Day Four

Today was a bit tougher - I was rushed when I was making breakfast and preparing my snack and lamenting that I couldn't just shove something fatty in my mouth. I had a terrible headache and was horribly hungry when I got home from class - I ended up wolfing down some graham crackers. Oh well.

Breakfast

• ham & cheese sandwich with yellow mustard
• skim milk (not pictured)
• green grapes

Good, but hurried. I mostly had to shove it in my face as I showered, which is obviously not the most ideal circumstance for enjoying breakfast. It was still tasty, though, and a nice filling meal which lasted me most of the day.

Snack

• half peanut butter sandwich

I made this while I was preparing breakfast and tucked it into my satchel to have between classes, which worked out pretty well. I have to figure out which meals would be more portable, as I was really hungry for lunch by the time I ate this. It's a bit odd - I chose a combination convenience and recipe-based meal plan, but it seems most of the "convenience" meals involve microwaving something frozen. While this is certainly more convenient than cutting up and sautéeing fresh ingredients, it's still not exactly portable.

Lunch

• veggie burger with barbecue sauce on a whole wheat bun
• fresh herb salad and diced cucumber with lite creamy Parmesan dressing
• sliced kiwi
• skim milk

As my milk glass would indicate, we're overdue on washing the dishes. I really enjoy this meal and would like to get a bulk package of veggie burgers (I know Costco carries fantastic portabello mushroom and garlic ones) so that I can always have this as a stand-by.

I'm also really enjoying this salad - I bought a package of it thinking it would be bitter mesclun greens (which are merely decent), and instead I've found it to be fresh, flavorful, and unexpectedly bright flavors in a great variety. I will look for this type of greens from now on.

Dinner

• Asian beef stir-fry with broccoli and yellow pepper in teriyaki sauce, over white rice
• fresh herb salad with lite creamy Parmesan dressing
• sliced kiwi

This was a tasty meal, if a bit preparation-heavy. There was so little rice (2 tbsp uncooked) that I almost thought it wasn't worth lugging out the rice-cooker for it.

Then again, I'm sure I'm conditioned to out-of-control portions of rice if one goes by take-out standards, so I should probably quit my griping. When I lived with my parents, they would usually make a full pot of rice in the beginning of the week and we would scoop it out during the weeknights. Since so many of these meals call for pasta and rice, maybe this is not a bad idea - I don't mind reheating it.

The recipe for this dish called for snow peas in the stir-fry. I couldn't find any (fresh or frozen) at the grocery, then it occurred to me that I had a bag of broccoli florets rapidly approaching its freshness expiration date in the fridge, so I used those. I cooked them with the floret end down in the teriyaki sauce so they would soften - I like mushy beef and broccoli - and this also intensified the teriyaki flavor. Quite nice.

Day Three

Getting off to a good start today...

Exercise (at last!)

• 35 min on the exercise bike

It's about time. I know I always say oh I have to get to the gym, but we have this machine taking up space in the office all the time, and it's a lot easier to hop on there than drive a half hour both ways to use the bike at the gym. Of course, I was still in my pajamas and concentrating more on my reading than getting a good workout, so I could more accurately describe this session as "dogging it," but at least it's a start.

When I finished, I drank two big glasses of water, so I've got that going today too.

Breakfast

• ham & cheese on whole wheat bread with a dollop of yellow mustard
• skim milk
• prunes

I guess I really like ham sandwiches in the mornings. Or anytime really. It's hard to go wrong with something I enjoy so much. The prunes are very sticky and perhaps overly sweet, but I do like them very much (I may be the only non-geriatric New Yorker to feel this way about prunes).

I went back to the grocery to get items for two more meals. Now I know I get a lot out of these ingredients - it's really several meals' worth, and in the case of peanut butter and graham crackers, days and days of snacks - but it's still pretty painful on the wallet to shell out $100 for three days' eating. (click to enlarge)



I just have to remember this is an investment in my health. No amount of 4-for-$1 hamburgers can provide good health.

I think that cost is a pretty big deterrent in a lot of diets, and the allure of value in the grocery sometimes overpowers one's will to eat well. To that end, I want to keep track of how much I actually spend on food and ingredients to see if I can't find smarter ways to stretch my dollar while still buying healthy, tasty foods. I have a feeling that when I am ready to start a family, this experience will be very useful.

Lunch

• ham & cheese on 7-grain bread with low-fat mayonnaise
• mixed greens salad with yellow pepper, cucumber, tomato & fat-free Italian dressing
• green grapes

This was a truly spectacular lunch. I'm really into ham and cheese sandwiches lately. I was thrilled with the salad, the sandwich was perfect, and the grapes were unbelievable. I had four more glasses of water as well, so I'm feeling downright healthy.

Snack

• graham crackers with Smart Balance chunky peanut butter

It's a bit harder to control the quantities with chunky peanut butter, but it's still pretty tasty. Something about eating graham crackers reminds me very much of preschool or kindergarten, but I guess I'm okay with that - they really make a fabulous snack.

Dinner

• beef tacos with salsa, pickled jalapeños & chopped fresh cilantro
• steamed baby carrots
• fresh herb salad with low-fat creamy Parmesan dressing
• green grapes

I was planning to prepare something else for dinner, but I had leftover taco meat and my boyfriend was out with friends, so I made these instead. They were, predictably, fantastic, and I have a feeling I'll be preparing these often.

I messed up the carrots some, microwaving them instead of steaming them the way I was supposed to, but they were still decent. The salad was fantastic.

I also had two more big glasses of water with dinner, bringing the day's total to eight. Hmm. Today I followed my diet, exercised, and drank plenty of water. Wow. Feels pretty good.

Day Two

After last night's taco fiesta, I'm going to try to stick to the diet, as well as get in a good workout to minimize the damage (or maximize my results, however one chooses to see it).

Breakfast

• Total raisin bran with skim milk & almonds
• low-fat cottage cheese
• half pink grapefruit with 1/2 packet Sugar Twin

When I think about "diet food," grapefruit and cottage cheese factor high up on my list. For someone as reluctant to eat healthfully as I am, it is surprising that I've been absolutely craving both of them lately - maybe my body's desperate SOS from the sea of fat and poor health.

Not surprisingly, they were delicious, and this was a lovely Saturday morning meal. It's a strange pleasure to eat a grapefruit at a leisurely pace while considering the day ahead.

Snack

• reduced fat Triscuits
• baby carrots
• "Supremely Spicy" hummus

One of my favorite snacks from this diet was the good old Triscuits and hummus, always a satisfying treat. My grocery started carrying a different brand of hummus, so in place of the jalapeño I'd come to love, I thought I'd give this kind a try, and I was definitely pleased. The packaging was amusing - it was a typical tub of hummus, with red pepper and spices in a dollop at the center. I stirred it all up to get a consistent blend, and it noticeably improved the plain hummus flavor.

I also really enjoyed the carrots, which were quite fresh and snappy. My body must be really desperate for fresh fruits and vegetables because I am enjoying them like no one's business today.

Lunch

• beef tacos made with salsa, lettuce, tomatoes & chopped fresh cilantro (I added a few pickled jalapeños)
• baby carrots
• sliced kiwi

It may seem strange, but these tacos, made to follow the recipe, were actually... better than the gluttonous ones I'd prepared last night. The lack of cheese or beans or fatty sour cream did nothing to dampen the flavor - if anything, they were better-tasting because they weren't drowning in fats and starches. The natural freshness of the ingredients was much more apparent and enjoyable.

I have to really tip my hat to the simplicity of chopped fresh cilantro and the wonders it works for improving the taco experience - I never would have thought of it, and now I can't imagine Mexican food without it.

As for the jalapeños, they weren't part of the recipe, but I've been really craving spicy food lately. I did let my boyfriend take a huge bite of one of my tacos (to show him how much better they were), so maybe that off-set some of the added calories? Heh, I'm really good at feeble rationalizations.

All of the lettuce which was called for didn't fit in the taco shells, so I had it later along with the carrots. Usually I think of lettuce as a nice vehicle for dressing, but having it plain was quite enjoyable - crisp and refreshing. The carrots were also supposed to be steamed, but since I'd enjoyed fresh baby carrots so much with my snack, I decided to keep it all raw. It helped to cool some of the spice as well as provide a nice counter-point flavor-wise.

The kiwi was, as always, perfection.

Dinner

• Gardenburger with barbecue sauce on a whole wheat bun
• salad with low-fat creamy Parmesan dressing
• skim milk
• prunes

I had this meal for lunch yesterday and enjoyed it as much today as then.

I'm trying to make things easier on myself economically, so I'm thinking about foods that I can buy in multiples and meals that I can eat often. My boyfriend and I have been talking about going to Costco tomorrow to see if we can find some good deals on healthy food.

Today has been a good day - the only improvement would have been if I'd drank a lot more water (I drank none) and exercised. So I know what to do for tomorrow.

Weekly Weigh In

184.5. I've got a long journey ahead again.

(Also sorry about the blurry photo - I have to get used to this again.)

For those concerned, my BMI is 31.7, putting me in the Obese category. Lovely.

I've chosen to keep Saturdays as my weigh-in day, and I'll try to only do it once a week. Something that drove me crazy on NutriSystem was weighing myself every day, so it will be a relief this way. It also adds an element of suspense, which I always appreciate.

A New Beginning - Day One, Again

I've decided to start over at day 1. As of last night, I weighed 186.5, which I put into e-Diets as my starting weight when I chose a new meal plan.

For gastrointestinal reasons, I chose a high fiber plan which still maintains the healthy heart benefits (i.e. low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol) from my previous plan. Since my weight is so subject to fluctuation, I've decided I'll also track my measurements (one of my main concerns anyway) on a monthly basis to see if I'm going down size-wise at all.

So here are my starting points, in inches.

Neck:	14.5
Bust:	42
Waist:	35
Upper Arm:	13
Lower Arm:	10.5
Wrist:	6.5
Hips:	44
Upper Thigh:	26
Calf:	15.5
Ankle:	8.5

(If you could suggest any other good indicator sites, I'm all ears.)

Now, onto today's food.

Breakfast

• ham & cheese on whole wheat toast, smear of yellow mustard
• skim milk
• half pink grapefruit with 1/2 packet Sugar Twin

This was an extremely satisfying and delicious breakfast. I've been really craving grapefruit, and this one was particularly wonderful.

Lunch

• Gardenburger on whole wheat roll with barbecue sauce
• salad with light Parmesan dressing
• sliced kiwi
• skim milk

I'm glad that I looked back through this blog to remind myself of how good the lunches looked - as I was preparing this meal, I thought about how tasty it would be, but how I would never have prepared something like that were I not being mindful of the diet.

I really enjoyed the burger, and the kiwi was at some kind of magical ripeness that made it exquisite. I don't know what's going on with the grocery store on my corner, but now that they've gotten new management, they've really stepped up the quality and availability of their produce and fresh foods.

Dinner
(not pictured)

• beef tacos

I had the best of intentions when I picked up ingredients to make tacos in the morning, but we ended up having a friend over for dinner, so I had to modify them to make them pleasing to two big men.

I decided to indulge and so along with the called-for lettuce, tomato, salsa, and cilantro, I also enjoyed refried beans, shredded cheese, sour cream, and pickled jalapeños. Oh, and I ate a lot more than the diet called for.

I omitted the snack and decided to just enjoy myself, which could either be weakened resolve or taking a realistic view: this diet does have to fit into my life or it will never work. I'll just have to be more rigorous tomorrow.

At least I will be rich in health...

This morning I went to the grocery store to pick up a few items to start up my diet again. I forgot how expensive it is to eat right - jeez!



Then again, triple bypass surgery or diabetes medication would be much pricier down the line.

Long time, no see

A lot has gone on since the last time I posted. I got really busy with schoolwork and all the accompanying stress and anxiety I could handle, then I had a really dramatic health incident that resulted in hospitalization the week before Christmas.

Everything is fine now, but when I spoke with the emergency room doctor, he suggested I go on a rather bland, whole grain and sort of "real food" based diet until I was feeling completely better. In that time I discovered an intense love for bran muffins, and I had a lot of time to think about my health.

Over Christmas, I slugged around my parents' house and ate ridiculous amounts of rich, fatty food and sweets, which I imagine put back on most of the weight I'd lost up to that point (I've been afraid to weigh in). Despite promising myself I would calm down and focus on my health and well-being, I ate a bunch of junk and didn't exercise at all for the remainder of my winter break, then focused all my attention on the new semester at school.

Where I'm going with all this is that it's been almost a year since I resolved to significantly change my lifestyle, and I've made very little progress since then. I think now that I've got my schoolwork and schedule under control, it's time to focus on my health again, and I would like to use this blog to that effect once more.

Around New Year's I canceled my NutriSystem membership, but I still have E-Diets, so I will probably go back to that meal plan. The main emphasis, I feel, should probably be on exercise, since that was the critical lacking component of my last attempt. I know that I can't maintain a completely strict and obsessive adherence to a meal plan or workout routine without compromising my performance in school (sometimes I just have to grab something from the cafeteria in 10 minutes between classes or stay at the library until it closes), but I can at least try.

So, let's see how it goes.

Could it be... progress?

After months of hovering around 180, I think the diet is finally working somehow.

Last Monday after weeks of going off the diet, I weighed 180.5, and I promised myself I would seriously stick to the diet this week, that I wouldn't skip meals or half-ass or decide around Wednesday that it wasn't working and order Chinese.

Today I weighed in at 176.5, a new low. It also means I've lost 25.5 pounds since beginning this endeavor way back when. Not as much as I'd like, but hey, I'll take it.

Perhaps something finally clicked with my metabolism. Perhaps it's all that water. Perhaps it was simply sticking on the damn diet for once.

Whatever it is, I'll take it, and I'm encouraged to do more to feel this way again.

Excuses

I'm realizing lately how easy it is to make excuses for myself and how frequently I allow abominable behaviors on the flimsiest of justifications (rationalizations).

For the past week, I've had a really awful cold which may have developed into bronchitis. I gave myself instant permission not only to go off the diet completely, but to pig out to ridiculous extents. I haven't wanted to cook, of course, so I've been ordering in all kinds of awful meals and treating myself to cookies, ice cream, and whatever I want, mentally whining "But I don't feel well!"

I realize that what I really need to get better is a healthy diet, plenty of water, and exercise. I remember from sports training in high school (forever ago) that it's okay to exercise as long as congestion is in one's head, but it's important to take it easy when it's in the chest. Considering I bust into a burning, wheezing coughing fit if I run up stairs too quickly, I'd say odds of me making it through an aerobic workout right now are slim to none.

Still, I could be doing weight training or even just mild things like going for walks. Instead I've been lazing under the covers pouting and continuing on in a miserable state.

Being sick is one thing, and I am not being completely insane, in that I realize I truly do need to rest and take it easy until I'm better. The thing is, it's really given me the opportunity to reappraise how I spend my other, non-sick days. And those are the places where making excuses has become not only dangerous, but ridiculous.

Since this semester is already a pretty crazy busy and stressful one, I've concluded that I will not "get to the gym" if I don't specifically schedule times during the week to do so. I have plenty of times when I could squeeze in a workout or even a class, but I've avoided sitting down and creating a schedule for myself for over a month now. It seems I've always got something "more pressing" to attend to, be it schoolwork I've left to the last minute (which I do legitimately have to prioritize) or something incredibly important like napping, watching TV, reading a magazine, or knitting. My lack of focus and procrastination is clearly having a negative impact on my life and health, yet somehow I allow myself to use the fact that I'm behind on things or disorganized as an excuse to continue on this path and let it get worse.

Even I know how stupid and self-defeating this is.

So I took a look at my gym's group exercise plan. This is the new gym location that, incidentally, I've been to all of once since transferring my membership. My first responses to all of the classes were "Oooh that looks fun," but that was quickly preempted for "Oh I can't make that time or that one or the other," based on interference with classes. Instead of focusing on the times I can go (including Saturday and Sunday morning yoga & pilates classes), I realize I started making excuses for myself, saying it wouldn't really be that fun anyway and I'd probably be really self-conscious and embarrassed to work out in a group. The litany of excuses I started making to convince myself I didn't really want to go in the first place was absolutely absurd, and I'm ashamed of myself that I let such trivial things get in the way.

The worst part is that at the end of the day, once I've given myself permission to go off the diet, slack off on exercise, not drink water, or whatever else I don't want to do, it's not like I actually gain anything (except more weight). The result of all of these choices is that I will continue to be fat and unhealthy. Then I think about the ways this inhibits my life, wrecks my confidence, affects my relationships, and makes every day a little harder and more unpleasant than it needs to be, and I wonder how the hell anything could be worth all this nonsense. How is protecting my ego or succumbing to laziness ever going to feel as good as taking action and improving my life?

I've put off making a gym schedule some more by taking the time to beat myself up for making excuses. My excuse for this? "At least I'm becoming more aware of what I do..."

Argh, I really need to change things.

Frustration

So I've been on the Nutrisystem diet more than a month, and I've cheated more times than I think I ever did when I was on e-diets. I'm becoming discouraged at my lack of willpower, as well as the fact that I can barely stand the food anymore.

To be fair, I may have griped a lot about e-diets, but at least a lot of the food tasted okay. Many of the Nutrisystem dishes are heavily sauced, have funny flavors, and make me wish I'd eaten something blander. Fortunately, when I make selections for my next shipment, I'll know what to steer clear of and which dishes I should order in bulk.

I've started a new semester at school, which presents plenty of challenges, particularly that I have to come back to the apartment to eat and I frequently feel hungry during the day.

Most of all, I did break 180, but barely. My weight vacillates now between 179-181 no matter what I do. I need to regroup, get motivated, and do something (like exercise) to get this project moving again.

Frankly I've been on a diet most of this year and I'm getting tired of it, so I want to make some progress soon!