Continuing some of the ideas from my last post, I read a wonderful Jonah Lehrer article on Why Making Dinner is a Good Idea. Lehrer is a brilliant neuroscientist, who writes fascinating pieces that break down concepts of how the brain/mind works and explains what that means in terms of everyday experiences (among other things).
In this article, he describes an experiment to do with the amount of effort it takes to earn a food reward, as it relates to the enjoyment of it. The study found that mice who did more work (by lever-pushing) to get food then enjoyed it substantially more than food for which they didn't need to work as much. Lehrer then discussed another paper where it was observed that obese individuals got less satisfaction out of food and that overeating is not so much a matter of gluttony, but an issue of needing more food or drink to achieve a satisfying effect. (Definitely read the article - he says it much more articulately).
These ideas relate directly to one of my recent resolves, to put effort into cooking real food for dinner. Over the fall semester, I fell into a worrying pattern of ordering pizza or Chinese takeout most nights of the week, supplemented with food that took a minimal effort to cook, like prepackaged macaroni and cheese or canned soups purchased at the corner store. I don't imagine I need to elaborate on how disastrously unhealthy that's been. Further, I reckon it's at least as expensive, if not much more expensive, than planning meals, buying groceries, and taking some time to cook with fresh foods.
It is encouraging, therefore, to know that the increased satisfaction I get when I take the time to cook isn't simply a virtuous sense of accomplishment, but an actual mechanism of my brain working to reward the effort. And when you add the two ideas up, being more satisfied with something because I've cooked it also suggests I will not need to eat as much to really enjoy it. Win win, right?
In pursuit of this goal, while I've been visiting my parents over break, I've talked a lot with my mom about weeknight meals that she used to prepare for our family, copying down some of her recipes and brainstorming other ideas that work. I know that before I worry too much about "dieting" in the strictest sense, I need to get back into the habit of preparing balanced meals that take a bit of work. I need to plan menus for the week and sort out how my leftovers will work so that I don't find myself making large pots of pasta and mindlessly scooping out bowls of it all week. I also have to work grocery shopping back into my schedule so that I don't find myself with no food in the house and the inclination to plug my credit card number into a pizza delivery website so I can get back to my homework.
As I get back into the cooking groove, I urgently need to get an exercise plan in place as well. For the entire fall semester, I "meant" to sort out what I would do for fitness and never really got around to it. Initially, I figured that if I did nothing else, I was still walking at least 3 miles a day over the course of my commute, with several minutes of steep hills on each end. Unfortunately, even with a heavy backpack, I don't think I'm getting anywhere near an aerobically effective pace (though I bought a new battery for my pedometer, so I will check), and I doubt any amount of walking could make a dent in the awful eating habits I'd developed.
Like I've said before, I want to earn my weight loss and fitness. I know I will be so much happier with myself if I can do it by healthy eating and developing the discipline to exercise even when I'd rather crash in front of my computer and waste hours on the internet. I know that the approach I must take is not that I am dieting or working out to try to lose weight, but that I am changing what my life is like, so that eating healthy and exercising are as much a part of it as the other things I do. The resulting healthy body and mind are the rewards of literally becoming a healthier, fitter person on the inside, and that's the real goal.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Types of Fat and Thin
There is almost no way to talk about the following subject without offending someone, in some way. Everyone has some arbitrary definitions of "fat" or "unhealthy," their cut-off points between curvy and huge, and their concepts of what makes for an attractive body type of not.
An Interjecting Anecdote
Because I love interrupting myself, I'm gonna throw out this experience to illustrate my point.
A little while back, I had been casually dieting and trying to exercise more, though not in a particularly formal way. My family started to notice a difference, and I myself knew that I was developing shapelier muscles and losing fat in significant places. I had to travel to a conference for work, and it occurred to me, as my clothes were all feeling really loose (and looking pretty unprofessional), that I might have dropped down a size.
I was pretty stoked to be a size 12 after years as a 14, and to even have some skirts fit in 10s. I was able to wear a lot of my pre-grad-school "business casual" clothes, as well as a whole bunch of new ones that fit spot-on, if not slightly loosely. I was feeling good, but I still needed to find a dress to wear to a formal event at the conference, so I headed to one more store to try on fancy dresses. Emboldened by the clothes I had just bought and the way they flattered my figure, I looked at styles with more plunging necklines or higher hems, thinking "yeah, this one could show off my legs" or "ooh, this nips in at the waist, that'd be nice..."
With an armful of size 12 dresses, I turned around a crowded rack to move toward the dressing room, where a mother and her college-aged daughter were looking at dresses on the other side. They were both dressed as if they were going to a gym, but in that mall-fashion Juniors way, sporting fake tans, too much makeup, and so forth. They were yammering resentfully about having to shop for some other young woman they knew (I think a cousin?) in the Misses department and wondering what size she might be.
After some debate, the mother squawked, "Listen, she's really, really huge. I think she might even be a twelve!!!"
In that moment, I turned the corner, holding my size 12 dresses and saw that they had one of the ones in my armful (about which I'd been the most hopeful) pulled off the rack as an object of disgust, the way people in weight loss commercials hold out their gigantic pants.
I looked at them, then at the dresses in my arms, with the size labels clearly visible, and we all stood there uncomfortably, a saleswoman less than a foot away saying nothing. I'm not sure why I expected anyone to say anything, like how it's pretty rude to make fun of sizes in the middle of a department store, but because she was silent, I deliberately put all of my dresses back on the rack and made a beeline for the door.
I wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear, and it was a lot of restraint to keep from bursting into hot, mortified tears as I walked to my car. I felt like such a monster, and an oversensitive one at that. "Look at that fatty getting offended when someone points out her fatness," I thought to myself, and I felt especially dumb for the confidence boost I had gained just minutes earlier because I was finally down to this abominably "huge" size 12.
I couldn't help noticing that even though these women were probably of a much smaller clothing size than me, they had flabby arms and disproportionately large butts. They were also really ugly, both in the face, and in their personalities... but that didn't really mean anything as a discount to their behavior.
The thing that stuck out most to me was that it was a reality that many people would hear size 12 and think "huge," just as when I admitted my weight to a friend who said I could stand to lose 30 pounds, he exclaimed "Wow, I knew you'd gained weight, I didn't realize you'd gotten enormous!"
The other point that bothered me was that I might not have been so offended had the woman said a size 16 or a size 20. In my mind, I had an arbitrary measure of where "huge" began, and it was somewhere beyond 14 and up to infinity. If I were talking about myself, I might say "it's not like I'm a triple-XL," without considering that this statement would be incredibly hurtful to someone who had just lost 50 pounds to get down to the XXXL. I would probably even rationalize, "Oh come on, she's got to know that's a huge size," the same way that to these women, I was just obviously "huge."
Types of Fat
So establishing that everyone has a different conception of what's fat and what's not, I've been thinking about body types (probably more than is healthy, but I've been really sick since Christmas) and trying to clarify for myself what that means for my own goals.
The first type of fat is one that's really common among my friends and family, the Formerly Fit. This type applies to women who were formerly athletic and toned, then slowly started getting a little softer and flabbier around the edges. I consider myself to have this body type, and I think it's the only reason I can still trick myself into believing I'm attractive (in the right clothes and light).
I will admit, I'm mildly smug about this type because I know that under the fat are well-developed muscles, I still have tapered ankles and wrists, I've only ever had one chin (with a bit of unwelcome softness, but not a roll yet). I am able to run, hike, swim, kayak, and do some pretty impressively athletic things, just with extra weight.
The second type is the Formerly Thin, which is the descendant of girls who are Skinny Fat. You know the types of people who are not fat, but not toned either, who have never worked to be thin but just are that way, and who as a consequence of being naturally thin, never developed healthy eating habits or discipline about exercise. At some point those girls start drinking more or getting hit with life's stresses, or their metabolism just plain slows, and they get that doughy, shapeless sort of fat where it seems as if they're lacking underlying structure.
I will also admit, I'm not particularly kind to this body type, and it doesn't help that one of my exes is currently dating a girl like this.
Another type of fat I observe very commonly is the Never Been Thin, for whom I have deep and unending sympathy. I have friends and family in this category, who were chubby children, grew into obese adults, and seem to just keep getting fatter every time you see them. Unlike people who were formerly athletes, people with this body type have no idea what they might look and feel like fit, and I imagine that must really effect their self-concept and attitude toward the plausibility of weight loss.
There are, naturally, many nuances and gray areas, but for practical purposes, these three types are generally how I classify overweight women, and I apply my own biases accordingly. Now obviously, someone could be 500 pounds overweight and I wouldn't be able to discern if they were ever fit or not, but for the generally overweight (like 10-100 pounds over), I can almost always tell.
How Body Type Influences Weight Loss
This leads me to another observation: just as there are types of fat, there are types of people who have lost weight. This section is possibly the likeliest of everything I've said to offend, but bear with me.
1. The Return to Fit
This body type is achieved gradually, through a balance of diet and exercise. It usually follows the Formerly Fit fat type, as it is a matter of losing the weight and reconditioning an already athletic physique. Return-to-Fitters seem to show up one day looking amazing and healthy, but because they lost weight healthfully over a matter of time, you don't see them as formerly fat people, just "wow, so-and-so really got in shape."
2. The Still Kinda Big
This type makes me sad because it seems to follow from the Never Been Thin category. People who have naturally larger, bulkier body types can lose every spare molecule of fat in their bodies, but they will still look a little chunky. I don't fully understand this type because, for example, Star Jones was able to completely change body types when she lost weight, yet I know people who do everything healthfully but still have broad hips and thick limbs.
3. The Deflated Fat Person
I notice that this type seems to follow weight loss exclusively through dieting or low-impact exercise and is most common for the Formerly Thin fat type. I also notice it is most common with people who lose weight at a dramatic speed, through gastric bypass surgery, medication, or drastic diets. It's something to do with losing fat before the skin can regain elasticity, or dieting and exercising to become "thin" but never developing muscles. This type tends to retain indicators that they used to be much bigger, especially neck rolls, and while they may be a sliver of their former body, they still don't look healthy, so much as thin.
Why I Want to Lose Weight Slowly
The temptation when facing a large amount of weight to lose (I'd currently like to lose about 60 pounds) is to do something dramatic and sweeping. A friend of mine who has been overweight all of her life started Atkins over the summer and has dropped over 50 pounds now. I think to myself that I could do Atkins for a few months, lose all the weight I'd like to lose, and then I'd be thin and beautiful.
The thing is, though, I don't want to become a Deflated Fat Person. I don't want to lose weight quickly at the price of loose skin or a baggy neck to broadcast to the world that I used to be much heavier.I don't ever want to be just "thin," if it didn't include being fit, toned, and healthy too.
The only body type I'd be happy with is the Return to Fit, which is to say, fit. I am actually happier being a size 14 than I would be as a flabby, saggy size 4 because if you squint, I still look athletic and have an hourglass figure, with a little extra sand in the glass. I would like to get down to a smaller, healthier size, but I don't want to get there by any shortcuts.
I am taking a Tortoise approach here, trying to lose the weight by changing my lifestyle. I am trying, hard, to resist the idea that I could just rip all the weight off quickly and stay thin (because I know that I would just gain it all back, plus some, if I didn't work hard to earn and sustain the loss). I am trying to incorporate my other goals, for improving my nutrition, digestive health, skin, hair, sleep, and emotional well-being. Thin is not the end goal... healthy is.
Patience and integrity will be the biggest challenge on this path, but I know it's the only one that will lead to a lifetime of health and fitness. (And the only one that will keep my boobs up where they belong). I don't want a big "ta-daa!" moment where I reveal how much weight I've lost. I want to just show up looking and feeling really amazing one day.
An Interjecting Anecdote
Because I love interrupting myself, I'm gonna throw out this experience to illustrate my point.
A little while back, I had been casually dieting and trying to exercise more, though not in a particularly formal way. My family started to notice a difference, and I myself knew that I was developing shapelier muscles and losing fat in significant places. I had to travel to a conference for work, and it occurred to me, as my clothes were all feeling really loose (and looking pretty unprofessional), that I might have dropped down a size.
I was pretty stoked to be a size 12 after years as a 14, and to even have some skirts fit in 10s. I was able to wear a lot of my pre-grad-school "business casual" clothes, as well as a whole bunch of new ones that fit spot-on, if not slightly loosely. I was feeling good, but I still needed to find a dress to wear to a formal event at the conference, so I headed to one more store to try on fancy dresses. Emboldened by the clothes I had just bought and the way they flattered my figure, I looked at styles with more plunging necklines or higher hems, thinking "yeah, this one could show off my legs" or "ooh, this nips in at the waist, that'd be nice..."
With an armful of size 12 dresses, I turned around a crowded rack to move toward the dressing room, where a mother and her college-aged daughter were looking at dresses on the other side. They were both dressed as if they were going to a gym, but in that mall-fashion Juniors way, sporting fake tans, too much makeup, and so forth. They were yammering resentfully about having to shop for some other young woman they knew (I think a cousin?) in the Misses department and wondering what size she might be.
After some debate, the mother squawked, "Listen, she's really, really huge. I think she might even be a twelve!!!"
In that moment, I turned the corner, holding my size 12 dresses and saw that they had one of the ones in my armful (about which I'd been the most hopeful) pulled off the rack as an object of disgust, the way people in weight loss commercials hold out their gigantic pants.
I looked at them, then at the dresses in my arms, with the size labels clearly visible, and we all stood there uncomfortably, a saleswoman less than a foot away saying nothing. I'm not sure why I expected anyone to say anything, like how it's pretty rude to make fun of sizes in the middle of a department store, but because she was silent, I deliberately put all of my dresses back on the rack and made a beeline for the door.
I wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear, and it was a lot of restraint to keep from bursting into hot, mortified tears as I walked to my car. I felt like such a monster, and an oversensitive one at that. "Look at that fatty getting offended when someone points out her fatness," I thought to myself, and I felt especially dumb for the confidence boost I had gained just minutes earlier because I was finally down to this abominably "huge" size 12.
I couldn't help noticing that even though these women were probably of a much smaller clothing size than me, they had flabby arms and disproportionately large butts. They were also really ugly, both in the face, and in their personalities... but that didn't really mean anything as a discount to their behavior.
The thing that stuck out most to me was that it was a reality that many people would hear size 12 and think "huge," just as when I admitted my weight to a friend who said I could stand to lose 30 pounds, he exclaimed "Wow, I knew you'd gained weight, I didn't realize you'd gotten enormous!"
The other point that bothered me was that I might not have been so offended had the woman said a size 16 or a size 20. In my mind, I had an arbitrary measure of where "huge" began, and it was somewhere beyond 14 and up to infinity. If I were talking about myself, I might say "it's not like I'm a triple-XL," without considering that this statement would be incredibly hurtful to someone who had just lost 50 pounds to get down to the XXXL. I would probably even rationalize, "Oh come on, she's got to know that's a huge size," the same way that to these women, I was just obviously "huge."
Types of Fat
So establishing that everyone has a different conception of what's fat and what's not, I've been thinking about body types (probably more than is healthy, but I've been really sick since Christmas) and trying to clarify for myself what that means for my own goals.
The first type of fat is one that's really common among my friends and family, the Formerly Fit. This type applies to women who were formerly athletic and toned, then slowly started getting a little softer and flabbier around the edges. I consider myself to have this body type, and I think it's the only reason I can still trick myself into believing I'm attractive (in the right clothes and light).
I will admit, I'm mildly smug about this type because I know that under the fat are well-developed muscles, I still have tapered ankles and wrists, I've only ever had one chin (with a bit of unwelcome softness, but not a roll yet). I am able to run, hike, swim, kayak, and do some pretty impressively athletic things, just with extra weight.
The second type is the Formerly Thin, which is the descendant of girls who are Skinny Fat. You know the types of people who are not fat, but not toned either, who have never worked to be thin but just are that way, and who as a consequence of being naturally thin, never developed healthy eating habits or discipline about exercise. At some point those girls start drinking more or getting hit with life's stresses, or their metabolism just plain slows, and they get that doughy, shapeless sort of fat where it seems as if they're lacking underlying structure.
I will also admit, I'm not particularly kind to this body type, and it doesn't help that one of my exes is currently dating a girl like this.
Another type of fat I observe very commonly is the Never Been Thin, for whom I have deep and unending sympathy. I have friends and family in this category, who were chubby children, grew into obese adults, and seem to just keep getting fatter every time you see them. Unlike people who were formerly athletes, people with this body type have no idea what they might look and feel like fit, and I imagine that must really effect their self-concept and attitude toward the plausibility of weight loss.
There are, naturally, many nuances and gray areas, but for practical purposes, these three types are generally how I classify overweight women, and I apply my own biases accordingly. Now obviously, someone could be 500 pounds overweight and I wouldn't be able to discern if they were ever fit or not, but for the generally overweight (like 10-100 pounds over), I can almost always tell.
How Body Type Influences Weight Loss
This leads me to another observation: just as there are types of fat, there are types of people who have lost weight. This section is possibly the likeliest of everything I've said to offend, but bear with me.
1. The Return to Fit
This body type is achieved gradually, through a balance of diet and exercise. It usually follows the Formerly Fit fat type, as it is a matter of losing the weight and reconditioning an already athletic physique. Return-to-Fitters seem to show up one day looking amazing and healthy, but because they lost weight healthfully over a matter of time, you don't see them as formerly fat people, just "wow, so-and-so really got in shape."
2. The Still Kinda Big
This type makes me sad because it seems to follow from the Never Been Thin category. People who have naturally larger, bulkier body types can lose every spare molecule of fat in their bodies, but they will still look a little chunky. I don't fully understand this type because, for example, Star Jones was able to completely change body types when she lost weight, yet I know people who do everything healthfully but still have broad hips and thick limbs.
3. The Deflated Fat Person
I notice that this type seems to follow weight loss exclusively through dieting or low-impact exercise and is most common for the Formerly Thin fat type. I also notice it is most common with people who lose weight at a dramatic speed, through gastric bypass surgery, medication, or drastic diets. It's something to do with losing fat before the skin can regain elasticity, or dieting and exercising to become "thin" but never developing muscles. This type tends to retain indicators that they used to be much bigger, especially neck rolls, and while they may be a sliver of their former body, they still don't look healthy, so much as thin.
Why I Want to Lose Weight Slowly
The temptation when facing a large amount of weight to lose (I'd currently like to lose about 60 pounds) is to do something dramatic and sweeping. A friend of mine who has been overweight all of her life started Atkins over the summer and has dropped over 50 pounds now. I think to myself that I could do Atkins for a few months, lose all the weight I'd like to lose, and then I'd be thin and beautiful.
The thing is, though, I don't want to become a Deflated Fat Person. I don't want to lose weight quickly at the price of loose skin or a baggy neck to broadcast to the world that I used to be much heavier.I don't ever want to be just "thin," if it didn't include being fit, toned, and healthy too.
The only body type I'd be happy with is the Return to Fit, which is to say, fit. I am actually happier being a size 14 than I would be as a flabby, saggy size 4 because if you squint, I still look athletic and have an hourglass figure, with a little extra sand in the glass. I would like to get down to a smaller, healthier size, but I don't want to get there by any shortcuts.
I am taking a Tortoise approach here, trying to lose the weight by changing my lifestyle. I am trying, hard, to resist the idea that I could just rip all the weight off quickly and stay thin (because I know that I would just gain it all back, plus some, if I didn't work hard to earn and sustain the loss). I am trying to incorporate my other goals, for improving my nutrition, digestive health, skin, hair, sleep, and emotional well-being. Thin is not the end goal... healthy is.
Patience and integrity will be the biggest challenge on this path, but I know it's the only one that will lead to a lifetime of health and fitness. (And the only one that will keep my boobs up where they belong). I don't want a big "ta-daa!" moment where I reveal how much weight I've lost. I want to just show up looking and feeling really amazing one day.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Ideals, and how to attain them
I'm going to forgo my typical "hi, it's been a while" etc. stuff and just get into what I'd like to talk about, then perhaps I'll backtrack a bit and figure out what I plan to do. Prepare yourself for a long rant.
Thin is not the same as beautiful
I've been thinking about where we get our ideals for body shape, fitness levels, and how we define attractiveness. I had my heart absolutely broken this summer, and if I'm being honest, things are still not okay with any of that. An extra sting came when a mutual friend, who thought he was being objective and analytical, said that as he saw it, everything should have worked out between me and this guy, but that it wouldn't have hurt for me to lose 30-40 pounds so he wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen with me. Yes, I know, I have appallingly awful friends.
I don't want to go on a whole diatribe about body image issues or unrealistic standards or blaming the media because there's no point. No matter how much I may wish it were otherwise, people judge me on my appearance every day, and men will continue to treat me as a substandard human as long as I fall on the heavy end of their perception of normal.
In a particular moment of outrage, I started really looking carefully at girls in New York City, especially those with adoring boyfriends in tow. It's easy, when you're beating yourself up, to say these girls are just so pretty and lovely, so what's to care if they're not smart or interesting or artistically talented etc. - they must just be that captivating. The thing is, I'm an artist, and I do have a very clear understanding of biology, facial structures, symmetry, and all the mathematical stuff that goes on in the brain in evaluating physical beauty. From years of life drawing and studying the figure, I am uniquely sensitive to appearance and can see flaws from literally miles away. I was kind of stunned to realize that most girls aren't pretty. Not even close. Most of the girls I looked at were either incredibly plain or downright unattractive, once you saw through the hair, makeup, clothing, and accessories. I started looking at their boyfriends (also not all winners) and wondering if they were really that easily duped by some general concept of "beauty" defined by all these things that are so literally on the surface.
The only thing these girls had in common was that they were thin. I don't mean to say they had good bodies because again, they usually didn't. I mean they were thin, if not skinny, and that was enough, when combined with a bunch of stuff to have the general public regard them as beautiful.
Since this summer, I've moved back to the city, and I spend a lot of time people-watching on public transit. I look at women in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, and I do, admittedly, analyze the hell out of their appearance. Girls who are thin, but not toned, grow into women who are unobtrusively shapeless, and as they start to age more, become somewhat flabby and saggy and wrinkled. If they maintain their hair and have nice skin, I think they are still treated as attractive even though, as I really can't stress enough, they're not beautiful. And yet, they are the standard for beauty, when really all they have to offer is average features and the fact that they're not fat.
I look around and wonder what kind of farce we are living in. It's like the scene from E.T. when he's dressed like a lady - is there just some shell of "thin" that wears and carries all the right stuff that actually tricks people into the illusion of a beautiful woman? Yes, evidently, and if you want proof, take a really good look at all the people around you regarded as attractive.
Now here I run into a verbal quandary because I lack accessible ways to describe myself without sounding immensely egotistical. Basically, however thin or heavy I have been, people always say that I am pretty, if not more frequently veering toward beautiful. I have symmetrical, balanced features that are harmoniously arranged on my face. I have perfectly straight, really white teeth and an infectious dimpled smile. I have natural golden blonde hair highlighted by the sun and pleasantly shaped blue eyes that light up a lot. I am overweight, but I still have an hourglass figure, with toned shapely legs and tapered ankles/wrists that betray a history of athleticism. I carry myself gracefully, and I dress like a lady. Men of older generations openly regard me as gorgeous, and just about every time I leave home, men flirt with me, check me out, or hit on me (which is not at all uncommon in NYC, but I'm not just talking about the street version).
Yet guys my own age don't seem to see anything attractive about me physically (let alone aspects of personality, intelligence, sense of humor, wit etc.). They do the up-and-down, then compare with a skinny girl next to me and deem me unfit to date because I am, by their definition "fat." And to date a fat girl is more shameful than anything they can imagine.
It makes me crazy and a little sick. I cannot count the amount of girlfriends I've been introduced to by enthusiastic male friends who turn out to be mousy, plain if not ugly, and not at all interesting, but extremely thin. I see them all dressed and made up, and they look to me like children in their mother's clothes, their limbs completely lacking shape and their torsos free of any curves save the jutting-out collarbones and hips. And yet, all of my friends would call these girls pretty, if not beautiful. When you see them dressed down, without makeup and their hair piled on their head in a bun, it's even worse. They literally remind me of nothing so much as prepubescent friends from grade school in gym class, but their boyfriends can't keep their hands off of them. I cannot, for my life, understand when a stick-thin skinny girl braless in a camisole became my generation's standard of beauty, but I don't like it.
Still, I should be thin
My motivations in losing weight have always been because I am concerned for my health and want to feel better, both physically and psychologically. I used my weight as a scapegoat through an abusive relationship, and I continue to use it to beat myself up now, but I can finally see that it's not just me who is disordered in the way I think about my body.
When I was a senior in high school, I was a size 4. I remember buying my Calvin Klein prom dress and feeling proud that the 4 was actually a little loose in places because I had an athletic, but petite build and the dress was cut straighter than me. The thing that I always enjoyed about my body was its curves: curves from muscles, hips, and breasts, that made me look feminine and womanly, while still lithe and strong. In what seems now like another lifetime, I had enviably toned arms from swimming and dance and a perfectly-toned midsection. Because I was a runner (among other sports), I didn't have a trace of cellulite on my thighs or butt, and I looked fantastic in a bathing suit.
I don't really need to trace all the ways my figure went to hell since then, but that description is probably about as far from how I would characterize myself now as possible, and it does disgust me. My goal has never been to become one of those frail, skinny, shapeless girls who I loathe in public, and if anything, I'd rather be slightly overweight and curvy than one of them. There is, however, a happy medium between unattractively thin and my current shape, and I feel like I owe it to myself to get back into that kind of shape.
I should do more research and double-check my math, but I am pretty sure that at my height and build, 120-130 is an ideal weight. The last time I weighed that, I think I wore a size 2, but a 4-6 is much more plausible. In my head, the ideal measurements for an hourglass shape are about in that 34-24-36 or 36-26-36 kind of range, but damned if I know how actually accurate or attainable that might be.
All other goals aside, I want to lose weight because I want to be considered attractive. I want to like myself, and I want other people to like me. I want men to put any kind of effort into getting to know me or discovering the things that are actually beautiful about me, but they're not going to do it if they have to look past what they see as just a fat chick. I am tired of being dismissed and disregarded. I know that at a healthier weight, I could be not just thin, but beautiful.
What I can do about it
Right now, I weigh 179. This is, believe it or not, down from the 190 I weighed at the end of the summer (heavy-duty depression having kicked in something terrible). I have been fluctuating around 180 for at least the past 3 years, and I don't think I've been below 160 since I was in my early twenties. I have plenty of excuses, including the dramatic amount of weight I gained (and never lost) when I first went on antidepressants, but that was so long ago it can't possibly matter anymore.
My previous attempts to lose weight have primarily been through dieting because that (erroneously) seemed easier to control and work into my schedule. There was a time when I was swimming regularly, and I was getting toned and fitter in terms of cardiovascular health, but not losing weight or really improving my psychological health. I want some kind of dramatic, impactful exercise that can seriously make a dent in the fat of my upper arms and midsection and make progress toward my overall weight loss goals.
Currently, I walk between 2-3 moderately-paced miles a day, at least four times a week, including stretches up and down nearly 45-degree hills in my neighborhood. I take the stairs as much as I can, with a 25-pound backpack strapped on. I may not be the picture of fitness, but I am capable of strenuous hiking for several miles at any given time, and as of this fall I could kayak for an hour straight without fatigue. Something my mother says, and with which I am inclined to agree is that "underneath all this fat, there's still an athlete."
I need, now, a way to bring her out.
I think my approach needs to be diversified and realistic. I can't, for example, say that I'm going to join a gym and do circuit training for three hours a day because that is just setting myself up to fail (I also don't have the time or money for it). I already walk a lot, which is probably the only reason I've lost 10 pounds since moving and the way I've maintained a base metabolic rate in the face of ghastly eating habits (again, no time, no money, lots of stress and emotions). I am tempted, over and over, to declare that I will start running and drag myself outside with my iPod strapped to my arm, but I do worry that I will only do it once or twice and when the soaring self-satisfaction settles down, give up and go back to doing nothing.
There is a fitness center in my apartment complex, and I have to decide if I can work it into my schedule regularly enough to make it worth the money. Usually the appeal in exercising is getting to spend some time outdoors and, ideally, go somewhere, but this might be a viable alternative during the inclement weather that is right around the corner.
I also know that the single area that makes me feel fattest and grossest, by far, is my upper arms. They are the mystery of my existence, as both my mother and I have disproportionately bulky arms that make us look much larger even than we are. I used to theorize that I must have a lot of flabby muscle from swimming, dancing, playing softball etc. (and my mother from basketball and softball), but it's more likely that that is just a part of our bodies where she and I are inclined to gain weight, for whatever reason. Some women get fat in the ass or thighs, we get fat arms. It is what it is.
So in addition to general core training and aerobic exercise to lose weight all over, I want to really tone the hell out of my arms, through a combination of the One Hundred Push-Ups program, weight-bearing exercise with 3-pound dumbbells, and triceps-focused exercises with TheraBands. I added the last two items to my Christmas list, since my last set of TheraBands have now dry-rotted in the trunk of my car and I gave away my dumbbells years ago.
This summer among my mother's birthday gifts, we also gave her a hula hoop, which was weighted for core fitness.
I had never learned how to hula hoop before, and my whole family took turns trying clumsily to learn. We joked that most of the exercise came from bending down to pick it up after you spun it around your waist a few times and dropped it. In an obsessive day that resulted in incredible bruising all over, I did finally master the art of hula hooping, and I found it was a tremendous workout with the weighted hoop. So I'm asking for a hula hoop of my own for Christmas too.
In a fit of optimism when I was moving, I did bring my exercise mat, and my entire apartment is carpeted, which should facilitate the push-ups and whatever floor-work type exercise I want to do. To prevent unnecessary wallowing about matters of heartbreak, frustration with school etc., I am probably going to institute a policy that I can't imagine is as healthy as it is punitive: if I'm going to think miserable unhappy thoughts, I will hula hoop or do crunches or arm workouts or something while I'm at it. I'll either stop being miserable or start being thin, so it's win-win.
I need to make a plan of some sort for diet, though it's challenging because I've become a sort of pseudo-vegetarian of late. Most meals are centered around eating as many vegetables as possible, and most of my protein is coming from beans, cheese, and tunafish... but there is a major amount of fat and carbs in the meals I'm making. To save money and time, I bought packages of SlimFast bars for breakfasts and lunches, but I'm not formally doing the plan as intended because I still eat whatever I want the rest of the day. The intention, I guess, was to get some kind of nutrition going in the morning and afternoon so my metabolism didn't shut down completely, and by keeping it relatively low-calorie and nutritious I hoped it could counterbalance some of the horrible food choices I made for dinners. I need to take an overall more balanced approach and come up with healthy vegetarian meals (that should be really easy, wouldn't you think??) that aren't all macaroni and cheese or pasta with vegetables or take-out Chinese or pizza (aye, there's the rub). As always, I need to drink more water and eat less sweets, and I should probably take some time to examine how I got to a place in life where junk food is one of my few joys.
I am on a truly abysmally disordered sleep schedule, if you can call it that, which seems largely due to piss-poor time management. This has been the case for as long as I can remember, but I know that if I want to succeed in anything else I want to do in life, I really do need to get my sleep problems under control. I had some success when I first moved with melatonin and a set of rituals about making my bed nicely (that's become habit), showering before bed, laying out my clothes every night, keeping my bedroom as this really clean orderly sanctuary, etc, but I started needing to pull all-nighters and sleeping at erratic hours, and that all went to hell. I It is my sincerest hope that catching up on schoolwork and starting to exercise regularly will make it easier to sleep in a sane way, but I can't expect that to happen without a massive concerted effort.
And happiness. That seems thousands of miles away, but I have to believe that it is possible to be happy whatever my circumstances. I've isolated myself from most of my friends (which is not necessarily a bad thing, since most of my friendships were really destructive), and I have almost no time to spend with the few I still like anyway. That's not good, as I recognize that for as misanthropic as I can be, socialization is an important part of mental health. I have to either make new, healthier friendships, or work the time into my schedule to see my current friends more...or at least talk with them more than once a month (I'm a very bad friend when I'm busy). I have to believe that eating better and exercising will help improve my moods, but it probably wouldn't hurt to start taking St John's Wort and some of the other herbs I was taking previously for depression. I am still leery of prescription psychiatric meds and doubtful that my student health insurance would make it in any way affordable to get counseling, but I am getting really tired of being unhappy for weeks on end. I'm accustomed to cycling moods, sometimes rapidly, but it feels like I slipped into a pretty deep depression somewhere in October and have come out of it for a day or two here and there since then. I don't like the thoughts I have, and I really don't like being this unhappy. Fortunately I am still able to remain the tiniest bit objective about the situation and recognize it's something for which I am responsible and capable of changing.
So, that was a huge amount of rambling, but I think I've caught myself up on matters of psychological and physical health. Mostly.
I need to really try to get my act together and be more forgiving of myself if my discipline falters or life intervenes.
To summarize, going forward I am going to:
Something's got to work, right?
Thin is not the same as beautiful
I've been thinking about where we get our ideals for body shape, fitness levels, and how we define attractiveness. I had my heart absolutely broken this summer, and if I'm being honest, things are still not okay with any of that. An extra sting came when a mutual friend, who thought he was being objective and analytical, said that as he saw it, everything should have worked out between me and this guy, but that it wouldn't have hurt for me to lose 30-40 pounds so he wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen with me. Yes, I know, I have appallingly awful friends.
I don't want to go on a whole diatribe about body image issues or unrealistic standards or blaming the media because there's no point. No matter how much I may wish it were otherwise, people judge me on my appearance every day, and men will continue to treat me as a substandard human as long as I fall on the heavy end of their perception of normal.
In a particular moment of outrage, I started really looking carefully at girls in New York City, especially those with adoring boyfriends in tow. It's easy, when you're beating yourself up, to say these girls are just so pretty and lovely, so what's to care if they're not smart or interesting or artistically talented etc. - they must just be that captivating. The thing is, I'm an artist, and I do have a very clear understanding of biology, facial structures, symmetry, and all the mathematical stuff that goes on in the brain in evaluating physical beauty. From years of life drawing and studying the figure, I am uniquely sensitive to appearance and can see flaws from literally miles away. I was kind of stunned to realize that most girls aren't pretty. Not even close. Most of the girls I looked at were either incredibly plain or downright unattractive, once you saw through the hair, makeup, clothing, and accessories. I started looking at their boyfriends (also not all winners) and wondering if they were really that easily duped by some general concept of "beauty" defined by all these things that are so literally on the surface.
The only thing these girls had in common was that they were thin. I don't mean to say they had good bodies because again, they usually didn't. I mean they were thin, if not skinny, and that was enough, when combined with a bunch of stuff to have the general public regard them as beautiful.
Since this summer, I've moved back to the city, and I spend a lot of time people-watching on public transit. I look at women in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, and I do, admittedly, analyze the hell out of their appearance. Girls who are thin, but not toned, grow into women who are unobtrusively shapeless, and as they start to age more, become somewhat flabby and saggy and wrinkled. If they maintain their hair and have nice skin, I think they are still treated as attractive even though, as I really can't stress enough, they're not beautiful. And yet, they are the standard for beauty, when really all they have to offer is average features and the fact that they're not fat.
I look around and wonder what kind of farce we are living in. It's like the scene from E.T. when he's dressed like a lady - is there just some shell of "thin" that wears and carries all the right stuff that actually tricks people into the illusion of a beautiful woman? Yes, evidently, and if you want proof, take a really good look at all the people around you regarded as attractive.
Now here I run into a verbal quandary because I lack accessible ways to describe myself without sounding immensely egotistical. Basically, however thin or heavy I have been, people always say that I am pretty, if not more frequently veering toward beautiful. I have symmetrical, balanced features that are harmoniously arranged on my face. I have perfectly straight, really white teeth and an infectious dimpled smile. I have natural golden blonde hair highlighted by the sun and pleasantly shaped blue eyes that light up a lot. I am overweight, but I still have an hourglass figure, with toned shapely legs and tapered ankles/wrists that betray a history of athleticism. I carry myself gracefully, and I dress like a lady. Men of older generations openly regard me as gorgeous, and just about every time I leave home, men flirt with me, check me out, or hit on me (which is not at all uncommon in NYC, but I'm not just talking about the street version).
Yet guys my own age don't seem to see anything attractive about me physically (let alone aspects of personality, intelligence, sense of humor, wit etc.). They do the up-and-down, then compare with a skinny girl next to me and deem me unfit to date because I am, by their definition "fat." And to date a fat girl is more shameful than anything they can imagine.
It makes me crazy and a little sick. I cannot count the amount of girlfriends I've been introduced to by enthusiastic male friends who turn out to be mousy, plain if not ugly, and not at all interesting, but extremely thin. I see them all dressed and made up, and they look to me like children in their mother's clothes, their limbs completely lacking shape and their torsos free of any curves save the jutting-out collarbones and hips. And yet, all of my friends would call these girls pretty, if not beautiful. When you see them dressed down, without makeup and their hair piled on their head in a bun, it's even worse. They literally remind me of nothing so much as prepubescent friends from grade school in gym class, but their boyfriends can't keep their hands off of them. I cannot, for my life, understand when a stick-thin skinny girl braless in a camisole became my generation's standard of beauty, but I don't like it.
Still, I should be thin
My motivations in losing weight have always been because I am concerned for my health and want to feel better, both physically and psychologically. I used my weight as a scapegoat through an abusive relationship, and I continue to use it to beat myself up now, but I can finally see that it's not just me who is disordered in the way I think about my body.
When I was a senior in high school, I was a size 4. I remember buying my Calvin Klein prom dress and feeling proud that the 4 was actually a little loose in places because I had an athletic, but petite build and the dress was cut straighter than me. The thing that I always enjoyed about my body was its curves: curves from muscles, hips, and breasts, that made me look feminine and womanly, while still lithe and strong. In what seems now like another lifetime, I had enviably toned arms from swimming and dance and a perfectly-toned midsection. Because I was a runner (among other sports), I didn't have a trace of cellulite on my thighs or butt, and I looked fantastic in a bathing suit.
I don't really need to trace all the ways my figure went to hell since then, but that description is probably about as far from how I would characterize myself now as possible, and it does disgust me. My goal has never been to become one of those frail, skinny, shapeless girls who I loathe in public, and if anything, I'd rather be slightly overweight and curvy than one of them. There is, however, a happy medium between unattractively thin and my current shape, and I feel like I owe it to myself to get back into that kind of shape.
I should do more research and double-check my math, but I am pretty sure that at my height and build, 120-130 is an ideal weight. The last time I weighed that, I think I wore a size 2, but a 4-6 is much more plausible. In my head, the ideal measurements for an hourglass shape are about in that 34-24-36 or 36-26-36 kind of range, but damned if I know how actually accurate or attainable that might be.
All other goals aside, I want to lose weight because I want to be considered attractive. I want to like myself, and I want other people to like me. I want men to put any kind of effort into getting to know me or discovering the things that are actually beautiful about me, but they're not going to do it if they have to look past what they see as just a fat chick. I am tired of being dismissed and disregarded. I know that at a healthier weight, I could be not just thin, but beautiful.
What I can do about it
Right now, I weigh 179. This is, believe it or not, down from the 190 I weighed at the end of the summer (heavy-duty depression having kicked in something terrible). I have been fluctuating around 180 for at least the past 3 years, and I don't think I've been below 160 since I was in my early twenties. I have plenty of excuses, including the dramatic amount of weight I gained (and never lost) when I first went on antidepressants, but that was so long ago it can't possibly matter anymore.
My previous attempts to lose weight have primarily been through dieting because that (erroneously) seemed easier to control and work into my schedule. There was a time when I was swimming regularly, and I was getting toned and fitter in terms of cardiovascular health, but not losing weight or really improving my psychological health. I want some kind of dramatic, impactful exercise that can seriously make a dent in the fat of my upper arms and midsection and make progress toward my overall weight loss goals.
Currently, I walk between 2-3 moderately-paced miles a day, at least four times a week, including stretches up and down nearly 45-degree hills in my neighborhood. I take the stairs as much as I can, with a 25-pound backpack strapped on. I may not be the picture of fitness, but I am capable of strenuous hiking for several miles at any given time, and as of this fall I could kayak for an hour straight without fatigue. Something my mother says, and with which I am inclined to agree is that "underneath all this fat, there's still an athlete."
I need, now, a way to bring her out.
I think my approach needs to be diversified and realistic. I can't, for example, say that I'm going to join a gym and do circuit training for three hours a day because that is just setting myself up to fail (I also don't have the time or money for it). I already walk a lot, which is probably the only reason I've lost 10 pounds since moving and the way I've maintained a base metabolic rate in the face of ghastly eating habits (again, no time, no money, lots of stress and emotions). I am tempted, over and over, to declare that I will start running and drag myself outside with my iPod strapped to my arm, but I do worry that I will only do it once or twice and when the soaring self-satisfaction settles down, give up and go back to doing nothing.
There is a fitness center in my apartment complex, and I have to decide if I can work it into my schedule regularly enough to make it worth the money. Usually the appeal in exercising is getting to spend some time outdoors and, ideally, go somewhere, but this might be a viable alternative during the inclement weather that is right around the corner.
I also know that the single area that makes me feel fattest and grossest, by far, is my upper arms. They are the mystery of my existence, as both my mother and I have disproportionately bulky arms that make us look much larger even than we are. I used to theorize that I must have a lot of flabby muscle from swimming, dancing, playing softball etc. (and my mother from basketball and softball), but it's more likely that that is just a part of our bodies where she and I are inclined to gain weight, for whatever reason. Some women get fat in the ass or thighs, we get fat arms. It is what it is.
So in addition to general core training and aerobic exercise to lose weight all over, I want to really tone the hell out of my arms, through a combination of the One Hundred Push-Ups program, weight-bearing exercise with 3-pound dumbbells, and triceps-focused exercises with TheraBands. I added the last two items to my Christmas list, since my last set of TheraBands have now dry-rotted in the trunk of my car and I gave away my dumbbells years ago.
This summer among my mother's birthday gifts, we also gave her a hula hoop, which was weighted for core fitness.
I had never learned how to hula hoop before, and my whole family took turns trying clumsily to learn. We joked that most of the exercise came from bending down to pick it up after you spun it around your waist a few times and dropped it. In an obsessive day that resulted in incredible bruising all over, I did finally master the art of hula hooping, and I found it was a tremendous workout with the weighted hoop. So I'm asking for a hula hoop of my own for Christmas too.
In a fit of optimism when I was moving, I did bring my exercise mat, and my entire apartment is carpeted, which should facilitate the push-ups and whatever floor-work type exercise I want to do. To prevent unnecessary wallowing about matters of heartbreak, frustration with school etc., I am probably going to institute a policy that I can't imagine is as healthy as it is punitive: if I'm going to think miserable unhappy thoughts, I will hula hoop or do crunches or arm workouts or something while I'm at it. I'll either stop being miserable or start being thin, so it's win-win.
I need to make a plan of some sort for diet, though it's challenging because I've become a sort of pseudo-vegetarian of late. Most meals are centered around eating as many vegetables as possible, and most of my protein is coming from beans, cheese, and tunafish... but there is a major amount of fat and carbs in the meals I'm making. To save money and time, I bought packages of SlimFast bars for breakfasts and lunches, but I'm not formally doing the plan as intended because I still eat whatever I want the rest of the day. The intention, I guess, was to get some kind of nutrition going in the morning and afternoon so my metabolism didn't shut down completely, and by keeping it relatively low-calorie and nutritious I hoped it could counterbalance some of the horrible food choices I made for dinners. I need to take an overall more balanced approach and come up with healthy vegetarian meals (that should be really easy, wouldn't you think??) that aren't all macaroni and cheese or pasta with vegetables or take-out Chinese or pizza (aye, there's the rub). As always, I need to drink more water and eat less sweets, and I should probably take some time to examine how I got to a place in life where junk food is one of my few joys.
I am on a truly abysmally disordered sleep schedule, if you can call it that, which seems largely due to piss-poor time management. This has been the case for as long as I can remember, but I know that if I want to succeed in anything else I want to do in life, I really do need to get my sleep problems under control. I had some success when I first moved with melatonin and a set of rituals about making my bed nicely (that's become habit), showering before bed, laying out my clothes every night, keeping my bedroom as this really clean orderly sanctuary, etc, but I started needing to pull all-nighters and sleeping at erratic hours, and that all went to hell. I It is my sincerest hope that catching up on schoolwork and starting to exercise regularly will make it easier to sleep in a sane way, but I can't expect that to happen without a massive concerted effort.
And happiness. That seems thousands of miles away, but I have to believe that it is possible to be happy whatever my circumstances. I've isolated myself from most of my friends (which is not necessarily a bad thing, since most of my friendships were really destructive), and I have almost no time to spend with the few I still like anyway. That's not good, as I recognize that for as misanthropic as I can be, socialization is an important part of mental health. I have to either make new, healthier friendships, or work the time into my schedule to see my current friends more...or at least talk with them more than once a month (I'm a very bad friend when I'm busy). I have to believe that eating better and exercising will help improve my moods, but it probably wouldn't hurt to start taking St John's Wort and some of the other herbs I was taking previously for depression. I am still leery of prescription psychiatric meds and doubtful that my student health insurance would make it in any way affordable to get counseling, but I am getting really tired of being unhappy for weeks on end. I'm accustomed to cycling moods, sometimes rapidly, but it feels like I slipped into a pretty deep depression somewhere in October and have come out of it for a day or two here and there since then. I don't like the thoughts I have, and I really don't like being this unhappy. Fortunately I am still able to remain the tiniest bit objective about the situation and recognize it's something for which I am responsible and capable of changing.
So, that was a huge amount of rambling, but I think I've caught myself up on matters of psychological and physical health. Mostly.
I need to really try to get my act together and be more forgiving of myself if my discipline falters or life intervenes.
To summarize, going forward I am going to:
- stop wallowing about that heartbreaking situation and the unchangeable things I don't like in life right now
- get caught up on schoolwork and sincerely try to manage my time better
- take up some form of more strenuous aerobic exercise like running or joining the fitness center
- change the battery in my pedometer and attempt to walk more every day and increase my pace
- start the One Hundred Push-Ups program in earnest
- start arm toning exercises
- start hula hooping and doing crunches for core fitness
- try to start drinking more water
- seriously evaluate my diet and try to come up with better meal choices for dinners
- put actual effort into getting onto a healthier sleep-wake cycle
- start taking St John's Wort and other herbs for depression again
- be nicer to myself, by doing all of the above, and taking on healthier thinking habits
Something's got to work, right?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
New Plan, Day Ten
I was up late (until at least 4) talking with that guy friend who's not my boyfriend (he needs a nickname) and slept in until 12 again. I think at some point it'd be more accurate to say I'm already on a bad sleep schedule. Anyway, I was in a bad mood all day because I have a big deadline I've been avoiding and my parents are making me insane preparing for a big party they're throwing this weekend.
See the thing with this party... it's not like I have a say in what they do here, since it's their house. Not holding this party would be tantamount to canceling Christmas, so no matter how much I really needed to spend this week and this coming weekend working on my thesis (and needed a quiet house instead of one bustling with cleaning and the constant nagging to help clean, because obviously I have NOTHING better to do...), they are only concerned with getting ready for the party. And whereas I want to be able to focus on schoolwork and my job work, I now have to halt all progress and focus on getting my room clean (even though I really want to just lock the door) and cleaning the common areas of the house where I keep things, like my painting studio that is in the kitchen, where most of the party always congregates. Also, I don't really want to see a bunch of family and my parents' friends because honestly, I'd rather put my head down and finish my thesis, or have a quiet weekend at home. This party literally couldn't come at a worse time, and I am completely dreading it.
This is to say nothing of what it's going to do to my diet, which is going dreadfully in terms of progress (I weighed myself, it's not good). Anyway, on with the day.
Breakfast, 1pm
While preparing this, I read the nutrition information on the English muffins and was pleasantly surprised that they are only 100 calories, so they do count as just one bread (this was a disagreement I had with my mother), and that they have 8 grams of dietary fiber to boot. Not bad.
It is also worth noting that this was the last of the caffeinated soda in the house, which has put me in a terrible mood. Both of my parents cannot function without coffee or tea in the morning (I don't really do well with either - the acidity burns holes in my stomach), yet they couldn't care less about when we run out of soda. My father seems to view it primarily as a mixer for rum drinks, and my mother doesn't really care what she drinks, but will drink all the soda if it's there, then not worry about replacing it. I know this is my own neurosis, but it is SO annoying.
Lunch, 5pm
I made these from leftovers a little before dinner, in the middle of tense conversations with both of my parents. They were fine, but I didn't enjoy them the way I usually love tacos because I was in the middle of a terrible day. Ugh.
Dinner, 8pm
My mother kind of annoyed the bejesus out of me while cooking these. Last week I tried showing her how to make them, and she wouldn't pay attention. Then I explained it about five or six times and said it's really the same exact preparation as tacos, just with turkey. When she was buying groceries for the week, I said I cannot cook anything until after Wednesday because of this stupid deadline for school stuff, and she bought groceries for meals that she claims only I know how to cook. Disregarding that she's the one who taught me how to make tacos in the first place, who doesn't know how to make tacos?!
Gah. Today is really frustrating. Anyway, this tostada was messy and the wrap fell apart whenever I tried to make something I could hold. I was also disgusted and annoyed because my family has somehow gotten in the habit of eating dinner in the TV room. This wouldn't be so bad, except that room has only two armchairs in it for furniture, and my dad uses the spare kitchen chair they bring in as a table. So my options are usually to ask him to stop using it as a table and sit in the greasy spot where he spilled turkey meat (I did that last night) or sit on the floor with my back to the radiator, with two big dogs panting in my face. I absolutely hate eating in that room, and I'd finally had it and decided to eat the rest of my dinner at the dining room table like a person.
Dessert, 9pm
I'm not sure I even really tasted this. I was fuming over stupid arguments with my parents and frustration about not being able to concentrate on work. There is literally not a single room in the house where I can do schoolwork right now, and they couldn't care less. They don't actually realize that if I can't get this work done, I will not graduate, and my father keeps harping on that if I really wanted to, I could write my thesis in three days. He has no idea what he's talking about, nor does my mother, because neither of them have written a graduate dissertation before, but they seem to think it's just a big paper. I want to cry.
Late-night Snack, 11pm
I had closed myself up in my room trying to get anything done, and I couldn't concentrate because my parents were bickering about something and coming in literally every few minutes to talk to me about nonsense. I took a break on Facebook, where my mom started IMing me, pestering me to play my word in Scrabble. I nearly threw my computer out the window and told her I was going to drive to the store to buy soda and while I was there I was going to get cookies too, since it doesn't matter what I do this week, the whole diet is going to get ruined this weekend. She responded by saying if I do get cookies, only get enough for myself because she has no self control if they're in the house. Then nagged me about laundry, while the machines were still full of her laundry and like, the sheets to the guest bed and curtains and stuff.
I went downstairs and decided to have soup and found the dregs of a pitcher of lemonade in the fridge. I was so tired and had such a caffeine-deprivation headache by this point that I just slurped down both and went to bed, annoyed beyond belief.
Summary
Today was a stupid, frustrating day. I want to move out of my parents' house immediately, but I have nowhere to go. That's how I started living here in the first place, and that's the same situation I'll be in IF I am able to graduate. My life is enormously stupid.
See the thing with this party... it's not like I have a say in what they do here, since it's their house. Not holding this party would be tantamount to canceling Christmas, so no matter how much I really needed to spend this week and this coming weekend working on my thesis (and needed a quiet house instead of one bustling with cleaning and the constant nagging to help clean, because obviously I have NOTHING better to do...), they are only concerned with getting ready for the party. And whereas I want to be able to focus on schoolwork and my job work, I now have to halt all progress and focus on getting my room clean (even though I really want to just lock the door) and cleaning the common areas of the house where I keep things, like my painting studio that is in the kitchen, where most of the party always congregates. Also, I don't really want to see a bunch of family and my parents' friends because honestly, I'd rather put my head down and finish my thesis, or have a quiet weekend at home. This party literally couldn't come at a worse time, and I am completely dreading it.
This is to say nothing of what it's going to do to my diet, which is going dreadfully in terms of progress (I weighed myself, it's not good). Anyway, on with the day.
Breakfast, 1pm
- ham and cheese on Lite whole-grain English muffin
- navel orange
- 12 oz. Coke Cherry Zero
While preparing this, I read the nutrition information on the English muffins and was pleasantly surprised that they are only 100 calories, so they do count as just one bread (this was a disagreement I had with my mother), and that they have 8 grams of dietary fiber to boot. Not bad.
It is also worth noting that this was the last of the caffeinated soda in the house, which has put me in a terrible mood. Both of my parents cannot function without coffee or tea in the morning (I don't really do well with either - the acidity burns holes in my stomach), yet they couldn't care less about when we run out of soda. My father seems to view it primarily as a mixer for rum drinks, and my mother doesn't really care what she drinks, but will drink all the soda if it's there, then not worry about replacing it. I know this is my own neurosis, but it is SO annoying.
Lunch, 5pm
- beef tacos with cheese, salsa, lettuce, tomatoes, pickled jalapeños and fresh cilantro
- 24 oz. water (np)
I made these from leftovers a little before dinner, in the middle of tense conversations with both of my parents. They were fine, but I didn't enjoy them the way I usually love tacos because I was in the middle of a terrible day. Ugh.
Dinner, 8pm
- turkey tostada made with ground turkey, salsa, spices, reduced-fat Cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato, sliced avocado, pickled jalapeños, and fresh cilantro on a whole wheat wrap
- 24 oz water (np)
My mother kind of annoyed the bejesus out of me while cooking these. Last week I tried showing her how to make them, and she wouldn't pay attention. Then I explained it about five or six times and said it's really the same exact preparation as tacos, just with turkey. When she was buying groceries for the week, I said I cannot cook anything until after Wednesday because of this stupid deadline for school stuff, and she bought groceries for meals that she claims only I know how to cook. Disregarding that she's the one who taught me how to make tacos in the first place, who doesn't know how to make tacos?!
Gah. Today is really frustrating. Anyway, this tostada was messy and the wrap fell apart whenever I tried to make something I could hold. I was also disgusted and annoyed because my family has somehow gotten in the habit of eating dinner in the TV room. This wouldn't be so bad, except that room has only two armchairs in it for furniture, and my dad uses the spare kitchen chair they bring in as a table. So my options are usually to ask him to stop using it as a table and sit in the greasy spot where he spilled turkey meat (I did that last night) or sit on the floor with my back to the radiator, with two big dogs panting in my face. I absolutely hate eating in that room, and I'd finally had it and decided to eat the rest of my dinner at the dining room table like a person.
Dessert, 9pm
- Yoplait Light yogurt, red velvet cake flavor
- sliced kiwi
I'm not sure I even really tasted this. I was fuming over stupid arguments with my parents and frustration about not being able to concentrate on work. There is literally not a single room in the house where I can do schoolwork right now, and they couldn't care less. They don't actually realize that if I can't get this work done, I will not graduate, and my father keeps harping on that if I really wanted to, I could write my thesis in three days. He has no idea what he's talking about, nor does my mother, because neither of them have written a graduate dissertation before, but they seem to think it's just a big paper. I want to cry.
Late-night Snack, 11pm
- bowl of tomato soup with basil, salt and fresh cracked pepper
- 16 oz. Crystal Light lemonade (np)
I had closed myself up in my room trying to get anything done, and I couldn't concentrate because my parents were bickering about something and coming in literally every few minutes to talk to me about nonsense. I took a break on Facebook, where my mom started IMing me, pestering me to play my word in Scrabble. I nearly threw my computer out the window and told her I was going to drive to the store to buy soda and while I was there I was going to get cookies too, since it doesn't matter what I do this week, the whole diet is going to get ruined this weekend. She responded by saying if I do get cookies, only get enough for myself because she has no self control if they're in the house. Then nagged me about laundry, while the machines were still full of her laundry and like, the sheets to the guest bed and curtains and stuff.
I went downstairs and decided to have soup and found the dregs of a pitcher of lemonade in the fridge. I was so tired and had such a caffeine-deprivation headache by this point that I just slurped down both and went to bed, annoyed beyond belief.
Summary
Today was a stupid, frustrating day. I want to move out of my parents' house immediately, but I have nowhere to go. That's how I started living here in the first place, and that's the same situation I'll be in IF I am able to graduate. My life is enormously stupid.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
New Plan, Day Nine
I don't know why, but I slept until after noon today. I wasn't even really tired, but I think I was avoiding responsibilities.
Breakfast, 12:30pm
It was an interesting contrast between real orange and orange soda - I really enjoyed both.
Lunch, 3pm
I worried that this wouldn't reheat well (because risotto is famous for its fickleness and ability to quickly turn to slop if not treated gently), but in fact I think it got better after a little time in the fridge for the Arborio rice to absorb even more tomato flavor. It looks dry in this photo, but once I stirred it up, it was creamy, delicate, and really tasty. It had barely any chicken in this serving, which is probably good since I worry about how long ago that was first cooked - I'll have to thank my father for picking so much of the chicken out when it was in the fridge.
Pre-Dinner Snack, 8pm
While my mother was cooking dinner, I was hovering, and of course standing in a kitchen while food is cooking is the easiest way to get hungry. I kept milling around trying to think of something to eat and finally decided on a salad, which I inhaled.
Dinner, 8:15pm
Oh man, so delicious. I don't think there will ever be a time in my life when I couldn't go for a taco, and these were superb. I ranted and raved while eating them, feeling like I was pigging out.
Snacks, 10-11:30pm
I'm not sure what to say except that I was grazing. I wasn't hungry per se - dinner was very satisfying and filling. It was more like having the munchies, which I think is hormone-related at the moment. I was going for crunchy foods in the popcorn cakes and broccoli, though I realize now that the cakes probably put me over for breads.
The broccoli was surprisingly delicious, even if I had a "who are you and what have you done with Vicki?" moment as I was preparing it to eat. I'm still mystified by how a dressing (which was actually rather tasty) could be calorie free, and it seems to have a lot to do with Xanthan gum and other wacky chemical food additives more frequently encountered in molecular gastronomy. Mmmm, delicious science.
I also drank all of my waters in one shot, two bottles in a row and the third about 45 min later. I dunno, it's just easier to sit and sip it through my water bottle straw, and if I have to spend an hour or two having to pee every 15 min, it seems less awful than feeling like I'm about to wet my pants all day.
Summary
I had an enormous appetite today, which is dangerous when combined with an utter lack of activity. I think I made decent choices, and I'm glad I got 9 waters in, though I forgot I was supposed to aim for 10-12. Sigh. One more bottleful.
I really need to do some exercise, but I've been using a looming deadline (which I've been procrastinating like a champ) as an excuse not to do anything. Disorganization and poor time management have a global negative effect on my life, but I am also starting to see the clear ways they impact my diet and fitness. I may elaborate more on that in a separate post.
Breakfast, 12:30pm
- ham and cheese toasted on Lite whole grain English muffin
- navel orange
- 12 oz. Diet Fanta orange (not pictured)
It was an interesting contrast between real orange and orange soda - I really enjoyed both.
Lunch, 3pm
- leftover chicken, vegetable and tomato risotto
- fresh herb salad with creamy Caesar dressing
- 12 oz. Coke Cherry Zero
I worried that this wouldn't reheat well (because risotto is famous for its fickleness and ability to quickly turn to slop if not treated gently), but in fact I think it got better after a little time in the fridge for the Arborio rice to absorb even more tomato flavor. It looks dry in this photo, but once I stirred it up, it was creamy, delicate, and really tasty. It had barely any chicken in this serving, which is probably good since I worry about how long ago that was first cooked - I'll have to thank my father for picking so much of the chicken out when it was in the fridge.
Pre-Dinner Snack, 8pm
- fresh herb salad with creamy Caesar dressing
- several glasses of Diet Coke (I lost count)
While my mother was cooking dinner, I was hovering, and of course standing in a kitchen while food is cooking is the easiest way to get hungry. I kept milling around trying to think of something to eat and finally decided on a salad, which I inhaled.
Dinner, 8:15pm
- beef tacos with reduced fat Cheddar cheese, salsa, sliced avocado, Romaine lettuce, tomatoes, pickled jalapeños and fresh cilantro
- 24 oz. Diet Coke (not pictured)
Oh man, so delicious. I don't think there will ever be a time in my life when I couldn't go for a taco, and these were superb. I ranted and raved while eating them, feeling like I was pigging out.
Snacks, 10-11:30pm
- Yoplait Light Thick n' Creamy yogurt, Cinnamon bun flavor (not pictured)
- 2 caramel popcorn cakes with sugar-free Concord grape jelly
- navel orange (np)
- broccoli florets dipped in Walden Farms calorie-free Ranch dressing
- 72 oz. water (np)
I'm not sure what to say except that I was grazing. I wasn't hungry per se - dinner was very satisfying and filling. It was more like having the munchies, which I think is hormone-related at the moment. I was going for crunchy foods in the popcorn cakes and broccoli, though I realize now that the cakes probably put me over for breads.
The broccoli was surprisingly delicious, even if I had a "who are you and what have you done with Vicki?" moment as I was preparing it to eat. I'm still mystified by how a dressing (which was actually rather tasty) could be calorie free, and it seems to have a lot to do with Xanthan gum and other wacky chemical food additives more frequently encountered in molecular gastronomy. Mmmm, delicious science.
I also drank all of my waters in one shot, two bottles in a row and the third about 45 min later. I dunno, it's just easier to sit and sip it through my water bottle straw, and if I have to spend an hour or two having to pee every 15 min, it seems less awful than feeling like I'm about to wet my pants all day.
Summary
I had an enormous appetite today, which is dangerous when combined with an utter lack of activity. I think I made decent choices, and I'm glad I got 9 waters in, though I forgot I was supposed to aim for 10-12. Sigh. One more bottleful.
I really need to do some exercise, but I've been using a looming deadline (which I've been procrastinating like a champ) as an excuse not to do anything. Disorganization and poor time management have a global negative effect on my life, but I am also starting to see the clear ways they impact my diet and fitness. I may elaborate more on that in a separate post.
Monday, March 08, 2010
New Plan, Day Eight
I slept in again this morning, for no good reason, until about 10. I know that my sleep schedule is getting progressively worse, so I should make some effort to get on track.
Breakfast, 12:30pm
I figured I should eat the rest of the cottage cheese before I even wonder if it's turning. I don't know why I'm so sensitive to food freshness, but the thought of spoiled dairy gives me chills.
I added twice the wheat germ this time, since I read the nutrition facts and saw it only had 1g of dietary fiber per serving. This, combined with the 3g from the bread, put me at 4 before I ate the orange. I started wondering about the RDA for dietary fiber and varying internet sources put it around 24g for a 2000 calorie diet. I don't actually know if you should have more or less if you're on a lower calorie diet, and for that matter, I don't actually know what kind of calorie diet I'm on. Part of me wants to investigate and add it up, but most of me is equally aversive to doing the math and finding out the number. It's much better for me to look at things as exchanges and try to eat right rather than treat my body like a not-always-reliable math problem to solve.
Lunch, 3:30pm
I was in the middle of working on something, so this was a nice quick meal to pop in the microwave and enjoy.
Dinner, 8:30pm
My mom made her beloved chicken stir-fry, to great success. Our whole family loves this meal, and I really enjoyed so many fresh vegetables. I worried a little that I may have gone over for the amount of chicken in my serving, but I think it ended up alright.
Snack, 11pm
As usual, love this yogurt. When I realized I'd hit almost all of my exchanges for the day, I had my second fruit and the rest of my water to try to make it a perfect day.
My mom and I talked a little this evening about how it doesn't really feel like dieting, still, and because we're eating such delicious, balanced meals, we feel really satisfied and almost like we're indulging when eating right.
Summary
Today was a great day - I got a lot of work done, I forgot I was on a diet, I was energetic and able to concentrate, and I even got all my waters in. The only downside is that I feel like every time I turned around I had to pee. I'm sure I'll get used to it with time.
Breakfast, 12:30pm
- low-fat cottage cheese mixed with honey toasted wheat germ, on double protein bread
- navel orange
I figured I should eat the rest of the cottage cheese before I even wonder if it's turning. I don't know why I'm so sensitive to food freshness, but the thought of spoiled dairy gives me chills.
I added twice the wheat germ this time, since I read the nutrition facts and saw it only had 1g of dietary fiber per serving. This, combined with the 3g from the bread, put me at 4 before I ate the orange. I started wondering about the RDA for dietary fiber and varying internet sources put it around 24g for a 2000 calorie diet. I don't actually know if you should have more or less if you're on a lower calorie diet, and for that matter, I don't actually know what kind of calorie diet I'm on. Part of me wants to investigate and add it up, but most of me is equally aversive to doing the math and finding out the number. It's much better for me to look at things as exchanges and try to eat right rather than treat my body like a not-always-reliable math problem to solve.
Lunch, 3:30pm
- leftover Cuban pork and Arborio rice with vegetables
- 12 oz. Diet Coke (not pictured)
- 24 oz. water
I was in the middle of working on something, so this was a nice quick meal to pop in the microwave and enjoy.
Dinner, 8:30pm
- chicken stir-fry with carrots, celery, green beans, water chestnuts, bamboo shoots, and fresh cilantro cooked in chicken broth and soy sauce, with ginger and other spices, over rice
- 24 oz. Diet Coke (not pictured)
- 24 oz. water
My mom made her beloved chicken stir-fry, to great success. Our whole family loves this meal, and I really enjoyed so many fresh vegetables. I worried a little that I may have gone over for the amount of chicken in my serving, but I think it ended up alright.
Snack, 11pm
- Yoplait Light Thick n' Creamy, cinnamon bun flavor
- navel orange
- 24 oz. water
As usual, love this yogurt. When I realized I'd hit almost all of my exchanges for the day, I had my second fruit and the rest of my water to try to make it a perfect day.
My mom and I talked a little this evening about how it doesn't really feel like dieting, still, and because we're eating such delicious, balanced meals, we feel really satisfied and almost like we're indulging when eating right.
Summary
Today was a great day - I got a lot of work done, I forgot I was on a diet, I was energetic and able to concentrate, and I even got all my waters in. The only downside is that I feel like every time I turned around I had to pee. I'm sure I'll get used to it with time.
Sunday, March 07, 2010
New Plan, Day Seven
I just realized that the days I've been on this diet, so far, correspond with the dates of the month. Neat.
So I was up very late last night talking with someone... I would say more, but I'm still pretty paranoid that my Blogger account will somehow link this site through Google Buzz and publish everything I say directly to him, which would make for a horribly embarrassing situation.
On one hand I need for this site to be anonymous, so that I can be honest with myself and use it in a meaningful way (not to mention that I'm publishing my weight and information about my colon health on the internet), but then I also realize that anyone who knew me could probably easily figure out it's me if they happened across this page. I also know that at least one of my friends and my ex-boyfriend know the URL and could share it with other people at any time (wow, I hope that doesn't happen). Still, I don't want to start self-censoring or going back and deleting overly personal things, because it's really helpful for me to keep track of my health and thoughts on things.
Anyway, because I was up until 4, I slept in until 10:30 and was a little groggy. In days gone by, I might have slept in until late in the afternoon, so at least I'm still up in the morning, but I know I should make more of an effort to have a consistent sleep schedule.
Breakfast, 12pm
I wasn't really sure how to explain this bread, so I took a photo of its bag. It evidently has "18 grams of whole grains" (I wish they would just put it in terms of dietary fiber, but it's 3g per 18g of carbohydrates) and 14 grams of protein per 2 slices, so 7 in this one. All that notwithstanding, it was delicious, and I really enjoyed its flavor with the cottage cheese and subtle sweetness of the wheat germ.
This was a nice breakfast, and as much as I adore the ham and cheese breakfasts, I figure it's a good idea to mix it up a little, especially if I can find ways to work wheat germ into it, since I want my hair to get healthier.
Whining about my Skin and Hair
Boy, I am chatty today. So something that happened this week, which could be hormonal, stress, could be from not showering one day, could be from using a different shampoo and soap, or could be from all of the above, is that my skin and hair went to hell. I don't mean like dry or frazzled, I mean greasy as anything. My hair was so gross that if I showered in the morning, it would look as if I hadn't by the afternoon. I know I need to get it cut, but this was a pretty noticeable change.
As a consequence, or perhaps in a related phenomenon, my skin erupted in tiny pimples, especially around my hairline, eyebrows, nose and chin. While I would generally complain that I have bad skin because I have a lot of clogged pores (makeup) and occasional breakouts, it's never like this. I look like I'm thirteen again!
I'm sure it is coincidental to having started this diet, since my body can't possibly object that much to healthy food and water, but it's certainly a pain in the neck. I was already planning to lighten my hair today, which will probably cut the grease a little, and I'll switch back to my regular shampoo from the super moisturizing kind I'd been using. I'm going to really wash the hell out of my Clarisonic brush and try to be more consistent with which face products I use. Also change my sheets, clean my room up, and not skip any more showers! I hope all this, combined with my hormones sorting themselves out, will fix my skin quickly because man, it's not pretty.
Lunch, 3pm
The pork and rice was, predictably, delicious, maybe even more than last night since the flavors melded together more. I also shouldn't discount the anticipation, knowing that this was delicious food I couldn't wait to eat again.
The other components of this meal were sort of like grazing, thinking through what foods I had that I could eat for my exchanges. Always tasty, of course, and I loved the yogurt. I do worry that my "pinches" of pecorino Romano are getting a bit too big... even if I use them as my main fats, I should be careful not to go over.
Dinner, 9pm
My family agreed we'd have leftovers tonight, and while I very much wanted more pork, I knew the chicken and vegetables from last week would go to waste if I didn't have them. I livened them up with crushed tomatoes, then added water and Arborio rice, simmering and stirring until it took on the feel of a very tasty, creamy risotto. I'm completely obsessed with Arborio rice and risottos at the moment, so this was a great dinner.
Snack, 11:30pm
It's nice having three servings of dairy, as that means I can enjoy another yogurt as a dessert. The apple turnover was crazy delicious, as all of these yogurts are, which really takes the edge off of dieting.
I've been guzzling Diet Coke all day, and I didn't realize until almost midnight that I hadn't had any water, so I began a campaign of drinking all 72 oz. between 11:30 and 1:30. I haven't been mentioning when I take the fiber supplements, but I took an extra one today. I can't actually find my other vitamins, so I haven't been taking those yet.
Summary
Today was very satisfying, food-wise - I actually felt like I was pigging out. I did realize that when I was procrastinating schoolwork I needed to do, or when I was just puttering around the house, I kept wanting to snack. Instead I took that fidgeting energy and applied it toward lightening my hair (it came out nice), doing a mini facial with scrubs and a grease-fighting mask, and reading art monographs (always a pleasure). My skin and hair are looking a lot better already, and I hope they continue to improve as the week goes on.
I feel like I'm cheating when I drink all my water in one go. It's not like I'm not drinking any fluids - I had quite a hefty amount of Diet Coke, but I know that's not enough. Anyway, I have to assume it still does its job without major diminished efficacy.
So I was up very late last night talking with someone... I would say more, but I'm still pretty paranoid that my Blogger account will somehow link this site through Google Buzz and publish everything I say directly to him, which would make for a horribly embarrassing situation.
On one hand I need for this site to be anonymous, so that I can be honest with myself and use it in a meaningful way (not to mention that I'm publishing my weight and information about my colon health on the internet), but then I also realize that anyone who knew me could probably easily figure out it's me if they happened across this page. I also know that at least one of my friends and my ex-boyfriend know the URL and could share it with other people at any time (wow, I hope that doesn't happen). Still, I don't want to start self-censoring or going back and deleting overly personal things, because it's really helpful for me to keep track of my health and thoughts on things.
Anyway, because I was up until 4, I slept in until 10:30 and was a little groggy. In days gone by, I might have slept in until late in the afternoon, so at least I'm still up in the morning, but I know I should make more of an effort to have a consistent sleep schedule.
Breakfast, 12pm
- low-fat cottage cheese mixed with honey toasted Wheat germ and spread on wholegrain Double Protein toast
- navel orange
- 12 oz. Coke Cherry Zero (not pictured)
I wasn't really sure how to explain this bread, so I took a photo of its bag. It evidently has "18 grams of whole grains" (I wish they would just put it in terms of dietary fiber, but it's 3g per 18g of carbohydrates) and 14 grams of protein per 2 slices, so 7 in this one. All that notwithstanding, it was delicious, and I really enjoyed its flavor with the cottage cheese and subtle sweetness of the wheat germ.
This was a nice breakfast, and as much as I adore the ham and cheese breakfasts, I figure it's a good idea to mix it up a little, especially if I can find ways to work wheat germ into it, since I want my hair to get healthier.
Whining about my Skin and Hair
Boy, I am chatty today. So something that happened this week, which could be hormonal, stress, could be from not showering one day, could be from using a different shampoo and soap, or could be from all of the above, is that my skin and hair went to hell. I don't mean like dry or frazzled, I mean greasy as anything. My hair was so gross that if I showered in the morning, it would look as if I hadn't by the afternoon. I know I need to get it cut, but this was a pretty noticeable change.
As a consequence, or perhaps in a related phenomenon, my skin erupted in tiny pimples, especially around my hairline, eyebrows, nose and chin. While I would generally complain that I have bad skin because I have a lot of clogged pores (makeup) and occasional breakouts, it's never like this. I look like I'm thirteen again!
I'm sure it is coincidental to having started this diet, since my body can't possibly object that much to healthy food and water, but it's certainly a pain in the neck. I was already planning to lighten my hair today, which will probably cut the grease a little, and I'll switch back to my regular shampoo from the super moisturizing kind I'd been using. I'm going to really wash the hell out of my Clarisonic brush and try to be more consistent with which face products I use. Also change my sheets, clean my room up, and not skip any more showers! I hope all this, combined with my hormones sorting themselves out, will fix my skin quickly because man, it's not pretty.
Lunch, 3pm
- leftover Cuban pork with rice
- fresh herb salad with lite creamy Caesar dressing
- tomato soup with herbs and pecorino Romano
- Yoplait Light fat-free yogurt, Boston cream pie flavor (not pictured)
- 32 oz. Diet Coke
The pork and rice was, predictably, delicious, maybe even more than last night since the flavors melded together more. I also shouldn't discount the anticipation, knowing that this was delicious food I couldn't wait to eat again.
The other components of this meal were sort of like grazing, thinking through what foods I had that I could eat for my exchanges. Always tasty, of course, and I loved the yogurt. I do worry that my "pinches" of pecorino Romano are getting a bit too big... even if I use them as my main fats, I should be careful not to go over.
Dinner, 9pm
- chicken, vegetable and tomato risotto
- 24 oz. Diet Coke
- navel orange (not pictured)
My family agreed we'd have leftovers tonight, and while I very much wanted more pork, I knew the chicken and vegetables from last week would go to waste if I didn't have them. I livened them up with crushed tomatoes, then added water and Arborio rice, simmering and stirring until it took on the feel of a very tasty, creamy risotto. I'm completely obsessed with Arborio rice and risottos at the moment, so this was a great dinner.
Snack, 11:30pm
- Yoplait Light fat-free yogurt, Apple turnover flavor
- 12 oz. Diet Coke
- 24 oz. water
It's nice having three servings of dairy, as that means I can enjoy another yogurt as a dessert. The apple turnover was crazy delicious, as all of these yogurts are, which really takes the edge off of dieting.
I've been guzzling Diet Coke all day, and I didn't realize until almost midnight that I hadn't had any water, so I began a campaign of drinking all 72 oz. between 11:30 and 1:30. I haven't been mentioning when I take the fiber supplements, but I took an extra one today. I can't actually find my other vitamins, so I haven't been taking those yet.
Summary
Today was very satisfying, food-wise - I actually felt like I was pigging out. I did realize that when I was procrastinating schoolwork I needed to do, or when I was just puttering around the house, I kept wanting to snack. Instead I took that fidgeting energy and applied it toward lightening my hair (it came out nice), doing a mini facial with scrubs and a grease-fighting mask, and reading art monographs (always a pleasure). My skin and hair are looking a lot better already, and I hope they continue to improve as the week goes on.
I feel like I'm cheating when I drink all my water in one go. It's not like I'm not drinking any fluids - I had quite a hefty amount of Diet Coke, but I know that's not enough. Anyway, I have to assume it still does its job without major diminished efficacy.
Weigh-In, Week Two
After about a week of dieting, I was a little nervous about weighing in this morning.
At 179.5, it turns out those fears were unfounded. I lost 2.5 pounds this week, and I'm really happy about that.
I'll try to get more sophisticated about a graph when I have a few more data points to enter. Right now I've lost 4% of the weight I want to lose. 59.5 pounds to go.
I made a weight loss ticker thing too, though it won't be accurate after I enter new data each week. Oh well.
My mother lost 5 pounds, which I found rather remarkable. At first she shrugged it off saying she had a lot more to lose, but then she started theorizing about how she must have eaten more vegetables or been more active. I also know that I'm supposed to get my period this week, so I'm retaining water a little and my metabolism always gets sluggish this time in the month. I have to remember it's not a contest - I'm really happy to lose at all!
At 179.5, it turns out those fears were unfounded. I lost 2.5 pounds this week, and I'm really happy about that.
I'll try to get more sophisticated about a graph when I have a few more data points to enter. Right now I've lost 4% of the weight I want to lose. 59.5 pounds to go.
I made a weight loss ticker thing too, though it won't be accurate after I enter new data each week. Oh well.
My mother lost 5 pounds, which I found rather remarkable. At first she shrugged it off saying she had a lot more to lose, but then she started theorizing about how she must have eaten more vegetables or been more active. I also know that I'm supposed to get my period this week, so I'm retaining water a little and my metabolism always gets sluggish this time in the month. I have to remember it's not a contest - I'm really happy to lose at all!
Saturday, March 06, 2010
The Week in Review, Week One
I weigh in tomorrow morning, and while I've only been on this diet for a week, I'm feeling really good about being able to do this as a real lifestyle change this time.
(click to see larger)
The meals I've prepared were mostly fantastic: colorful, flavorful, full of fresh vegetables, and really satisfying. I think I'm developing staples in the ham and cheese breakfast, flatbread pizzas for lunch, and tomato soup for snacks (yum).
The dinners I enjoyed most this week were the tacos and turkey tostada... and the Cuban pork, which I guess says how much I love Mexican and Cuban flavors. So much the better, since they're quick and easy to cook too.
I struggled with water this week, though I think I'm improving. I also barely exercised at all - now that the weather is starting to look up, perhaps I can get myself running again this coming week.
All in all, I'm feeling good, and I hope to see that reflected in some kind of weight loss in the morning. Either way, I know my body is benefitting from healthier foods and so many fresh vegetables.
(click to see larger)
The meals I've prepared were mostly fantastic: colorful, flavorful, full of fresh vegetables, and really satisfying. I think I'm developing staples in the ham and cheese breakfast, flatbread pizzas for lunch, and tomato soup for snacks (yum).
The dinners I enjoyed most this week were the tacos and turkey tostada... and the Cuban pork, which I guess says how much I love Mexican and Cuban flavors. So much the better, since they're quick and easy to cook too.
I struggled with water this week, though I think I'm improving. I also barely exercised at all - now that the weather is starting to look up, perhaps I can get myself running again this coming week.
All in all, I'm feeling good, and I hope to see that reflected in some kind of weight loss in the morning. Either way, I know my body is benefitting from healthier foods and so many fresh vegetables.
New Plan, Day Six
I woke up about 8:30 feeling much better than yesterday (several stresses alleviated), and I was overjoyed that it was sunny outside.
Breakfast, 10:30am
I really love this breakfast - it's great to start my day with protein and some fresh fruit. I have a feeling it's going to become the usual.
Exercise, 12pm
I went for another dog walk with my parents, on the same route as the other day, but I couldn't find my pedometer, so I don't have the exact distance or pace. I know it was slow, but at least I got outside and enjoyed the sunshine. I spent the afternoon out in the yard as well, which I think is very good for me.
Lunch, 2pm
I am so in love with these pizzas, I feel like I could eat them every day and still want to sing songs about them. Yum.
Dinner, 8pm
My mom found this recipe online (I'll ask her for the source tomorrow), and it was incredibly delicious. I don't usually eat pork (then again I don't usually eat eggs either), but prepared this way, with so much flavor from paprika and cumin, it was tremendous. I could have eaten five more bowls of this, and fortunately, we have enough leftovers that I can have it for future meals.
Snack, 11pm
I realize that I went over for my dairy, but I've decided that I'm going to allow myself 3 low-fat servings of dairy rather than 2, after reading a little bit about the benefits of dairy in weight loss. Technically I think the popcorn cakes should have been a bread, but they're so low in calories and have such a good trade-off of dietary fiber to carbohydrates that I'm inclined to call them a wash.
I really wanted to get all my water in for the day, so I spent some time chugging it late at night. I don't know if that will have much health benefit beyond making me wake up fifteen times in the middle of the night to pee, but hey, at least I got 9 glasses in.
Summary
Today was a pretty great day. I really enjoyed all the food, and I got in my waters. I got to spend time outside and generally moving around doing stuff, which makes my body feel nice. My mom and I talked about how even if we find we haven't lost weight tomorrow, we're winning already, and that feels great.
Breakfast, 10:30am
- ham and cheese toasted on a whole grain English muffin
- navel orange
- 12 oz. Coke Cherry Zero
I really love this breakfast - it's great to start my day with protein and some fresh fruit. I have a feeling it's going to become the usual.
Exercise, 12pm
- walked approximately 1.97 miles, at a slow pace
I went for another dog walk with my parents, on the same route as the other day, but I couldn't find my pedometer, so I don't have the exact distance or pace. I know it was slow, but at least I got outside and enjoyed the sunshine. I spent the afternoon out in the yard as well, which I think is very good for me.
Lunch, 2pm
- flatbread pizza made with tomato sauce, part-skim mozzarella, mushrooms, and broccoli, seasoned with basil, garlic powder, salt, fresh black pepper, red pepper, and nutmeg
- 32 oz. Diet Dr Pepper (not pictured)
I am so in love with these pizzas, I feel like I could eat them every day and still want to sing songs about them. Yum.
Dinner, 8pm
- Cuban pork cooked with Arborio rice, tomatoes, green beans, green peppers, and tons of paprika
- 12 oz. Coke Cherry Zero (not pictured)
- 24 oz. water
- herb salad with Lite Creamy Caesar dressing
My mom found this recipe online (I'll ask her for the source tomorrow), and it was incredibly delicious. I don't usually eat pork (then again I don't usually eat eggs either), but prepared this way, with so much flavor from paprika and cumin, it was tremendous. I could have eaten five more bowls of this, and fortunately, we have enough leftovers that I can have it for future meals.
Snack, 11pm
- Yoplait Light Thick n' Creamy, cinnamon roll flavor (not pictured)
- 2 caramel popcorn cakes (not pictured)
- 48 oz. water
I realize that I went over for my dairy, but I've decided that I'm going to allow myself 3 low-fat servings of dairy rather than 2, after reading a little bit about the benefits of dairy in weight loss. Technically I think the popcorn cakes should have been a bread, but they're so low in calories and have such a good trade-off of dietary fiber to carbohydrates that I'm inclined to call them a wash.
I really wanted to get all my water in for the day, so I spent some time chugging it late at night. I don't know if that will have much health benefit beyond making me wake up fifteen times in the middle of the night to pee, but hey, at least I got 9 glasses in.
Summary
Today was a pretty great day. I really enjoyed all the food, and I got in my waters. I got to spend time outside and generally moving around doing stuff, which makes my body feel nice. My mom and I talked about how even if we find we haven't lost weight tomorrow, we're winning already, and that feels great.
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