Drug Efficacy

I had lunch with my mother yesterday, and we were talking about my grandfather, who has in the past had prostate cancer and recently learned he had a cancerous mass in one of his kidneys. He had the kidney removed last week, but he was still feeling a little under the weather and had developed a fever, so the doctor prescribed antibiotics and stressed how important it was for him to take them with food so they absorbed effectively, now that his remaining kidney has an extra burden of absorption.

At this point in the conversation, I realized I hadn't taken any vitamins, and I pulled out the little baggie of 19 pills I'd brought with me. I told my mom about the vitamin and herb cocktail I'd started, and she joked, "Why are you taking all that? To make really expensive pee?"

We laughed, and I explained how I have been careful to always take them with food and spread them out through the day so they can be absorbed properly. She insisted that the body doesn't absorb supplements and a person just pees them out.

While I disagree with my mother and wonder where she got her cynicism from, it did give me momentary pause. How do I know any of this is doing anything?

With prescription drugs, even if they weren't achieving their intended effects, I was sure the drug was getting into my system because I felt so completely different in every way when I took them. If I took my antidepressant a little late in the day, there was a noticeable difference, and if I missed a day, I would faint. Two days, and I had a seizure. (This is part of the reason I'm leery of psychopharmaceuticals - I don't like something having so much control over my entire body).

However, with herbal supplements and vitamins, I'm less sure. I like that ginseng doesn't make me feel like I'm on speed, but I wonder if it really boosts my energy. I feel like I'm concentrating a little better with ginkgo biloba, but I can't say for sure that I have better circulation to my head and extremities because I don't feel gushes of blood and all that. And similarly with my One-a-Day, I feel a little better all over, but I can't say what vitamins are helping which processes.

For the first two years of my undergrad, I majored in Neuroscience, and probably my favorite class was Neuropathology. In the pharmacology unit, we studied specific drugs and why they did what they did at a molecular level, then expanded it to understand what happened on cellular, systemic, bodily, and psychiatric levels. Because I could say exactly what the drug molecules did in the brain, I could believe that they had the effects they were supposed to, and I understood how to monitor a patient's treatment.

I don't have that kind of knowledge of vitamins and herbs, and I'm not 100% confident that the people who harvest and package herbs do either. Yes, the history of pharmacology is one of adapting substances from nature with observed effects to controlled and standardized units packaged in pills, powders, and the like, and marketed as cures. But how do we know what they do? Is it okay to simply say ginseng gives you energy, just like caffeine or cocaine, and I don't have to question how and why? I want to research these further and understand them at a chemical level before I put all my faith in them.

For now I have chosen to trust these pills and see what they do. I'm not so naive as to say anything from nature can't be bad for me, but I trust the amount of research that's been done in the three herbal drugs I'm taking, as well as the efficacy of a multivitamin and vitamin C in maintaining a healthy immune system.

I would really appreciate it if anyone could point me in the direction of some more concrete data on St John's Wort, Koren ginseng, and Ginkgo Biloba. And if you have anything on chromium picolinate, I'm all ears for that too.

New Cocktail

I've had some pretty hugely stressful things go on in my life since last writing (terrible family scare, really important school deadlines, near break-up with my boyfriend etc), but I think I'm past it now.

The diet went out the window as I put all my priorities into school. I gained back all the weight I'd lost in Italy plus some, and the overall shape of my body is much worse now that I am not exercising so regularly. My clothes fit poorly, I cringe at photos of myself with shock, and all that.

I wasn't too concerned because I can accept that weight loss is a long and slow process. Where I was worried is the ways in which being physically unhealthy was affecting my mental and emotional health. I got into a rather terrible spiral of anxiety and depression that I wasn't sure how to get out of. Finishing a major project helped, but I still could tell that my moods were imbalanced and I wasn't really myself.

Last week, my boyfriend and I went out with friends, and my mood was finally starting to lift. We had a few drinks, but I limited myself to three whiskey drinks, the last one mixed with a 12-oz can of Diet Coke.

I'm hesitant to write this even as I do because even though this journal is anonymous, it's still really really embarrassing. Here goes.

When we got in the elevator, I realized I had to pee, fairly urgently. As long as we kept walking, I was alright, but by the time I had to stop to pay for my Metro card, I really didn't know how I was going to keep myself together. I was wearing heeled boots, and as I carefully started down the stairs, one of them caught on a step, I started to slip, and I thought I was going to fall. I caught myself, but I was so startled that I'd lost control of my bladder and ended up... wetting my pants on the subway platform.

Fortunately I had a shopping bag in front of me and a scarf to tie around my waist, but I was absolutely mortified.

When I got home, I showered, then immediately went onto WebMD. See, I've always had really sudden urges and needed to pee many times a day (up to once or twice an hour), but I figured it was an excess of caffeine or attention issues (I get really involved in what I'm doing and don't realize I must go until it's nearly an emergency). I had been having more and more close calls prior to the subway, so I'd cut back on soda, but I never felt quite so... incontinent before.

The first article I came across was one to do with the 3 Conditions Women Don't Talk About, and they were incontinence, irritable bowel syndrome, and waning sexual desire. Check, check, and (I have to admit), check.

I read up on all three, and I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands. Before going on Zoloft a few years ago, I'd spoken with my doctor about herbal alternatives, specifically St John's Wort. She said they were just as effective if not better than the prescription, but they could be difficult to monitor and basically required that you be on a steady diet and exercise regime for them to work, as they were supplements to a healthy lifestyle, and not replacements for one. Being lazy and immature, I opted for prescriptions and went through a year of hell and irresponsible psychiatry, never quite getting the doses right.

So last week I decided that rather than see another psychiatrist, whose primary resource is a prescription pad, I would take up a healthier lifestyle, monitor myself through writing, and take herbal supplements. The fact that my insurance doesn't cover prescriptions or counseling was probably in the back of my mind, but it seemed like the better way to treat my body.

I realized today that I now take a lot of pills every day, instead of one little one, but I think overall they're better:



From left to right: St John's Wort, Korean ginseng, good old One-a-Day WeightSmart, Ginkgo Biloba, vitamin C, chromium picolinate, and fiber supplements.

I started taking them on Monday, and so far I feel terrific. I know that it is probably a bit of a placebo effect, since the St John's Wort is supposed to work slowly over two months, but I can immediately feel an increase in energy and enthusiasm. I'm just generally cheerier, and I'm optimistic that I'm on the right path to helping myself naturally.

I need to start back up on a diet again. My boyfriend wants to go back on Atkins, but I'm thinking that the Glycemic Impact would be better for us as far as a long-term lifestyle change.

My boyfriend and I have also been talking a lot about our behaviors and what we do to one another. We fight all the time about the apartment being a disaster (and yes, it really is that bad), and generally our relationship had deteriorated to one of constant bickering and shouting. I finally decided in the midst of a really ugly fight that that was enough. I insisted that if we were going to have anything to do with one another (at this point, he said he was moving out and I said I was through with him), we needed some ground rules, namely no yelling, no name-calling, berating or character assaults, no slamming doors or storming out in anger, and our conversations should have one topic or point per statement, no making speeches or litanies of offenses. It's been going a lot better since then, and we've been considerably kinder to one another.

I feel that if we work to get our living situation more comfortable and productive for both of us, then it will be a lot easier to stick with a diet and exercise plan (and vice versa). To the same extent that my poor health was affecting my moods and concentration, I know that our mutual physical problems are really negatively impacting our relationship. So it's time to change.

While I am rambling excessively about my health (it's been a while, I have to catch up!), I also have two other issues I want to keep an eye on.

1.) My vision is getting noticeably worse, to the point where my glasses are barely working on some days. I'm not sure if it is eye fatigue and need of a new prescription (as the dull headaches would indicate) or overall bleary-eyed tiredness (as the early morning classes are a strain sometimes), but I want to get it checked out, if I can find somewhere affordable. It really irks me that my school's insurance doesn't cover dental or vision at all, as if graduate students no longer have teeth or eyes when they enroll. Nevertheless, if I can justify spending money on shoes or jeans, I can definitely find some room in my budget to take care of my vision.

2.) Skin and hair. My skin seems to be breaking out worse than usual, probably from stress, anxiety, and poor nutrition. I have some new products I'm introducing into my regime, so we'll see. I've been concerned about my hair thinning for a few years now, as it was a big side effect of anxiety, then Zoloft, then anxiety again. I keep going through shampoos trying to find one which works best, but I'm still dissatisfied. It's my hope that better nutrition and exercise, as well as alleviating some anxiety will help, but I want to pay attention. I also want to be careful that whatever diet I choose still gets enough good fats and oils to maintain healthy hair and skin.

So, that's the current state of my health and life. Whew. Back to schoolwork!

So Far

I feel kind of dopey checking in on myself constantly, but whatever, this is my journal and I should put it to some kind of use.

Since writing, I weighed in:



174. Not bad, not great. I logged back into e-Diets and they projected my four-week goal of dropping to 166. Fair enough. I realized I'd had it set for Atkins, so I changed my meal plan back to the Glycemic Impact diet, which I feel was vastly healthier.

I made some decisions. These are the only pills I will take to improve my health and well-being:



One-a-Day Weight Smart, vitamin C, chromium picolinate, a fiber supplement, and today, naproxen sodium.

I have one of those daily pill containers marked with the days of the week leftover from when I took a psycho-pharmaceutical cocktail every day, and I loaded it up with these vitamins and supplements for the coming week.

I have also decided to give up caffeine. In Italy, I barely had any on a regular basis, so this really won't be so hard, but I have to think that the amounts of Diet Coke and Diet Dr Pepper I drink must negatively impact my sleep-wake cycles.

From now on, it's water, decaffeinated iced tea, or decaf soda in very limited amounts. I know that increasing the amount of water I drink has more health benefits than I can count, and now that we've bought a Brita pitcher to keep in the fridge, I think this will be a lot easier to do.

As per my list from the previous post, it felt wonderful to shower and do my full grooming routine. I took my time, shaved my legs, and even put menthol gel on my sore neck, which has made a world of difference. I looked at my face, which I've been picking at a lot lately, and I was sad for what I'd done to it. I made a point of putting only Neosporin on the spots I'd picked, not concealer, to give it a fair chance at healing. I think my skin bears the brunt of my foul moods, and I don't want to keep abusing it or it's going to scar. I have to be disciplined about leaving it alone, especially when my first instinct during trouble is to grab a hand mirror and go to town on it.

I walked to check on my car. It's blocked in (yay Brooklyn), but in a spot where I don't have to move it tomorrow. I think that managing this better will alleviate the morning stress of having to rush out the door to move my car as soon as I wake up, as well as the financial stress of parking tickets (I just got one on Friday).

I went to the grocery, and though I didn't buy food specific to the e-Diets plan yet, I bought reasonably healthy things which I plan to eat in moderation. I just had ham and provolone with mustard on whole grain bread, and it was delicious. I sat down to enjoy it, taking my time to sip water and savor each bite, and I'm glad I did that. I feel a lot calmer.

Prior to eating, I spent a few minutes tidying up the apartment, taking out the trash and recycling, cleaning the kitchen counter etc. Once I finish writing this, I'm going to tackle the living room and try to make some headway on the dishes. Then I have to find something enjoyable to do for the rest of the evening and maybe throw in some yoga (exercise for mental health and all that).

I'm feeling more in control, and this is important. It's stupid to act all crisis-mode about things, but I can feel my mind becoming less scattered and frenetic than it was just a few hours ago, so I know I'm doing the right thing.

Back... to Usual

I got back from Italy about two weeks ago. While I was there, I had a considerably healthier lifestyle in every way: I walked everywhere, I had energy, I ate well, I was active and happy. I lost close to 10 pounds and a full clothing size, and I really thought I had made lasting changes in my life.

The first few days I tried to convince myself that everything was going well. I'm not sure what even triggered it, but I quickly sunk back into a pretty deep depression, the likes of which I really thought I'd left behind.

Lately I've been experiencing pretty massive hypersomnia, sleeping up to 16 or 18 hours a day and still falling asleep if I sit still. Most days it's remarkable if I wake up before 3 or 4pm, and that just disgusts me on so many levels.

I was supposed to go with my boyfriend to visit his mother today, but I felt physically incapable of getting out of bed. He got so mad that he finally just stormed out the door without me and when I called and asked if I could drive up separately, he shouted that he didn't want to deal with me today. Things have been really bad between us since I got home, and I think that this kind of stuff is going to drive him away for good. Weirdly, even knowing this, I either can't or an unwilling to change my behaviors and the ways they affect him.

I did the same thing to my mother in Italy. Like, I was so mean to her I made her cry, several times, and I just didn't care. I don't even remember what I was fixating on, but it truly felt like no one else mattered - I was just entrenched in some private inhuman misery. I hate being this selfish and cruel, and I hate that I feel like I have no control over it.

As I'm approaching this coming semester, the financial, academic, and social anxiety are all but overwhelming, and daily I think I should either drop out entirely or take some time off because I know I'm not ready for my thesis. The things I could be doing in preparation, I'm refusing, opting instead to sit around and watch TV or sleep all day while wallowing in my confusion and worry.

Our apartment is an absolute disaster. The first few days I was home, I got all excited about domestic stuff, cooking, baking, and cleaning as much as I could. I was actually cheerful about doing laundry and reorganizing, thinking about how much nicer it was to have a constantly clean and tidy apartment in Italy. Then at some point I just stopped caring and slid back into the slovenly tendencies which have been driving my boyfriend and I crazy all this time. I leave garbage in the middle of the floor, I don't wash dishes until it becomes a huge task, I don't put anything away or clean anything, and for good measure, I haven't even been showering. Across the board, I've had this horrid "Why bother" feeling, which manifests itself in appalling ways.

For what it's worth, I've also gained weight since coming home, as I haven't even tried to maintain a healthful diet like I did abroad. It's been all baked goods, fatty meals, or fast food, and I see that I'm dragging my boyfriend down with me.

I had a glimmer of hope when I found an affordable city fitness center with a full-size pool a few subway stops from my apartment. I had this thought that I could get on a regular swimming schedule and it would be both meditative and aerobic, and I had this notion of reclaiming the person I used to be in high school (when I swam year-round and was much fitter and healthier). I got all excited about it while I was at my parents' house, and I went out and spent too much money on a new bathing suit, goggles, and swim cap. I also bought a yoga mat, thinking I'd like to take that up too.

Then when I got home, I just became deflated. My boyfriend wasn't at all interested in joining this fitness center or even in coming with me to check it out before I registered. He kind of scoffed at the whole idea, saying I'd never go, just like I never went to the gym when I was a member. I tried to argue that this was different, because I could go to it by subway and didn't have to spend time in traffic or circling for parking, but he maintained his skepticism. Instead of going through with it anyway, I just let myself feel defeated and hopeless and put off going all week. I want to say I'll go tomorrow, but really, I don't want to disappoint myself anymore, especially if I sleep until the afternoon and miss registration hours yet again.

The thing is, I know this feeling all too well, and I know this is not normal. I spent several years in undergrad like this, and I recognize that I'm pretty deeply depressed. I want to get help and take control of it, but I know that I can't afford to see a counselor or therapist, and I really wouldn't want to go on medication again, seeing as that is a significant part of how I became so overweight in the first place.

I read an article on Helping Yourself Out of Depression (since I do love the DIY mentality), and it rang of common sense and seemed reasonable. I mean obviously, if I want to feel better, I should start exercising again, since that is what made me feel better in Italy. This is also one of the things I'm really mad at myself for, so I can kill two birds with one stone. Getting better control of my diet and sleep are obvious no-brainers, yet wow, they're hard to do. Reengaging in the activities I've completely stopped since coming home will be good for me, and it will help me alleviate my back-to-school anxiety because I will be - gasp! - doing something to help myself.

The only part of the puzzle I can't manage is what to say or do regarding my family and boyfriend. The last time I told people I was depressed, they tried to talk me out of getting treatment, then said it was just an excuse for laziness. I remember my mom sending me an email saying I wasn't depressed, I was just really immature and needed to grow up instead of indulging myself in an expensive treatment. When I try to express things that make me unhappy or tell people the things they do which make me feel worthless, they laugh it off and tell me I'm being childish and oversensitive. My boyfriend always tells me it's choices that I make and flaws in my own character which let me feel depressed, as he seems to believe that at any time I could just pull myself up by the boot-straps and get on with life.

I don't want to tell people that this isn't me, because not only will they not believe it, but I'll lose any credibility with things I say to them in the future. I can already hear my mom saying "Oh, she's doing that depression thing again, ugh," as if I've joined some cult.

I know that the conditional support I get from my family and boyfriend contribute significantly to my anxiety and faltering confidence, but any time I say anything to them or ask for help, they think I'm blaming them and get all defensive.

I guess I've just convinced myself I'm on my own in this. To set some reasonably attainable goals for myself, I will:

1) Get showered and dressed.
2) Get out of the apartment today. Go to the grocery store and take a walk to find where my car is parked, check if I have to move it tomorrow.
3) Wash the dishes and tidy up the apartment.
4) Cook something for dinner and try to get to bed at a remotely decent hour.

Now I have to confess my alternate plan - stay up through the night so I can go to the fitness center in the morning and register. We'll see.

I'll check back in soon and monitor things. I have to believe I'm capable of fixing this.

Today's the Day

I leave for Italy today!

Most likely, I won't be updating this site while I am away. I have serious intents to redouble my weight loss efforts upon my return, so please bookmark me or subscribe to this site's feed if you'd like to stay in touch.

I will return to both the US and dieting in August.

Have a great summer!

Hour of Weakness

I don't know what's wrong with me, but it seems I'm intent on sabotaging every attempt I make at losing weight.

Today it started with low-sugar Eskimo Pie ice cream bars. They're delicious - vanilla ice cream covered in dark chocolate. They're also 13 grams of carbs each.

I had one this morning, then I had several grams of carbs in my dinner (leftover sausage with orange peppers in spicy tomato sauce, and not enough of it). That should have been the end of my carbs for the day, but I just wasn't satisfied.

I had another ice cream, trying to rationalize that going over by a few grams wouldn't kill me. Then, and completely without thinking, I had another. What the hell? I can't even understand how or when that happened. There were suddenly two popsicle sticks in front of me.

So then I thought that if I'd blown it, I should do an hour of carbs (I seriously think this is just an excuse for screwing up a low-carb diet, but I keep putting off researching it). I had liverwurst on a Wasa flatbread. I had monterey jack cheese melted on Wheat Thins. I even had a few scrapes out of an old jar of Nutella. To cap it off, I had yet another ice cream bar. Argh.

I'm ashamed to admit I was tempted to order pizza or go out for fast food or even walk to a bodega and buy cookies, thinking it was too bad we didn't have more desirable carby treats around the apartment. Thankfully I stopped myself before it got even worse, but it feels lousy to have let myself get so out of control. I was even thinking "It's only another week or two before I leave for the summer, I should just give up Atkins now and enjoy myself." Sigh.

When am I going to change?

Revving Up

I just read this article on revving up one's metabolism, and I think I'm making several critical errors.

First, I am not drinking nearly enough water. I try to get it in from sugar-free iced tea or Jello or similar, but I really don't have enough of that to offset the amount of sodium and caffeine I'm consuming from diet sodas. What I didn't realize, however, is that running slightly dehydrated actually decreases metabolic rate. Therefore, I'm going to redouble my efforts to drink at least 64 oz of water a day and cut back on soda. I imagine that will have some nice skin and hair benefits too.

The second major thing that it's taking me too long to realize is that not eating enough, waiting until really late in the day, or going an excessively long time between meals, causes my metabolism to slow. When blood sugar drops, the body stores energy as fat. It seems so simple, but it's so easy to think "Ehn, I'm fat enough, I don't really need to eat." So even though it feels like work to have to squeeze in regular meals and snacks throughout the day, I think it's something I need to make a concerted effort toward. Atkins is perhaps problematic because it reduces hunger so much that I often go as long as ten or twelve hours without eating - I can't imagine my metabolism keeps working in that time.

Lastly, and I've been harping on myself about this one for this whole process - I need to develop muscle tone and become aerobically active. Period. End of story.

So I need to remember these things the next time I find myself staring at the scale and thinking "But I haven't eaten carbs - why am I back up to 179?" I know why, and I know that there is no magic solution or lazy way out. I can make this work, and I know how. I just have to have the discipline to do it.

Two Creamy Recipes

Recently I've made two really tasty carb-free dishes, and I thought it would be a good idea to record the recipes here.

Chicken Primavera Alfredo



Ingredients

• 4 whole boneless, skinless chicken breasts
• 2 medium onions
• minced garlic
• 2 packages stir-fry vegetables (includes broccoli florets, pea pods, shredded zucchini, carrot etc)
• 8 oz sliced mushrooms
• 1 cup butter or margarine
• 1-1/3 cup heavy cream
• 2-1/2 cups grated Parmesan cheese
• salt & fresh ground pepper to taste

Preparation

Cook chicken. I used a George Foreman grill, but it could be boiled, roasted, or otherwise heated through by any method. Slice into bite-size pieces.

Meanwhile, chop and sautée garlic and onion in a skillet with hot olive oil. Cook until onions are translucent. Add stir-fry vegetables and mushrooms, and heat to desired softness, covering to steam. Toss with chicken.

In a separate saucepan, heat butter and cream until butter is melted. Remove from heat, add Parmesan cheese, salt & pepper, and stir until smooth.

Pour Alfredo sauce over chicken and vegetable mixture. Top with Parmesan or Romano cheese, and serve hot.

This recipe makes a very large amount with lots of leftovers - it can easily be halved or otherwise divided. Alfredo sauce recipe comes from this source.

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Thin Beef and Spinach in Three Cheese Cream Sauce



Ingredients

• 3 Steak-Ummms minute steaks or thinly sliced shaved beef
• large onion
• package of frozen chopped spinach
• minced garlic
• 1/2 cup heavy cream
• 4-5 oz cream cheese
• 3 oz crumbled Feta cheese
• 1/2 cup grated Romano cheese
• ground red pepper
• several dashes Worcestershire sauce
• salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste

Preparation

Thinly slice onion and sautée with garlic in a skillet with hot oil. Heat until onions are translucent. Add steaks and cover to heat through. Using two wooden spoons, cut up steaks into small pieces. Add salt, peppers, and Worcestershire sauce to flavor. Add package of spinach and cover to steam.

When spinach has fully defrosted, stir in cream, cream cheese, crumbled Feta, and Romano cheese. Combine to a creamy sauce, and flavor to taste. Serve hot.

This basic recipe can be adapted to the ingredients on hand, for example using more beef or other vegetables. Sliced mushrooms would make an especially suitable addition.

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So, I hope you enjoy these recipes if you choose to prepare them. They are definitely tasty and a nice change of pace from the sometimes greasy, overly salty Atkins dishes we usually prepare.

Faltering

Not surprisingly, I'm feeling stymied with Atkins. When I was visiting my family last week, they all kept saying really kind things. I hadn't seen them since March, and both of my parents kept saying I'd lost a ton of weight and looked a lot better. Therefore I thought that, though feeble, my efforts with the Glycemic Impact diet and then Atkins had actually paid off.

Later that weekend, my mother and I went clothes shopping. It was so strange because almost everything I put on fit perfectly. It was flattering, and I didn't look as horrifyingly huge as I expected to, even in a 3-way store mirror. For the first time in a long time, I fit very comfortably into specific sizes (cringe-worthy still, but that is not the point), so I could pick things off the wrack, check out the shape, and know it would look good.

I was pleased and thinking finally, I was making progress in the War on Fat.

This week is a totally different story. I weighed myself this morning and was back up to 178. I was peering in the mirror wondering "Am I retaining water, or have I gained weight back?" This questioning drives me crazy, the doubting, the insecurity, and the unshakable belief that I was just deluding myself trying to lose weight with Atkins anyway.

My boyfriend (rightly) maintains that if I really want to lose weight, I need to exercise. He suggested slowly working carbs back into my diet and picking up some kind of aerobic activity. Unfortunately my gym membership just expired two days ago, and I purposefully did not renew it because I only went once in the past two years.

I understand the equation so clearly it's ridiculous:

weight loss = diet x exercise

I've said before (and recently) that as long as the exercise stays at zero, it will continue to produce zero as my weight loss result as well.

I own so many home exercise books and videos that I should surely be able to find something I enjoy, right? I have weights, I have a yoga mat, I have a big open floor in my apartment where I can do pilates or the NYC Ballet Workout... we even have an exercise bike taking up tons of space in the office, but I am loathe to work out here, from some combination of vanity (don't want my boyfriend to see me) and arrogance (don't want to admit to myself how badly out of shape I am).

I own three or four pairs of barely-used sneakers and a whole wardrobe full of never-used exercise clothing. At any time I choose, I could put some of that on, walk outside, and wander around this big city I inhabit. I even have roller blades I could take to the park.

So what is keeping me from this? Why do I patently refuse to do anything to improve myself or my condition?

I'm going to be leaving the country in something like two weeks. I'll have a suitcase full of new clothes in a shamefully large size, and my visions of traipsing along the streets glamorous and floating on air will more likely resemble waddling along on a squat frame, trudging about with thighs rubbing together, exhausted from the simple effort of going about my day and moving 60 extra pounds around everywhere I go.

It's not just struggling with my appearance, either. I do really worry about my health, my body, and my quality of life as a consequence of neglecting both. I don't want to find myself thinking about getting married or having children and still failing to reach a healthy weight. I don't want to be 40 or 50 and still telling myself "I used to be an athlete" or "When I was 17, I was really thin."

Why do I choose food and laziness over everything else? Why do I take what should be a sacred gift and abuse it as if I hate it? I don't like the person I am when I can't be bothered to exercise or when I make short-term decisions like "the flavor of this ice cream right now is more important than living to know my grandchildren."

I don't want to develop diabetes or heart trouble. I don't want to have a shortened lifespan because I have no self-control. What's more, I don't want to spend the rest of my life tired, struggling anytime I have to move my body, feeling weighed down and listless because I am so overweight.

I think this is enough whining. I'm painfully aware that everything I'm unhappy about is my own fault, and that the only person in the world who can help me out with this is me. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm mad at myself. I'm frustrated with the situation, and it's incredibly tempting right now to just say "Screw it," throw in the towel, and pig out the rest of the time I'm here since, yknow, how much could I possibly lose in two weeks anyway right?

I'm going to be disciplined and stop acting like a brat just because I'm having some set-backs. I hope that tomorrow I can start making some more productive changes in my life and get myself together already.

Slip-Up

I knew it wouldn't be easy to stick exclusively to Atkins, and last night proved my first big mess-up. We had overnight guests coming, and because one is a vegetarian, I had a hard time finding a restaurant that would suit all of us. We went to a really delicious Indian place in Manhattan.

Now the food was incomparably wonderful, including the best samosas I've ever had, but everything was carb-laden and starchy - curry sauces, potatoes, lentils, rice, and tons of garlic nan. My boyfriend and I had avoided carbs all day in anticipation of keeping them all within an hour, trying the Carbohydrate Addicts' method (which I still don't fully believe really works). Our meal was much longer than an hour, but I thought it was probably okay since it was just one (admittedly very large) meal.

Where we really blew it was later on, as we were on our way home from the subway, when we bought full-fat, full-sugar Ben & Jerry's ice cream in two flavors (mint chocolate cookie and cinnamon bun). On the subway, my boyfriend and I had spoken privately and agreed we would have the low-carb ice cream bars in our fridge and just give our guests the sugary stuff... but as I was scooping out bowls, he gave me a look and we both knew we were just flagrantly disregarding Atkins so we could enjoy the same dessert as our friends.

I'm definitely disappointed with myself for making such a foolish decision. The ice cream tasted great, but I felt guilty the whole time I was eating it and if I really thought about it, I couldn't even say I enjoyed it. I'm so frustrated that I can't stay on any diet, even one as easy as Atkins, for more than like two weeks.

This morning I resolved to get right back on track and not dwell on last night's mistakes, but I screwed up first thing in the morning. I'd found an awesome recipe for citrus ade, which I made fresh this morning substituting Splenda for sugar. The reason I'd planned to make this is because the same vegetarian friend doesn't drink carbonated or caffeinated beverages and often balks at anything with added sugar in it (as most fruit juices available in our grocery have). For some reason it hadn't occurred to me that grapefruits have carbs in them because lemons and limes are allowed on Atkins. Even though I didn't drink much of it, I think I've already had my day's carbs. Bummer.

I hope I can keep it together before I wreck all the progress I've made so far. I will also try to remember to weigh-in tomorrow, seeing as I've been really unaccountable lately.

A Nice Weekend

As a commenter recently noted, I've been away awhile. I'll back-post a few things I have drafts of, but in the meantime, I'm pretty proud of how I handled myself this past weekend.

I went down to visit my family, which is often a major diet-killer. I got there Saturday night, and my parents and I went to a steakhouse for dinner. I thought I was safe ordering a flat iron steak with a burgundy reduction sauce... but they served it with a big pile of delicious French fries. I managed to eat around them and enjoyed the heck out of my steak. I rewarded myself with a low-sugar ice cream which fit within my daily carbs despite having 11 grams.

Sunday was easier, as I ate turkey roll-ups and then my father barbecued a bunch of things, including cheddar wurst and sausage patties with cheese for me. I made Caesar salads for my family, and they all enjoyed them. I was even able to enjoy a Caipirinha made with Splenda - fabulous.

On Monday, my mother and I got dinner at Ruby Tuesday's, and I was tempted to take a page from the Carbohydrate Addicts' diet, wherein I would eat a carb-laden meal, but keep all my carbs within one hour. Or something. I'm not even sure that works, but I'm glad I decided against it anyway. I got a portobello mushroom topped steak with Parmesan cream sauce that was spectacular. My dish came with steamed broccoli and a baked potato, but the waitress was all too happy to sub in some broiled green beans, which were also delicious. On the way home, we got a package of CarbSmart ice cream bars which are only 5 grams per, but I did end up eating two, which was a definite lapse in self-control. Nevertheless, I stayed well below 20 carbs for the day and felt proud of myself for finding a way to make it work.

Lastly on Tuesday, I went most of the day without eating, and was feeling kind of dizzy as a consequence. I cooked Ropa Vieja for my family before heading out, and while I thought it was spectacular, they felt it was too spicy. I began to wonder if Atkins is effecting my sense of taste and flavor, since we add so many spices to cut that greasy "Atkins taste." I will have to look into this.

Since returning, I've continued being really good, though I'm concerned that not eating for long portions of the day is lowering my blood sugar and causing my weight loss to plateau.

I did make a fabulous dinner tonight, though, and I wish I'd thought to take a photo. I grilled chicken breasts and sauteed a bunch of vegetables, then topped it all with a decadent homemade Alfredo sauce. Being on Atkins is about the only possible situation in which I'd consider that sauce healthy, but man, it was delicious.

Atkins, Day Sixteen

Arbitrarily, I've decided to stop keeping track of everything I eat in a day (I'm sure you're relieved). Basically, I think I'm figuring out how to make Atkins work and I've learned lots about my eating habits, so I'd say the listing has served its purpose. I'm not sneaking foods in or trying to go over my carbs in a day - I've just stuck to the "diet" and enjoyed it.

This evening I made up a recipe for hot Italian sausage with peppers and mushrooms in a spicy tomato cream sauce, heavy on Romano cheese. It was mostly delicious, but I know that I should have reduced the sauce before mixing it with the other ingredients. Instead I made it all in one pan and tried to simmer it down... it's just not the same.

I was reminded of an experience in a restaurant just after I learned to make vodka sauce, when I was served a dish that kept separating into oily constituent pools. It goes without saying, I was disgusted, and not for the oil (because everyone should know that half of restaurant sauces is oil), but for the amateurish cream sauce. My twelve-year-old indignation knew no bounds. Really though, there's something about learning to cook that makes one especially offended when someone professional does it wrong.

Otherwise today was a good day, and I'm hoping for another sizable loss at weigh-in tomorrow.

I'm a little worried about visiting my parents this weekend for Mother's Day - they have a knack for blowing my diets - but I think I should be able to keep it together and resist sweets or the big starchy potato roll my father always offers with a burger.

Atkins, Day Fifteen

As I mentioned, I was up all night cleaning and reorganizing, but I cut off eating around 4am. I stayed up, but didn't eat again until the afternoon, and I'm not really sure why.

• 3 pm - 3 pieces marinated mozzarella, 4 slices beef bologna, 12 oz chocolate cherry fudge soda


• 5:30 pm - CarbSmart rocky road ice cream


• 9:00 pm - turkey and pepper jack roll-ups, 32 oz Diet Dr Pepper


• 11:30 pm - CarbSmart ice cream bar

Today was one of those truly hot days, where trying to move things around resulted in torrents of sweat. I guess it's logical that all I wanted was ice cream, but I need to make sure I'm not skimping on important nutrients to be able to fit them into the diet.

Atkins, Day Fourteen

I'm not sure why, but I woke up in a terrible mood. I kept snapping at my boyfriend and felt like I couldn't concentrate on anything. We ended up getting in a huge fight, and I think my crankiness was a huge part of that.

My boyfriend went to the grocery in the morning, then I went in the afternoon because I thought he didn't get anything substantive, mostly snack foods. It's probably obvious from today's foods that when we have a lot of options, we graze all day.

• 12:25 pm - fresh mozzarella marinated in olive oil and herbs, 12 oz can diet cherry chocolate fudge soda


• 5:30 pm - turkey and pepper jack roll-ups, 16 oz Diet Dr Pepper, 12 oz diet cherry chocolate fudge soda


• 6:20 pm - CarbSmart rocky roadice cream, piece of mozzarella, 2 slices beef bologna


• 8:35 pm - 16 oz Diet Dr Pepper


• 9:20 pm - Wendy's double melt mushroom bacon cheeseburger with some kind of Parmesan sauce, 16 oz Diet Dr Pepper


• 10:10 pm - 3 pieces mozzarella, 4 slices beef bologna


• 1:30 am - 16 oz Diet Dr Pepper


• 3:50 am - bologna & Cheddar roll-ups, CarbSmart rocky road ice cream, 12 oz cherry chocolate cordial soda

We had a friend over in the afternoon, and he joined us in the grazing. It's a bit weird explaining to someone that we have pounds of deli meat but nothing for them to eat it on. He went nuts for the low-carb ice cream, though, and ate probably four or five servings to each one of ours.

I ended up staying up all night rearranging the furniture in our apartment, which worked up quite a sweat. I don't know if it technically counts as exercise, but it felt good to use my muscles.

Atkins, Day Thirteen

I was so worn out from the past two days' work that I slept late, then when I finished running errands in the afternoon, slept some more. My boyfriend woke me up to eat, but I was mostly dead to the world. It's been a long semester.

• 2:00 pm - piece of Trident


• 4:25 pm - 16 oz Diet Coke


• 4:30 pm - raspberry Jello, half a Soyjoy mango coconut bar


• 10:10 pm - beef curry made with artichoke hearts, 16 oz Diet Coke


• 12:32 am - 16 oz diet iced green tea


• 2:30 am - big chunk of Cheddar cheese

The beef curry was unfortunately very disappointing. We had a big package of ground beef on the edge of going bad, and I think we just missed being able to get away with it. My boyfriend cooked this for a really long time to try to get that old meat flavor out, but it still pervaded the larger pieces. It's a shame because the curry sauce he made was really quite tasty.

As I was falling asleep, I thought to myself that it would be a very good idea to go to the grocery in the morning.

Atkins, Day Twelve

I stayed up all night reading, writing a paper, and studying for a big final exam, so I know I should have been exhausted, but running on pure adrenaline I found I was downright cheerful and energetic.

• 1:15 pm - turkey roll-ups, 32 oz diet iced green tea


• 6:34 pm - eggs with sausage & mushrooms, 16 oz Diet Coke
  
  


• 10:52 pm - egg and sausage wrap with cheese, 16 oz Diet Dr Pepper
  
  


• 1:30 am - sparkly Jello made with diet cranberry ginger ale, 16 oz Diet Coke


• 4:12 am - 12 oz Diet Coke, big chunk of cheese

The egg, sausage & mushrooms were a great combination that my boyfriend very nicely prepared for me. I probably should have eaten more to help keep my energy up, but I had very little appetite.

I ended up having to pull a second all-nighter finishing the last big paper I had to hand in. I finished it in the wee hours of the next morning and was so deliriously tired that I fell asleep until the afternoon. I got it turned in within office hours, but not as early as I'd wanted, which annoyed me.

Atkins, Day Eleven

I had an important paper to write today, though I did get out to take a walk in the afternoon. I'm glad we made so much food on Friday, as it held me through the rest of the weekend.

• 8:45 am - Ropa Vieja with pepper jack cheese, 16 oz Diet Dr Pepper, One-a-Day WeightSmart multivitamin, chromium picolinate
  
  


• 12:38 pm - 16 oz water


• 3:15 pm - Ropa Vieja with cheese, 16 oz Diet Dr Pepper


• 8:15 pm - 16 oz diet cranberry ginger ale


• 9:28 pm - turkey roll-ups & dill pickles, 16 oz Diet Dr Pepper
  
  


• 9:52 pm - raspberry Jello with Cool Whip
  
  


• 11:05 pm - turkey roll-ups, 16 oz diet cranberry ginger ale


• 12:30 am - faux cheesecake with Jello, 16 oz iced green tea
  
  

I was surprised by how satisfying the turkey and cheese roll-ups were - I think these are becoming my staple meal lately.

The faux cheesecake was tasty - it's made with cream cheese, vanilla protein powder, and Splenda, all mashed together. Adding the Jello to the top really perked it up.

Weigh-In

175.5. Down 6 pounds from my initial Atkins weigh-in.

6 pounds in 10 days, I will happily take. I finally got into the mid-170s, which I've been struggling to do for months now. I feel great, not at all deprived, and I find I'm much more disciplined at this "diet" than any thus far (though really, I still feel like I'm cheating).

It is probably just my imagination, but my clothes seem to be fitting slightly better too. Skirts that were too snug around my waist just a month ago now fit perfectly. I will have to take my measurements, perhaps for next week, to see if there is real change or not.

I also have to say, it really helps that my boyfriend is so enthusiastic about this and is doing it with me. When I was on the GI diet or the general low-fat, low-calorie one, he would kind of eat the meals if I would cook for him, but he never really wanted to get involved, which meant I didn't have any help with it. Because he has previously lost 40 pounds doing Atkins, he has all kinds of tips for making it more successful, and he's all too happy to put together a tasty meal or snack. That, combined with the fact that he's no longer eating normal food while I suffer through a lousy meal, makes a huge difference in fighting temptation and sticking to a dieting approach.

I know there is usually an initial burst of weight loss when starting a new diet, but I hope that I can continue losing at this rate - or even faster - because I now have less than a month before leaving for Italy. I am also a bit worried that as soon as I go back to eating carbs while there, I will gain back anything I lose plus some, so I am already thinking about dieting and exercising strategies among all my other concerns for living in a foreign country. I have a (perhaps not unrealistic) fantasy that I will be able to continue losing weight while there and come back to the states way thinner and in better shape than when I left. That would be really, really nice.

Atkins, Day Ten

I stayed up really late last night talking with an old friend, so I was reluctant to get out of bed and get cranking on work. As it happened, I ended up getting very little done and passing out pretty early in the evening. I then slept through the night, which is good for my body, but very bad for my productivity.

• 2:35 pm - 16 oz Diet Dr Pepper, One-a-Day WeightSmart multivitamin, chromium picolinate, handful of salted mixed nuts


• 6:43 pm - thin deli sliced beef bologna, dill pickle spears, 16 oz Diet Dr Pepper
  
  

I swear, I'm not pregnant. I just wanted weird food and otherwise had little appetite today. I know it's just nervous energy about blowing off my schoolwork, but I need to eat the proper amount of calories in a day or I'll binge to make up for it tomorrow.

Incidentally, I keep forgetting to do weigh-ins on Saturdays, so I will be sure to weigh myself properly tomorrow.

Atkins, Day Nine

Once again, I had lots of work to do and all kinds of things planned, but I opted to sleep late (like noon) and take my time going about the day. I'm going to have a very hard time come Sunday night, given that everything is due Monday, but I guess I'm not really thinking about that right now.

• 3:40 pm - turkey and pepper jack roll-ups, 16 oz sugar-free iced green tea
  
  


• 3:57 pm - fresh herb salad with creamy Caesar dressing, 16 oz sugar-free iced green tea
  
  


• 6:30 pm - 32 oz sugar-free iced green tea


• 7:25 pm - turkey, avocado & pepper jack cheese with low-fat mayonnaise on low-carb salsa-flavored wrap, 16 oz sugar-free iced green tea
  
  


• 8:20 pm - thin deli slice of beef bologna


• 9:23 pm - plantation mint tea with half & half and Splenda
  
  


• 10:00 pm - Ropa Vieja with pepper jack cheese, 16 oz diet cranberry ginger ale
  
  


• 12:45 am - 16 oz diet cranberry ginger ale


• 1:30 am - strawberry Jello made with cranberry ginger ale, extra creamy Cool Whip
  
  

I had been wandering around kind of spacey until I first ate today, and my boyfriend kept asking what was wrong with me. True, I was distracted, but it was surprising to finally realize "Oh, I guess I'm hungry?" The funny thing about Atkins is that it really diminishes appetite and physical hunger, so I can go all day without eating - and that's probably not good.

The wrap I had was fantastic, and I loved the avocado. We were guzzling pitchers full of the sugar-free (and no carb) iced green tea, so I went to the grocery to get more mix. I found myself at the deli counter getting all kinds of things and noticed my basket was nearly full. I suppose this is fine because I wasn't even tempted to get anything bad, which is a major advantage for me.

On traditional diets, I found all kinds of ways of rationalizing a little snack here or a bite or two of something decadent, saying I wasn't completely blowing the diet, just having a treat. Now I know that if I scarf down something illicit, it really will sabotage my entire day. To that extent, I'm being a lot more disciplined as far as only eating carb-free foods and carefully counting those that do have them. Thusfar, I'm really satisfied, too.

The Ropa Vieja was a smashing success. We improvised a chicken version and melted pepper jack cheese on top. I hope it's not immodest to say it rivaled the best dishes I've ever had at my very favorite Mexican restaurant. I will absolutely have to make this again. (When I do, I'll be sure to write up the recipe to share).

It also occurred to me as I was boiling water for Jello, that I could make more than one package at a time. Since it takes 4-5 hours to properly set, and I rarely think to make it before 8:30, my boyfriend and I spend a lot of time dancing around the fridge, impatiently poking at it and waiting to have some. This time I made the double-size (4 cups) box of raspberry, as well as a box of strawberry where I substituted diet cranberry ginger ale for cold water. We were both especially curious about this one, and it was really quite fabulous, though not as bubbly as I thought it would be. I got all kinds of ideas for other ways of preparing it, however, like clear gelatin with just the cranberry ginger ale flavor or a light-colored (peach maybe?) Jello with the pink added to get sparkly light pink cubes. I'll play more.

Atkins, Day Eight

Today I didn't have anything explicitly due, though I have an abundance of work I should be doing. Instead I've found myself enjoying the sunshine, painting, and similar.

• 12:30 pm - scrambled eggs & Italian breakfast sausages, 16 oz Diet Coke
  
  


• 2:00 pm - 16 oz Diet Coke, One-a-Day WeightSmart multivitamin, chromium picolinate


• 8:35 pm - 16 oz water


• 8:43 pm - mint green tea with half & half and Splenda
  
  


• 9:40 pm - 2 tbsp extra creamy Cool Whip, 1/2 slice deli turkey, handful salted mixed nuts, baby dill pickle


• 10:15 pm - broiled pepper-edged steak, green beans with garlic butter, 16 oz Diet Coke
  
  


• 10:27 pm - handful mixed nuts, 16 oz Diet Coke


• 11:39 pm - sugar-free cherry Jello with extra creamy Cool Whip
  
  

Today was a really good day. In the midst of having so much work to do, I genuinely enjoyed myself. My boyfriend went to the grocery and got a bunch of tasty things - you can see at my 9:40 listing that he had just gotten home and we were both grazing over the items as we put them away.

It's funny, but mint green tea is becoming one of my favorite treats. I'm going to have to get a box of it because this was my last bag from a variety pack.

We discovered that having Cool Whip around the house is super-dangerous. Though it's only a few grams of carbs per serving, it's immensely difficult to limit oneself to only one serving. My boyfriend kept wandering over to the fridge and taking out spoonfuls or over-serving himself on his Jello. I was considerably more restrained, and I found that having the Cool Whip with cherry Jello is an unbelievably satisfying dessert.

Atkins, Day Seven

My main focus today was on a really important final exam. I was frantically studying up until minutes before I had to leave (I was actually a few minutes late), so food was at the bottom of my list of priorities. Fortunately, my boyfriend made me a nice breakfast as well as a lunch which I shoved down my throat barely tasting. I'm very glad he did, or I know I wouldn't have been able to concentrate on my exam.

• 2:00 pm - eggs & egg whites scrambled with cream cheese, salt & pepper, 16 oz water
  
  


• 5:00 pm - kielbasa & sauerkraut with mustard on a salsa-flavored low-carb wrap, 16 oz water


• 10:00 pm - 16 oz water


• 11:00 pm - kielbasa & sauerkraut with onions, 16 oz sugar-free iced green tea, 16 oz water

The second kielbasa dish was much better than the wrap, I think because the sauerkraut flavor really penetrated deep into it and cut some of the grease. Now that I think of it, my boyfriend made this for me as well - he's a really nice guy!

Atkins, Day Six

Today caused a bit of trepidation, as I had two end-of-semester parties during my class times. I was sort of annoyed at myself because instead of looking forward to them, I was grumbling that they would blow my "diet."

As it turned out the first one was a breakfast, and the only options were bagels with cream cheese, so I just had some black coffee. By the second one, I had cheered up quite a lot and decided to just enjoy myself and have a good time.

• 8:40 am - smoked gouda, 16 oz Diet Coke, piece of Whitening gum


• 10:40 am - black coffee


• 12:50 pm - 2 ground chicken patties with cheese
  
  


• 1:25 pm - 16 oz Diet Pepsi, second 1/2 bag of salted cashews


• 3-8 pm (party) - bite of cheesecake brownie, bite of regular brownie, 3 big rum drinks each with a splash of regular Coke, glass of sake, carrots & whole grain Wheat Thins dipped in hummus, tomato with mozzarella and oil


• 12:00 am - beef curry with onions and green beans, 16-20 oz Diet Pepsi, 32 oz sugar free iced green tea

I'm glad I relaxed at the second party because I had a wonderful time. I also got pretty smashed, but since I didn't make an ass of myself, it wasn't a bad thing.

My boyfriend prepared a delicious curry using minute steaks that was truly out of this world. He used unsweetened soy milk to thicken the sauce, and it came out fantastic.

Atkins, Day Five

Today I woke up knowing it would be a crazy busy day. I had back to back classes and meetings until around 9pm, so it was a challenge finding food to fit in my schedule.

• 9:30 am - omelet made with onions, bacon & cheese, 16 oz Diet Coke
  
  


• 2:01 pm - piece of Trident Whitening gum


• 4:50 pm - strawberry banana Dannon Light n' Fit yogurt, half a bag of salted cashews, piece of Trident sugar-free gum, 20 oz Diet Coke


• 9:50 pm - high fiber Wasa bread with liverwurst and mustard

The omelet was pretty filling, thankfully, and carried me through most of the day. My stomach was growling just before my evening class, so I grabbed the yogurt and cashews at the school cafeteria. I lamented that there were 11 grams of carbs per serving (7 of which were sugar), but as it turns out I had little need to worry since I was too tired to eat very much when I got home.

I noticed that my packs of gum all say they have less than 1 gram of carbs per serving, which is all good and well, but if I eat several pieces a day, I suspect it starts adding up. For that reason, I've been trying to keep track of gum and mints I eat as well, as they could be a hidden damage area.

Otherwise today was not bad. I just wish I'd made more of an effort to get my full nutrition in.

Atkins, Day Four

I slept pretty late today, but didn't get started eating until the afternoon.

• 3:25 pm - 16 oz Diet Coke


• 3:46 pm - high fiber Wasa bread with liverwurst & mustard
  
  


• 4:07 pm - mint green tea with half & half and Splenda
  
  


• 6:02 pm - 16 oz water, One-a-Day WeightSmart multivitamin, chromium picolinate


• 6:05 pm - beef dish with cheese, 16 oz Diet Coke
  
  


• 9:22 pm - turkey, cheese, herb salad, mustard, and low-fat mayonnaise on half a low-carb salsa-flavored wrap, 16 oz Diet Coke
  
  


• 10:40 pm - smoked gouda


• 12:57 am - 16 oz Diet Coke, sugar-free cranberry Jello
  
  


• 2:30 am - smoked gouda


• 2:45 am - grilled chicken patty, 16 oz Diet Coke
  
  


• 3:00 am - faux cheesecake with Jello mixed in, 2 dill pickles, handful of raw almonds

Today was pretty good eating. The mint green tea was such a treat - it may just be my new favorite sweet. I realize that the things I eat get stranger as it gets later into the night... this is probably how I gained weight in the first place.

The Jello was also really tasty - the cranberry was a great flavor, and I liked that it wasn't too sweet. My boyfriend and I both agreed we should think ahead and make Jello more often.

I was stoked to grill the ground chicken patty on the George Foreman grill as well. Somehow using a counter-top appliance that wipes clean is much more appealing than getting out (or cleaning) a big old frying pan.

Atkins, Day Three

I woke up pretty late today and was feeling rather grumpy. I noticed that my pee smelled absolutely terrible, which I guess means the diet is working, but my weight was actually up half a pound, at 180. Hmm.

• 3:40 pm - bacon, eggs scrambled with salt, pepper & hot sauce, coffee with half & half and Splenda
  
  


• 10:15 pm - ground beef dish (from yesterday) with cheese, 32 oz water


• 10:48 pm - 2 cheese dogs


• 11:13 pm - dill pickle, One-a-Day WeightSmart multivitamin, chromium picolinate supplement


• 1:40 am - turkey and cheese roll-ups, 16 oz Diet Coke
  
  


• 1:50 am - dill pickle, 16 oz Diet Coke

Good day. Easy enough.

Interesting Links

I was reading Slashfood (probably an unwise habit when dieting) and came across a link to this post on Diet Blog:
What do 300 Calorie Meals Look Like?

A familiar format, but do I daresay, some of mine look better? ;-)

They linked to the photo source, My Photo Diet, a visual weight loss guide designed by two doctors. Nice.

Atkins, Day Two

My weight this morning? 179.5. That's 2 pounds less than it was at the same time yesterday.

I'm very tempted to say "Oh it's just water weight," except that looking back on yesterday, I can see I drank a lot of liquids. This could be really good.

• 8:04 am - handful of raw almonds


• 3:49 pm - 12 oz can Diet Coke Plus
  
  


• 4:48 pm - Burger King chicken Caesar salad
  
  


• 5:10 pm - dill pickle spear


• 6:15 pm - 2 cheese dogs (grilled), 16 oz Diet Dr Pepper, 16 oz water


• 9:30 pm - ground beef cooked with garlic, onions, green pepper, mushrooms, chili powder, red pepper, paprika, cumin & hot sauce, topped with sharp Cheddar cheese; 32 oz water
  
  


• 11:20 pm - coffee with half & half and Splenda, 4 slices of pepperoni


• 2:18 am - cheese dog


• 4:47 am - 12 oz Diet Dr Pepper, dill pickle spear, 2 slices deli turkey, handful of raw almonds, One-a-Day WeightSmart multivitamin

Today worked out pretty well, though I stayed up really late working (strange for a Friday night, I know). I went to the grocery and stocked up on all kinds of meat and cheese and veggies, which made my boyfriend quite happy.

The Burger King salad was spectacular, though I hope I didn't go over for carbs - I know the dressing had 4 grams and the salad included some baby carrots and tomatoes, which I enjoyed immensely.

The beef dish was an interesting caprice, in that I had planned to mix it with more Red Pack picante sauce, but I forgot that I had put it back on the shelf at the grocery. I remembered this just as I started rummaging the cupboard to add it. Whoops. It challenged me to come up with a more robust combination of spices, and these proved quite delicious. Mixed with lots of sharp Cheddar cheese, it was fabulous.

Atkins, Day One

Technically we started Atkins with dinner last night: 3 mini cheeseburgers and a big salad with carb-free Caesar dressing.



My first thought on waking this morning: Wow, I'm really hungry.

There have been days when I've gone to bed without eating, and not woken up so hungry. I had to rush to move my car, so I didn't have time to eat anything, but eventually my stomach growling subsided. Still, I was surprised. Does this mean my metabolism was actually doing something, or is it simply that a lack of carbs (and not too much food overall yesterday) causes a lack of energy?

For simplicity's sake, I'm going to keep a running list of things I eat and drink today with times so I can track my appetite (I won't do this everyday, promise):

• 9:44 am - chunk of Cheddar cheese (approx 1 oz), big glass of Diet Coke


• 10:10 am - 3-egg omelet with mushrooms and Cheddar cheese, cooked in butter; One-a-Day Weight Smart multivitamin; 16 oz glass of water
  
  


• 12:05 pm - 16 oz water


• 2:25 pm - fresh herb salad with creamy Caesar dressing, 16 oz glass of Diet Coke
  
  


• 4:20 pm - hazelnut coffee with half & half and Splenda


• 5:50 pm - handful of raw almonds


• 7:06 pm - 16 oz water


• 7:33 pm - grilled hot Italian sausage cooked with garlic, onions, and green peppers in spicy tomato sauce, 2 large glasses of Diet Coke
  
  


• 8:39 pm - handful of raw almonds


• 9:10 pm - piece of Cheddar cheese (about 1/2 oz)


• 10:40 pm - "cheesecake" made with fat-free cream cheese, vanilla protein powder, Splenda & sugar-free apricot preserves

I guess that wasn't too insane. I felt light-headed most of the day, but I'm pretty sure it's unrelated.

The sausage dish was fantastic and really enjoyable, in part I think because it was so hot and spicy. By grilling the sausage first, we drained a lot of the grease out of them, so I didn't feel overwhelmed with fat like I did the last time on Atkins.

Toward the end of the evening, I was really tired and cranky and kept wanting to snack on something like crackers or make a PBJ sandwich, but I resisted. The fake cheesecake really satisfied that dessert-type craving, though in the future I'll probably make it with regular cream cheese, since the fat-free was slightly unpalatable.

I don't really like counting carbs, but I think my break-down goes something like: 2-3 for cheese, 5 from tomato sauce, 5 from apricot preserves, and probably 3 or so from almonds; total = 15-16, which is still below the 20 I'm allowed and leaves room for any incidental ones.

The Post I've Been Dreading

I would imagine that my absence speaks volumes in this case, but it doesn't take too much imagination to realize that I've gone off my diet again.

I barely made it two weeks on this new diet, and I was loving it... but I just got sick of dieting completely. My rationalizations are as follows:

• it was way, way too expensive
• it took too much time and concentration away from schoolwork
• no matter what I did or ate, my weight stayed in the same fluctuation of about 180-184
• I felt terrible, overly emotional, and increasingly really deprived and miserable
• I didn't need any more sources of stress in my life

Ridiculous, I know. At first I only planned to go off the diet for a few days until we sorted our finances out (a bit of a snafu with student loans and such). We ordered a bunch of take-out and were eating one big meal per day, usually as cheaply as possible. At first I enjoyed it, but I was even getting tired of that.

As the time off my meal plan increased past a week, we started eating a little more sensibly, buying ingredients for sandwiches or more balanced meals.. but then we also started buying ice cream and treats. While it was certainly a relief to not have to plan and prepare all these fussy little meals, it's not like it freed me of having to deal with food entirely. I recognized that I had become despondent and depressed, but I just stopped caring about trying to lose weight. As it was, I neither lost nor gained weight, which made my efforts at dieting even more frustrating.

For simplicity's sake, let's say my body operates on the following equation:
weight loss = diet x exercise

No matter what I ate, then, if my exercise remained at 0, so would my weight loss. This is a very easy concept, but I just couldn't accept it. I was furious that the only changes to my weight came in retaining water and then seeming to "lose" when my body stopped retaining. The bottom line was never going down, not even gradually.

This is the state of mind I was in yesterday. I had talked at length with my parents and my brother (all of whom are struggling to lose weight as well) about how frustrating and demoralizing this all is. My father told me how his doctor had said that Atkins is good for short-term, quick weight loss, but not really a healthy lifestyle. My brother insists that Atkins is the way for him, but he's stopped losing weight because he cheats so much. My mother meanwhile persists in losing weight on NutriSystem, but very gradually, and she's not always happy about it, causing her to cheat often as well.

I thought it over yesterday, and as I was leaving for my evening class, I remembered we needed groceries, so I asked my boyfriend if he would pick something up for dinner and have it here when I got home (since I hate rushing from class to catch the grocery before it closes at 10). I surprised myself by asking if we could do Atkins for a while, but he was immediately agreeable, so I figured we'd go for it. I know all the health risks, and I myself would be the first to clamor on about how unnatural it is.

But right now, I want to lose some damn weight and not have to constantly think so much about it. For now, I'm going to say I'll just do it through the end of the semester (which is these 2 weeks), then see how I feel and evaluate my progress. Maybe once I have more time and my finances sorted out, I can give sensible dieting another crack. I'm also going to try to do this without all the rigamoralle of photos and blogging every single meal, since I worry that while that keeps me accountable and honest with myself, it also makes it very easy to decide I don't feel like staying on the diet because those activities take too much time or are a hassle.

The way I feel about all this is kind of ashamed, lazy, and overly simplistic, but I see it like this (forgive the extended metaphor): if I were to go to the gym right now and get on an exercise bike or something, yes, it would kick my butt. I would be sore and exhausted and gasping for breath in no time. Meanwhile, part way through writing this entry, I got a phone call and had to run downstairs (I live on the 5th floor of an apartment building). I decided to take the stairs, and since I was beating myself up, I declared that I would take them back up, too, which is something I almost never do. By the fourth floor, my legs were aching and I was starting to lose my breath, but I realized I only had one more floor to go, so I ran the last set. When I got back to my apartment, I was really out of breath and my legs hurt, and I spent a minute berating myself, but when I was finished, I thought "ehn, that really wasn't so bad," and I know that the next time I take the stairs (which I plan to start doing more regularly), it will be a little bit easier.

So with all this diet and exercise stuff, I know that the road is still long and difficult, even if I take a brief short-cut. The thing is, I feel like if I have some little jump forward, lose a few pounds so I can say "yes, I made some progress finally," then it won't be so abysmal to think of running the next leg of the marathon and really pulling my discipline and faculties together. I realize that my language is full of rationalizations and justifications, but I'm at a pretty desperate point to just see something improve.

As of today, my weight is 181.5. Let's see what happens.

GI Day Seventeen

I woke up exhausted from all the paperwork and organizing I did yesterday, and I was incredible stressed and overwhelmed because I had so much schoolwork to do that I couldn't see my family for Easter. As I dragged myself around through the day, I really grew to resent this fact, and eventually I just blew it.

Breakfast

• oatmeal with blueberries, soy nuts, cinnamon & Splenda
• egg white omelet with green pepper, onion & low-fat Cheddar cheese
• green tea with Splenda

I do love this breakfast, but I wasn't as satisfied this time as usual. I think hormonally, my body just wants more calories this time of the month or something because as soon as I finished, I was in the mood for something else.


Lunch

• beef and cheese tacos with salsa, lettuce, tomatoes, avocado & fresh cilantro
• green grapes

I did not eat right away and instead made myself work for four hours between meals, but I wasn't happy about it. Literally, all day, I was thinking about what I was going to make for my next meal. We didn't have enough groceries in the house to really put together a substantive dinner, and as I fretted about where I would find a grocery that was open, I found myself really struggling to concentrate on my work.


Dinner

• Papa John's pizza (not pictured)

I made the conscientious and appalling decision that I was just not bothering with the diet anymore. I was annoyed about missing Easter to do work, I was mad at myself for not buying groceries sooner, and I was stressed about how I could even afford all this expensive food anymore seeing as I was worrying about how to come up with this month's rent.

Basically, I sabotaged myself, and woefully disregarded all the "progress" I was making in favor of doing whatever I wanted so I could concentrate on my work.

I'm not proud, and I wish I could say I rebounded, but as you'll see, I didn't.

GI Day Sixteen

I woke up a little earlier than usual today, but mystifyingly the alarm I set never went off... quite frustrating. My boyfriend and I had a rather protracted argument, the result of which was that I had to spend the day doing paperwork (bleh).


Breakfast

• lite whole grain English muffin with low sodium deli turkey and a bit of low-sodium ham
• almonds
• 1% milk

Despite complaining that he hated the low-sodium turkey, my boyfriend ate enough that I was short what I needed for this sandwich. Fortunately, I had the ham to swap in, and I think it's about even.

Can't say enough good things about these English muffins. Awesome.


Lunch

• beef and cheese tacos with salsa, lettuce, tomatoes, avocado & fresh cilantro
• green grapes

Another favorite, definitely enjoyable. The avocado was a bit under-ripe, but still tasty.


Snack

• whole wheat tortilla chips with salsa, creamy Parmesan dressing, and low-fat Cheddar cheese

I got these delicious whole wheat tortilla chips, which made for excellent nachos. I was in a lousy mood when I made these, but I perked right up with how much I enjoyed them.


Dinner

• toasted ham & low-fat Cheddar on flatbread with mustard and mayonnaise
• lettuce, tomatoes, bell pepper & fat-free Italian dressing
• dill pickle

This sandwich was fantastic. I baked and then broiled the sandwich to give it a crisp pannini-like texture, which contrasted beautifully with the melty cheese and creamy warm mayo.

The salad was delicious, and I was stoked that the meal called for a dill pickle, since I absolutely love those. Admittedly, I use them as sort of "free" rewards for myself on occasion, so it was nice that this one was sanctioned.

Evening Snack
skipped

Seventh Weigh-In

181. Down 2 pounds from my last official weigh-in... though actually down 5 since Monday.

I cannot take any credit for this, since I'm sure it's just water weight and having skipped so many meals. Once again, I've got to admonish myself for not exercising or doing anything else proactive in weight loss.

Though for now, honestly, I'd settle for feeling better (and for my nose to stop dripping) and getting my life back on track. Solid diet, healthy sleep schedule, and a good dose of catching up on work should do it.

GI Day Fifteen

Once again today I slept very late and woke up feeling incredibly worn out and emotional. I am not sure what's going on (maybe it's hormones?) but I just don't feel like myself.

I had to go to the grocery before I could make breakfast, and the U2 song "With or Without You" came on. I didn't even realize I was listening to it, but I was kind of singing along in my head, then felt like bawling. For no real reason, I just wanted to sit in the middle of the aisle and have a good cry. I maintained my composure, but was confused at that impulse, as well as the way I kept snapping at my boyfriend for relatively innocuous comments or requests all afternoon.

I dunno, I'm just very on edge lately. Perhaps it's stress, perhaps it's too much sleep and not enough diet/exercise, perhaps it's everything at once.


Breakfast

• lite whole grain English muffin with low-sodium deli turkey
• 1% milk
• almonds

I found this meal quite a nice pick-me-up after feeling so lousy for so long. I was glad to have a fridge restocked with fresh ingredients, and I threw out the rest of the things which were on the edge of going bad, thinking it best not to take chances with our health.

I never thought I cared very much for English muffins, but these light whole grain ones are just fantastic - I think I'm officially a convert.


Lunch

• beef tacos with salsa, low-fat Cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, avocado, and fresh cilantro
• green grapes

I made sure that I cooked this beef the day I got it so it wouldn't go bad like the last batch. Fortunately all the vegetables were fresh - if anything the avocado was a bit under ripe.

My boyfriend and I both really enjoyed these immensely, and it was nice to cook a meal together again.


Afternoon Snack

• celery, low-sodium ham & fat free cream cheese

When I read the ingredients for this snack, I thought it was intriguing, but I wasn't quite sure how it would all come together. This method.. didn't quite work. When my boyfriend saw me preparing it, he asked "Is that snack called Sliced Member?" Yeah, gross.

The taste was not bad, but the textures were a little baffling. I'll have to think through some better way of combining these ingredients (maybe just have ham and cheese roll-ups with the celery on the side).


Dinner

• whole grain flat bread pizza made with spicy tomato sauce, low-fat mozzarella cheese, onions, green pepper, and Canadian bacon
• fresh herb salad with baby carrots, cherry tomatoes, and fat-free raspberry pecan dressing
• green grapes

This pizza was fantastic - I baked it rather than broiled it, and the crust got nice and crisp while still remaining doughy in the center. The only down-side was that because I didn't cook the onions and peppers first, they had a slightly raw flavor. It was still delicious, but for the time I baked it, I might as well have cooked the toppings first.

The salad was a little distressing because I had wanted to get more of my very favorite lite creamy Parmesan dressing and... they didn't have any! I know, not a big deal, and yet, I was gutted. This dressing was merely okay, but certainly paled in comparison to the Parmesan I've come to love so much.


Evening Snack
skipped
I dozed off before I got around to making the yogurt I'd planned and decided it wasn't a big deal to skip. I hope I'm not wrong about this, as I've been doing a lot of skipping this week.