What It Means to Be Fat

Aside from worrying about my health and knowing I don't feel as well as I could most of the time, I realize that being overweight seriously does affect me every day in pervasive ways.

Each morning when I wake up, I put off showering as long as I can. I hate facing myself in the mirror and standing naked in the shower, staring down at my body and what I've let it become.

Getting dressed is always a challenge. I have way more clothing than I really need because none of it fits the way I want or looks the way I'd like. I am reluctant to part with any of my clothes, though, because even though I have a closet overstuffed with nothing to wear, it would be completely empty were I to remove everything I don't like wearing.

Instead of thinking of my comfort or the weather, I think about my flaws and how best I can disguise them. By the time I put an outfit together, I feel utterly defeated already, and if I was excited about what I had planned to do for the day, all enthusiasm has evaporated by the time I've dealt with clothing my body.

I am reluctant to go out and be seen in public. I don't like walking around my neighborhood or anywhere anyone might know me and see me looking awful. I won't ride my bike because I know I look repulsive. I avoid activities which are in any way physical or would call attention to my fatness, even those I used to love. I avoid going to the gym even though I realize that's the one place I'm allowed to look fat because it's where I can do something about it. I refuse to use the gym at my school because I'm afraid of being seen by classmates and professors. Instead I go to a gym that's a half-hour away, which makes it more time-consuming and makes me less likely to drive there. It should come as no surprise that I've gone exactly once this summer.

To be perfectly honest, if I get invited somewhere that there will be attractive and thin women (including my friends and family), my first impulse is to say no and try to avoid it. If I accept invitations, I spend the time leading up to events worrying, fretting that I don't have anything flattering to wear, dreading having to see people's reactions to my weight and appearance. More than a few times I've seen old friends give me sad looks which all but shouted "You used to be thin and pretty, but now I can't even remember what you looked like before you got so fat."

I resent my friends and family because I know they compare me unfavorably with other women. I feel guilty and ashamed when people see me with my boyfriend because we all know he deserves someone more attractive who takes better care of herself.

I avoid sex because I hate him touching my fat or seeing my body. I can't relax and let myself enjoy the intimacy or emotional experience because I'm constantly thinking how fat and out of shape I am. Instead of feeling pleasure, I feel disgust because I am reminded of my body and the mess I've made of it. I shy away from physical contact, and I maintain a problematic emotional distance from my boyfriend. I constantly fear he will reject me and I'm terribly afraid of his reactions to my appearance.

He has told me it's been a long while since he's found me physically attractive, and this breaks my heart every day.

I am reluctant to share my opinion or stand out at school because I don't want to call attention to myself. When I do speak up, I get distracted in the midst of discussion because I suddenly worry that my chin is wobbling or that people are looking at my arms when I'm gesticulating. I wish I could disappear most of the time.

I don't even enjoy being by myself. My thighs rub together when I walk and cause uncomfortable chaffing. My breasts and stomach roll over and I feel sick. It's so uncomfortable to wear a bra that the instant I get home I take it off, and I think everyday that I wish I didn't have to wear one.

Being overweight makes me think horribly mean things about myself and destroys my confidence about everything. I doubt my abilities and talents because I can't even control my body, let alone face the things I need to in my life. I think of my personality as weak, flawed, and full of excuses, and I let this carry into every other area of my life. I feel sorry for myself and mope instead of facing my problems.

Since I was twelve years old (if not younger), I've told myself I needed lose weight. My goals always started with "Lose weight" or "Get in shape," even when I was doing varsity sports and clinically underweight. In grade school, I hated myself and focused on thinking I was fat, and the absolute worst experience I could imagine would be my stomach growling during class. My entire life I've fantasized about looking athletic and thin, and I obsessed over the small bits of fat on my inner thighs or hips which defined me as a woman, thinking they were my huge flaws instead of the things which made me sexually appealing and not a skinny prepubescent girl.

I felt fat as a size one, and now that I'm actually fat as a size sixteen (sometimes 14 or 12), I can't believe it. When I see other people who weigh 180 pounds or wear my clothing size, I think "I can't possibly be that big" and try to rationalize my weight even though I know that yes, I really am obese. When I see photos of myself, I try to protect my ego by criticizing the photographer's use of unflattering angles or say it was an awkward pose, but I know that they've probably minimized how bad I actually look.

It seems superficial to be so upset about being overweight... and yet, I think about it constantly and it ruins a lot of experiences.

I want to lose this weight because I want to be able to respect myself and accept that I have self-control and discipline. I want my boyfriend to find me attractive again. Hell, I want to find myself attractive again. I am tired of trying to blend into the furniture - I want my body to match the personality I have inside, and I want to be able to do the things I like without worrying that - oh God - people are going to look at me and judge me for being fat.