New Plan, Day Five

I slept until about 9 this morning, but I didn't sleep well because I was worried about a family member having surgery today. I spent the morning sipping Coke Cherry Zero and fretting, puttering around doing this and that but nothing really worthwhile.

"Breakfast," 1:30pm

• 1/2 green pepper and 1 egg cooked with fresh black pepper, salt, and red pepper in 1 TBSP olive oil
• 7 reduced fat Triscuits
• 1/4 papaya, sliced, with lime juice
• 24 oz. water
• 12 oz. Coke Cherry Zero (not pictured)

It was silly to wait so long to eat breakfast, as my appetite had kind of dwindled by the time I did. I have been savoring meals lately, and this time I was just kind of "meh" about it. I'm not discouraged about dieting - I'm still loving it actually - I think I'm just in a general malaise from worrying and procrastinating school and work stuff.

Lunch, 4:30pm

• bowl of tomato soup with basil, salt, fresh black pepper, and pecorino Romano
• a few horrible bites of radicchio with balsamic vinegar
• 24 oz. water (not pictured)
• 24 oz. Diet Coke (not pictured)

The soup was fantastic, as usual, but the radicchio was just inedibly gross. A friend of mine grilled some when we were in Italy and drizzled it in balsamic, proclaiming it a heavenly flavor. I wasn't able to recreate that and came up instead with unevenly warm, powerfully bitter dreck that couldn't even be saved by some really tasty balsamic. Blech.

Dinner, 9pm

• leftover chicken with vegetables
• 9 asparagus spears (not pictured)
• 24 oz. water (not pictured)
• 12 oz. Diet Coke (not pictured

I was in a foul mood (I have been really on edge and irritable all day today), and I got annoyed when my mother pawned off her turn at cooking dinner onto my father, who prepared an undercooked hunk of beef and leftover orzo that was about to turn. We bought a special asparagus steamer last week, but somehow he even managed to make that weird - I think he left it on the stove steaming after they served themselves from it, as the bottom halves of the spears resembled his overcooked mushy broccoli. As I pondered the mysteries of a man who can so consistently undercook meats and overcook vegetables, at the same time, I decided I would have leftovers instead.

This was not bad without rice, but probably would have been better with it. I can't say I really enjoyed this meal, since things were a little terse with my parents through it, but at least it was full of vegetables and satisfying.

Snack, 10:30pm

• Yoplait Light fat free yogurt, Red velvet cake flavor
• Yoplait Light Thick n' Creamy, cinnamon bun flavor

I was overjoyed to realize I hadn't had any dairy yet today, so I indulged in two tasty yogurts. I really love these dessert flavors - they're so much more interesting than fruit-flavored yogurts, and the thick kind is such a treat.

Summary

I only reached 6 glasses of water, as I fell asleep before finishing my third bottleful. I was in a junky mood all day, which I think is more stress and hormone-related than anything else, will have to work on keeping that under control.

New Plan, Day Four

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I fell asleep downstairs until 6am, so my sleep was not what it should have been. I moved up to my bed and slept until 8am, but I was in a bad mood because I needed to drive a lot and deal with some stressful stuff at work.

Breakfast, 9am

• ham and cheese on a light whole grain English muffin
• cubed cantaloupe
• 48 oz. water
• 12 oz. Diet Coke

I was right that ham and cheese would be even better on the muffin - it crisped up nicely and felt more "breakfasty". I was pleased with myself for chugging so much water, and right after drinking one bottleful, I had a second, so that I was six glasses in before I'd even gotten in the shower.

I then drank another 24 oz. of water in my car while driving, such that I'd had 9 glasses before lunch. My smugness over this fact was dampened by just how desperately I needed to pee by the time I got to campus. There was more than an hour extra of traffic, and in the last 45 min or so, I was certain I was going to wet my pants. That was super uncomfortable, and I cursed myself for drinking so damn much water so fast. I think I need to spread it out a little more carefully throughout the day.

Lunch, 1pm

• steamed vegetable dumplings with soy-ginger dipping sauce (not pictured)
• 12 oz. water

I was an hour late to my lunch meeting, thanks to traffic, and I was anxious about eating at a Thai place because I love Thai food so much, but it's not always the healthiest (at least not what I like). Fortunately, these dumplings were delicious and satisfying, and by ordering the veggie kind, I was pretty sure they were light enough on fat that they wouldn't blow my diet. I explained to my coworkers/friends that I am dieting again, hence the relatively small appetizer for lunch, and they just shrugged. I guess I talk about wanting to lose weight and get healthier pretty frequently, and prior to formally dieting again, I had been trying to make smarter choices all year.

I had to laugh about drinking more water, but I thought that a soda, with caffeine, would make matters even worse, and the water was free.

I spent the rest of the afternoon stressing about work/school stuff and stopping to pee what felt like every 20 minutes. The drive home was also traffic-heavy (argh), so I had another close call between the driveway and our house. I hate that antsy feeling of constantly having to pee, but I hope my body will get over that as it becomes accustomed to so much more water.

Dinner, 9pm

• chicken quesadilla made with chicken breast and reduced fat Cheddar cheese in a whole grain tortilla
• homemade guacamole
• 24 or more oz. Diet Coke (not pictured)

When I planned the menu for this week, I scheduled it so that I would cook the first three meals, and my mom would take over from Thursday forward. I was trying to make it pleasant for everyone, by giving my parents a break on meals and getting us all warmed up to the concept of eating healthier with way more vegetables.

Tonight my mother took over, and I was happy for that, as she makes fantastic quesadillas and arguably the world's best homemade guacamole. This meal felt like a treat, even though she made it within the diet guidelines, and we were all happy to have one of our favorites.

Late-night Snack, 2am

• 2 caramel popcorn cakes with Smart Balance peanut butter
• 12 oz. Coke Cherry Zero

Once again, I fell asleep in a chair after dinner (watching Planet Earth with my dad, who was snoring beside me), but this time I woke up early enough to move up to my bed for something more closely resembling a proper night's sleep. I was really hungry, which was weird (probably not enough vegetables), and desperately craving sweets. I didn't want to go over on my milks with a yogurt, and I rationalized that the dietary fiber in these popcorn cakes probably made them an okay bread, though it did put me well over my breads for the day. The peanut butter was so good I didn't care that I'd probably used my fats with guacamole, and I resolved to have much more vegetables and take it easy tomorrow.

Summary

Today was mostly a success, in that I drank even more than my 8 glasses of water (I think I totaled 10 glasses), but I'm going to have to spread them out better so I don't walk around worrying about peeing myself all day. I could have done better on vegetables and had less bread, but I think the choices I'm making are still pretty sensible and realistic for lifestyle changes.

New Plan, Day Three

I slept in until 8, which felt downright luxurious. It was a cold, rainy and occasionally snowy morning, so it was good to face it well-rested and feeling good.

Breakfast, 10:30am

• ham and cheese on a whole wheat roll
• cubed cantaloupe
• 24 oz. water

Because I was cold and put off by the weather, I really wanted a hot breakfast, and I realized that if I prepared this sandwich open-faced and heated it under the broiler, it would fit the bill perfectly. I might have swapped the whole grain roll for one of the light multigrain English muffins we got - will keep that in mind for future.

I Googled the serving size for cantaloupe and have come up with around 1 cup, which in this instance turned out to be about 1/4 of this cantaloupe. I need to make a list or chart of the portion sizes for these things, but I think overdoing on fruit is a lot less harmful than, say, accidentally eating a cupcake.

I'm very pleased with drinking so much water. A friend of mine happened to post a link to this page about water on Twitter, and it had many tips for making yourself drink more, as well as some interesting things to think about (though I really wish the author had used more paragraph breaks and some reference citations). I dug my Camelback bottle out of my swimming bag and have been toting that around - it's easy to suck down a few sips here and there and find suddenly the bottle is near empty.

I do think I'm going to make it a plan to drink an extra 2-3 glasses of water as well, totaling 10-12 8-oz. glasses per day. If I aim for 12, that's 4 refills of my bottle, which I think I can work my way up to.

Midday

• 24 oz. water

Lunch, 2:30pm

• flatbread pizza made with tomato sauce, part-skim mozzarella, broccoli and mushrooms
• bowl of tomato soup with herbs and sprinkle of pecorino Romano cheese
• 12 oz. Diet Coke

I was so enamored with yesterday's pizza that I made them again for my mother and me. We both really enjoyed this, and I think the success of it comes from flavoring the sauce, as well as crisping the pita in the broiler so it feels like a very satisfying crust.

I decided, while eating my soup, that hot tomato is probably my favorite savory flavor, and I am absolutely in love with tomato soup.

Dinner, 8pm

• turkey tostada, made with lean ground turkey cooked with onions and garlic, with mushrooms in salsa, served on a whole grain tortilla with reduced fat Cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, pickled jalapeños, sliced avocado, and fresh cilantro
• Diet Coke (not pictured)

This meal was absolutely delicious, and both of my parents seemed to really enjoy it. My father complimented me on my cooking this week, saying he was pleasantly surprised at such nutritious, colorful, flavorful, "refreshing" meals and that he looked forward to more of this type. I felt very much the same, and we all agreed that it feels great to eat right.

Using my fats in the avocado is a nice move, I think, since I enjoy it so much more than I would a pat of butter or a glob of dressing. I'm also in love with jalapeños and fresh cilantro, as well as turkey perked up with salsa.

Summary

I meant to have another serving of fruit and some more vegetables, as well as the rest of my water, but I fell asleep in a chair downstairs (I've been doing this a lot lately) and didn't wake up until 6am, at which point it seemed silly. I really need to work on making the actual decision to go to bed, rather than fall asleep wherever I plunk down.

Apart from being short on water, I think today was a pretty good day.

New Plan, Day Two

I woke up at 5am after falling asleep around midnight, downstairs with my computer in my lap. Not the best night's sleep, but I'll address that another time.

Breakfast, 6:45am

• 1.5 oz ham and 1 oz. American cheese on a whole wheat sandwich roll
• 1 orange
• 16 oz. water

I love this breakfast - it's good to start the day with protein. While eating, I talked with my dad about a bunch of things and eased into the morning.

Exercise, 8am

Walked 1.97 miles with my parents and the dogs. Pedometer read 5082 steps, 679 of which were at a moderate pace (6 min), for approximately 188 calories burned. Not fantastic, but it was nice to spend time with my folks and get outside in the morning.

Mid-Morning Snack, 10am

• can of tomato soup with salt, pepper, basil, and a sprinkle of pecorino Romano cheese
• fresh herb salad with 2 TBSP Light Creamy Caesar dressing

I was vaguely procrastinating some work I needed to get done for an afternoon meeting, and I kept convincing myself I was hungry so that I could rationalize taking a break. I realize I do this a lot, using food or eating as a means to avoid doing what I'm supposed to, but in this instance it was a delicious and welcome diversion.

The tomato soup was absolute perfection - I think hot tomato is my favorite flavor. The salad was also extraordinary - I actually measured out the dressing to make sure I was using an appropriate amount to count it as one of my fats. Such a treat.

Lunch, 1:45pm

• flatbread pizza made with tomato sauce, part-skim mozzarella, broccoli and mushrooms on a pita
• 24 oz. Diet Coke (not pictured

I was running late, and ordinarily in those circumstances my plan would be to grab Burger King to eat while driving, which is obviously out of the question. I was going back and forth on what to do, wondering if I really had time to prepare pizzas for myself and my mother, but I decided that rather than waste time hemming and hawing, I should just cook the silly things.

This was absolutely phenomenal, and both my mom and I agreed that we enjoyed it more than anything we've had for lunch in weeks. I think a lot of the success came in flavoring the tomato sauce with basil, oregano, garlic powder, fresh black pepper, salt, and a tiny sprinkle of nutmeg. I then assembled the rest of the ingredients and put it under the broiler until the vegetables were cooked and the cheese was slightly browned. This crisped the pita into a very satisfying crust, making for one tasty little pizza. After eating this, I spent about 6 hours driving to Brooklyn and back for this meeting, and I wasn't hungry the whole time - I was actually in a spectacular mood and feeling very energetic. Score for the flatbread pizza!

More "Exercise," 4-5pm

I don't really think it counts as exercise, but I wore my pedometer for the rest of the afternoon and kept track of how much I walked from my car to my meeting, around campus etc. It was an additional 2731 steps, 1391 and 12 min. of which were at a moderate pace, for an additional 1.1 miles and approximately 94 calories.

This brought my day's totals to 3.07 miles or 7813 steps, 2070 and 18 min of which were at a moderate pace, for approximately 282 calories burned. It's not great, but it's not nothing.

Dinner, 9pm

• chicken breast cooked with onions, garlic, Crimini mushrooms, sliced zucchini, broccoli florets, sliced red pepper, eggplant, and stewed tomatoes, with herbs and spices
• approximately 1 cup white rice

My parents were antsy for me to cook dinner when I got home, but I was in the middle of video chatting with a friend (aforementioned massive crush), so I had to rush preparing it once I got to it. This sort of resembles the meal I prepared most frequently when I lived in Italy, based on finding the best-looking produce and cooking it all together with olive oil in tomato sauce or more often fresh tomatoes, either with or without added meat. The difference, of course, between cooking for one and cooking for three, meant that it was much more time consuming to chop down and cook all the vegetables, and I needed to move everything from a large skillet into a cast-iron pan so it would all fit.

Nevertheless, the flavor was bang-on, I suspect from letting the vegetables and chicken simmer together in the liquid from the stewed tomatoes, as well as generous spicing. My parents both seemed surprised that a bowl of mostly vegetables over rice could have so much flavor, and we all agreed that this was a great way to get more fresh vegetables into our diet.

Something I have observed, in the past few meals, is the immense difference that cooking with fresh vegetables makes. I am accustomed to always using fresh, having lived down the street from a grocery and produce stand for five years in Brooklyn, as well as only buying and cooking with fresh vegetables in Italy. My parents, by contrast, would usually microwave or boil frozen vegetables when preparing meals, and I think that is part of why they're happy to omit them regularly, or at the very least, rarely enjoy them. Lately they've been observing just how flavorful they are and commenting on the exciting textures and such, which gives me hope that they will continue coming over to the fresh side more often.

Summary

I had planned on having a yogurt and almonds for a snack, but I fell asleep before I got around to it. I think it's alright, since I probably had more than one serving of cheese on my lunchtime pizza. I was also planning to have my second fruit after dinner, but I had more than enough vegetables to have compensated for that.

The only area where I'm disappointed with myself is that I was woefully under on my waters again. My mother has taken to carrying around her 24oz. refillable water bottle to sip on water throughout the day, and I'm thinking I should probably do the same, since I am so much more likely to grab a can or glass of soda than get a glass of water. Otherwise today was a very nice day, and I felt cheerful and energetic throughout. It's nice to feel such immediate benefits from eating right!

Weigh-In, Week One

182. Not actually as bad as I thought it would be. Current BMI is 30.3, which is obese. Not great.

If I keep my goal weight at 120 pounds, I then have 62 pounds to lose. If I lost on average 2 pounds a week (which would be generous), that's 31 weeks, or just under 8 months. Of course, 3-4 months in, I'll already be looking a lot better and the weight loss will be noticeable, so I've got that to look forward to this spring and summer.

I'll start charting my weight again, once I have more than one data point, and perhaps at some point soon I'll take my measurements again so I can see what kind of obese I am.

New Plan, Day One

I started my day waking up at 5:45 without setting an alarm. I went to sleep pretty early last night, and my parents' dog was barking, but it still surprised me. It would be very pleasant to be able to feel awake that early every day.

Breakfast, 7am

• "peppers and eggs" made with half a large green pepper and 1 egg cooked in 1 tsp. olive oil, with salt, pepper, and a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese
• 7 Reduced Fat Triscuits
• 1 orange
• 16 oz. water

This was a tasty meal which used to be one of my favorites on eDiets. As a rule, I don't like eggs, and if you asked me lately, I'd say I just don't eat them, but when combined with cooked peppers and scooped onto Triscuits, the egginess is not so bad.

I took my time cooking and eating this meal, spreading it out while I wrote my last post and did some computer stuff for work. I think savoring food makes me less aware that I'm on a "diet," so much as that I'm taking the time to eat right. I like that mind-set.

Lunch, 4:30pm

• 2 oz. turkey breast and 1 oz. American cheese with mustard and lettuce in a whole grain wrap
• 16 oz. Diet Coke
• 1/2 a can of tomato soup with fresh black pepper, salt, basil, and a sprinkle of Parmesan

I know it's a horrible photo, but it was a good sandwich. I love the flavor of these whole wheat grain wraps, but they break easily and fall apart while handling. I absolutely love tomato soup, so this was a wonderful treat. I had planned on eating a big salad or some roasted vegetables with this, but soup sounded so much easier and tastier and, most of all, warmer.

Dinner, 8pm

• tacos made with ground beef cooked in spices, Reduced Fat sharp Cheddar cheese, salsa, sliced avocado, lettuce, tomato, pickled jalapeños, and fresh cilantro
• 16 oz. Diet Coke (not pictured)

Part of the challenge of every diet I've been on for the past few years has been making it amenable to the people I live with. To this end, I spent time this weekend planning out dinners that both my father and mother would also like, and this is not an easy task, since in addition to being a very dinner-centric family, my dad's idea of a good meal is a huge hunk of meat with a pile of starch. He regularly criticizes my cooking for "cutting the meat into tiny little pieces" (i.e. bite-size) because he finds it unsatisfying if he can't take a huge bite of meat.

I was therefore really surprised that both parents seemed to really like this meal. I think my mom was happy that I made a menu for the week where she doesn't have to cook until Thursday. I suspect that my dad ate several scoops of taco meat by itself before preparing his tacos (whatever, he's not on the diet), and my mom still felt hungry after eating hers, so she rationalized that she was "light on protein" for the day and made a taco salad too.

As for me, I was really happy and perfectly satisfied, since I love this meal (it was my favorite from the Glycemic Impact plan on eDiets). I worked it in by using the avocado as one of my fats, which gives it a really rich and satisfying, fresh taste. I'm also crazy about the pickled jalapeños and fresh cilantro - it elevates it from "diet food" to something delicious I love to eat. I will definitely be making these again soon.

Snack, 11:30pm

• Yoplait Light Thick & Creamy, blueberry pie flavor yogurt (not pictured) with 1 tbsp wheat germ

Yoplait makes these phenomenal dessert-flavored yogurts, and this was a new one for me. The thick and creamy variety is especially satisfying, but it was tricky to stir the wheat germ in, not a big deal. I counted this as a milk, then realized I'd had cheese with my sandwich as well as a bit of cheese on my tacos (not a full serving, I think, though). I think it'll be alright.

Summary

I did well today, in that I wasn't hungry and stuck to the plan. I didn't drink nearly enough water - actually I only had a shameful two glasses - so I know I need to work on that. I probably could have eaten one or two additional servings of vegetables, as I'd intended, but I did get at least 3 servings. I just realized I forgot my second fruit though.

Still, for the first day, I tried hard, and I feel like dinner was a big success for my family. Tomorrow morning I'll weigh in to get a baseline, so I can see what this does from there.

A new plan

I'm not sure if I've mentioned that after my boyfriend and I broke up, I moved back into my parents' house and have been living here the past year and a half while I finish my master's degrees. This has been really good for me in some ways, but tremendously awful in others. For one thing, the way we arrange meals is a mess, and we eat woefully unhealthy foods in an unbalanced way. We're all overweight and/or obese, and it's alarming that we all seem to be getting fatter.

My mother and I talked it over and agreed that we were going to start a new diet this weekend. She had initially wanted to try Atkins, to get an initial fast jump on weight loss, but when I said I just couldn't do that, she agreed to try a different approach that cobbles together her memories of the Weight Watchers plan, as well as my experience with various plans from eDiets.



This approach basically categorizes foods into milks, breads, proteins, vegetables, fruit, and fats, with room for some optional extra calories and personal selections spread over the week. Each day allows for:

• 2 milks
• minimally 3 servings of vegetables
• 3 fats
• 5 proteins
• 2 fruits
• 3 breads

The optional extras and personal selections should add up to 700 calories or less for the week (I still honestly can't figure out the difference between the two), and there is a daily minimum of 8 glasses of water. My mother printed out the chart pictured above, and then we spent a while bickering about what constitutes a serving of protein (because I know that 1 oz. of lean chicken is very different than 1 oz. of ground beef or say, salami). I guess I'll work out the details as we go.

In addition to losing weight and improving my nutrition and sleep, I have some other goals with this change.

First, I'm very concerned with my digestive health. A few years ago I was hospitalized with a very gross infection that they felt was exacerbated by anxiety. I was cautioned that I could develop a permanent condition like irritable bowel syndrome or colitis, and without getting into too much detail, let's say that our current diet of fatty meat and starches is bringing about a return of worrying symptoms (this is part of why I just couldn't do Atkins again). I've made an effort, in planning my meals, to include a lot of whole grains and vegetables, and I've also started taking fiber supplements again. This time it's Fiber Choice plus Antioxidants, a really delicious pomegranate and berry flavored chewable supplement. These are like candy to me, so I have no problem taking them, which is a nice change from those fiber capsules that used to feel stuck in my throat all day.

Second, I want to make cosmetic improvements to my skin and hair. I have naturally very fine hair, and at times depending on my diet and stress levels, it has seemed to be much thinner than I'd like. When I was with my ex, it hit an all-time thin, and I started really worrying that I would need Rogaine or something. I've found that getting my stress under control has helped a lot, and I read that wheat protein is a great way to stimulate hair re-growth. I'm planning to use some of my optional extras to stir in spoonfuls of wheat germ here and there, which is also high in dietary fiber, so double bonus.

For my skin, I'm going to concentrate on balanced nutrition (especially getting enough protein and healthy fats) and drinking enough water. I have a terrible habit of drinking Diet Coke or Diet Dr Pepper by the gallon, but almost never drink water. Replacing soda with more water will probably help with getting on a healthier sleep schedule (eliminating excessive caffeine), make it that I don't have to worry about burning out my kidneys, and generally provide all the expected health benefits of water.

Lastly, I want to develop the discipline that comes with a healthier lifestyle. I have some really ambitious educational and career goals (I'm planning a second bachelor's and PhD as soon as I finish my master's), some big life changes coming up (moving back to the city for the next degrees), and a lot of personal reasons for why I need to develop strong willpower and discipline. I think being in school as long as I have has made me accustomed to making excuses and shifting priorities to suit my whims, when in reality, I just need to change the way I live.

Reintroducing regular exercise into my life will have innumerable benefits, both health-wise and psychologically, and controlling my diet will help me feel capable of addressing the other issues in my life where I desperately need more rigor and efficiency.

Predictably, I forgot to weigh myself before starting this diet. As I recall, the last time I weighed myself I was about 185, creeping up toward 190 again (gaaah). I'll try to remember to weigh myself tomorrow for a baseline, and then I'll decide if I want Saturdays or Sundays to become my weekly weigh-in day.

I'm also going to keep track of my meals on this blog again, and try to take photos as much as possible. In going back through my archives looking for meal ideas, it was both inspiring and incredibly helpful to see what worked and what didn't, and if I essentially document everything I eat, I'm not likely to sneak in something awful. This is part of the control aspect, which I know could pretty easily become pathological for me, but if it works, it works, and I'm going to give it my best.

Love My Pedometer

Just before my 26th birthday, I bought myself a pedometer.



I got one that clips to my hip and records both regular strides and those at a moderate pace, which would be aerobically effective. Based on my height and weight, it records distance, the amount of minutes I spend walking at a moderate pace, and an approximation of calories burned. It stores seven days' worth of data, so I can track my progress throughout the week.

I really love this thing, and I try to wear it every day (which probably accounts for how scratched it is). It's great for pushing myself to make sure I'm walking at a moderate pace, and I get a certain sense of satisfaction knowing I've walked, for example, two miles that day. When I wear it, I find myself consciously walking faster to try to score more "moderate" steps, and occasionally I will take the long way to try to round up to a higher number. Brilliant.



Today I went running, a little more than 3 miles and walking another half mile or so. I wasn't breaking any land-speed records, but at least I know that I had a solid 46 minutes at some kind of moderate pace that should have been aerobically effective, and based on that, I should have burned approximately 374 calories.



(That's probably half of the slice of cake I had for dessert last night, but it's a start.)

The other useful information the pedometer gives me is when I'm not walking as much as I think I am. I think it's very easy, when living or working in a city, to leave the house and come home exhausted, with aching feet and a sore back, and assume I've walked miles. "Must have been 20,000 steps or more," I think, and then look at the pedometer to realize I barely scraped 6000.

The general guidelines I've read are 10,000 steps a day for good health, or at least a half hour to 45 min of walking at a moderate pace. It turns out that 10,000 steps is about 3 miles walking, give or take, for me. I want to cringe when I realize I used to run 3.1 miles in 25-min cross-country races in high school and considered them really easy. Our standard practice run was around 5 miles a day, and at a decent pace too. Given, if I were still in that condition, it would preclude the necessity of this entire blog.

I think a pedometer is a really good addition to any health and fitness plan. I like the hip variety because I can usually hide it under my clothes, and in a pinch I can put it in my coat pocket or purse. There are all kinds of inexpensive ones all over the internet, including ones with heart rate monitors, bluetooth connections to your computer, fitness-tracking software etc. I look forward to making greater use of mine.

Right for all the wrong reasons

I may or may not have forgotten that this blog existed until I got an email notification of a comment prompting me to write again (thank you!).

"Oh right, I have a health and fitness blog," I thought, "I should probably write an update."

And realizing that I didn't have much to say, having traded diet and fitness once again for school and stress (and travel), I thought, "Well I guess I should get back to work on my health!"

I have a problematic thought process regarding my weight and health, as the motivations rarely stem from living a better quality of life or feeling better... it's usually more like I see a photo of myself and look fatter than I expected to, so I decide I must exercise. A potential romantic situation peters out, and I immediately correlate lower abdominal fat or a softness around the chin with my value and desirability as a human being.

He must not have loved me because I'm so fat.

As much as I know that my behavior (and neuroses) are much more to blame than extra poundage, I do realize that people are physical, vision-based biological organisms, and a lot of sexual attraction does stem from visual cues.

I'm not lacking in attention from men. Walking through the train station or in the city, they are frequently turning and checking me out, often smiling or making eyes. Guys strike up conversations with me everywhere, and when I go out with friends, I can pretty much count on at least mild flirtation. This is to say I know my first impression is not of a huge fat beast, and I realize that dressing stylishly and carrying oneself confidently goes miles.

The thing is, once I get close with someone, I start becoming keenly aware of every wobbly bit. I know that guys notice the dimpled cellulite thighs or flabby upper arms. Maybe we don't even have to get to a point of sexual intimacy before they start seeing me as a fat girl instead of someone they like. And in those vulnerable moments, I keep thinking I'd rather be alone than be with someone who feels he's settling for me (and I don't just mean physically).

I find myself avoiding getting close with people, as a defense mechanism against a future bruised ego or broken heart. If a guy seems to like me, I tell myself that it can't possibly be true, that I'm just misinterpreting friendship. If he outright tells me he likes me, I tell myself he's just looking to sleep with me because he thinks it will be easy. And so on. It's a horrible attitude and probably extremely unkind to these guys, but this is the particular flavor of sabotage I've been offering lately.

I ask myself, "Don't you want to have a boyfriend?" and the honest answer is "No, not right now."

As much as I miss being in a relationship with someone I love, and as much as I enjoy sex and physical intimacy, I don't want to be with someone while I'm this overweight. I don't want anyone lovingly putting their arms around me as I recoil because I don't want them to feel my fat rolls (this happened recently). I don't want to be paranoid about sleeping next to someone because I'm afraid my neck, arms, and entire upper body will look disastrously fat in the morning light. I don't want to avoid all sexual contact because I so dread the mortification of stripping off gigantic granny panties and seeing that face of "Oh, I thought maybe you'd have a better body."

Avoidance is not the solution to this already farcical scenario, but if vanity or pride will provoke me to do the right things regarding diet and exercise, then I should go with it and use them to my favor.

In a few months I may have the opportunity to date the guy who I consider the love of my life (it's a long, long story), and I don't want to go into it self-conscious and chubby. I want to look and feel great, the picture of health, if not for him, then for me, so that I can pay attention to my heart instead of my waistline.

Body Fat

A very dear friend of mine is on the journey to fitness as well, and it's tremendously encouraging to talk with him about diet, exercise, successes, failures, and so on. He mentioned his goal of losing 15% body fat, and I said I had no idea how much body fat I needed to lose - I've just been doing it by numbers.

In my head, I think I should weigh about 120-130 pounds. That's what I weighed when I was "fit" (an athlete in high school), and that seems to be consistent with my BMI and healthy weight guidelines. I had no idea if it was actually possible to lose this much weight, seeing as I have never had my body fat properly measured, but I figured it had to be possible.

My friend sent me a link to a Home Body Fat Test, which involves a few key measurements on body points with a tape measure. It returns an estimate of your body fat percentage and lean muscle mass. My friend says his results were within 2% of what his trainer had calculated with calipers, so while I took my results with a grain of salt, I am not going to totally dismiss them. Especially since they surprised the heck out of me:

Your Results

You have 26.1% body fat.

You have 46.5 Pounds of fat and 131.5 Pounds of lean (muscle, bone, body water).

I checked a linked chart of "healthy amounts of body fat," and I'm not too terribly far off from the healthy-normal range.

Of course, this test didn't consider my height at all, or my build. It didn't measure the fattest part of my upper arms or take the size of my breasts into consideration. It's possible that my numbers are totally skewed and that all my fat is lumped into places the test can't see.

Then again, it seems about right. If I have roughly 50 pounds of fat to lose, then I'll get close to the weight I was when I at at my fittest. If that is the size my body wants to be, then it's good to know it's possible to lose the weight through losing fat, rather than if I were just built really bulky and had no way of losing weight without cutting into actual structure.

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm encouraged. Fitness is totally within my grasp.