Weigh-In Week Nineteen

187.5. Oh dear. It's as if I haven't lost any weight at all!

I had actually weighed myself on Saturday morning and was disappointed that I was at 184.5, thinking I hadn't made any progress... little did I know how much more destruction I was about to do.

Obviously I've been incredibly half-assed all this time and not even bathing-suit shopping or the beginning of summer dressing has encouraged me to get my act together. I don't really know what to do with myself except start over, again, with rigorous following of the meal plan and a serious attempt at exercise. Blargh.

Day One Hundred Twenty Eight

Breakfast

• omelette made with eggs, peppers & feta cheese (not pictured)

I stayed over my boyfriend's mother's house, and my boyfriend made omelettes for breakfast. He was so sweet, trying to approximate the peppers and eggs meal... unfortunately this was the only even remotely healthy thing I would eat today.

Afternoon Binge

• chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwich
• 1/2 giant peanut butter cookie
• bologna & cheese sandwich with mayonnaise

We stopped at a gas station on our drive home and pigged out on horrifying snacks. After this weekend's general gluttony, my boyfriend turned to me and asked "Wait, we're still not back on our diets??" We agreed to one more day of gut-busting unhealthfulness and then a concerted effort... again.

Evening Binge

• cheesy bread with garlic butter and marinara sauce
• chicken kickers with bleu cheese dipping sauce
• 1/2 thin-crust sausage pizza
• cinna-stix with vanilla icing

Yeah umm... poisoning myself with Domino's. Now that I am full of several pounds of disgusting food, I have about a half-ton of guilt and self-loathing to accompany it.

Diet? What diet? I really enjoy being fat... sigh...

Day One Hundred Twenty Seven

Breakfast
(not pictured)

• huevos rancheros - scrambled eggs, refried beans, salsa, 2 small flour tortillas, chipotle sour cream, chorizo

Our houseguests took us out to brunch. I didn't even attempt to find something healthy on the menu.

Lunch

• 1/2 chicken breast sandwich
• handful of fries
• chocolate lava cake

We went to a party in the afternoon and fortunately, there was not enough food or place-settings for me to partake in the delicious-looking pasta or many of the other items I saw other guests enjoying. I also had a Jack Daniels & Diet Coke to drink.

Evening

• hunk of fresh mozzarella
• chocolate-dipped mango coconut bar

Late at night, my boyfriend and I snacked at his mother's house in lieu of dinner. It would have been easy enough to scrounge up a healthy meal, but we were frankly too lazy and used the rationalization that we'd already blown it for the day by eating such an extravagant brunch.

Day One Hundred Twenty Six

(not pictured)
Breakfast

• Nathan's corn dog
• 1/2 portion of chili cheese fries

We were in Coney Island for the Mermaid Parade and, of course, my boyfriend and I agreed to skip the diets while we had guests visiting.

Snack

• McDonald's sundae with extra fudge

A respite from the thunderstorms, we stopped for ice cream.

Lunch & Dinner

• nachos with chorizo, jalapeno peppers, refried beans & cheese
• beef enchiladas & rice
• milkshake made with Haagen Dazs & stout beer

We had a group of friends over and ordered food. I used the occasion to make an absolute pig of myself. It worries me that I am still able to eat so very much when I give myself permission - one would think that at some point self-control would kick in and I would keep it within sensible boundaries.

Day One Hundred Twenty Five

Breakfast

• Total with almonds, wheat germ, sliced strawberries & milk

After such a debacle yesterday, I wanted something refreshing and light, and this meal was exactly the right idea. I realized that I usually start the days pretty healthy, and it's in my dinner-time decision-making that I blow the diet.

Lunch

• pita-bread pizza made with salsa, mushrooms & low-fat cheese
• strawberries

Committed to making responsible decisions today, I prepared both lunch and dinner at the same time. Ordinarily this would be made with spinach and tomato sauce, but as I had neither, I used some salsa - I reasoned that the vegetable content in the salsa could perhaps pass, though I realize it's not really the same.

Of course it was incredibly delicious and ultimately more satisfying than if I had ordered delivery pizza (as I'd had in mind).

Dinner

• pita-bread pizza made with salsa, mushrooms & low-fat cheese
• strawberries

Since I'd prepared this ahead, it was very easy to pop in the microwave and enjoy later. The salsa had soaked into the pita some, making it somehow more flavorful and gooey than the first, which I really enjoyed.

It felt good to eat healthy meals and gave me confidence that I wasn't a total screw-up with no will-power. Of course, we're having house-guests this weekend and my boyfriend and I already agreed we would just enjoy ourselves and eat whatever we wanted, so in a way, I realized I'm setting myself up to fail. Perhaps I can find a happy medium between food which is healthy and enjoyable.

Day One Hundred Twenty Four

Breakfast

• peppers & eggs with black pepper and parmesan cheese
• Triscuits
• vegetarian bacon
• strawberries
• skim milk

A terrible photo, but a fabulous meal. This time I'd used yellow pepper, which had a very different flavor than usual - a pleasant experience.

Lunch, Dinner, Snack

• pork egg roll
• chicken with cashews
• "brown" rice (which I think was regular rice cooked with soy sauce

I ate about most of the vegetables, chicken & cashews and left most of the rice, as it was greasy and salty and generally quite unappealing.

My boyfriend and I had waited until fairly late in the evening to think about food plans, then (because we're terrible influences on one another) we decided to order Chinese, which was an abyssmal error. I had thought I could approximate some of the stir-fry options on my plan with some kind of chicken and vegetable combination (though admittedly steamed chicken & veggies would have been a better choice than chicken & cashews), and I thought I'd make up for it with brown rice... though this particular place doesn't seem to know that brown rice is not just fried rice doused in soy sauce - blech!

My boyfriend's meal was even worse, and immediately after we had stomach aches and lamented such poor decision-making. We resolved to never order from that place again and agreed we should remember this experience when we want to "treat" ourselves with something unhealthy.

Day One Hundred Twenty Three

Breakfast

• Total with almonds, wheat germ, blueberries & milk

I think I could maybe eat this for every meal... it's just so delicious and satisfying.

Lunch

• hamburger on a whole wheat bun
• lettuce with fat-free Italian dressing
• strawberries

My boyfriend was making himself one of those fabulous ground-beef saute Atkins combinations (one could also substitute the phrase "magical stoner creation" and maintain striking accuracy) and kindly offered to make me a hamburger, which I enjoyed immensely. Often I forget how easy it is to make a simple, allowed meal - it's just a hamburger, right?

Snack

• low-fat cheese-flavored soy crisps with unsweetened cranberry juice

After my hamburger for lunch, the cheese flavor was especially satisfying. I will have to keep my eye out for this variety in the future!

Dinner

• Total with almonds, wheat germ, blueberries & milk

Just before bed I realized I'd forgotten to prepare dinner. I didn't bother mixing the ingredients together before I photographed this (and I blasted them with flash too), and so I guess you can get a more accurate idea of the distribution - there's really a lot of blueberries!

Day One Hundred Twenty Two

Breakfast

• Total with almonds, blueberries, wheat germ & milk

I was about to pull out my trusty box of raisins when I remembered the blueberries sitting in my fridge, and I got more enthusiastic about breakfast than I've been in a long while.

If it's been a while since you've had fresh blueberries with cereal, you owe it to yourself to have some as soon as possible - what a treat!

Lunch

• McDonald's 10-piece chicken nuggets

My boyfriend was going to McDonald's to pick himself up some double cheeseburgers and asked if he could get me a salad or somesuch. Not wanting to guess at what was allowed, I went onto the diet website to look up exact substitutions provided. Imagine my intense delight to learn I was allowed to have ten chicken McNuggets!!! Sure, I couldn't have any sauce or anything else with my meal but honestly? Who cares. Chicken McNuggets!

Meanwhile, my boyfriend chowed down on six hamburger patties with cheese. He actually suggested I take a comparison photo:

Personally, I think I got the better end of things.

Dinner

• cereal with almonds, wheat germ, blueberries & milk

Even though my lunch was allowed by the meal plan, I felt like I'd cheated and I think I was planning to skip dinner. Fortunately, hunger struck late in the evening and I had cereal, which is quickly becoming an obsession with the addition of blueberries.

Snack

• low-fat cheese-flavored soy crisps with unsweetened cranberry juice

These tasted like Cheetos or some other fantastically unhealthy processed cheese snack food, yet they were even healthier than the garlic & onion soy chips I usually eat - what a treat!

Day One Hundred Twenty One

Breakfast

• Total with almonds, raisins, wheat germ & milk

Back home, and back to my standard meals. Cannot complain, as I always love the whole grain Total, but I will admit, I sort of craved the Special K. Maybe I will pick up a box next time I'm buying cereal.

Snack

• Triscuits with jalapeno hummus
• skim milk

I realized just how much I prefer the spicy three pepper hummus to the jalapeno. It seems like they should taste almost the same and yet... no dice. Again, will have to look for it next time I'm running low. I kept chuckling while preparing this, saying "you-muss" to myself in my father's style.

Lunch

• red pepper stuffed with tofu, rice, corn, onion, garlic, mozzarella, oregano & parsley
• blueberries

I ate this meal in waves. To prepare the peppers, you first have to cook the filling, then bake the peppers with the filling stuffed in. Now last time I made them, more than half of the filling didn't fit in the peppers, so I used the biggest peppers I could find and still had quite a bit left over. While the peppers cooked, I ate that and noticed it's a different flavor without soaking in the pepper's juices, but every so often I'd hit upon a cluster of cheese and garlic and it was fabulous.

By the time the pepper came out of the oven I wasn't sure I was hungry, but having gotten a taste of the way the tofu absorbed the red pepper flavor, I suddenly found a lot of appetite. It was delicious.

After enjoying my New Jersey blueberries so much I decided to get some myself, and I was very pleased to find some that were definitely up to par. Just goes to show, I have to look more carefully when I'm at the store. $4.99 for a pint though... ouch.

Dinner

• red pepper stuffed with tofu, rice, corn, onion, garlic, mozzarella, oregano & parsley
• mozzarella

After sitting for a while and then getting reheated, the filling absorbed even more flavor and became fantastic. Weirdly, the microwave softened the pepper's skin more than baking it all that time did, so it more closely resembled roast pepper in texture. I contemplated preparing it that way in the future (seeing as the filling is already cooked and warmed)... will have to see.

Day One Hundred Twenty

Breakfast

• Special K red berries with skim milk

Even when I'm in a different state, I still have my stand-bys. Hard to argue with simplicity.

Lunch

• hamburger on potato roll with ketchup
• mesclun salad with fat-free Italian dressing
• blueberries

My father repeatedly said that I had the best hamburger cooked in New Jersey today... and I may have to agree. I forgot how wonderful blueberries were, particularly fresh New Jersey berries - they were divine. I'm so happy to find decent produce, and I wish more markets in Brooklyn were better stocked (I can't believe I'm saying that, considering all the farmer's markets in NY... but the ones closest to my apartment are dreadful).

Dinner

• grilled chicken breast with green beans and tater tots
• sliced strawberries sprinkled with Splenda

While my dad prepared this chicken for me, he grilled up some sausage patties for my brother, who I knew would eat them with cheese. It was very tempting to give in to the dark side of temptation, but my dad was so accomodating and made such a lovely piece of chicken that I couldn't possibly.

As it turned out, it was delicious and so flavorful - I forget how good chicken can be when it's not cooked in a broiler or stove-top, and it makes me wish sometimes that we had a backyard for grilling, or at least a sidewalk hibachi.

I had the strawberries later for dessert, and they were just a little slice of heaven.

Snack
skipped.

I was up late working on a paper and completely forgot. Ah well.

Day One Hundred Nineteen

Lunch

• hamburger on potato roll with ketchup
• grapes

I went to visit my parents this weekend, so I started the day with the lunch meal. I ate the grapes later in the afternoon, though I forgot to eat a vegetable... perhaps I will have to do like my school board used to and count ketchup as a veggie.

Breakfast

• Special K Red Berries with almonds & skim milk

We went grocery shopping, where I was able to pick up almonds to have with the cereal my mom already had. They did not have wheat germ (though really, do you know a lot of people who ordinarily do?), but I forgot to get any, so I ommitted it.

Dinner

• grilled T-bone steak, sauteed mushrooms
• mesclun salad with fat-free Italian dressing
• tater tots

My father grilled up some delicious steaks - it was difficult to only take the few ounces I was allowed. I did indulge in mushrooms (sauteed in butter & salt), but since I'd gone hiking in the afternoon I figured it was vaguely permissible.

I know that tater tots do not equal healthy fries or a baked potato, and I completely forgot to have a fruit... but at least I tried to eat within the meal plan. Heh. Yeah it sounds as lame in writing as it did trying to rationalize it in my head.

As it happens, my mom is on NutriSystem, my brother is on Atkins, and I'm doing my diet, so we had four versions of dinner served that night. Quite an interesting preparation scene in the kitchen.

Snack

• Triscuits with spicy three pepper hummus
• skim milk

They had my very favorite kind of hummus at the grocery, so I picked up a tub, figuring I can leave it at my parents' and have it when I'm there to visit. My father repeatedly gave quizzical looks at it and pronounced it "you-muss," as in "you-muss?? what's this stuff made of?" It occurred to me that there is a whole spectrum of healthy foods that some people never have, or are never exposed to, especially if they write them off as "weird vegetarian hippie stuff" the way my father did with this.

However, the snack was fabulous and just what I wanted in the late evening. Unfortunately, I didn't look up the serving size online and ate 5 Triscuits instead of the alotted three... I think I've been doing this recently, so I will have to be careful and not assume I know all the portions.

Weigh-In Week Eighteen

184 pounds.

It's actually been so long since I've recorded my weight here that I forget if this is good or bad.

Once I finish my backlog of posts, I'll update on whether I've made progress or not.

Day One Hundred Nineteen

Breakfast

• Light Caesar salad

No, I haven't mislabelled or inserted the wrong photo - I had this salad for breakfast, and it was wonderful. I was having a sort of lazy day, awaking late, so technically it was lunch time by the time I prepared it, and when my boyfriend pointed out that half the salad kit's lettuce was suspect, I quickly tried to salvage the rest (of course, using the entire packet of dressing). Realizing how many calories exist in such a salad kit (light dressing aside), I decided I should count it as a meal, and I'm pretty sure I swilled some more cranberry juice to balance.

Snack

• Triscuits, jalapeno hummus, skim milk

I found the hummus more satisfactorily spicy this time and thoroughly enjoyed the combination of creamy milk flavor with zesty pepper.

Lunch

• peppers & eggs with parmesan and black pepper
• Triscuits
• vegetarian bacon
• sliced kiwi sprinkled with Splenda
• skim milk

When I started rooting around the fridge for lunch-type ingredients, I found myself only desiring peppers and eggs, so peppers and eggs it was.

Something about breakfast meals makes me think they should be eaten all day round, except at breakfast time, apparently.

Dinner
skipped.

I had a really skull-crushingly awful headache and was busy sweating and packing for a trip this weekend. I couldn't be bothered to put anything together and just needed to be unconscious... though I am aware a nutritious meal probably could have helped the headache situation.

Day One Hundred Eighteen

Breakfast

• peppers & eggs with parmesan and black pepper
• vegetarian bacon
• Triscuits
• watermelon

By and large you can't mess with perfection. Unfortunately this watermelon was perhaps the worst watermelon I've ever had... it was practically flavorless and so mushy it fell apart in my mouth. I ate it all anyway since yknow, lycopene, but still. Blech.

Snack

• garlic & onion soy crisps
• light cranberry juice

Even though these chips were mostly crumbs, they were delicious and very enjoyable. I will admit, after I tired of picking up individual pieces with my fingertips, I started laying my tongue down on the plate and gathering a mouthful. Disgusting, yes, but a highly-recommended method of consumption.

Lunch

• tomato & broccoli cheese casserole (made with whole wheat vermicelli)
• cranberry juice (not pictured)

I've been procrastinating preparing this meal for days, but when faced with letting several dollars' worth of tomatoes go bad, I forced myself to cook. It's never as bad as I think it will be, but the amount of steps and dishes I have to dirty in the process always discourages me. Fortunately, it is exceedingly flavorful, so my efforts were well rewarded.

At the time I actually forgot to pick a fruit to go with it (fearing the watermelon remaining in my fridge), but I kept sipping cranberry juice until it added up to a serving size and decided that was adequate.

Dinner

• tomato & broccoli cheese casserole

Of course perhaps the best part of making this dish is that I get to eat it twice, though the let-down once I've finished the second serving is immeasurable. I am beginning to think I should perhaps quadruple the recipe to make it stretch a little more, but since I always eat one serving in a row after another, I'm not sure I can handle four meals of casserole... who am I kidding, of course I could!

I found myself again with no desire for fruit but a high desire for more cranberry juice, and so I supplemented accordingly again.

Day One Hundred Seventeen

Breakfast

• cereal with almonds, raisins, wheat germ & skim milk

This is probably my most commonly-eaten meal, and I'm glad I usually have the ingredients on hand. Eating this keeps me from making really bad decisions first thing in the morning (or whenever I have it) and sets me solidly on track for the day.

Lunch

• peppers & eggs, vegetarian bacon, Triscuits, milk & sliced kiwi

I know - what is this meal doing here? The truth is, I didn't feel like preparing the dish I'd planned (originally the same dish I planned last night for dinner - I'm really dreading it I guess). Since the meals are interchangeable, I decided I could have a meal I really enjoyed and could prepare quickly, rather than struggling to find something easier to make out of the ingredients I had.

I'm so glad I didn't substitute a bowl of cereal as I'd thought to do, as this meal was much more satisfying and flavorful.

Snack

• Triscuits with jalapeno hummus & skim milk

I know it looks like a dallop of snot, or maybe mustard, but this hummus was quite delicious. Not quite as good as that crazy spicy three-pepper hummus, but tangier and a little less fiery in its flavor, which made for a great snack.

It occurred to me as I was finishing the milk that while I really enjoy soy crisps and juice, they are nowhere near as satisfying as Triscuits, hummus & milk. This combination actually felt like a meal.

Dinner

• cereal with almonds, raisins, wheat germ & skim milk

You know, I've seen these diets where you replace two meals a day with a bowl of cereal, and I've always thought I could never do them, that I'd get bored or be too hungry... but when faced with a messy kitchen and zero desire to cook, suddenly cereal is looking mighty fine.

As I poured the milk, I realized that I've gone through an entire quart today, which is problematic... the meals that I've had called for 1 cup, 3/4 cup, 1/2 cup & 1 cup respectively, so while I'm kind of close to the 4 cups in a quart (total=3-1/4 cups), I'm over by a good 3/4 cup. I mentally comforted myself by saying at least it was skim milk (I'm allowed 1% or even 2%), but still, it's not like it's devoid of calories. I'm thinking I will probably have to start measuring milk again until I can get my pours metered more accurately. Every little bit counts.

I had to go to the grocery to get cat food and other sundries this evening, and I went to a different place with aisles full of exotic and fabulous treats. I stuck to my list and the only indulgence I allowed was a bag of sugar-free Hershey's dark chocolate, of which I had one piece. I know it was stupid to buy them in the first place - even stupider to lie to myself and say they were for the boyfriend because he is out of town at the moment - but it could have been a much, much more foolish choice, all things considered. If one piece of dark chocolate can keep me from sabotaging myself in worse ways, then it's a small price to pay.

Day One Hundred Sixteen

Breakfast

• peppers & eggs with black pepper & parmesan cheese
• vegetarian bacon
• Triscuits
• raisins
• milk

Feeling disgusted with myself and more than a little bit queasy from yesterday's grossly unhealthy eating, I resolved to have a solid day of nutritious meals on the meal plan.

This was definitely a good start, as it is one of my favorite meals.

Snack

• onion & garlic soy crisps
• cranberry juice

Interesting how the cranberry juice resembles red wine from this view.

I was very hungry while preparing lunch & dinner (I cooked them together), so this snack was good to stave off other unapproved snacking.

Lunch

• pepper stuffed with tofu, garlic, onion, cheese, rice & corn
• cranberry juice (not pictured

This is the first time I tried this recipe and found it absolutely fantastic, despite all the preparation involved. I think it was to do with the cheese, which was obviously my favorite part. There was entirely too much stuffing to fit into one pepper, which made me decide that when I make them again, I will use those large, oversized peppers currently exploding off the store's shelves.

I didn't bother preparing a fruit, but I had been sipping at cranberry juice all afternoon and took some big gulps to add up to the serving size.

Dinner

I'll admit I ate this second pepper very soon after the first, probably within two hours. I didn't even wash my plate in between.

I had actually had a different dish planned (thinking I'd have the second pepper for lunch tomorrow) but laziness and appetite got the better of me.

At least I didn't order pizza, right?

Day One Hundred Fifteen

Breakfast

• ham & cheese sandwich
• sliced kiwi
• milk

Today started out so good - I really hoped that I would make up for this weekend's slouching with a healthy set of meals. Little did I know what would go down...

Lunch, Dinner Snack
It's hard to explain the next few hours, so I'm just going to lump it all together as a crazed binge. I want very much to blame my boyfriend, since he was the one who opened up the leftovers from catering (again - why did I bring them home?!) and went along with awful ideas like "I'm going to have a coffee cake for lunch."

Only later did I learn those coffee cakes are 500 calories each.

But that barely matters because next I had a bowl of hot Italian sausage with yellow peppers. Delicious, but fatty beyond belief.

Then, my boyfriend noticed the leftover chocolate in the fridge and declared he was going off Atkins for an hour (supposedly if you keep all your day's carbs within an hour it doesn't have ill effects?). He made a sort of candy concoction by pouring melted peanut butter and tempered chocolate over a bed of hazelnuts, then froze it. Of course I had a chunk.

(We cut that piece into about 9, and I had one square, but still.)

Seeing as the diet was thoroughly blown, we decided to get the most unhealthy dinner we could think of.

I had half of a thin-crust sausage pizza.

And five chicken kickers with bleu cheese and hot dipping sauce.

I'm going to rename this "Visualizing Weight Gain" or "How to be an Undisciplined Fatass the Rest of One's Life, which Won't Be Long If She Continues Eating this Way."

I can't even rationalize and say something like "Oh it's just one day," as it has been the past three days, and I'm absolutely certain that today's ridiculous fat-fest was much more than double my day's allowed calories.

But it is done. I can only look forward and realize I've just set myself back that much more... again.