Right for all the wrong reasons

I may or may not have forgotten that this blog existed until I got an email notification of a comment prompting me to write again (thank you!).

"Oh right, I have a health and fitness blog," I thought, "I should probably write an update."

And realizing that I didn't have much to say, having traded diet and fitness once again for school and stress (and travel), I thought, "Well I guess I should get back to work on my health!"

I have a problematic thought process regarding my weight and health, as the motivations rarely stem from living a better quality of life or feeling better... it's usually more like I see a photo of myself and look fatter than I expected to, so I decide I must exercise. A potential romantic situation peters out, and I immediately correlate lower abdominal fat or a softness around the chin with my value and desirability as a human being.

He must not have loved me because I'm so fat.

As much as I know that my behavior (and neuroses) are much more to blame than extra poundage, I do realize that people are physical, vision-based biological organisms, and a lot of sexual attraction does stem from visual cues.

I'm not lacking in attention from men. Walking through the train station or in the city, they are frequently turning and checking me out, often smiling or making eyes. Guys strike up conversations with me everywhere, and when I go out with friends, I can pretty much count on at least mild flirtation. This is to say I know my first impression is not of a huge fat beast, and I realize that dressing stylishly and carrying oneself confidently goes miles.

The thing is, once I get close with someone, I start becoming keenly aware of every wobbly bit. I know that guys notice the dimpled cellulite thighs or flabby upper arms. Maybe we don't even have to get to a point of sexual intimacy before they start seeing me as a fat girl instead of someone they like. And in those vulnerable moments, I keep thinking I'd rather be alone than be with someone who feels he's settling for me (and I don't just mean physically).

I find myself avoiding getting close with people, as a defense mechanism against a future bruised ego or broken heart. If a guy seems to like me, I tell myself that it can't possibly be true, that I'm just misinterpreting friendship. If he outright tells me he likes me, I tell myself he's just looking to sleep with me because he thinks it will be easy. And so on. It's a horrible attitude and probably extremely unkind to these guys, but this is the particular flavor of sabotage I've been offering lately.

I ask myself, "Don't you want to have a boyfriend?" and the honest answer is "No, not right now."

As much as I miss being in a relationship with someone I love, and as much as I enjoy sex and physical intimacy, I don't want to be with someone while I'm this overweight. I don't want anyone lovingly putting their arms around me as I recoil because I don't want them to feel my fat rolls (this happened recently). I don't want to be paranoid about sleeping next to someone because I'm afraid my neck, arms, and entire upper body will look disastrously fat in the morning light. I don't want to avoid all sexual contact because I so dread the mortification of stripping off gigantic granny panties and seeing that face of "Oh, I thought maybe you'd have a better body."

Avoidance is not the solution to this already farcical scenario, but if vanity or pride will provoke me to do the right things regarding diet and exercise, then I should go with it and use them to my favor.

In a few months I may have the opportunity to date the guy who I consider the love of my life (it's a long, long story), and I don't want to go into it self-conscious and chubby. I want to look and feel great, the picture of health, if not for him, then for me, so that I can pay attention to my heart instead of my waistline.