Snack, Day Seventy-Five

• 1 slice whole wheat bread
• 1/2 tbsp Smart Balance peanut butter
• 1/2 tbsp Smuckers sugar-free strawberry preserves

I used to make fun of my boyfriend for making his PB&J sandwiches this way, but they're quite good! I like getting the jelly taste first - usually I lose it in the layers of bread and peanut butter. Quite tasty.

Dinner, Day Seventy-Five

• 3 oz ground beef hamburger with onion powder, garlic powder & 1/2 tsp Worcestshire sauce
• 1 whole wheat hamburger bun
• 1 cup lettuce with 1 tbsp fat-free Italian dressing
• 1/4 cup dried papaya

Sometimes you just want a basic, simple dinner. As much as I didn't want to touch ground beef (dunno why), I decided a hamburger was probably one of the simpler meals I could put together. It was delicious and made me think of summer cook-outs, which put me in a great mood.

I've mentioned it before, but I think that summer will be a great opportunity for me to really get enthusiastic and enjoy this diet - with fresh fruits and vegetables more readily available, as well as more time during the day to pay attention to marketing, I think I'll have a much easier time of it.

I'm also really looking forward to finishing up classes for the semester so I can actually go to the gym and not have to panic about all the other things I should be doing - if I can really focus on losing weight and exercising, I think I can make a lot of progress and develop the discipline and habits I really need.

Lunch, Day Seventy-Five

• 1 oz low-carb enriched elbow macaroni
• 3 oz firm tofu
• 1/2 onion
• 3/4 cup frozen peas and carrots
• 1/4 cup tomato sauce
• red pepper flakes, ground red pepper, garlic, garlic powder
• 1/4 cup dried papaya

I expected this meal to be a little bland or dull, but it was actually unbelievably spicy! It was really delicious and flavorful, a real hearty and zesty kick.

The pasta was surprisingly good - I'd picked it up for my boyfriend because it's low in carbs and high in protein, but it turns out I really enjoy it myself.

Breakfast, Day Seventy-Five

• 1 oz oatmeal with 1/2 tbsp raisins, 1-1/2 tbsp almonds (substitute for walnuts) & 2 oz low-fat mozzarella cheese
• 1/4 cup dried pineapple

I had thought I was tired of making would-be cheese porridge after the last misadventure, but I thought I'd give it another shot, and I'm really glad I did. This cheese was so milky and melted wonderfully - it was a delicious addition!

I'm always surprised by how filling this breakfast is, but it kept me going all day.

Lunch, Dinner, Snack, Day Seventy-Four

(not pictured)

• half of a Domino's deluxe feast pizza, with garlic dipping sauce

Well now I've done it. I broke and had a really awful fat and sodium-laden calorically astronomical bingefest.

I came home from class exhausted and in an awful mood. I'm really stressed and worried about some things, but mostly I'd let myself get really hungry and cranky. I didn't want to go to the store (or even rummage around to figure out what I needed to buy). I didn't want to clean the kitchen. I didn't want to do anything but sit around, mope and whine.

So finally I caved. I convinced my boyfriend we should order a disgustingly unhealthy pizza, and then we both ate half. Truth be told, I probably could have eaten the whole thing myself, and it's a good thing that the grocery was closed by the time I finished because I could have gone for a whole bag of cookies as well.

I don't know what's wrong with me or why I'm sabotaging myself like this. Even if I were trying to rationalize eating pizza for dinner (which actually, I'm allowed to do, within reason), this HAS to be more than a full day's calories and provides little to no nutrition at that.

I know I've been growing increasingly unsatisfied with the food on the plan - or more to the point - that whenever we have appealing food in the apartment, my boyfriend eats it all. I've been getting envious that he can eat whatever he wants in whatever quantities so long as it's within his daily carbs. I've also been getting incredibly resentful that with packages of hot dogs and sausage in the fridge, he chooses to eat all of my low-sodium ham or snack on the rest of the turkey that could have made lunch for several days. I get angry when I find there are only a few sips of milk left or a sprinkle of cheese... and while he's usually very considerate with not eating all of my food (or at least saving me a portion of meat or similar if he's going to eat the rest of something), this week has been bad already.

It's not his fault though. I am the one who has refused to clean the kitchen or go food shopping, so I knew I wasn't going to want to come home and cook. I also let myself go almost the whole day without eating any kind of balanced nutrition, so I knew I was coming into the decision irrationally hungry (or with an irrational appetite) and was bound to make a foolish choice.

What really bothers me in this, though, is not all of the above since that's to be expected... no, what I'm upset about is that I made this decision for emotional reasons. I told myself I was going to pig out and forcibly give up control because I was having a hard time keeping things under control (not just diet-wise, but with my schoolwork and some personal things). I wanted to make a really bad decision and enjoy it - and I really really did - but I know that when I don't lose this week (or more likely gain), I'm going to regret this and feel really disappointed in myself. At the moment though, I really don't care.

(I may have mentioned, I'm in an awful mood.)

Breakfast, Day Seventy-Four

• Lean Cuisine Macaroni and Beef dinner

I was really exhausted and had to hurry to get to class. We were out of milk, cheese, and most of the ingredients to make any sort of breakfast meal. I was frankly exasperated and decided to just microwave this and get out the door.

I planned to make a salad and have some fruit to balance this out, but never got around to it when I got home.

Snack, Day Seventy-Three

• 2 (2.5-inch square) graham crackers with 2/3 tbsp Smart Balance peanut butter

The graham crackers had fallen apart again, and since I didn't want to spread the peanut butter on broken surfaces, I ate it off the spoon. Neither were particularly tasty because as I've mentioned, the crackers taste dry or stale, and the peanut butter is of a weird consistency as it nears the bottom of the jar. Sigh.

Dinner, Day Seventy-Three

• 3 oz ground beef with 1 cup spinach, 2 oz sliced mushrooms, garlic, splash of Worcestshire sauce & red wine
• 6 Triscuits
• 1/4 cup dried papaya

When will I learn? My boyfriend had improvised a similar dish (without the spinach) and it had smelled so wonderful that I rationalized making this one for myself. Technically, I guess it does go within a meal's guidelines as far as having meat, vegetable, starch etc... but it felt so totally unhealthy.

What's more, I didn't add the salt it desperately needed, so the flavor was a combination of greasy and bitter... quite unpleasant. Finally I did give a sprinkle of salt - this is the first time I've done so on this meal plan - and while it was vastly improved, it kind of underscored my growing impatience for unsatisfying flavors.

At least I still liked the papaya.

Lunch, Day Seventy-Three

• 1 Lean Cuisine macaroni and cheese dinner
• 1-1/2 cups frozen spinach with black pepper and a sprinkle of parmesan cheese

I was really craving mac and cheese and considering blowing off the diet and buying prepared stuff, but I found this Lean Cuisine at the grocery and decided to compromise my craving with something still passing for nutritious. The website recommended supplementing it with a lot of spinach, though no fruit, presumably from the excess of carbohydrates in the pasta.

Unfortunately this mac & cheese tasted so bad and was so unsatisfying that I actually added the spinach to it to improve its flavor. It's a sad state of affairs when mac and cheese is so bad you have to mask it with vegetables!

Breakfast, Day Seventy-Three

• 1 slice whole wheat bread (toasted) with 1/2 cup low-fat cottage cheese and 2 tbsp wheat germ
• 1-1/2 tbsp almonds
• 1/2 cup skim milk
• 1/2 cup crushed pineapple

This breakfast really felt like eating diet food. I'm worried with how little I'm enjoying these meals lately. I've also been letting myself go almost all day without eating, so I'm less than enthusiastic about facing the messy kitchen and preparing something nutritious.