I came back to this site to look up a recipe, and I realized I'd left a very long, very personal entry at the top. I committed one of the cardinal sins of blogging and removed it. Even though I mostly consider this a journal for myself, there are some things that just don't need to be out in public.
I do have things I'd like to write about, and I would really like to get back on track with my health. Please expect more regular posting again soon.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Drug Efficacy
I had lunch with my mother yesterday, and we were talking about my grandfather, who has in the past had prostate cancer and recently learned he had a cancerous mass in one of his kidneys. He had the kidney removed last week, but he was still feeling a little under the weather and had developed a fever, so the doctor prescribed antibiotics and stressed how important it was for him to take them with food so they absorbed effectively, now that his remaining kidney has an extra burden of absorption.
At this point in the conversation, I realized I hadn't taken any vitamins, and I pulled out the little baggie of 19 pills I'd brought with me. I told my mom about the vitamin and herb cocktail I'd started, and she joked, "Why are you taking all that? To make really expensive pee?"
We laughed, and I explained how I have been careful to always take them with food and spread them out through the day so they can be absorbed properly. She insisted that the body doesn't absorb supplements and a person just pees them out.
While I disagree with my mother and wonder where she got her cynicism from, it did give me momentary pause. How do I know any of this is doing anything?
With prescription drugs, even if they weren't achieving their intended effects, I was sure the drug was getting into my system because I felt so completely different in every way when I took them. If I took my antidepressant a little late in the day, there was a noticeable difference, and if I missed a day, I would faint. Two days, and I had a seizure. (This is part of the reason I'm leery of psychopharmaceuticals - I don't like something having so much control over my entire body).
However, with herbal supplements and vitamins, I'm less sure. I like that ginseng doesn't make me feel like I'm on speed, but I wonder if it really boosts my energy. I feel like I'm concentrating a little better with ginkgo biloba, but I can't say for sure that I have better circulation to my head and extremities because I don't feel gushes of blood and all that. And similarly with my One-a-Day, I feel a little better all over, but I can't say what vitamins are helping which processes.
For the first two years of my undergrad, I majored in Neuroscience, and probably my favorite class was Neuropathology. In the pharmacology unit, we studied specific drugs and why they did what they did at a molecular level, then expanded it to understand what happened on cellular, systemic, bodily, and psychiatric levels. Because I could say exactly what the drug molecules did in the brain, I could believe that they had the effects they were supposed to, and I understood how to monitor a patient's treatment.
I don't have that kind of knowledge of vitamins and herbs, and I'm not 100% confident that the people who harvest and package herbs do either. Yes, the history of pharmacology is one of adapting substances from nature with observed effects to controlled and standardized units packaged in pills, powders, and the like, and marketed as cures. But how do we know what they do? Is it okay to simply say ginseng gives you energy, just like caffeine or cocaine, and I don't have to question how and why? I want to research these further and understand them at a chemical level before I put all my faith in them.
For now I have chosen to trust these pills and see what they do. I'm not so naive as to say anything from nature can't be bad for me, but I trust the amount of research that's been done in the three herbal drugs I'm taking, as well as the efficacy of a multivitamin and vitamin C in maintaining a healthy immune system.
I would really appreciate it if anyone could point me in the direction of some more concrete data on St John's Wort, Koren ginseng, and Ginkgo Biloba. And if you have anything on chromium picolinate, I'm all ears for that too.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
New Cocktail
I've had some pretty hugely stressful things go on in my life since last writing (terrible family scare, really important school deadlines, near break-up with my boyfriend etc), but I think I'm past it now.
The diet went out the window as I put all my priorities into school. I gained back all the weight I'd lost in Italy plus some, and the overall shape of my body is much worse now that I am not exercising so regularly. My clothes fit poorly, I cringe at photos of myself with shock, and all that.
I wasn't too concerned because I can accept that weight loss is a long and slow process. Where I was worried is the ways in which being physically unhealthy was affecting my mental and emotional health. I got into a rather terrible spiral of anxiety and depression that I wasn't sure how to get out of. Finishing a major project helped, but I still could tell that my moods were imbalanced and I wasn't really myself.
Last week, my boyfriend and I went out with friends, and my mood was finally starting to lift. We had a few drinks, but I limited myself to three whiskey drinks, the last one mixed with a 12-oz can of Diet Coke.
I'm hesitant to write this even as I do because even though this journal is anonymous, it's still really really embarrassing. Here goes.
When we got in the elevator, I realized I had to pee, fairly urgently. As long as we kept walking, I was alright, but by the time I had to stop to pay for my Metro card, I really didn't know how I was going to keep myself together. I was wearing heeled boots, and as I carefully started down the stairs, one of them caught on a step, I started to slip, and I thought I was going to fall. I caught myself, but I was so startled that I'd lost control of my bladder and ended up... wetting my pants on the subway platform.
Fortunately I had a shopping bag in front of me and a scarf to tie around my waist, but I was absolutely mortified.
When I got home, I showered, then immediately went onto WebMD. See, I've always had really sudden urges and needed to pee many times a day (up to once or twice an hour), but I figured it was an excess of caffeine or attention issues (I get really involved in what I'm doing and don't realize I must go until it's nearly an emergency). I had been having more and more close calls prior to the subway, so I'd cut back on soda, but I never felt quite so... incontinent before.
The first article I came across was one to do with the 3 Conditions Women Don't Talk About, and they were incontinence, irritable bowel syndrome, and waning sexual desire. Check, check, and (I have to admit), check.
I read up on all three, and I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands. Before going on Zoloft a few years ago, I'd spoken with my doctor about herbal alternatives, specifically St John's Wort. She said they were just as effective if not better than the prescription, but they could be difficult to monitor and basically required that you be on a steady diet and exercise regime for them to work, as they were supplements to a healthy lifestyle, and not replacements for one. Being lazy and immature, I opted for prescriptions and went through a year of hell and irresponsible psychiatry, never quite getting the doses right.
So last week I decided that rather than see another psychiatrist, whose primary resource is a prescription pad, I would take up a healthier lifestyle, monitor myself through writing, and take herbal supplements. The fact that my insurance doesn't cover prescriptions or counseling was probably in the back of my mind, but it seemed like the better way to treat my body.
I realized today that I now take a lot of pills every day, instead of one little one, but I think overall they're better:
From left to right: St John's Wort, Korean ginseng, good old One-a-Day WeightSmart, Ginkgo Biloba, vitamin C, chromium picolinate, and fiber supplements.
I started taking them on Monday, and so far I feel terrific. I know that it is probably a bit of a placebo effect, since the St John's Wort is supposed to work slowly over two months, but I can immediately feel an increase in energy and enthusiasm. I'm just generally cheerier, and I'm optimistic that I'm on the right path to helping myself naturally.
I need to start back up on a diet again. My boyfriend wants to go back on Atkins, but I'm thinking that the Glycemic Impact would be better for us as far as a long-term lifestyle change.
My boyfriend and I have also been talking a lot about our behaviors and what we do to one another. We fight all the time about the apartment being a disaster (and yes, it really is that bad), and generally our relationship had deteriorated to one of constant bickering and shouting. I finally decided in the midst of a really ugly fight that that was enough. I insisted that if we were going to have anything to do with one another (at this point, he said he was moving out and I said I was through with him), we needed some ground rules, namely no yelling, no name-calling, berating or character assaults, no slamming doors or storming out in anger, and our conversations should have one topic or point per statement, no making speeches or litanies of offenses. It's been going a lot better since then, and we've been considerably kinder to one another.
I feel that if we work to get our living situation more comfortable and productive for both of us, then it will be a lot easier to stick with a diet and exercise plan (and vice versa). To the same extent that my poor health was affecting my moods and concentration, I know that our mutual physical problems are really negatively impacting our relationship. So it's time to change.
While I am rambling excessively about my health (it's been a while, I have to catch up!), I also have two other issues I want to keep an eye on.
1.) My vision is getting noticeably worse, to the point where my glasses are barely working on some days. I'm not sure if it is eye fatigue and need of a new prescription (as the dull headaches would indicate) or overall bleary-eyed tiredness (as the early morning classes are a strain sometimes), but I want to get it checked out, if I can find somewhere affordable. It really irks me that my school's insurance doesn't cover dental or vision at all, as if graduate students no longer have teeth or eyes when they enroll. Nevertheless, if I can justify spending money on shoes or jeans, I can definitely find some room in my budget to take care of my vision.
2.) Skin and hair. My skin seems to be breaking out worse than usual, probably from stress, anxiety, and poor nutrition. I have some new products I'm introducing into my regime, so we'll see. I've been concerned about my hair thinning for a few years now, as it was a big side effect of anxiety, then Zoloft, then anxiety again. I keep going through shampoos trying to find one which works best, but I'm still dissatisfied. It's my hope that better nutrition and exercise, as well as alleviating some anxiety will help, but I want to pay attention. I also want to be careful that whatever diet I choose still gets enough good fats and oils to maintain healthy hair and skin.
So, that's the current state of my health and life. Whew. Back to schoolwork!
The diet went out the window as I put all my priorities into school. I gained back all the weight I'd lost in Italy plus some, and the overall shape of my body is much worse now that I am not exercising so regularly. My clothes fit poorly, I cringe at photos of myself with shock, and all that.
I wasn't too concerned because I can accept that weight loss is a long and slow process. Where I was worried is the ways in which being physically unhealthy was affecting my mental and emotional health. I got into a rather terrible spiral of anxiety and depression that I wasn't sure how to get out of. Finishing a major project helped, but I still could tell that my moods were imbalanced and I wasn't really myself.
Last week, my boyfriend and I went out with friends, and my mood was finally starting to lift. We had a few drinks, but I limited myself to three whiskey drinks, the last one mixed with a 12-oz can of Diet Coke.
I'm hesitant to write this even as I do because even though this journal is anonymous, it's still really really embarrassing. Here goes.
When we got in the elevator, I realized I had to pee, fairly urgently. As long as we kept walking, I was alright, but by the time I had to stop to pay for my Metro card, I really didn't know how I was going to keep myself together. I was wearing heeled boots, and as I carefully started down the stairs, one of them caught on a step, I started to slip, and I thought I was going to fall. I caught myself, but I was so startled that I'd lost control of my bladder and ended up... wetting my pants on the subway platform.
Fortunately I had a shopping bag in front of me and a scarf to tie around my waist, but I was absolutely mortified.
When I got home, I showered, then immediately went onto WebMD. See, I've always had really sudden urges and needed to pee many times a day (up to once or twice an hour), but I figured it was an excess of caffeine or attention issues (I get really involved in what I'm doing and don't realize I must go until it's nearly an emergency). I had been having more and more close calls prior to the subway, so I'd cut back on soda, but I never felt quite so... incontinent before.
The first article I came across was one to do with the 3 Conditions Women Don't Talk About, and they were incontinence, irritable bowel syndrome, and waning sexual desire. Check, check, and (I have to admit), check.
I read up on all three, and I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands. Before going on Zoloft a few years ago, I'd spoken with my doctor about herbal alternatives, specifically St John's Wort. She said they were just as effective if not better than the prescription, but they could be difficult to monitor and basically required that you be on a steady diet and exercise regime for them to work, as they were supplements to a healthy lifestyle, and not replacements for one. Being lazy and immature, I opted for prescriptions and went through a year of hell and irresponsible psychiatry, never quite getting the doses right.
So last week I decided that rather than see another psychiatrist, whose primary resource is a prescription pad, I would take up a healthier lifestyle, monitor myself through writing, and take herbal supplements. The fact that my insurance doesn't cover prescriptions or counseling was probably in the back of my mind, but it seemed like the better way to treat my body.
I realized today that I now take a lot of pills every day, instead of one little one, but I think overall they're better:
From left to right: St John's Wort, Korean ginseng, good old One-a-Day WeightSmart, Ginkgo Biloba, vitamin C, chromium picolinate, and fiber supplements.
I started taking them on Monday, and so far I feel terrific. I know that it is probably a bit of a placebo effect, since the St John's Wort is supposed to work slowly over two months, but I can immediately feel an increase in energy and enthusiasm. I'm just generally cheerier, and I'm optimistic that I'm on the right path to helping myself naturally.
I need to start back up on a diet again. My boyfriend wants to go back on Atkins, but I'm thinking that the Glycemic Impact would be better for us as far as a long-term lifestyle change.
My boyfriend and I have also been talking a lot about our behaviors and what we do to one another. We fight all the time about the apartment being a disaster (and yes, it really is that bad), and generally our relationship had deteriorated to one of constant bickering and shouting. I finally decided in the midst of a really ugly fight that that was enough. I insisted that if we were going to have anything to do with one another (at this point, he said he was moving out and I said I was through with him), we needed some ground rules, namely no yelling, no name-calling, berating or character assaults, no slamming doors or storming out in anger, and our conversations should have one topic or point per statement, no making speeches or litanies of offenses. It's been going a lot better since then, and we've been considerably kinder to one another.
I feel that if we work to get our living situation more comfortable and productive for both of us, then it will be a lot easier to stick with a diet and exercise plan (and vice versa). To the same extent that my poor health was affecting my moods and concentration, I know that our mutual physical problems are really negatively impacting our relationship. So it's time to change.
While I am rambling excessively about my health (it's been a while, I have to catch up!), I also have two other issues I want to keep an eye on.
1.) My vision is getting noticeably worse, to the point where my glasses are barely working on some days. I'm not sure if it is eye fatigue and need of a new prescription (as the dull headaches would indicate) or overall bleary-eyed tiredness (as the early morning classes are a strain sometimes), but I want to get it checked out, if I can find somewhere affordable. It really irks me that my school's insurance doesn't cover dental or vision at all, as if graduate students no longer have teeth or eyes when they enroll. Nevertheless, if I can justify spending money on shoes or jeans, I can definitely find some room in my budget to take care of my vision.
2.) Skin and hair. My skin seems to be breaking out worse than usual, probably from stress, anxiety, and poor nutrition. I have some new products I'm introducing into my regime, so we'll see. I've been concerned about my hair thinning for a few years now, as it was a big side effect of anxiety, then Zoloft, then anxiety again. I keep going through shampoos trying to find one which works best, but I'm still dissatisfied. It's my hope that better nutrition and exercise, as well as alleviating some anxiety will help, but I want to pay attention. I also want to be careful that whatever diet I choose still gets enough good fats and oils to maintain healthy hair and skin.
So, that's the current state of my health and life. Whew. Back to schoolwork!
Sunday, August 12, 2007
So Far
I feel kind of dopey checking in on myself constantly, but whatever, this is my journal and I should put it to some kind of use.
Since writing, I weighed in:
174. Not bad, not great. I logged back into e-Diets and they projected my four-week goal of dropping to 166. Fair enough. I realized I'd had it set for Atkins, so I changed my meal plan back to the Glycemic Impact diet, which I feel was vastly healthier.
I made some decisions. These are the only pills I will take to improve my health and well-being:
One-a-Day Weight Smart, vitamin C, chromium picolinate, a fiber supplement, and today, naproxen sodium.
I have one of those daily pill containers marked with the days of the week leftover from when I took a psycho-pharmaceutical cocktail every day, and I loaded it up with these vitamins and supplements for the coming week.
I have also decided to give up caffeine. In Italy, I barely had any on a regular basis, so this really won't be so hard, but I have to think that the amounts of Diet Coke and Diet Dr Pepper I drink must negatively impact my sleep-wake cycles.
From now on, it's water, decaffeinated iced tea, or decaf soda in very limited amounts. I know that increasing the amount of water I drink has more health benefits than I can count, and now that we've bought a Brita pitcher to keep in the fridge, I think this will be a lot easier to do.
As per my list from the previous post, it felt wonderful to shower and do my full grooming routine. I took my time, shaved my legs, and even put menthol gel on my sore neck, which has made a world of difference. I looked at my face, which I've been picking at a lot lately, and I was sad for what I'd done to it. I made a point of putting only Neosporin on the spots I'd picked, not concealer, to give it a fair chance at healing. I think my skin bears the brunt of my foul moods, and I don't want to keep abusing it or it's going to scar. I have to be disciplined about leaving it alone, especially when my first instinct during trouble is to grab a hand mirror and go to town on it.
I walked to check on my car. It's blocked in (yay Brooklyn), but in a spot where I don't have to move it tomorrow. I think that managing this better will alleviate the morning stress of having to rush out the door to move my car as soon as I wake up, as well as the financial stress of parking tickets (I just got one on Friday).
I went to the grocery, and though I didn't buy food specific to the e-Diets plan yet, I bought reasonably healthy things which I plan to eat in moderation. I just had ham and provolone with mustard on whole grain bread, and it was delicious. I sat down to enjoy it, taking my time to sip water and savor each bite, and I'm glad I did that. I feel a lot calmer.
Prior to eating, I spent a few minutes tidying up the apartment, taking out the trash and recycling, cleaning the kitchen counter etc. Once I finish writing this, I'm going to tackle the living room and try to make some headway on the dishes. Then I have to find something enjoyable to do for the rest of the evening and maybe throw in some yoga (exercise for mental health and all that).
I'm feeling more in control, and this is important. It's stupid to act all crisis-mode about things, but I can feel my mind becoming less scattered and frenetic than it was just a few hours ago, so I know I'm doing the right thing.
Since writing, I weighed in:
174. Not bad, not great. I logged back into e-Diets and they projected my four-week goal of dropping to 166. Fair enough. I realized I'd had it set for Atkins, so I changed my meal plan back to the Glycemic Impact diet, which I feel was vastly healthier.
I made some decisions. These are the only pills I will take to improve my health and well-being:
One-a-Day Weight Smart, vitamin C, chromium picolinate, a fiber supplement, and today, naproxen sodium.
I have one of those daily pill containers marked with the days of the week leftover from when I took a psycho-pharmaceutical cocktail every day, and I loaded it up with these vitamins and supplements for the coming week.
I have also decided to give up caffeine. In Italy, I barely had any on a regular basis, so this really won't be so hard, but I have to think that the amounts of Diet Coke and Diet Dr Pepper I drink must negatively impact my sleep-wake cycles.
From now on, it's water, decaffeinated iced tea, or decaf soda in very limited amounts. I know that increasing the amount of water I drink has more health benefits than I can count, and now that we've bought a Brita pitcher to keep in the fridge, I think this will be a lot easier to do.
As per my list from the previous post, it felt wonderful to shower and do my full grooming routine. I took my time, shaved my legs, and even put menthol gel on my sore neck, which has made a world of difference. I looked at my face, which I've been picking at a lot lately, and I was sad for what I'd done to it. I made a point of putting only Neosporin on the spots I'd picked, not concealer, to give it a fair chance at healing. I think my skin bears the brunt of my foul moods, and I don't want to keep abusing it or it's going to scar. I have to be disciplined about leaving it alone, especially when my first instinct during trouble is to grab a hand mirror and go to town on it.
I walked to check on my car. It's blocked in (yay Brooklyn), but in a spot where I don't have to move it tomorrow. I think that managing this better will alleviate the morning stress of having to rush out the door to move my car as soon as I wake up, as well as the financial stress of parking tickets (I just got one on Friday).
I went to the grocery, and though I didn't buy food specific to the e-Diets plan yet, I bought reasonably healthy things which I plan to eat in moderation. I just had ham and provolone with mustard on whole grain bread, and it was delicious. I sat down to enjoy it, taking my time to sip water and savor each bite, and I'm glad I did that. I feel a lot calmer.
Prior to eating, I spent a few minutes tidying up the apartment, taking out the trash and recycling, cleaning the kitchen counter etc. Once I finish writing this, I'm going to tackle the living room and try to make some headway on the dishes. Then I have to find something enjoyable to do for the rest of the evening and maybe throw in some yoga (exercise for mental health and all that).
I'm feeling more in control, and this is important. It's stupid to act all crisis-mode about things, but I can feel my mind becoming less scattered and frenetic than it was just a few hours ago, so I know I'm doing the right thing.
Back... to Usual
I got back from Italy about two weeks ago. While I was there, I had a considerably healthier lifestyle in every way: I walked everywhere, I had energy, I ate well, I was active and happy. I lost close to 10 pounds and a full clothing size, and I really thought I had made lasting changes in my life.
The first few days I tried to convince myself that everything was going well. I'm not sure what even triggered it, but I quickly sunk back into a pretty deep depression, the likes of which I really thought I'd left behind.
Lately I've been experiencing pretty massive hypersomnia, sleeping up to 16 or 18 hours a day and still falling asleep if I sit still. Most days it's remarkable if I wake up before 3 or 4pm, and that just disgusts me on so many levels.
I was supposed to go with my boyfriend to visit his mother today, but I felt physically incapable of getting out of bed. He got so mad that he finally just stormed out the door without me and when I called and asked if I could drive up separately, he shouted that he didn't want to deal with me today. Things have been really bad between us since I got home, and I think that this kind of stuff is going to drive him away for good. Weirdly, even knowing this, I either can't or an unwilling to change my behaviors and the ways they affect him.
I did the same thing to my mother in Italy. Like, I was so mean to her I made her cry, several times, and I just didn't care. I don't even remember what I was fixating on, but it truly felt like no one else mattered - I was just entrenched in some private inhuman misery. I hate being this selfish and cruel, and I hate that I feel like I have no control over it.
As I'm approaching this coming semester, the financial, academic, and social anxiety are all but overwhelming, and daily I think I should either drop out entirely or take some time off because I know I'm not ready for my thesis. The things I could be doing in preparation, I'm refusing, opting instead to sit around and watch TV or sleep all day while wallowing in my confusion and worry.
Our apartment is an absolute disaster. The first few days I was home, I got all excited about domestic stuff, cooking, baking, and cleaning as much as I could. I was actually cheerful about doing laundry and reorganizing, thinking about how much nicer it was to have a constantly clean and tidy apartment in Italy. Then at some point I just stopped caring and slid back into the slovenly tendencies which have been driving my boyfriend and I crazy all this time. I leave garbage in the middle of the floor, I don't wash dishes until it becomes a huge task, I don't put anything away or clean anything, and for good measure, I haven't even been showering. Across the board, I've had this horrid "Why bother" feeling, which manifests itself in appalling ways.
For what it's worth, I've also gained weight since coming home, as I haven't even tried to maintain a healthful diet like I did abroad. It's been all baked goods, fatty meals, or fast food, and I see that I'm dragging my boyfriend down with me.
I had a glimmer of hope when I found an affordable city fitness center with a full-size pool a few subway stops from my apartment. I had this thought that I could get on a regular swimming schedule and it would be both meditative and aerobic, and I had this notion of reclaiming the person I used to be in high school (when I swam year-round and was much fitter and healthier). I got all excited about it while I was at my parents' house, and I went out and spent too much money on a new bathing suit, goggles, and swim cap. I also bought a yoga mat, thinking I'd like to take that up too.
Then when I got home, I just became deflated. My boyfriend wasn't at all interested in joining this fitness center or even in coming with me to check it out before I registered. He kind of scoffed at the whole idea, saying I'd never go, just like I never went to the gym when I was a member. I tried to argue that this was different, because I could go to it by subway and didn't have to spend time in traffic or circling for parking, but he maintained his skepticism. Instead of going through with it anyway, I just let myself feel defeated and hopeless and put off going all week. I want to say I'll go tomorrow, but really, I don't want to disappoint myself anymore, especially if I sleep until the afternoon and miss registration hours yet again.
The thing is, I know this feeling all too well, and I know this is not normal. I spent several years in undergrad like this, and I recognize that I'm pretty deeply depressed. I want to get help and take control of it, but I know that I can't afford to see a counselor or therapist, and I really wouldn't want to go on medication again, seeing as that is a significant part of how I became so overweight in the first place.
I read an article on Helping Yourself Out of Depression (since I do love the DIY mentality), and it rang of common sense and seemed reasonable. I mean obviously, if I want to feel better, I should start exercising again, since that is what made me feel better in Italy. This is also one of the things I'm really mad at myself for, so I can kill two birds with one stone. Getting better control of my diet and sleep are obvious no-brainers, yet wow, they're hard to do. Reengaging in the activities I've completely stopped since coming home will be good for me, and it will help me alleviate my back-to-school anxiety because I will be - gasp! - doing something to help myself.
The only part of the puzzle I can't manage is what to say or do regarding my family and boyfriend. The last time I told people I was depressed, they tried to talk me out of getting treatment, then said it was just an excuse for laziness. I remember my mom sending me an email saying I wasn't depressed, I was just really immature and needed to grow up instead of indulging myself in an expensive treatment. When I try to express things that make me unhappy or tell people the things they do which make me feel worthless, they laugh it off and tell me I'm being childish and oversensitive. My boyfriend always tells me it's choices that I make and flaws in my own character which let me feel depressed, as he seems to believe that at any time I could just pull myself up by the boot-straps and get on with life.
I don't want to tell people that this isn't me, because not only will they not believe it, but I'll lose any credibility with things I say to them in the future. I can already hear my mom saying "Oh, she's doing that depression thing again, ugh," as if I've joined some cult.
I know that the conditional support I get from my family and boyfriend contribute significantly to my anxiety and faltering confidence, but any time I say anything to them or ask for help, they think I'm blaming them and get all defensive.
I guess I've just convinced myself I'm on my own in this. To set some reasonably attainable goals for myself, I will:
1) Get showered and dressed.
2) Get out of the apartment today. Go to the grocery store and take a walk to find where my car is parked, check if I have to move it tomorrow.
3) Wash the dishes and tidy up the apartment.
4) Cook something for dinner and try to get to bed at a remotely decent hour.
Now I have to confess my alternate plan - stay up through the night so I can go to the fitness center in the morning and register. We'll see.
I'll check back in soon and monitor things. I have to believe I'm capable of fixing this.
The first few days I tried to convince myself that everything was going well. I'm not sure what even triggered it, but I quickly sunk back into a pretty deep depression, the likes of which I really thought I'd left behind.
Lately I've been experiencing pretty massive hypersomnia, sleeping up to 16 or 18 hours a day and still falling asleep if I sit still. Most days it's remarkable if I wake up before 3 or 4pm, and that just disgusts me on so many levels.
I was supposed to go with my boyfriend to visit his mother today, but I felt physically incapable of getting out of bed. He got so mad that he finally just stormed out the door without me and when I called and asked if I could drive up separately, he shouted that he didn't want to deal with me today. Things have been really bad between us since I got home, and I think that this kind of stuff is going to drive him away for good. Weirdly, even knowing this, I either can't or an unwilling to change my behaviors and the ways they affect him.
I did the same thing to my mother in Italy. Like, I was so mean to her I made her cry, several times, and I just didn't care. I don't even remember what I was fixating on, but it truly felt like no one else mattered - I was just entrenched in some private inhuman misery. I hate being this selfish and cruel, and I hate that I feel like I have no control over it.
As I'm approaching this coming semester, the financial, academic, and social anxiety are all but overwhelming, and daily I think I should either drop out entirely or take some time off because I know I'm not ready for my thesis. The things I could be doing in preparation, I'm refusing, opting instead to sit around and watch TV or sleep all day while wallowing in my confusion and worry.
Our apartment is an absolute disaster. The first few days I was home, I got all excited about domestic stuff, cooking, baking, and cleaning as much as I could. I was actually cheerful about doing laundry and reorganizing, thinking about how much nicer it was to have a constantly clean and tidy apartment in Italy. Then at some point I just stopped caring and slid back into the slovenly tendencies which have been driving my boyfriend and I crazy all this time. I leave garbage in the middle of the floor, I don't wash dishes until it becomes a huge task, I don't put anything away or clean anything, and for good measure, I haven't even been showering. Across the board, I've had this horrid "Why bother" feeling, which manifests itself in appalling ways.
For what it's worth, I've also gained weight since coming home, as I haven't even tried to maintain a healthful diet like I did abroad. It's been all baked goods, fatty meals, or fast food, and I see that I'm dragging my boyfriend down with me.
I had a glimmer of hope when I found an affordable city fitness center with a full-size pool a few subway stops from my apartment. I had this thought that I could get on a regular swimming schedule and it would be both meditative and aerobic, and I had this notion of reclaiming the person I used to be in high school (when I swam year-round and was much fitter and healthier). I got all excited about it while I was at my parents' house, and I went out and spent too much money on a new bathing suit, goggles, and swim cap. I also bought a yoga mat, thinking I'd like to take that up too.
Then when I got home, I just became deflated. My boyfriend wasn't at all interested in joining this fitness center or even in coming with me to check it out before I registered. He kind of scoffed at the whole idea, saying I'd never go, just like I never went to the gym when I was a member. I tried to argue that this was different, because I could go to it by subway and didn't have to spend time in traffic or circling for parking, but he maintained his skepticism. Instead of going through with it anyway, I just let myself feel defeated and hopeless and put off going all week. I want to say I'll go tomorrow, but really, I don't want to disappoint myself anymore, especially if I sleep until the afternoon and miss registration hours yet again.
The thing is, I know this feeling all too well, and I know this is not normal. I spent several years in undergrad like this, and I recognize that I'm pretty deeply depressed. I want to get help and take control of it, but I know that I can't afford to see a counselor or therapist, and I really wouldn't want to go on medication again, seeing as that is a significant part of how I became so overweight in the first place.
I read an article on Helping Yourself Out of Depression (since I do love the DIY mentality), and it rang of common sense and seemed reasonable. I mean obviously, if I want to feel better, I should start exercising again, since that is what made me feel better in Italy. This is also one of the things I'm really mad at myself for, so I can kill two birds with one stone. Getting better control of my diet and sleep are obvious no-brainers, yet wow, they're hard to do. Reengaging in the activities I've completely stopped since coming home will be good for me, and it will help me alleviate my back-to-school anxiety because I will be - gasp! - doing something to help myself.
The only part of the puzzle I can't manage is what to say or do regarding my family and boyfriend. The last time I told people I was depressed, they tried to talk me out of getting treatment, then said it was just an excuse for laziness. I remember my mom sending me an email saying I wasn't depressed, I was just really immature and needed to grow up instead of indulging myself in an expensive treatment. When I try to express things that make me unhappy or tell people the things they do which make me feel worthless, they laugh it off and tell me I'm being childish and oversensitive. My boyfriend always tells me it's choices that I make and flaws in my own character which let me feel depressed, as he seems to believe that at any time I could just pull myself up by the boot-straps and get on with life.
I don't want to tell people that this isn't me, because not only will they not believe it, but I'll lose any credibility with things I say to them in the future. I can already hear my mom saying "Oh, she's doing that depression thing again, ugh," as if I've joined some cult.
I know that the conditional support I get from my family and boyfriend contribute significantly to my anxiety and faltering confidence, but any time I say anything to them or ask for help, they think I'm blaming them and get all defensive.
I guess I've just convinced myself I'm on my own in this. To set some reasonably attainable goals for myself, I will:
1) Get showered and dressed.
2) Get out of the apartment today. Go to the grocery store and take a walk to find where my car is parked, check if I have to move it tomorrow.
3) Wash the dishes and tidy up the apartment.
4) Cook something for dinner and try to get to bed at a remotely decent hour.
Now I have to confess my alternate plan - stay up through the night so I can go to the fitness center in the morning and register. We'll see.
I'll check back in soon and monitor things. I have to believe I'm capable of fixing this.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Today's the Day
I leave for Italy today!
Most likely, I won't be updating this site while I am away. I have serious intents to redouble my weight loss efforts upon my return, so please bookmark me or subscribe to this site's feed if you'd like to stay in touch.
I will return to both the US and dieting in August.
Have a great summer!
Most likely, I won't be updating this site while I am away. I have serious intents to redouble my weight loss efforts upon my return, so please bookmark me or subscribe to this site's feed if you'd like to stay in touch.
I will return to both the US and dieting in August.
Have a great summer!
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Hour of Weakness
I don't know what's wrong with me, but it seems I'm intent on sabotaging every attempt I make at losing weight.
Today it started with low-sugar Eskimo Pie ice cream bars. They're delicious - vanilla ice cream covered in dark chocolate. They're also 13 grams of carbs each.
I had one this morning, then I had several grams of carbs in my dinner (leftover sausage with orange peppers in spicy tomato sauce, and not enough of it). That should have been the end of my carbs for the day, but I just wasn't satisfied.
I had another ice cream, trying to rationalize that going over by a few grams wouldn't kill me. Then, and completely without thinking, I had another. What the hell? I can't even understand how or when that happened. There were suddenly two popsicle sticks in front of me.
So then I thought that if I'd blown it, I should do an hour of carbs (I seriously think this is just an excuse for screwing up a low-carb diet, but I keep putting off researching it). I had liverwurst on a Wasa flatbread. I had monterey jack cheese melted on Wheat Thins. I even had a few scrapes out of an old jar of Nutella. To cap it off, I had yet another ice cream bar. Argh.
I'm ashamed to admit I was tempted to order pizza or go out for fast food or even walk to a bodega and buy cookies, thinking it was too bad we didn't have more desirable carby treats around the apartment. Thankfully I stopped myself before it got even worse, but it feels lousy to have let myself get so out of control. I was even thinking "It's only another week or two before I leave for the summer, I should just give up Atkins now and enjoy myself." Sigh.
When am I going to change?
Today it started with low-sugar Eskimo Pie ice cream bars. They're delicious - vanilla ice cream covered in dark chocolate. They're also 13 grams of carbs each.
I had one this morning, then I had several grams of carbs in my dinner (leftover sausage with orange peppers in spicy tomato sauce, and not enough of it). That should have been the end of my carbs for the day, but I just wasn't satisfied.
I had another ice cream, trying to rationalize that going over by a few grams wouldn't kill me. Then, and completely without thinking, I had another. What the hell? I can't even understand how or when that happened. There were suddenly two popsicle sticks in front of me.
So then I thought that if I'd blown it, I should do an hour of carbs (I seriously think this is just an excuse for screwing up a low-carb diet, but I keep putting off researching it). I had liverwurst on a Wasa flatbread. I had monterey jack cheese melted on Wheat Thins. I even had a few scrapes out of an old jar of Nutella. To cap it off, I had yet another ice cream bar. Argh.
I'm ashamed to admit I was tempted to order pizza or go out for fast food or even walk to a bodega and buy cookies, thinking it was too bad we didn't have more desirable carby treats around the apartment. Thankfully I stopped myself before it got even worse, but it feels lousy to have let myself get so out of control. I was even thinking "It's only another week or two before I leave for the summer, I should just give up Atkins now and enjoy myself." Sigh.
When am I going to change?
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Revving Up
I just read this article on revving up one's metabolism, and I think I'm making several critical errors.
First, I am not drinking nearly enough water. I try to get it in from sugar-free iced tea or Jello or similar, but I really don't have enough of that to offset the amount of sodium and caffeine I'm consuming from diet sodas. What I didn't realize, however, is that running slightly dehydrated actually decreases metabolic rate. Therefore, I'm going to redouble my efforts to drink at least 64 oz of water a day and cut back on soda. I imagine that will have some nice skin and hair benefits too.
The second major thing that it's taking me too long to realize is that not eating enough, waiting until really late in the day, or going an excessively long time between meals, causes my metabolism to slow. When blood sugar drops, the body stores energy as fat. It seems so simple, but it's so easy to think "Ehn, I'm fat enough, I don't really need to eat." So even though it feels like work to have to squeeze in regular meals and snacks throughout the day, I think it's something I need to make a concerted effort toward. Atkins is perhaps problematic because it reduces hunger so much that I often go as long as ten or twelve hours without eating - I can't imagine my metabolism keeps working in that time.
Lastly, and I've been harping on myself about this one for this whole process - I need to develop muscle tone and become aerobically active. Period. End of story.
So I need to remember these things the next time I find myself staring at the scale and thinking "But I haven't eaten carbs - why am I back up to 179?" I know why, and I know that there is no magic solution or lazy way out. I can make this work, and I know how. I just have to have the discipline to do it.
First, I am not drinking nearly enough water. I try to get it in from sugar-free iced tea or Jello or similar, but I really don't have enough of that to offset the amount of sodium and caffeine I'm consuming from diet sodas. What I didn't realize, however, is that running slightly dehydrated actually decreases metabolic rate. Therefore, I'm going to redouble my efforts to drink at least 64 oz of water a day and cut back on soda. I imagine that will have some nice skin and hair benefits too.
The second major thing that it's taking me too long to realize is that not eating enough, waiting until really late in the day, or going an excessively long time between meals, causes my metabolism to slow. When blood sugar drops, the body stores energy as fat. It seems so simple, but it's so easy to think "Ehn, I'm fat enough, I don't really need to eat." So even though it feels like work to have to squeeze in regular meals and snacks throughout the day, I think it's something I need to make a concerted effort toward. Atkins is perhaps problematic because it reduces hunger so much that I often go as long as ten or twelve hours without eating - I can't imagine my metabolism keeps working in that time.
Lastly, and I've been harping on myself about this one for this whole process - I need to develop muscle tone and become aerobically active. Period. End of story.
So I need to remember these things the next time I find myself staring at the scale and thinking "But I haven't eaten carbs - why am I back up to 179?" I know why, and I know that there is no magic solution or lazy way out. I can make this work, and I know how. I just have to have the discipline to do it.
Two Creamy Recipes
Recently I've made two really tasty carb-free dishes, and I thought it would be a good idea to record the recipes here.
Chicken Primavera Alfredo
Ingredients
Preparation
Cook chicken. I used a George Foreman grill, but it could be boiled, roasted, or otherwise heated through by any method. Slice into bite-size pieces.
Meanwhile, chop and sautée garlic and onion in a skillet with hot olive oil. Cook until onions are translucent. Add stir-fry vegetables and mushrooms, and heat to desired softness, covering to steam. Toss with chicken.
In a separate saucepan, heat butter and cream until butter is melted. Remove from heat, add Parmesan cheese, salt & pepper, and stir until smooth.
Pour Alfredo sauce over chicken and vegetable mixture. Top with Parmesan or Romano cheese, and serve hot.
This recipe makes a very large amount with lots of leftovers - it can easily be halved or otherwise divided. Alfredo sauce recipe comes from this source.
**************************
Thin Beef and Spinach in Three Cheese Cream Sauce
Ingredients
Preparation
Thinly slice onion and sautée with garlic in a skillet with hot oil. Heat until onions are translucent. Add steaks and cover to heat through. Using two wooden spoons, cut up steaks into small pieces. Add salt, peppers, and Worcestershire sauce to flavor. Add package of spinach and cover to steam.
When spinach has fully defrosted, stir in cream, cream cheese, crumbled Feta, and Romano cheese. Combine to a creamy sauce, and flavor to taste. Serve hot.
This basic recipe can be adapted to the ingredients on hand, for example using more beef or other vegetables. Sliced mushrooms would make an especially suitable addition.
**************************
So, I hope you enjoy these recipes if you choose to prepare them. They are definitely tasty and a nice change of pace from the sometimes greasy, overly salty Atkins dishes we usually prepare.
Chicken Primavera Alfredo
Ingredients
- 4 whole boneless, skinless chicken breasts
- 2 medium onions
- minced garlic
- 2 packages stir-fry vegetables (includes broccoli florets, pea pods, shredded zucchini, carrot etc)
- 8 oz sliced mushrooms
- 1 cup butter or margarine
- 1-1/3 cup heavy cream
- 2-1/2 cups grated Parmesan cheese
- salt & fresh ground pepper to taste
Preparation
Cook chicken. I used a George Foreman grill, but it could be boiled, roasted, or otherwise heated through by any method. Slice into bite-size pieces.
Meanwhile, chop and sautée garlic and onion in a skillet with hot olive oil. Cook until onions are translucent. Add stir-fry vegetables and mushrooms, and heat to desired softness, covering to steam. Toss with chicken.
In a separate saucepan, heat butter and cream until butter is melted. Remove from heat, add Parmesan cheese, salt & pepper, and stir until smooth.
Pour Alfredo sauce over chicken and vegetable mixture. Top with Parmesan or Romano cheese, and serve hot.
This recipe makes a very large amount with lots of leftovers - it can easily be halved or otherwise divided. Alfredo sauce recipe comes from this source.
**************************
Thin Beef and Spinach in Three Cheese Cream Sauce
Ingredients
- 3 Steak-Ummms minute steaks or thinly sliced shaved beef
- large onion
- package of frozen chopped spinach
- minced garlic
- 1/2 cup heavy cream
- 4-5 oz cream cheese
- 3 oz crumbled Feta cheese
- 1/2 cup grated Romano cheese
- ground red pepper
- several dashes Worcestershire sauce
- salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
Preparation
Thinly slice onion and sautée with garlic in a skillet with hot oil. Heat until onions are translucent. Add steaks and cover to heat through. Using two wooden spoons, cut up steaks into small pieces. Add salt, peppers, and Worcestershire sauce to flavor. Add package of spinach and cover to steam.
When spinach has fully defrosted, stir in cream, cream cheese, crumbled Feta, and Romano cheese. Combine to a creamy sauce, and flavor to taste. Serve hot.
This basic recipe can be adapted to the ingredients on hand, for example using more beef or other vegetables. Sliced mushrooms would make an especially suitable addition.
**************************
So, I hope you enjoy these recipes if you choose to prepare them. They are definitely tasty and a nice change of pace from the sometimes greasy, overly salty Atkins dishes we usually prepare.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Faltering
Not surprisingly, I'm feeling stymied with Atkins. When I was visiting my family last week, they all kept saying really kind things. I hadn't seen them since March, and both of my parents kept saying I'd lost a ton of weight and looked a lot better. Therefore I thought that, though feeble, my efforts with the Glycemic Impact diet and then Atkins had actually paid off.
Later that weekend, my mother and I went clothes shopping. It was so strange because almost everything I put on fit perfectly. It was flattering, and I didn't look as horrifyingly huge as I expected to, even in a 3-way store mirror. For the first time in a long time, I fit very comfortably into specific sizes (cringe-worthy still, but that is not the point), so I could pick things off the wrack, check out the shape, and know it would look good.
I was pleased and thinking finally, I was making progress in the War on Fat.
This week is a totally different story. I weighed myself this morning and was back up to 178. I was peering in the mirror wondering "Am I retaining water, or have I gained weight back?" This questioning drives me crazy, the doubting, the insecurity, and the unshakable belief that I was just deluding myself trying to lose weight with Atkins anyway.
My boyfriend (rightly) maintains that if I really want to lose weight, I need to exercise. He suggested slowly working carbs back into my diet and picking up some kind of aerobic activity. Unfortunately my gym membership just expired two days ago, and I purposefully did not renew it because I only went once in the past two years.
I understand the equation so clearly it's ridiculous:
I've said before (and recently) that as long as the exercise stays at zero, it will continue to produce zero as my weight loss result as well.
I own so many home exercise books and videos that I should surely be able to find something I enjoy, right? I have weights, I have a yoga mat, I have a big open floor in my apartment where I can do pilates or the NYC Ballet Workout... we even have an exercise bike taking up tons of space in the office, but I am loathe to work out here, from some combination of vanity (don't want my boyfriend to see me) and arrogance (don't want to admit to myself how badly out of shape I am).
I own three or four pairs of barely-used sneakers and a whole wardrobe full of never-used exercise clothing. At any time I choose, I could put some of that on, walk outside, and wander around this big city I inhabit. I even have roller blades I could take to the park.
So what is keeping me from this? Why do I patently refuse to do anything to improve myself or my condition?
I'm going to be leaving the country in something like two weeks. I'll have a suitcase full of new clothes in a shamefully large size, and my visions of traipsing along the streets glamorous and floating on air will more likely resemble waddling along on a squat frame, trudging about with thighs rubbing together, exhausted from the simple effort of going about my day and moving 60 extra pounds around everywhere I go.
It's not just struggling with my appearance, either. I do really worry about my health, my body, and my quality of life as a consequence of neglecting both. I don't want to find myself thinking about getting married or having children and still failing to reach a healthy weight. I don't want to be 40 or 50 and still telling myself "I used to be an athlete" or "When I was 17, I was really thin."
Why do I choose food and laziness over everything else? Why do I take what should be a sacred gift and abuse it as if I hate it? I don't like the person I am when I can't be bothered to exercise or when I make short-term decisions like "the flavor of this ice cream right now is more important than living to know my grandchildren."
I don't want to develop diabetes or heart trouble. I don't want to have a shortened lifespan because I have no self-control. What's more, I don't want to spend the rest of my life tired, struggling anytime I have to move my body, feeling weighed down and listless because I am so overweight.
I think this is enough whining. I'm painfully aware that everything I'm unhappy about is my own fault, and that the only person in the world who can help me out with this is me. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm mad at myself. I'm frustrated with the situation, and it's incredibly tempting right now to just say "Screw it," throw in the towel, and pig out the rest of the time I'm here since, yknow, how much could I possibly lose in two weeks anyway right?
I'm going to be disciplined and stop acting like a brat just because I'm having some set-backs. I hope that tomorrow I can start making some more productive changes in my life and get myself together already.
Later that weekend, my mother and I went clothes shopping. It was so strange because almost everything I put on fit perfectly. It was flattering, and I didn't look as horrifyingly huge as I expected to, even in a 3-way store mirror. For the first time in a long time, I fit very comfortably into specific sizes (cringe-worthy still, but that is not the point), so I could pick things off the wrack, check out the shape, and know it would look good.
I was pleased and thinking finally, I was making progress in the War on Fat.
This week is a totally different story. I weighed myself this morning and was back up to 178. I was peering in the mirror wondering "Am I retaining water, or have I gained weight back?" This questioning drives me crazy, the doubting, the insecurity, and the unshakable belief that I was just deluding myself trying to lose weight with Atkins anyway.
My boyfriend (rightly) maintains that if I really want to lose weight, I need to exercise. He suggested slowly working carbs back into my diet and picking up some kind of aerobic activity. Unfortunately my gym membership just expired two days ago, and I purposefully did not renew it because I only went once in the past two years.
I understand the equation so clearly it's ridiculous:
weight loss = diet x exercise
I've said before (and recently) that as long as the exercise stays at zero, it will continue to produce zero as my weight loss result as well.
I own so many home exercise books and videos that I should surely be able to find something I enjoy, right? I have weights, I have a yoga mat, I have a big open floor in my apartment where I can do pilates or the NYC Ballet Workout... we even have an exercise bike taking up tons of space in the office, but I am loathe to work out here, from some combination of vanity (don't want my boyfriend to see me) and arrogance (don't want to admit to myself how badly out of shape I am).
I own three or four pairs of barely-used sneakers and a whole wardrobe full of never-used exercise clothing. At any time I choose, I could put some of that on, walk outside, and wander around this big city I inhabit. I even have roller blades I could take to the park.
So what is keeping me from this? Why do I patently refuse to do anything to improve myself or my condition?
I'm going to be leaving the country in something like two weeks. I'll have a suitcase full of new clothes in a shamefully large size, and my visions of traipsing along the streets glamorous and floating on air will more likely resemble waddling along on a squat frame, trudging about with thighs rubbing together, exhausted from the simple effort of going about my day and moving 60 extra pounds around everywhere I go.
It's not just struggling with my appearance, either. I do really worry about my health, my body, and my quality of life as a consequence of neglecting both. I don't want to find myself thinking about getting married or having children and still failing to reach a healthy weight. I don't want to be 40 or 50 and still telling myself "I used to be an athlete" or "When I was 17, I was really thin."
Why do I choose food and laziness over everything else? Why do I take what should be a sacred gift and abuse it as if I hate it? I don't like the person I am when I can't be bothered to exercise or when I make short-term decisions like "the flavor of this ice cream right now is more important than living to know my grandchildren."
I don't want to develop diabetes or heart trouble. I don't want to have a shortened lifespan because I have no self-control. What's more, I don't want to spend the rest of my life tired, struggling anytime I have to move my body, feeling weighed down and listless because I am so overweight.
I think this is enough whining. I'm painfully aware that everything I'm unhappy about is my own fault, and that the only person in the world who can help me out with this is me. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm mad at myself. I'm frustrated with the situation, and it's incredibly tempting right now to just say "Screw it," throw in the towel, and pig out the rest of the time I'm here since, yknow, how much could I possibly lose in two weeks anyway right?
I'm going to be disciplined and stop acting like a brat just because I'm having some set-backs. I hope that tomorrow I can start making some more productive changes in my life and get myself together already.
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