Body Fat

A very dear friend of mine is on the journey to fitness as well, and it's tremendously encouraging to talk with him about diet, exercise, successes, failures, and so on. He mentioned his goal of losing 15% body fat, and I said I had no idea how much body fat I needed to lose - I've just been doing it by numbers.

In my head, I think I should weigh about 120-130 pounds. That's what I weighed when I was "fit" (an athlete in high school), and that seems to be consistent with my BMI and healthy weight guidelines. I had no idea if it was actually possible to lose this much weight, seeing as I have never had my body fat properly measured, but I figured it had to be possible.

My friend sent me a link to a Home Body Fat Test, which involves a few key measurements on body points with a tape measure. It returns an estimate of your body fat percentage and lean muscle mass. My friend says his results were within 2% of what his trainer had calculated with calipers, so while I took my results with a grain of salt, I am not going to totally dismiss them. Especially since they surprised the heck out of me:

Your Results

You have 26.1% body fat.

You have 46.5 Pounds of fat and 131.5 Pounds of lean (muscle, bone, body water).

I checked a linked chart of "healthy amounts of body fat," and I'm not too terribly far off from the healthy-normal range.

Of course, this test didn't consider my height at all, or my build. It didn't measure the fattest part of my upper arms or take the size of my breasts into consideration. It's possible that my numbers are totally skewed and that all my fat is lumped into places the test can't see.

Then again, it seems about right. If I have roughly 50 pounds of fat to lose, then I'll get close to the weight I was when I at at my fittest. If that is the size my body wants to be, then it's good to know it's possible to lose the weight through losing fat, rather than if I were just built really bulky and had no way of losing weight without cutting into actual structure.

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm encouraged. Fitness is totally within my grasp.

The difference two inches makes

I worry sometimes about putting too much personally-identifying information on this site, since I realize it wouldn't be too difficult for someone who knows me in real life to figure out who I am by reading the entries here. They wouldn't even have to know me particularly well, but just be casually aware of my travels, daily occurrences in life, basically anything gleaned from Facebook, Twitter, or my personal blog.

That said, I like the idea of being pseudo-anonymous because it keeps me honest with myself. Part of why I started a public blog instead of a physical or private diet journal is because I wanted the accountability of my words going out into space and existing beyond me and my original intentions. I wanted all my notes and thoughts on dieting and getting fit to be documented and dated, so that I couldn't change my mind, rewrite history, or lie to myself. And to that extent, this site has been extraordinarily beneficial, so I'm definitely going to keep it up, however sporadically.

I've been inordinately busy lately with this intensive summer class that is taking up my every spare moment. I've said I'm really busy before, but I've never experienced anything like this.

That's meant abandoning swimming, which makes me really sad. I was getting pretty consistent about going at least three or four times a week, sometimes as often as five, and I was really building my speed and distance. My mother and I talked it over and agreed that it is probably best to start swimming back up again once I'm done with this class, since it's unlikely that I will suddenly master time management and come up with three hours or so a night to drive to the pool, swim, shower, dress, and drive home.

I was worried that I would begin packing on pounds again, but somehow it seems the opposite is going on. My weight had been bouncing between 180-185 (depending on water retention etc), and it is now bouncing around 177-182. Today it was 178, which made me happy, since I haven't done much besides study, stress out, and shove food in my face.

I miss the way I feel when I'm exercising regularly, though, and I feel certain I could make time for a short run here and there, or that I could start doing push-ups again (I barely made it through Week One before I went away for a conference and stopped doing them altogether). I had this vision of really knuckling down and tearing weight off this summer, and I'm afraid that I am using the stress of this class as an excuse to forget about everything else in my life.

One bright note, though, that took me completely by surprise. For years now I've been saying I'm 5'4" because that's what I was the last time I was measured. It didn't occur to me that I'd slowly grow, seeing as I'm 27 and I figured I had reached my full height. I was standing next to my mother the other day, and she measured 5'4" at her last doctor's appointment less than 6 months ago. My brother pointed out that I am most definitely taller than her, by a noticeable amount, so I remeasured myself and found I am actually somewhere between 5'5.5" and 5'6"!

This is huge for me, because I've always thought of myself as short and squat. Now it seems I am actually above average height (barely) for American women, and whatever that does for my self-esteem, I'm taking it. I really like the idea of being 5'6", and I want to get measured at my doctor to get the real number.

As a bonus, the additional two inches of height actually changes my BMI. At 5'4", 178 pounds would put my BMI at 30.6, which is classified as Obese. At 5'5.5", my BMI becomes 29.2, scraping just under the threshold for Overweight. If I'm actually 5'6", my BMI would be 28.7, still at the upper range of Overweight.

The thing is, I know that BMIs are widely dismissed as a crap gauge of health, and I know that these are all semantics and labels... but it is enormously satisfying to be just Overweight instead of Obese. Somehow the amount of weight I'd like to lose feels so much more manageable and, well, possible.

I also forgot to mention a nice little surprise at the change of seasons. I was dreading spring and summer because I didn't think I had any clothes that fit. I'd been a pretty solid size 14 for quite a while, and I hated all of my clothes, but I was really reluctant to buy any new ones because I was desperate to get out of that size. When my clothes started feeling loose, and then downright baggy, I decided to try on the summer clothes I had stored in the attic, thinking maybe I'd find a few things that fit. I was thrilled to see that actually the majority of my size 12 clothes fit, and even some of the looser-cut size 10 skirts. I haven't been able to wear these clothes since 2004, before I started dating my ex-boyfriend, and it's a weird little personal victory to be able to wear them out to work and on dates again.

I know that as with BMIs, clothing sizes aren't an indicator of your health or fitness, but if my weight isn't really changing, I need something to stay motivated. Being taller and wearing a smaller size, I feel better about myself, and it makes me double-think snacks or second helpings at dinner. That's got to help.

More Arm Workouts

My mother sent me this article on toning your arms in 10 minutes.

I think this looks like something I'm more likely to stick with than triceps dips, so I'll give it a try.

Metabolism and Thinner Arms

I finally got around to day 1 of 100 push-ups today, and I'm looking forward to taking it more seriously.

My mother and I got in a conversation about the fundamentals of weight-loss over lunch today. We agreed that we're undoing all the benefits of swimming, running (in my case), walking, and rowing (in her case) by poor eating choices, desserts, and typical dieting errors. Every day this week, we could identify the point where we blew it, so we talked about how to stop that.

She sent me this article on how to increase metabolism, and I am relieved that what we're doing is the right way to go about increasing our resting metabolic rate (RMR), which is the bulk of one's caloric output.

Personally, I really want to have thinner arms too. I harp about this a lot, since they are the thing that makes me look and feel the fattest. I know that I need to up my cardio to lose fat overall, but there is a lot of flabby muscle underneath that fat, which I am also working to tone. A friend sent me upper arm exercises, concentrating on my triceps. I may not do exactly what he's suggested (though dips sound feasible), but I need to start doing something.

As an aside, why is it that women who have never exercised a day in their lives get away with thin, shapely arms and shoulders? I was an athlete for years, and I have the fattest arms of anyone I know. That seems so unfair!

One Hundred Push-Ups

The last few months I've been exercising fairly consistently, swimming about 4-5 times a week, walking, and even running a few times. I can definitely tell my clothes are fitting better, and people have told me my face and body look thinner.

The scale, of course, is not budging, and I'm not so delusional that I'd believe I've replaced fat with muscle mass. So I'm working to jump-start the actual weight-loss and toning aspect of my goals. I'm especially hoping to get shapely arms and a trim midsection, since these seem to be the areas that make me look heaviest.



Last night I did the initial evaluation for the One Hundred Push-Ups challenge. I've been talking about doing this since December, but I never actually got down to it. A friend of mine who is also working to get fit challenged me to a contest online last night, and while he smoked me, it did make it more fun.

At first I did 10 "regular" push-ups then 5 more modified "girly" ones (using my knees). I realized that these were not done with good form, as my lower back was sagging forward and I couldn't keep my upper body straight.

So I tried again, competing with my friend, and I did 23 consecutive, good-form modified push-ups. I wanted to give myself a lot of excuses, that I'd just gotten home from swimming a particularly challenging work-out, that I had already kind of done 15 before that 23, that I could have done more if my knees didn't start hurting etc, but 23 is a fine starting point, putting me at level 3 of 7 for the program.

I have to decide which days of the week I'll do the work-outs, but I can tell already from the soreness in my abs and shoulders that this is going to be a beneficial addition to my fitness regimen.

I think I'll start Two Hundred Sit-Ups soon too!

Psychological Toolkit

My parents believed their responsibility was not to tell my brother and I what to do, but rather give us as many skills and tools in our toolkit as possible, so that when we faced a difficult situation or decision, we had the resources to handle ourselves. The idea that firsthand experience far outweighs an abstract external rule in guiding behavior has proved remarkably effective, and I'm glad they took that approach because it taught us to think for ourselves and be (mostly) self-reliant people.

When it came to dealing with depression, I found my toolkit almost totally empty. To put it gently, my parents don't understand depression. They think it is something that lazy, overprivileged losers with too much time on their hands indulge in, and that if said losers would bootstrap a little and get over themselves, they'd be fine. I disagree, obviously, but I recognize how they came to these conclusions.

Because I lacked the resources, or even the words to articulate what was going on with me, I developed unhealthy coping mechanisms while my parents waited for me to "grow out of" depression. My mother recognized that I had always been moody, even as a toddler, and that I had more pronounced ups and downs than any other children she knew, but she believed it was just who I was and that I'd get over it with maturity and taking responsibility for myself.

I wouldn't change who I am or how I was made because among other habits, I started making art and writing, which give me more joy than I could ever imagine, and the times where I withdrew from others gave me the opportunity to study, learn, and discover. As long as I maintain a lifestyle that permits times of high activity and deep withdrawal, I've done alright and found my way.

What I find lately, though, is that this really doesn't work as an adult who wishes to maintain a job. Even in grad school, I'm able to become nocturnal for a few days, make a disaster of things, and still pull it together to finish projects and show up prepared for classes. As I'm working to finish my thesis and pursue a real (and pretty demanding) career path, I am encountering more and more challenges to the way I deal with life. This semester, I am scrambling to finish my thesis and graduate, and it's incredibly daunting. The stakes are really high (my summer job depends on having my master's), and I literally don't have time to fall off my game for even a few days, let alone a few weeks, while I wallow in depression and poor hygiene.

I sunk into a pretty deep depression over the holidays and for most of January. A lot of it was stress, finally having time for the gravity of the past few months' changes to weigh on my chest, more upsetting family stuff, and intense anxiety about this semester. What triggered it, though, seems so trite and stupid: I had my heart broken again. I don't need to dwell really - it was a situation of disappointed expectations, poor communication, and eventually a total freeze-out from someone who meant a lot to me.

Once again, I didn't have the resources to deal with it. Heartbroken depression is one of the worst kinds because it really does feel like wallowing. I withdrew from everyone else in my life, especially my parents, I stopped exercising (which caused a lot of strife with my mom because she is my swimming buddy), I ate terribly, I slept weird hours, I freaked out privately, and I kept telling myself that tomorrow, or the next day, I'd get it together and work on things.

I'm not sure what changed. Maybe wariness, or I finally slept the clock around and found myself awake during the day for once, but this week I decided it was time. I went swimming Tuesday and Wednesday, I started eating healthier meals, I talked to my mother about some of the things that have been upsetting me, I tried to reconnect with my father and brother, I've talked a little with friends (all of whom called me out and knew that I had disappeared for most of January), I made commitments to work projects, and I'm trying to deal with the things that I must.

Without realizing it, I followed the advice that I'd read in so many articles to the letter. Re-engaging in activities I enjoy, paying attention to the world outside of my own head, reemerging in society, increasing physical activity and healthy diet, etc.

After the storm had passed (or I resurfaced, or whatever metaphor you'd like), I reread an article on Helping Yourself Out of Depression which I've linked here before. I tried to track down Dan Bilsker's self-care guide for depression mentioned in the article, and I found a pretty great resource: The Antidepressant Skills Workbook. That guide is also available as an audiobook or PDF, but I like the website format.

The thing that struck me most was the idea that I don't always have to have cycles of depression. All these years, I've kind of accepted it as part of who I am, as something I'll just deal with when it comes. But this guide (which I have not yet read in full) suggests that the inevitability of depression relapse is a myth. I could not only learn to better cope with depression, but I could stop experiencing it altogether. That would be a great skill to add to my psychological toolkit, for sure.

I'm going to work on this, the same way I would with a new diet or exercise regime. I need to gather resources and build my skills so that depression doesn't take over my life so much. I have to not only work to pull out of it, but to avoid letting it take hold in the first place. I'm actually fascinated to see if it really is a pattern in which I indulge, and if it's as simple as deciding not to do that anymore.

Numbers Game

It is starting to slowly click in my head that losing weight is a numbers game. I hate numbers, but here they are.



To lose 1 pound of fat, a person must burn 3500 calories more than they've taken in.

To lose a pound a week, this translates to 500 calories per day, which can be broken down into whatever combination of diet and exercise desired (e.g. 250 calories more exercise and 250 calories less food... or 500 calories more exercise, eating the same).

If I weigh 185 pounds right now (this is an estimate - I haven't weighed myself in a few days), and I want to weigh 120, I must lose 65 pounds, which is 227,500 calories.

That is a lot of calories.

To do this with exercise alone, I'd have to burn 500 extra calories every day. Given that most of my work-outs average around 400-450, this isn't totally impossible... but I haven't been exercising 7 days (or times) a week.

I also haven't exactly been going easy on the food and drink, which will definitely slow this whole process.

Assuming I am actually able to lose a pound a week (with redoubled efforts), then it would take me 65 weeks to meet my goal. That is 16 months, 1 week, if there were no failures or slip-ups. More than a year.

I've read in many places that it is unwise to try to lose more than 30 pounds at a time, so I am trying to lose all the weight that I want to in two installments: lose 30, maintain, lose another 30.



To be honest, I would be pretty happy to weigh 155 pounds, but to have a healthy BMI at 5'4", I should be somewhere in the 110-140 range. If I weigh 120, my BMI would be 20.5. Calculating my current BMI was scary, since I am once again obese at 31.8.

It's been so long since I weighed 120 pounds that I can't even imagine what it would look like, but I intend to stick at this diet and exercise thing until I see. This is going to be a very long road, but I know that I need to make major life changes if I want to be healthy.

Losing weight isn't a mystical process or something for which I must be morally superior to others: it is a practice of crunching the numbers and coming up with a net loss of 500 calories (or more) per day.