Note

I've lapsed, rather a lot. I didn't so much fall off the diet as leapt.

Fortunately I've decided to get back on track, beginning today.

I may go back and post some of the meals that I had last week (both good and bad), but at this point I'm trying to focus forward and begin making real changes.

Even though I haven't made even half as much progress as I wanted to by this point, I've still made too much to discount all my efforts or, worse, decide to give up and gain all the weight back with abominable meal decisions.

I'm going to do as I've been promising myself - take my time to enjoy cooking, enjoy eating, and enjoy using my body to exercise. I have to get back to the mind-set that this is a lifestyle change and not just a means to an end, so I'd better start enjoying my new life, right?

Dinner, Day Eighty-Six

skipped.

After having a very long and busy weekend, I was very tired and not in the mood to cook. I figured I would probably even out okay after having so many beers the night before and a bunch of meals off the meal plan.

I don't really feel bad about the things I ate this weekend, seeing as I walked around so much and, quite frankly, had a blast. I feel like I was on vacation - and maybe you need that once in a while to be able to make a diet (or more accurately, new lifestyle) stick.

Snack, Day Eighty-Six

(not pictured)

• 1 slice key lime pie (with graham cracker crust)

We went to a specialty shop and picked up a pie, so I decided to have a slice with my parents. I'm sure it's not super-healthy, but it was oh-so-delicious.

Lunch, Day Eighty-Six

• 1 hamburger with slice of cheese
• 2 cups salad greens with dressing

I went out to lunch with my parents, but fortunately I was able to approximate one of my meal plan meals with this. And of course it was much tastier than hamburgers cooked in my frying pan at home!

Breakfast, Day Eighty-Six

• 1 whole wheat sandwich roll
• 1 oz ham
• 2 oz American cheese
• 1/2 cup skim milk
• 1/4 cup dried pineapple

I skipped the mayonnaise since I had full-fat cheese... I don't know if these things even out, but the sandwich didn't even need mayo with such flavorful cheese.

I'm always surprised by how good dried pineapple tastes with ham. I know pineapple and ham are a good combination, but I forget about it until I have this combination. Yum.

Dinner, Day Eighty-Five

(not pictured)

• ruben made with corned beef, mozzarella & sauerkraut on whole wheat
• some french fries

We went to a party and ended up staying up until sunrise. At some point we decided to go to a diner, where I ordered a ruben. I didn't eat most of my fries - the friends I was with had them for me.

I was going to feel guilty for eating stuff off the meal plan (I can't imagine a ruben falls within nutritional guidelines), but what I should probably be more concerned with is the amount of wine and beer I had - that is absolutely just empty calories. I feel like I know there is room in a diet to have fun and celebrate once in a while, yet I still wish I'd chosen something a little better, like liquor and soda or similar. Then again it's not like I drank all that much (since I am a lightweight), so it could have been worse. And I did have an awesome time.

Snack, Day Eighty-Five

• 16 reduced-fat Wheat Thins
• 1/2 oz spicy three-pepper hummus
• 1/2 cup skim milk

Before going out, I figured I should get something substantive in me. I wasn't really hungry after having a late lunch, but I knew that it was not smart to go drink on an empty stomach.

I was very glad to remember I could have such a tasty snack, which I enjoyed thoroughly.

Lunch, Day Eighty-Five

(not pictured)

• Angus hot dog with chili and cheddar cheese
• french fries
• beer milkshake

We went out to a fun local place, and I didn't really want to order a salad, so I went with a chili dog instead. It was probably not so bad, considering it was an all-beef hot dog and the chili was homemade with lima beans and several lentils, though obviously sharing French fries with the guys or ordering a beer milkshake (I know it sounds disgusting, but it's incredibly delicious) was excessive.

I wanted to enjoy myself though, and I definitely did, so I can't feel too bad.

Breakfast, Day Eighty-Five

• 2 slices whole wheat bread
• 1 oz ham
• 2 oz. veggie cheese
• 1/2 tbsp low-fat mayonnaise
• 1/2 cup skim milk
• 1 apple

We've had an unexpected house guest this weekend, so I bought a bunch of ham thinking that he and my boyfriend could make sandwiches and I could have this fabulous breakfast a couple times.

Weigh-In Week Thirteen

183.5. Down another pound. Cool.

I didn't get to exercising this week, and my meal preparation was kind of scanty... mostly I just vegged out after a long and tiring semester. Next week I begin a summer class and plan to get into the full swing of my projects, so it will be important to work healthy eating into my new schedule.

I'm looking forward to it!


Weight Loss This Week: 1 pound
Total Weight Loss: 18.5 pounds

(can't wait till I've lost 20!)

Snack, Day Eighty-Four

• 16 Wheat Thins with 1/2 oz. spicy three-pepper hummus and 1/2 cup skim milk (not pictured)

I had been craving this hummus, so I was very happy to have it again. So happy that I didn't stop to scoop it out of the container or take a photo - heh, whoops. But you can imagine it would have looked just like this.

Lunch & Dinner, Day Eighty-Four

sort of skipped.

All day I had a plan for a double recipe of pasta I was going to prepare, but I kept putting it off until I was ready to go to bed nearly.

I microwaved 2 slices of veggie cheese on a whole wheat roll and resolved to work harder at the meals I prepare in coming days.

Breakfast, Day Eighty-Four

• 1 slice whole wheat bread with 1-1/2 tbsp Jif peanut butter
• 1/2 cup low-fat cottage cheese
• 1/4 cup dried papaya
• 1 orange

Oh man, any breakfast that includes peanut butter is a good one. This was fabulous, and I really enjoyed having two fruits as well (even if the recipe called for like, cantaloupe and berries). Now that it's spring, I really should make an effort to have more fresh fruits on hand, as they do fill out meals nicer than dried... but the fact that these dried fruits don't go bad before I can use them certainly weighs heavily in their favor.

Snack, Day Eighty-Three

• 3 Triscuits with 1/2 oz spicy three-pepper hummus
• 1/2 cup skim milk

This hummus was frighteningly tasty - the three peppers it has are red and green bell peppers and... jalapenos! Oh man, talk about delicious. It's so spicy and tangy and absolutely perfect. This snack really hit the spot.

Dinner, Day Eighty-Three

• 1/2 cup ricotta cheese mixed with 1/4 cup dried papaya and Sweet n' Low
• 10 Triscuits
• 1 cup lettuce with splash of balsamic vinegar

I still haven't been in the mood for cooking, and this is one of the easier and more delicious non-cooking options. It did not work as well with papaya as it had with pineapple - somehow there was a pervasive bitter, chemical taste, which may also have been the Sweet n' Low (we usually use Splenda).

I also have not resolved the salad dressing situation (i.e. all the stores around me seem only to stock full-fat dressings), though a splash of balsamic vinegar was definitely flavorful and delicious.

Lunch, Day Eighty-Three

• 2 oz ground beef cooked with 1/2 red bell pepper, 1 oz. mushrooms & a sprinkle of low-fat cheddar cheese
• 1/2 cup peas and carrots
• 1 banana

This started out as one of my boyfriend's creations that he very nicely prepared for me. Attempting to balance the meat combination, I added the starchy vegetables and fruit, and it became a very satisfying meal.

Breakfast, Day Eighty-Three

• 1/2 red bell pepper cooked in 1/3 tbsp olive oil with 2 eggs, black pepper & sprinkle of parmesan cheese
• 5 Triscuits
• 2 slices Morningstar Farms meatless bacon
• 1/4 cup dried papaya
• 3/4 cup skim milk

When done right, this is quickly becoming my favorite meal. This time I was patient and made sure I let the peppers get really tender, then I took care not to overcook the eggs like I usually do, so they were not crumbly, rather smooth and delicious.

This was just a fabulous breakfast and made me so happy to prepare. I owe it to myself to keep the ingredients on hand so I can make it whenever I want.

Lunch, Dinner, Snack, Day Eighty-Two

sort of skipped -

Grazed on bites of eggs, cheese, sausage, (whatever my boyfriend was eating), 1 cheese danish, 1 small fudge nut brownie.

I wasn't really feeling great and mostly couldn't motivate to prepare anything as a specific meal. I rationalized that by taking bites of all the things I wanted, it was better than pigging out on them... but in the long run I would have been better off to have just eaten them as part of a more balanced meal than to have gone sort of hungry and still feeling bad most of the day.

Ah well.

Breakfast, Day Eight-Two

• 1 oz. dry oatmeal with 1/2 tbsp raisins, 1-1/2 tbsp almonds & 2 oz low-fat mozzarella cheese
• 1/4 cup dried pineapple
• green tea

I think I finally got the right balance of flavors by adding sweet n' low to this sort of cheese porridge concoction. Very tasty.

Dinner, Day Eighty-One

• 1 banana, 1/2 oz cereal with one crumbled-up graham cracker, 1 tbsp wheat germ, 1-1/4 tbsp peanut butter, 1-1/2 tsp honey, cinnamon & nutmeg

These are the same ingredients as yesterday's hilarious Banana Roll Treat, but mashed up in a bowl.

I actually hadn't meant to have this, but we only had 1/2 oz of cereal, so I figured what the heck, I'll make it a big gooey treat. And man, it was soooo good.

Lunch & Snack, Day Eight-One

• Burger King grilled chicken salad with Ken's lite Italian dressing (not pictured)
• small order of French fries

My boyfriend went to Burger King, as he is allowed to devour as many bacon double cheeseburgers as he wants as long as they don't have buns. He was very sweet and brought me back this salad, which was fantastically delicious and actually allowed by my meal plan!

The fries... which yes, I asked for... were not. But I've decided they will count as my snack, heh.

Breakfast, Day Eighty-One

• 1 oz Total with 1 tbsp wheat germ, 1-1/2 tbsp almonds, 2 tbsp raisins & 1 cup milk

What a fantastic breakfast. I'm not sure I'll ever get tired of this one!

Dinner, Day Eighty

• 1 whole wheat hamburger roll
• 3 oz ground beef with approx. 1/4 cup tomato sauce, garlic powder
• 1 cup lettuce with 1 tbsp fat-free sour cream
• 1/4 cup dried pineapple

I wanted to make a sloppy Joe, though I still don't really know how they're made. I tried this recently with a turkey sloppy Joe, and while it definitely works much better with beef, I still haven't got it quite right.

We're out of fat-free Italian dressing, and the store down the street only sells full-fat or low-carb/regular-fat dressings now (grrrr). I had been to a Mexican restaurant a while ago where they'd glopped the sour cream on top of a side salad, and I had found it to be a nice compliment, so I decided to have sour cream instead of the other dressings we had (French, blech). As it happened, a lot of the beef fell out of the roll, so I ended up stirring it all together and having a kind of salad situation - it was messy but delicious.

Lunch, Day Eighty

• 2-1/2 oz tuna with 1-1/2 tbsp low-fat mayonnaise, lemon juice & black pepper
• 2 slices whole wheat bread
• 2 cups lettuce with 2 tbsp fat-free French dressing
• 1 orange

My boyfriend bought oil-packed tuna instead of water-packed (he still didn't seem to understand the difference when I showed him the near 1/3 cup of oil I strained out). Even though I rinsed and strained as much of the oil off as I could, the tuna was still a lot... moister than I might have liked. As in it was sliding off the bread.

I realize that the extra fat is probably not a huge amount, but the way it impacted flavor was startling. Usually in the case of cheese or other dishes, extra fat is a good thing, but here it overpowered the tangy lemon and pepper flavors so all I could taste was oil. Bizarre.

Still a great sandwich even with that though, which is to say it's hard to truly ruin a classic.

Snack, Day Eighty

• 1 Nature Valley Trail Mix chewy mixed berry granola bar

I was cleaning out the cupboard and was astonished to find the box with one more of these granola bars, which I thought I'd finished weeks ago!

I ate it immediately without thinking about whether I actually wanted it as my snack today or not... fortunately it is an acceptable option, though I kind of wanted to try the new hummus I got.

Breakfast, Day Eighty

• 1 banana
• 1-1/4 tbsp peanut butter mixed with 1-1/2 tsp honey
• 1 oz crushed Total cereal, 1 tbsp wheat germ, nutmeg & cinnamon

This may be the most hilarious breakfast I've ever made. I've seen it pop up on my meal plan before, but today I figured it was time to give the Banana Roll Treat a try.

It was messy, difficult to make and handle, and totally unattractive before I re-plated it. However, it was incredibly delicious. I seriously suspected that they're employing some major stoners at the meal plan test kitchen, but it held together flavor-wise and was actually pretty fun.

I think if I made it again, I'd probably mash everything up together into a crumble kind of thing.

Snack, Day Seventy-Nine

• 2 (2.5-in square) graham crackers with 2/3 tbsp peanut butter

We ran out of the Smart Balance, but when I went to the store I could only find regular Jif. I picked up a small jar, thinking it would be about the same but WOW - I completely forgot how absolutely amazing peanut butter is! It's so creamy and flavorful and sweet and complex! I LOVE peanut butter!!!

I am almost afraid of how much I enjoy it now - with the Smart Balance I would kind of scrimp to make sure I didn't overspread because it turns out I wasn't wild about the flavor... now that I have come to my senses with the glory that is Jif, it's going to be a challenge to keep the proper serving size!

Dinner, Day Seventy-Nine

• 1 flour tortilla, 1/2 green bell pepper, 2 oz canned sliced mushrooms, 1/4 cup salsa, 2 oz. low-fat cheese
• 1/4 cup dried pineapple

I know I said I was gonna stop making pizzas this way, but man it is so delicious! I did not roast the peppers this time either but I decided the gratification of eating it sooner sort of balances the slight improvement over sauteed mushrooms (as in my peppers and eggs breakfast).

I really enjoy dried pineapple.

Lunch, Day Seventy-Nine

• 2-1/2 oz ground beef cooked with garlic powder, onion powder & 1/4 cup tomato sauce
• 1/2 oz veggie cheese
• 1/2 cup lettuce
• 1/2 medium tomato
• 1 tbsp salsa
• 1/4 cup dried papaya

In making the beef tostada this time, I wanted the cheese to melt, so I put it directly on top of the hot beef and sauce in small torn-up pieces. I mixed the salsa in with the other vegetables, which kicked the flavor up something fantastic.

I was really pleased that such subtle changes could so wonderfully improve one of my favorite dishes.

Breakfast, Day Seventy-Nine

• 1/2 bell pepper sauteed in 1/3 tsp olive oil, 2 eggs & 1 tsp parmesan cheese
• 5 Triscuits
• 2 slices Morningstar Farms vegetarian bacon
• 1/4 cup dried pineapple
• 3/4 cup skim milk

I washed a bunch of dishes and cleaned the kitchen some after going to the grocery, so that I could actually relax as I prepared what has become my treat-myself breakfast.

I keep forgetting to season the eggs with black pepper or anything, so sometimes they taste a bit bland, but the little touch of parmesan does help.

Snack, Day Seventy-Eight

• 1/2 oz garlic & herb soy crisps
• 1/4 cup dried papaya

I can't believe I've never had these before - they were delicious! I hadn't ever seen them at the store on our corner, so when I did I was very pleased.

The snack actually called for 1/2 cup unsweetened fruit juice, but since we didn't have any, I swapped it out for some dried fruit. I would have loved some cran-raspberry or pomegranate juice, so I'll have to remember to pick some up next time I get these soy crisps.

Dinner, Day Seventy-Eight

• 1 oz low-carb enriched macaroni
• 1/4 small onion, garlic, 2 oz fresh mushrooms, 3 oz firm tofu, basil, 4 oz tomato sauce
• 1 cup lettuce with 1 tbsp fat-free Ranch dressing
• 1/2 cup crushed pineapple

This was a pretty tasty dish, but for some reason the mushroom flavor seemed to overpower everything else. It didn't go especially well with the kind of protein-ish flavor of the pasta either. Couple that with my having added too much water to the sauce, and this dish fell on its face a little bit.

I let it sit some so that the pasta could absorb some of the liquid, but it was really hurting for another more powerful flavor (like salt!). Ah well.

Lunch, Day Seventy-Eight

• Lean Cuisine macaroni & beef
• 1/2 cup frozen broccoli steamed with 1-1/2 tsp balsamic vinegar
• 1/2 cup skim milk

I actually looked up what was supposed to go with this meal - it was pretty delicious. I may have overdone it on the vinegar, as the broccoli was quite strong by the bottom of the bowl, but it was delicious. Even though I really enjoyed this meal, I'm not sure I'm going to be buying frozen dinners for a while.

Breakfast, Day Seventy-Eight

• 1 oz Total with 1-1/2 oz almonds, 2 tbsp raisins, 1 tbsp wheat germ & 1 cup skim milk

This is quickly becoming my favorite breakfast - it's easy, it's complete, and it's only one bowl! As long as I have all the ingredients on hand, it's pretty great.

Weigh-In Week Twelve

184.5. Down 1 pound. Cool. (And sorry for the lousy photo)

Even with this week's ridiculous binge, I still managed to go down, which is nothing short of incredible. I had been getting discouraged and increasingly dissatisfied with the meal plan, so it's not surprising I lost my mind a little and just pigged out. Fortunately I got it out of my system and without too many consequences.

Now that my semester is over, I will actually have time to go to the gym and not be so stressed about putting meals together - hooray!


Weight Loss This Week: 1 pound
Total Weight Loss: 17.5 pounds

Snack, Day Seventy-Seven

• 3 Triscuits with 1/2 oz roasted red pepper hummus
• 1/2 cup skim milk

Remembering how much I enjoyed this yesterday, I was happy to prepare it again. I was amazed because a while ago, I bought a 16-oz tub of hummus, and I've finally finished it. I enjoy this flavor so much, but last time I was at the store I saw a whole bunch of other intriguing varieties, so I will have to see which I choose.

Dinner, Day Seventy-Seven

• 2 oz pork tenderloin chop
• pepper, onion, mixed vegetables & beans

My boyfriend was very sweet to prepare this delicious meal for me. He broiled the pork to keep from adding extra fat, and he sauteed some of the vegetables together to combine the flavors. I could have lived without the beans that came in the vegetables, but I figure they count for carbs, so I'm not questioning it.

I gotta say, there's something really nice about someone else cooking and handing you a plate - I forgot how relaxing that feels. I should probably make him more dinners when I can, especially now that I'm done with the semester!

Lunch, Day Seventy-Seven

• Lean Cuisine spaghetti & meatballs
• 1 cup lettuce with 1 tbsp fat-free Italian dressing
• 1/2 cup crushed pineapple

I ate the spaghetti before class and had the salad and pineapple after. It was really quite delicious, which considering how much I love spaghetti and meatballs, says a lot!

Breakfast, Day Seventy-Seven

• 1 whole wheat hamburger bun
• 1 oz Healthy Choice ham & 2 oz Smart Beat cheese
• 1/2 cup skim milk
• 1/2 cup crushed pineapple

I had the sandwich on my way to an exam - I had considered waiting until I got home, but I was glad I didn't, as it gave me energy to focus and not feel sleepy or distracted. Unfortunately the sandwich tasted just god-awful - I suspect it was the cheese, but blech! Heinous. And I'm still really not feeling that Healthy Choice ham!

I had the milk & pineapple when I got home and thought how much more I might have enjoyed them with the sandwich (at least to alleviate its flavor some), but together they were surprisingly tasty anyway.

Snack, Day Seventy-Six

• 3 Triscuits with 1/2 oz roasted red pepper hummus
• 1/2 cup milk

Yes, I actually went through the snacks to find one that would allow me to drink more milk. I usually have Wheat Thins instead of Triscuits and was surprised at how much more satisfying the Triscuits were! This was a fantastic snack.

Dinner, Day Seventy-Six

• 1 oz Total with 1-1/2 tbsp almonds, 2 tbsp raisins, 2 tbsp wheat germ & 1 cup skim milk

I wanted something quick and easy while I was getting work done and studying - and of course I think cereal! It was delicious and satisfying, though for some reason I can't get enough milk today - it was so tempting just to chug the whole bottle. I was really tired at the time I ate and surprised by how much I woke up shortly after.

Lunch, Day Seventy-Six

• 1 flour tortilla, 1/4 cup salsa, 1/2 green bell pepper, 2 oz sliced mushrooms, 2 oz low-fat cheese
• 1/4 cup dried papaya

I've already acknowledged that these little Mexican pizzas kind of distort the original intention... but I tried to redeem it by substituting pepper (both under and over the cheese) for spinach and at least including the mushrooms.

Whether healthy or not, it certainly was delicious, though I had hoped the peppers would get softer as if they were roasted. I guess I might have sauteed them, but that defeats the delightfully fast prep time for this meal.

Breakfast, Day Seventy-Six

• 1 oz Healthy Choice ham, 2 oz. veggie cheese, 1 tbsp low-fat mayonnaise on 2 slices whole wheat bread
• 1/2 cup skim milk
• 1/4 cup dried papaya

It's always so tempting to drink gallons of milk at a time. It surprises me that Healthy Choice ham tastes so salty -- I think I'm going to stick with deli ham in the future, considering the price and flavor is much easier to swallow.

Man I love papaya though!

Snack, Day Seventy-Five

• 1 slice whole wheat bread
• 1/2 tbsp Smart Balance peanut butter
• 1/2 tbsp Smuckers sugar-free strawberry preserves

I used to make fun of my boyfriend for making his PB&J sandwiches this way, but they're quite good! I like getting the jelly taste first - usually I lose it in the layers of bread and peanut butter. Quite tasty.

Dinner, Day Seventy-Five

• 3 oz ground beef hamburger with onion powder, garlic powder & 1/2 tsp Worcestshire sauce
• 1 whole wheat hamburger bun
• 1 cup lettuce with 1 tbsp fat-free Italian dressing
• 1/4 cup dried papaya

Sometimes you just want a basic, simple dinner. As much as I didn't want to touch ground beef (dunno why), I decided a hamburger was probably one of the simpler meals I could put together. It was delicious and made me think of summer cook-outs, which put me in a great mood.

I've mentioned it before, but I think that summer will be a great opportunity for me to really get enthusiastic and enjoy this diet - with fresh fruits and vegetables more readily available, as well as more time during the day to pay attention to marketing, I think I'll have a much easier time of it.

I'm also really looking forward to finishing up classes for the semester so I can actually go to the gym and not have to panic about all the other things I should be doing - if I can really focus on losing weight and exercising, I think I can make a lot of progress and develop the discipline and habits I really need.

Lunch, Day Seventy-Five

• 1 oz low-carb enriched elbow macaroni
• 3 oz firm tofu
• 1/2 onion
• 3/4 cup frozen peas and carrots
• 1/4 cup tomato sauce
• red pepper flakes, ground red pepper, garlic, garlic powder
• 1/4 cup dried papaya

I expected this meal to be a little bland or dull, but it was actually unbelievably spicy! It was really delicious and flavorful, a real hearty and zesty kick.

The pasta was surprisingly good - I'd picked it up for my boyfriend because it's low in carbs and high in protein, but it turns out I really enjoy it myself.

Breakfast, Day Seventy-Five

• 1 oz oatmeal with 1/2 tbsp raisins, 1-1/2 tbsp almonds (substitute for walnuts) & 2 oz low-fat mozzarella cheese
• 1/4 cup dried pineapple

I had thought I was tired of making would-be cheese porridge after the last misadventure, but I thought I'd give it another shot, and I'm really glad I did. This cheese was so milky and melted wonderfully - it was a delicious addition!

I'm always surprised by how filling this breakfast is, but it kept me going all day.

Lunch, Dinner, Snack, Day Seventy-Four

(not pictured)

• half of a Domino's deluxe feast pizza, with garlic dipping sauce

Well now I've done it. I broke and had a really awful fat and sodium-laden calorically astronomical bingefest.

I came home from class exhausted and in an awful mood. I'm really stressed and worried about some things, but mostly I'd let myself get really hungry and cranky. I didn't want to go to the store (or even rummage around to figure out what I needed to buy). I didn't want to clean the kitchen. I didn't want to do anything but sit around, mope and whine.

So finally I caved. I convinced my boyfriend we should order a disgustingly unhealthy pizza, and then we both ate half. Truth be told, I probably could have eaten the whole thing myself, and it's a good thing that the grocery was closed by the time I finished because I could have gone for a whole bag of cookies as well.

I don't know what's wrong with me or why I'm sabotaging myself like this. Even if I were trying to rationalize eating pizza for dinner (which actually, I'm allowed to do, within reason), this HAS to be more than a full day's calories and provides little to no nutrition at that.

I know I've been growing increasingly unsatisfied with the food on the plan - or more to the point - that whenever we have appealing food in the apartment, my boyfriend eats it all. I've been getting envious that he can eat whatever he wants in whatever quantities so long as it's within his daily carbs. I've also been getting incredibly resentful that with packages of hot dogs and sausage in the fridge, he chooses to eat all of my low-sodium ham or snack on the rest of the turkey that could have made lunch for several days. I get angry when I find there are only a few sips of milk left or a sprinkle of cheese... and while he's usually very considerate with not eating all of my food (or at least saving me a portion of meat or similar if he's going to eat the rest of something), this week has been bad already.

It's not his fault though. I am the one who has refused to clean the kitchen or go food shopping, so I knew I wasn't going to want to come home and cook. I also let myself go almost the whole day without eating any kind of balanced nutrition, so I knew I was coming into the decision irrationally hungry (or with an irrational appetite) and was bound to make a foolish choice.

What really bothers me in this, though, is not all of the above since that's to be expected... no, what I'm upset about is that I made this decision for emotional reasons. I told myself I was going to pig out and forcibly give up control because I was having a hard time keeping things under control (not just diet-wise, but with my schoolwork and some personal things). I wanted to make a really bad decision and enjoy it - and I really really did - but I know that when I don't lose this week (or more likely gain), I'm going to regret this and feel really disappointed in myself. At the moment though, I really don't care.

(I may have mentioned, I'm in an awful mood.)

Breakfast, Day Seventy-Four

• Lean Cuisine Macaroni and Beef dinner

I was really exhausted and had to hurry to get to class. We were out of milk, cheese, and most of the ingredients to make any sort of breakfast meal. I was frankly exasperated and decided to just microwave this and get out the door.

I planned to make a salad and have some fruit to balance this out, but never got around to it when I got home.

Snack, Day Seventy-Three

• 2 (2.5-inch square) graham crackers with 2/3 tbsp Smart Balance peanut butter

The graham crackers had fallen apart again, and since I didn't want to spread the peanut butter on broken surfaces, I ate it off the spoon. Neither were particularly tasty because as I've mentioned, the crackers taste dry or stale, and the peanut butter is of a weird consistency as it nears the bottom of the jar. Sigh.

Dinner, Day Seventy-Three

• 3 oz ground beef with 1 cup spinach, 2 oz sliced mushrooms, garlic, splash of Worcestshire sauce & red wine
• 6 Triscuits
• 1/4 cup dried papaya

When will I learn? My boyfriend had improvised a similar dish (without the spinach) and it had smelled so wonderful that I rationalized making this one for myself. Technically, I guess it does go within a meal's guidelines as far as having meat, vegetable, starch etc... but it felt so totally unhealthy.

What's more, I didn't add the salt it desperately needed, so the flavor was a combination of greasy and bitter... quite unpleasant. Finally I did give a sprinkle of salt - this is the first time I've done so on this meal plan - and while it was vastly improved, it kind of underscored my growing impatience for unsatisfying flavors.

At least I still liked the papaya.

Lunch, Day Seventy-Three

• 1 Lean Cuisine macaroni and cheese dinner
• 1-1/2 cups frozen spinach with black pepper and a sprinkle of parmesan cheese

I was really craving mac and cheese and considering blowing off the diet and buying prepared stuff, but I found this Lean Cuisine at the grocery and decided to compromise my craving with something still passing for nutritious. The website recommended supplementing it with a lot of spinach, though no fruit, presumably from the excess of carbohydrates in the pasta.

Unfortunately this mac & cheese tasted so bad and was so unsatisfying that I actually added the spinach to it to improve its flavor. It's a sad state of affairs when mac and cheese is so bad you have to mask it with vegetables!

Breakfast, Day Seventy-Three

• 1 slice whole wheat bread (toasted) with 1/2 cup low-fat cottage cheese and 2 tbsp wheat germ
• 1-1/2 tbsp almonds
• 1/2 cup skim milk
• 1/2 cup crushed pineapple

This breakfast really felt like eating diet food. I'm worried with how little I'm enjoying these meals lately. I've also been letting myself go almost all day without eating, so I'm less than enthusiastic about facing the messy kitchen and preparing something nutritious.