So Far

I feel kind of dopey checking in on myself constantly, but whatever, this is my journal and I should put it to some kind of use.

Since writing, I weighed in:



174. Not bad, not great. I logged back into e-Diets and they projected my four-week goal of dropping to 166. Fair enough. I realized I'd had it set for Atkins, so I changed my meal plan back to the Glycemic Impact diet, which I feel was vastly healthier.

I made some decisions. These are the only pills I will take to improve my health and well-being:



One-a-Day Weight Smart, vitamin C, chromium picolinate, a fiber supplement, and today, naproxen sodium.

I have one of those daily pill containers marked with the days of the week leftover from when I took a psycho-pharmaceutical cocktail every day, and I loaded it up with these vitamins and supplements for the coming week.

I have also decided to give up caffeine. In Italy, I barely had any on a regular basis, so this really won't be so hard, but I have to think that the amounts of Diet Coke and Diet Dr Pepper I drink must negatively impact my sleep-wake cycles.

From now on, it's water, decaffeinated iced tea, or decaf soda in very limited amounts. I know that increasing the amount of water I drink has more health benefits than I can count, and now that we've bought a Brita pitcher to keep in the fridge, I think this will be a lot easier to do.

As per my list from the previous post, it felt wonderful to shower and do my full grooming routine. I took my time, shaved my legs, and even put menthol gel on my sore neck, which has made a world of difference. I looked at my face, which I've been picking at a lot lately, and I was sad for what I'd done to it. I made a point of putting only Neosporin on the spots I'd picked, not concealer, to give it a fair chance at healing. I think my skin bears the brunt of my foul moods, and I don't want to keep abusing it or it's going to scar. I have to be disciplined about leaving it alone, especially when my first instinct during trouble is to grab a hand mirror and go to town on it.

I walked to check on my car. It's blocked in (yay Brooklyn), but in a spot where I don't have to move it tomorrow. I think that managing this better will alleviate the morning stress of having to rush out the door to move my car as soon as I wake up, as well as the financial stress of parking tickets (I just got one on Friday).

I went to the grocery, and though I didn't buy food specific to the e-Diets plan yet, I bought reasonably healthy things which I plan to eat in moderation. I just had ham and provolone with mustard on whole grain bread, and it was delicious. I sat down to enjoy it, taking my time to sip water and savor each bite, and I'm glad I did that. I feel a lot calmer.

Prior to eating, I spent a few minutes tidying up the apartment, taking out the trash and recycling, cleaning the kitchen counter etc. Once I finish writing this, I'm going to tackle the living room and try to make some headway on the dishes. Then I have to find something enjoyable to do for the rest of the evening and maybe throw in some yoga (exercise for mental health and all that).

I'm feeling more in control, and this is important. It's stupid to act all crisis-mode about things, but I can feel my mind becoming less scattered and frenetic than it was just a few hours ago, so I know I'm doing the right thing.

Back... to Usual

I got back from Italy about two weeks ago. While I was there, I had a considerably healthier lifestyle in every way: I walked everywhere, I had energy, I ate well, I was active and happy. I lost close to 10 pounds and a full clothing size, and I really thought I had made lasting changes in my life.

The first few days I tried to convince myself that everything was going well. I'm not sure what even triggered it, but I quickly sunk back into a pretty deep depression, the likes of which I really thought I'd left behind.

Lately I've been experiencing pretty massive hypersomnia, sleeping up to 16 or 18 hours a day and still falling asleep if I sit still. Most days it's remarkable if I wake up before 3 or 4pm, and that just disgusts me on so many levels.

I was supposed to go with my boyfriend to visit his mother today, but I felt physically incapable of getting out of bed. He got so mad that he finally just stormed out the door without me and when I called and asked if I could drive up separately, he shouted that he didn't want to deal with me today. Things have been really bad between us since I got home, and I think that this kind of stuff is going to drive him away for good. Weirdly, even knowing this, I either can't or an unwilling to change my behaviors and the ways they affect him.

I did the same thing to my mother in Italy. Like, I was so mean to her I made her cry, several times, and I just didn't care. I don't even remember what I was fixating on, but it truly felt like no one else mattered - I was just entrenched in some private inhuman misery. I hate being this selfish and cruel, and I hate that I feel like I have no control over it.

As I'm approaching this coming semester, the financial, academic, and social anxiety are all but overwhelming, and daily I think I should either drop out entirely or take some time off because I know I'm not ready for my thesis. The things I could be doing in preparation, I'm refusing, opting instead to sit around and watch TV or sleep all day while wallowing in my confusion and worry.

Our apartment is an absolute disaster. The first few days I was home, I got all excited about domestic stuff, cooking, baking, and cleaning as much as I could. I was actually cheerful about doing laundry and reorganizing, thinking about how much nicer it was to have a constantly clean and tidy apartment in Italy. Then at some point I just stopped caring and slid back into the slovenly tendencies which have been driving my boyfriend and I crazy all this time. I leave garbage in the middle of the floor, I don't wash dishes until it becomes a huge task, I don't put anything away or clean anything, and for good measure, I haven't even been showering. Across the board, I've had this horrid "Why bother" feeling, which manifests itself in appalling ways.

For what it's worth, I've also gained weight since coming home, as I haven't even tried to maintain a healthful diet like I did abroad. It's been all baked goods, fatty meals, or fast food, and I see that I'm dragging my boyfriend down with me.

I had a glimmer of hope when I found an affordable city fitness center with a full-size pool a few subway stops from my apartment. I had this thought that I could get on a regular swimming schedule and it would be both meditative and aerobic, and I had this notion of reclaiming the person I used to be in high school (when I swam year-round and was much fitter and healthier). I got all excited about it while I was at my parents' house, and I went out and spent too much money on a new bathing suit, goggles, and swim cap. I also bought a yoga mat, thinking I'd like to take that up too.

Then when I got home, I just became deflated. My boyfriend wasn't at all interested in joining this fitness center or even in coming with me to check it out before I registered. He kind of scoffed at the whole idea, saying I'd never go, just like I never went to the gym when I was a member. I tried to argue that this was different, because I could go to it by subway and didn't have to spend time in traffic or circling for parking, but he maintained his skepticism. Instead of going through with it anyway, I just let myself feel defeated and hopeless and put off going all week. I want to say I'll go tomorrow, but really, I don't want to disappoint myself anymore, especially if I sleep until the afternoon and miss registration hours yet again.

The thing is, I know this feeling all too well, and I know this is not normal. I spent several years in undergrad like this, and I recognize that I'm pretty deeply depressed. I want to get help and take control of it, but I know that I can't afford to see a counselor or therapist, and I really wouldn't want to go on medication again, seeing as that is a significant part of how I became so overweight in the first place.

I read an article on Helping Yourself Out of Depression (since I do love the DIY mentality), and it rang of common sense and seemed reasonable. I mean obviously, if I want to feel better, I should start exercising again, since that is what made me feel better in Italy. This is also one of the things I'm really mad at myself for, so I can kill two birds with one stone. Getting better control of my diet and sleep are obvious no-brainers, yet wow, they're hard to do. Reengaging in the activities I've completely stopped since coming home will be good for me, and it will help me alleviate my back-to-school anxiety because I will be - gasp! - doing something to help myself.

The only part of the puzzle I can't manage is what to say or do regarding my family and boyfriend. The last time I told people I was depressed, they tried to talk me out of getting treatment, then said it was just an excuse for laziness. I remember my mom sending me an email saying I wasn't depressed, I was just really immature and needed to grow up instead of indulging myself in an expensive treatment. When I try to express things that make me unhappy or tell people the things they do which make me feel worthless, they laugh it off and tell me I'm being childish and oversensitive. My boyfriend always tells me it's choices that I make and flaws in my own character which let me feel depressed, as he seems to believe that at any time I could just pull myself up by the boot-straps and get on with life.

I don't want to tell people that this isn't me, because not only will they not believe it, but I'll lose any credibility with things I say to them in the future. I can already hear my mom saying "Oh, she's doing that depression thing again, ugh," as if I've joined some cult.

I know that the conditional support I get from my family and boyfriend contribute significantly to my anxiety and faltering confidence, but any time I say anything to them or ask for help, they think I'm blaming them and get all defensive.

I guess I've just convinced myself I'm on my own in this. To set some reasonably attainable goals for myself, I will:

1) Get showered and dressed.
2) Get out of the apartment today. Go to the grocery store and take a walk to find where my car is parked, check if I have to move it tomorrow.
3) Wash the dishes and tidy up the apartment.
4) Cook something for dinner and try to get to bed at a remotely decent hour.

Now I have to confess my alternate plan - stay up through the night so I can go to the fitness center in the morning and register. We'll see.

I'll check back in soon and monitor things. I have to believe I'm capable of fixing this.

Today's the Day

I leave for Italy today!

Most likely, I won't be updating this site while I am away. I have serious intents to redouble my weight loss efforts upon my return, so please bookmark me or subscribe to this site's feed if you'd like to stay in touch.

I will return to both the US and dieting in August.

Have a great summer!

Hour of Weakness

I don't know what's wrong with me, but it seems I'm intent on sabotaging every attempt I make at losing weight.

Today it started with low-sugar Eskimo Pie ice cream bars. They're delicious - vanilla ice cream covered in dark chocolate. They're also 13 grams of carbs each.

I had one this morning, then I had several grams of carbs in my dinner (leftover sausage with orange peppers in spicy tomato sauce, and not enough of it). That should have been the end of my carbs for the day, but I just wasn't satisfied.

I had another ice cream, trying to rationalize that going over by a few grams wouldn't kill me. Then, and completely without thinking, I had another. What the hell? I can't even understand how or when that happened. There were suddenly two popsicle sticks in front of me.

So then I thought that if I'd blown it, I should do an hour of carbs (I seriously think this is just an excuse for screwing up a low-carb diet, but I keep putting off researching it). I had liverwurst on a Wasa flatbread. I had monterey jack cheese melted on Wheat Thins. I even had a few scrapes out of an old jar of Nutella. To cap it off, I had yet another ice cream bar. Argh.

I'm ashamed to admit I was tempted to order pizza or go out for fast food or even walk to a bodega and buy cookies, thinking it was too bad we didn't have more desirable carby treats around the apartment. Thankfully I stopped myself before it got even worse, but it feels lousy to have let myself get so out of control. I was even thinking "It's only another week or two before I leave for the summer, I should just give up Atkins now and enjoy myself." Sigh.

When am I going to change?

Revving Up

I just read this article on revving up one's metabolism, and I think I'm making several critical errors.

First, I am not drinking nearly enough water. I try to get it in from sugar-free iced tea or Jello or similar, but I really don't have enough of that to offset the amount of sodium and caffeine I'm consuming from diet sodas. What I didn't realize, however, is that running slightly dehydrated actually decreases metabolic rate. Therefore, I'm going to redouble my efforts to drink at least 64 oz of water a day and cut back on soda. I imagine that will have some nice skin and hair benefits too.

The second major thing that it's taking me too long to realize is that not eating enough, waiting until really late in the day, or going an excessively long time between meals, causes my metabolism to slow. When blood sugar drops, the body stores energy as fat. It seems so simple, but it's so easy to think "Ehn, I'm fat enough, I don't really need to eat." So even though it feels like work to have to squeeze in regular meals and snacks throughout the day, I think it's something I need to make a concerted effort toward. Atkins is perhaps problematic because it reduces hunger so much that I often go as long as ten or twelve hours without eating - I can't imagine my metabolism keeps working in that time.

Lastly, and I've been harping on myself about this one for this whole process - I need to develop muscle tone and become aerobically active. Period. End of story.

So I need to remember these things the next time I find myself staring at the scale and thinking "But I haven't eaten carbs - why am I back up to 179?" I know why, and I know that there is no magic solution or lazy way out. I can make this work, and I know how. I just have to have the discipline to do it.

Two Creamy Recipes

Recently I've made two really tasty carb-free dishes, and I thought it would be a good idea to record the recipes here.

Chicken Primavera Alfredo



Ingredients

• 4 whole boneless, skinless chicken breasts
• 2 medium onions
• minced garlic
• 2 packages stir-fry vegetables (includes broccoli florets, pea pods, shredded zucchini, carrot etc)
• 8 oz sliced mushrooms
• 1 cup butter or margarine
• 1-1/3 cup heavy cream
• 2-1/2 cups grated Parmesan cheese
• salt & fresh ground pepper to taste

Preparation

Cook chicken. I used a George Foreman grill, but it could be boiled, roasted, or otherwise heated through by any method. Slice into bite-size pieces.

Meanwhile, chop and sautée garlic and onion in a skillet with hot olive oil. Cook until onions are translucent. Add stir-fry vegetables and mushrooms, and heat to desired softness, covering to steam. Toss with chicken.

In a separate saucepan, heat butter and cream until butter is melted. Remove from heat, add Parmesan cheese, salt & pepper, and stir until smooth.

Pour Alfredo sauce over chicken and vegetable mixture. Top with Parmesan or Romano cheese, and serve hot.

This recipe makes a very large amount with lots of leftovers - it can easily be halved or otherwise divided. Alfredo sauce recipe comes from this source.

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Thin Beef and Spinach in Three Cheese Cream Sauce



Ingredients

• 3 Steak-Ummms minute steaks or thinly sliced shaved beef
• large onion
• package of frozen chopped spinach
• minced garlic
• 1/2 cup heavy cream
• 4-5 oz cream cheese
• 3 oz crumbled Feta cheese
• 1/2 cup grated Romano cheese
• ground red pepper
• several dashes Worcestershire sauce
• salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste

Preparation

Thinly slice onion and sautée with garlic in a skillet with hot oil. Heat until onions are translucent. Add steaks and cover to heat through. Using two wooden spoons, cut up steaks into small pieces. Add salt, peppers, and Worcestershire sauce to flavor. Add package of spinach and cover to steam.

When spinach has fully defrosted, stir in cream, cream cheese, crumbled Feta, and Romano cheese. Combine to a creamy sauce, and flavor to taste. Serve hot.

This basic recipe can be adapted to the ingredients on hand, for example using more beef or other vegetables. Sliced mushrooms would make an especially suitable addition.

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So, I hope you enjoy these recipes if you choose to prepare them. They are definitely tasty and a nice change of pace from the sometimes greasy, overly salty Atkins dishes we usually prepare.

Faltering

Not surprisingly, I'm feeling stymied with Atkins. When I was visiting my family last week, they all kept saying really kind things. I hadn't seen them since March, and both of my parents kept saying I'd lost a ton of weight and looked a lot better. Therefore I thought that, though feeble, my efforts with the Glycemic Impact diet and then Atkins had actually paid off.

Later that weekend, my mother and I went clothes shopping. It was so strange because almost everything I put on fit perfectly. It was flattering, and I didn't look as horrifyingly huge as I expected to, even in a 3-way store mirror. For the first time in a long time, I fit very comfortably into specific sizes (cringe-worthy still, but that is not the point), so I could pick things off the wrack, check out the shape, and know it would look good.

I was pleased and thinking finally, I was making progress in the War on Fat.

This week is a totally different story. I weighed myself this morning and was back up to 178. I was peering in the mirror wondering "Am I retaining water, or have I gained weight back?" This questioning drives me crazy, the doubting, the insecurity, and the unshakable belief that I was just deluding myself trying to lose weight with Atkins anyway.

My boyfriend (rightly) maintains that if I really want to lose weight, I need to exercise. He suggested slowly working carbs back into my diet and picking up some kind of aerobic activity. Unfortunately my gym membership just expired two days ago, and I purposefully did not renew it because I only went once in the past two years.

I understand the equation so clearly it's ridiculous:

weight loss = diet x exercise

I've said before (and recently) that as long as the exercise stays at zero, it will continue to produce zero as my weight loss result as well.

I own so many home exercise books and videos that I should surely be able to find something I enjoy, right? I have weights, I have a yoga mat, I have a big open floor in my apartment where I can do pilates or the NYC Ballet Workout... we even have an exercise bike taking up tons of space in the office, but I am loathe to work out here, from some combination of vanity (don't want my boyfriend to see me) and arrogance (don't want to admit to myself how badly out of shape I am).

I own three or four pairs of barely-used sneakers and a whole wardrobe full of never-used exercise clothing. At any time I choose, I could put some of that on, walk outside, and wander around this big city I inhabit. I even have roller blades I could take to the park.

So what is keeping me from this? Why do I patently refuse to do anything to improve myself or my condition?

I'm going to be leaving the country in something like two weeks. I'll have a suitcase full of new clothes in a shamefully large size, and my visions of traipsing along the streets glamorous and floating on air will more likely resemble waddling along on a squat frame, trudging about with thighs rubbing together, exhausted from the simple effort of going about my day and moving 60 extra pounds around everywhere I go.

It's not just struggling with my appearance, either. I do really worry about my health, my body, and my quality of life as a consequence of neglecting both. I don't want to find myself thinking about getting married or having children and still failing to reach a healthy weight. I don't want to be 40 or 50 and still telling myself "I used to be an athlete" or "When I was 17, I was really thin."

Why do I choose food and laziness over everything else? Why do I take what should be a sacred gift and abuse it as if I hate it? I don't like the person I am when I can't be bothered to exercise or when I make short-term decisions like "the flavor of this ice cream right now is more important than living to know my grandchildren."

I don't want to develop diabetes or heart trouble. I don't want to have a shortened lifespan because I have no self-control. What's more, I don't want to spend the rest of my life tired, struggling anytime I have to move my body, feeling weighed down and listless because I am so overweight.

I think this is enough whining. I'm painfully aware that everything I'm unhappy about is my own fault, and that the only person in the world who can help me out with this is me. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm mad at myself. I'm frustrated with the situation, and it's incredibly tempting right now to just say "Screw it," throw in the towel, and pig out the rest of the time I'm here since, yknow, how much could I possibly lose in two weeks anyway right?

I'm going to be disciplined and stop acting like a brat just because I'm having some set-backs. I hope that tomorrow I can start making some more productive changes in my life and get myself together already.

Slip-Up

I knew it wouldn't be easy to stick exclusively to Atkins, and last night proved my first big mess-up. We had overnight guests coming, and because one is a vegetarian, I had a hard time finding a restaurant that would suit all of us. We went to a really delicious Indian place in Manhattan.

Now the food was incomparably wonderful, including the best samosas I've ever had, but everything was carb-laden and starchy - curry sauces, potatoes, lentils, rice, and tons of garlic nan. My boyfriend and I had avoided carbs all day in anticipation of keeping them all within an hour, trying the Carbohydrate Addicts' method (which I still don't fully believe really works). Our meal was much longer than an hour, but I thought it was probably okay since it was just one (admittedly very large) meal.

Where we really blew it was later on, as we were on our way home from the subway, when we bought full-fat, full-sugar Ben & Jerry's ice cream in two flavors (mint chocolate cookie and cinnamon bun). On the subway, my boyfriend and I had spoken privately and agreed we would have the low-carb ice cream bars in our fridge and just give our guests the sugary stuff... but as I was scooping out bowls, he gave me a look and we both knew we were just flagrantly disregarding Atkins so we could enjoy the same dessert as our friends.

I'm definitely disappointed with myself for making such a foolish decision. The ice cream tasted great, but I felt guilty the whole time I was eating it and if I really thought about it, I couldn't even say I enjoyed it. I'm so frustrated that I can't stay on any diet, even one as easy as Atkins, for more than like two weeks.

This morning I resolved to get right back on track and not dwell on last night's mistakes, but I screwed up first thing in the morning. I'd found an awesome recipe for citrus ade, which I made fresh this morning substituting Splenda for sugar. The reason I'd planned to make this is because the same vegetarian friend doesn't drink carbonated or caffeinated beverages and often balks at anything with added sugar in it (as most fruit juices available in our grocery have). For some reason it hadn't occurred to me that grapefruits have carbs in them because lemons and limes are allowed on Atkins. Even though I didn't drink much of it, I think I've already had my day's carbs. Bummer.

I hope I can keep it together before I wreck all the progress I've made so far. I will also try to remember to weigh-in tomorrow, seeing as I've been really unaccountable lately.

A Nice Weekend

As a commenter recently noted, I've been away awhile. I'll back-post a few things I have drafts of, but in the meantime, I'm pretty proud of how I handled myself this past weekend.

I went down to visit my family, which is often a major diet-killer. I got there Saturday night, and my parents and I went to a steakhouse for dinner. I thought I was safe ordering a flat iron steak with a burgundy reduction sauce... but they served it with a big pile of delicious French fries. I managed to eat around them and enjoyed the heck out of my steak. I rewarded myself with a low-sugar ice cream which fit within my daily carbs despite having 11 grams.

Sunday was easier, as I ate turkey roll-ups and then my father barbecued a bunch of things, including cheddar wurst and sausage patties with cheese for me. I made Caesar salads for my family, and they all enjoyed them. I was even able to enjoy a Caipirinha made with Splenda - fabulous.

On Monday, my mother and I got dinner at Ruby Tuesday's, and I was tempted to take a page from the Carbohydrate Addicts' diet, wherein I would eat a carb-laden meal, but keep all my carbs within one hour. Or something. I'm not even sure that works, but I'm glad I decided against it anyway. I got a portobello mushroom topped steak with Parmesan cream sauce that was spectacular. My dish came with steamed broccoli and a baked potato, but the waitress was all too happy to sub in some broiled green beans, which were also delicious. On the way home, we got a package of CarbSmart ice cream bars which are only 5 grams per, but I did end up eating two, which was a definite lapse in self-control. Nevertheless, I stayed well below 20 carbs for the day and felt proud of myself for finding a way to make it work.

Lastly on Tuesday, I went most of the day without eating, and was feeling kind of dizzy as a consequence. I cooked Ropa Vieja for my family before heading out, and while I thought it was spectacular, they felt it was too spicy. I began to wonder if Atkins is effecting my sense of taste and flavor, since we add so many spices to cut that greasy "Atkins taste." I will have to look into this.

Since returning, I've continued being really good, though I'm concerned that not eating for long portions of the day is lowering my blood sugar and causing my weight loss to plateau.

I did make a fabulous dinner tonight, though, and I wish I'd thought to take a photo. I grilled chicken breasts and sauteed a bunch of vegetables, then topped it all with a decadent homemade Alfredo sauce. Being on Atkins is about the only possible situation in which I'd consider that sauce healthy, but man, it was delicious.

Atkins, Day Sixteen

Arbitrarily, I've decided to stop keeping track of everything I eat in a day (I'm sure you're relieved). Basically, I think I'm figuring out how to make Atkins work and I've learned lots about my eating habits, so I'd say the listing has served its purpose. I'm not sneaking foods in or trying to go over my carbs in a day - I've just stuck to the "diet" and enjoyed it.

This evening I made up a recipe for hot Italian sausage with peppers and mushrooms in a spicy tomato cream sauce, heavy on Romano cheese. It was mostly delicious, but I know that I should have reduced the sauce before mixing it with the other ingredients. Instead I made it all in one pan and tried to simmer it down... it's just not the same.

I was reminded of an experience in a restaurant just after I learned to make vodka sauce, when I was served a dish that kept separating into oily constituent pools. It goes without saying, I was disgusted, and not for the oil (because everyone should know that half of restaurant sauces is oil), but for the amateurish cream sauce. My twelve-year-old indignation knew no bounds. Really though, there's something about learning to cook that makes one especially offended when someone professional does it wrong.

Otherwise today was a good day, and I'm hoping for another sizable loss at weigh-in tomorrow.

I'm a little worried about visiting my parents this weekend for Mother's Day - they have a knack for blowing my diets - but I think I should be able to keep it together and resist sweets or the big starchy potato roll my father always offers with a burger.