Ideals, and how to attain them

I'm going to forgo my typical "hi, it's been a while" etc. stuff and just get into what I'd like to talk about, then perhaps I'll backtrack a bit and figure out what I plan to do. Prepare yourself for a long rant.

Thin is not the same as beautiful

I've been thinking about where we get our ideals for body shape, fitness levels, and how we define attractiveness. I had my heart absolutely broken this summer, and if I'm being honest, things are still not okay with any of that. An extra sting came when a mutual friend, who thought he was being objective and analytical, said that as he saw it, everything should have worked out between me and this guy, but that it wouldn't have hurt for me to lose 30-40 pounds so he wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen with me. Yes, I know, I have appallingly awful friends.

I don't want to go on a whole diatribe about body image issues or unrealistic standards or blaming the media because there's no point. No matter how much I may wish it were otherwise, people judge me on my appearance every day, and men will continue to treat me as a substandard human as long as I fall on the heavy end of their perception of normal.

In a particular moment of outrage, I started really looking carefully at girls in New York City, especially those with adoring boyfriends in tow. It's easy, when you're beating yourself up, to say these girls are just so pretty and lovely, so what's to care if they're not smart or interesting or artistically talented etc. - they must just be that captivating. The thing is, I'm an artist, and I do have a very clear understanding of biology, facial structures, symmetry, and all the mathematical stuff that goes on in the brain in evaluating physical beauty. From years of life drawing and studying the figure, I am uniquely sensitive to appearance and can see flaws from literally miles away. I was kind of stunned to realize that most girls aren't pretty. Not even close. Most of the girls I looked at were either incredibly plain or downright unattractive, once you saw through the hair, makeup, clothing, and accessories. I started looking at their boyfriends (also not all winners) and wondering if they were really that easily duped by some general concept of "beauty" defined by all these things that are so literally on the surface.

The only thing these girls had in common was that they were thin. I don't mean to say they had good bodies because again, they usually didn't. I mean they were thin, if not skinny, and that was enough, when combined with a bunch of stuff to have the general public regard them as beautiful.

Since this summer, I've moved back to the city, and I spend a lot of time people-watching on public transit. I look at women in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, and I do, admittedly, analyze the hell out of their appearance. Girls who are thin, but not toned, grow into women who are unobtrusively shapeless, and as they start to age more, become somewhat flabby and saggy and wrinkled. If they maintain their hair and have nice skin, I think they are still treated as attractive even though, as I really can't stress enough, they're not beautiful. And yet, they are the standard for beauty, when really all they have to offer is average features and the fact that they're not fat.

I look around and wonder what kind of farce we are living in. It's like the scene from E.T. when he's dressed like a lady - is there just some shell of "thin" that wears and carries all the right stuff that actually tricks people into the illusion of a beautiful woman? Yes, evidently, and if you want proof, take a really good look at all the people around you regarded as attractive.

Now here I run into a verbal quandary because I lack accessible ways to describe myself without sounding immensely egotistical. Basically, however thin or heavy I have been, people always say that I am pretty, if not more frequently veering toward beautiful. I have symmetrical, balanced features that are harmoniously arranged on my face. I have perfectly straight, really white teeth and an infectious dimpled smile. I have natural golden blonde hair highlighted by the sun and pleasantly shaped blue eyes that light up a lot. I am overweight, but I still have an hourglass figure, with toned shapely legs and tapered ankles/wrists that betray a history of athleticism. I carry myself gracefully, and I dress like a lady. Men of older generations openly regard me as gorgeous, and just about every time I leave home, men flirt with me, check me out, or hit on me (which is not at all uncommon in NYC, but I'm not just talking about the street version).

Yet guys my own age don't seem to see anything attractive about me physically (let alone aspects of personality, intelligence, sense of humor, wit etc.). They do the up-and-down, then compare with a skinny girl next to me and deem me unfit to date because I am, by their definition "fat." And to date a fat girl is more shameful than anything they can imagine.

It makes me crazy and a little sick. I cannot count the amount of girlfriends I've been introduced to by enthusiastic male friends who turn out to be mousy, plain if not ugly, and not at all interesting, but extremely thin. I see them all dressed and made up, and they look to me like children in their mother's clothes, their limbs completely lacking shape and their torsos free of any curves save the jutting-out collarbones and hips. And yet, all of my friends would call these girls pretty, if not beautiful. When you see them dressed down, without makeup and their hair piled on their head in a bun, it's even worse. They literally remind me of nothing so much as prepubescent friends from grade school in gym class, but their boyfriends can't keep their hands off of them. I cannot, for my life, understand when a stick-thin skinny girl braless in a camisole became my generation's standard of beauty, but I don't like it.

Still, I should be thin

My motivations in losing weight have always been because I am concerned for my health and want to feel better, both physically and psychologically. I used my weight as a scapegoat through an abusive relationship, and I continue to use it to beat myself up now, but I can finally see that it's not just me who is disordered in the way I think about my body.

When I was a senior in high school, I was a size 4. I remember buying my Calvin Klein prom dress and feeling proud that the 4 was actually a little loose in places because I had an athletic, but petite build and the dress was cut straighter than me. The thing that I always enjoyed about my body was its curves: curves from muscles, hips, and breasts, that made me look feminine and womanly, while still lithe and strong. In what seems now like another lifetime, I had enviably toned arms from swimming and dance and a perfectly-toned midsection. Because I was a runner (among other sports), I didn't have a trace of cellulite on my thighs or butt, and I looked fantastic in a bathing suit.

I don't really need to trace all the ways my figure went to hell since then, but that description is probably about as far from how I would characterize myself now as possible, and it does disgust me. My goal has never been to become one of those frail, skinny, shapeless girls who I loathe in public, and if anything, I'd rather be slightly overweight and curvy than one of them. There is, however, a happy medium between unattractively thin and my current shape, and I feel like I owe it to myself to get back into that kind of shape.

I should do more research and double-check my math, but I am pretty sure that at my height and build, 120-130 is an ideal weight. The last time I weighed that, I think I wore a size 2, but a 4-6 is much more plausible. In my head, the ideal measurements for an hourglass shape are about in that 34-24-36 or 36-26-36 kind of range, but damned if I know how actually accurate or attainable that might be.

All other goals aside, I want to lose weight because I want to be considered attractive. I want to like myself, and I want other people to like me. I want men to put any kind of effort into getting to know me or discovering the things that are actually beautiful about me, but they're not going to do it if they have to look past what they see as just a fat chick. I am tired of being dismissed and disregarded. I know that at a healthier weight, I could be not just thin, but beautiful.


What I can do about it

Right now, I weigh 179. This is, believe it or not, down from the 190 I weighed at the end of the summer (heavy-duty depression having kicked in something terrible). I have been fluctuating around 180 for at least the past 3 years, and I don't think I've been below 160 since I was in my early twenties. I have plenty of excuses, including the dramatic amount of weight I gained (and never lost) when I first went on antidepressants, but that was so long ago it can't possibly matter anymore.

My previous attempts to lose weight have primarily been through dieting because that (erroneously) seemed easier to control and work into my schedule. There was a time when I was swimming regularly, and I was getting toned and fitter in terms of cardiovascular health, but not losing weight or really improving my psychological health. I want some kind of dramatic, impactful exercise that can seriously make a dent in the fat of my upper arms and midsection and make progress toward my overall weight loss goals.

Currently, I walk between 2-3 moderately-paced miles a day, at least four times a week, including stretches up and down nearly 45-degree hills in my neighborhood. I take the stairs as much as I can, with a 25-pound backpack strapped on. I may not be the picture of fitness, but I am capable of strenuous hiking for several miles at any given time, and as of this fall I could kayak for an hour straight without fatigue. Something my mother says, and with which I am inclined to agree is that "underneath all this fat, there's still an athlete."

I need, now, a way to bring her out.

I think my approach needs to be diversified and realistic. I can't, for example, say that I'm going to join a gym and do circuit training for three hours a day because that is just setting myself up to fail (I also don't have the time or money for it). I already walk a lot, which is probably the only reason I've lost 10 pounds since moving and the way I've maintained a base metabolic rate in the face of ghastly eating habits (again, no time, no money, lots of stress and emotions). I am tempted, over and over, to declare that I will start running and drag myself outside with my iPod strapped to my arm, but I do worry that I will only do it once or twice and when the soaring self-satisfaction settles down, give up and go back to doing nothing.

There is a fitness center in my apartment complex, and I have to decide if I can work it into my schedule regularly enough to make it worth the money. Usually the appeal in exercising is getting to spend some time outdoors and, ideally, go somewhere, but this might be a viable alternative during the inclement weather that is right around the corner.

I also know that the single area that makes me feel fattest and grossest, by far, is my upper arms. They are the mystery of my existence, as both my mother and I have disproportionately bulky arms that make us look much larger even than we are. I used to theorize that I must have a lot of flabby muscle from swimming, dancing, playing softball etc. (and my mother from basketball and softball), but it's more likely that that is just a part of our bodies where she and I are inclined to gain weight, for whatever reason. Some women get fat in the ass or thighs, we get fat arms. It is what it is.

So in addition to general core training and aerobic exercise to lose weight all over, I want to really tone the hell out of my arms, through a combination of the One Hundred Push-Ups program, weight-bearing exercise with 3-pound dumbbells, and triceps-focused exercises with TheraBands. I added the last two items to my Christmas list, since my last set of TheraBands have now dry-rotted in the trunk of my car and I gave away my dumbbells years ago.



This summer among my mother's birthday gifts, we also gave her a hula hoop, which was weighted for core fitness.



I had never learned how to hula hoop before, and my whole family took turns trying clumsily to learn. We joked that most of the exercise came from bending down to pick it up after you spun it around your waist a few times and dropped it. In an obsessive day that resulted in incredible bruising all over, I did finally master the art of hula hooping, and I found it was a tremendous workout with the weighted hoop. So I'm asking for a hula hoop of my own for Christmas too.

In a fit of optimism when I was moving, I did bring my exercise mat, and my entire apartment is carpeted, which should facilitate the push-ups and whatever floor-work type exercise I want to do. To prevent unnecessary wallowing about matters of heartbreak, frustration with school etc., I am probably going to institute a policy that I can't imagine is as healthy as it is punitive: if I'm going to think miserable unhappy thoughts, I will hula hoop or do crunches or arm workouts or something while I'm at it. I'll either stop being miserable or start being thin, so it's win-win.

I need to make a plan of some sort for diet, though it's challenging because I've become a sort of pseudo-vegetarian of late. Most meals are centered around eating as many vegetables as possible, and most of my protein is coming from beans, cheese, and tunafish... but there is a major amount of fat and carbs in the meals I'm making. To save money and time, I bought packages of SlimFast bars for breakfasts and lunches, but I'm not formally doing the plan as intended because I still eat whatever I want the rest of the day. The intention, I guess, was to get some kind of nutrition going in the morning and afternoon so my metabolism didn't shut down completely, and by keeping it relatively low-calorie and nutritious I hoped it could counterbalance some of the horrible food choices I made for dinners. I need to take an overall more balanced approach and come up with healthy vegetarian meals (that should be really easy, wouldn't you think??) that aren't all macaroni and cheese or pasta with vegetables or take-out Chinese or pizza (aye, there's the rub). As always, I need to drink more water and eat less sweets, and I should probably take some time to examine how I got to a place in life where junk food is one of my few joys.

I am on a truly abysmally disordered sleep schedule, if you can call it that, which seems largely due to piss-poor time management. This has been the case for as long as I can remember, but I know that if I want to succeed in anything else I want to do in life, I really do need to get my sleep problems under control. I had some success when I first moved with melatonin and a set of rituals about making my bed nicely (that's become habit), showering before bed, laying out my clothes every night, keeping my bedroom as this really clean orderly sanctuary, etc, but I started needing to pull all-nighters and sleeping at erratic hours, and that all went to hell. I It is my sincerest hope that catching up on schoolwork and starting to exercise regularly will make it easier to sleep in a sane way, but I can't expect that to happen without a massive concerted effort.

And happiness. That seems thousands of miles away, but I have to believe that it is possible to be happy whatever my circumstances. I've isolated myself from most of my friends (which is not necessarily a bad thing, since most of my friendships were really destructive), and I have almost no time to spend with the few I still like anyway. That's not good, as I recognize that for as misanthropic as I can be, socialization is an important part of mental health. I have to either make new, healthier friendships, or work the time into my schedule to see my current friends more...or at least talk with them more than once a month (I'm a very bad friend when I'm busy). I have to believe that eating better and exercising will help improve my moods, but it probably wouldn't hurt to start taking St John's Wort and some of the other herbs I was taking previously for depression. I am still leery of prescription psychiatric meds and doubtful that my student health insurance would make it in any way affordable to get counseling, but I am getting really tired of being unhappy for weeks on end. I'm accustomed to cycling moods, sometimes rapidly, but it feels like I slipped into a pretty deep depression somewhere in October and have come out of it for a day or two here and there since then. I don't like the thoughts I have, and I really don't like being this unhappy. Fortunately I am still able to remain the tiniest bit objective about the situation and recognize it's something for which I am responsible and capable of changing.

So, that was a huge amount of rambling, but I think I've caught myself up on matters of psychological and physical health. Mostly.

I need to really try to get my act together and be more forgiving of myself if my discipline falters or life intervenes.

To summarize, going forward I am going to:

• stop wallowing about that heartbreaking situation and the unchangeable things I don't like in life right now


• get caught up on schoolwork and sincerely try to manage my time better


• take up some form of more strenuous aerobic exercise like running or joining the fitness center


• change the battery in my pedometer and attempt to walk more every day and increase my pace


• start the One Hundred Push-Ups program in earnest


• start arm toning exercises


• start hula hooping and doing crunches for core fitness


• try to start drinking more water


• seriously evaluate my diet and try to come up with better meal choices for dinners


• put actual effort into getting onto a healthier sleep-wake cycle


• start taking St John's Wort and other herbs for depression again


• be nicer to myself, by doing all of the above, and taking on healthier thinking habits

Something's got to work, right?

New Plan, Day Ten

I was up late (until at least 4) talking with that guy friend who's not my boyfriend (he needs a nickname) and slept in until 12 again. I think at some point it'd be more accurate to say I'm already on a bad sleep schedule. Anyway, I was in a bad mood all day because I have a big deadline I've been avoiding and my parents are making me insane preparing for a big party they're throwing this weekend.

See the thing with this party... it's not like I have a say in what they do here, since it's their house. Not holding this party would be tantamount to canceling Christmas, so no matter how much I really needed to spend this week and this coming weekend working on my thesis (and needed a quiet house instead of one bustling with cleaning and the constant nagging to help clean, because obviously I have NOTHING better to do...), they are only concerned with getting ready for the party. And whereas I want to be able to focus on schoolwork and my job work, I now have to halt all progress and focus on getting my room clean (even though I really want to just lock the door) and cleaning the common areas of the house where I keep things, like my painting studio that is in the kitchen, where most of the party always congregates. Also, I don't really want to see a bunch of family and my parents' friends because honestly, I'd rather put my head down and finish my thesis, or have a quiet weekend at home. This party literally couldn't come at a worse time, and I am completely dreading it.

This is to say nothing of what it's going to do to my diet, which is going dreadfully in terms of progress (I weighed myself, it's not good). Anyway, on with the day.

Breakfast, 1pm

• ham and cheese on Lite whole-grain English muffin
• navel orange
• 12 oz. Coke Cherry Zero

While preparing this, I read the nutrition information on the English muffins and was pleasantly surprised that they are only 100 calories, so they do count as just one bread (this was a disagreement I had with my mother), and that they have 8 grams of dietary fiber to boot. Not bad.

It is also worth noting that this was the last of the caffeinated soda in the house, which has put me in a terrible mood. Both of my parents cannot function without coffee or tea in the morning (I don't really do well with either - the acidity burns holes in my stomach), yet they couldn't care less about when we run out of soda. My father seems to view it primarily as a mixer for rum drinks, and my mother doesn't really care what she drinks, but will drink all the soda if it's there, then not worry about replacing it. I know this is my own neurosis, but it is SO annoying.

Lunch, 5pm

• beef tacos with cheese, salsa, lettuce, tomatoes, pickled jalapeños and fresh cilantro
• 24 oz. water (np)

I made these from leftovers a little before dinner, in the middle of tense conversations with both of my parents. They were fine, but I didn't enjoy them the way I usually love tacos because I was in the middle of a terrible day. Ugh.

Dinner, 8pm

• turkey tostada made with ground turkey, salsa, spices, reduced-fat Cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato, sliced avocado, pickled jalapeños, and fresh cilantro on a whole wheat wrap
• 24 oz water (np)

My mother kind of annoyed the bejesus out of me while cooking these. Last week I tried showing her how to make them, and she wouldn't pay attention. Then I explained it about five or six times and said it's really the same exact preparation as tacos, just with turkey. When she was buying groceries for the week, I said I cannot cook anything until after Wednesday because of this stupid deadline for school stuff, and she bought groceries for meals that she claims only I know how to cook. Disregarding that she's the one who taught me how to make tacos in the first place, who doesn't know how to make tacos?!

Gah. Today is really frustrating. Anyway, this tostada was messy and the wrap fell apart whenever I tried to make something I could hold. I was also disgusted and annoyed because my family has somehow gotten in the habit of eating dinner in the TV room. This wouldn't be so bad, except that room has only two armchairs in it for furniture, and my dad uses the spare kitchen chair they bring in as a table. So my options are usually to ask him to stop using it as a table and sit in the greasy spot where he spilled turkey meat (I did that last night) or sit on the floor with my back to the radiator, with two big dogs panting in my face. I absolutely hate eating in that room, and I'd finally had it and decided to eat the rest of my dinner at the dining room table like a person.

Dessert, 9pm

• Yoplait Light yogurt, red velvet cake flavor
• sliced kiwi

I'm not sure I even really tasted this. I was fuming over stupid arguments with my parents and frustration about not being able to concentrate on work. There is literally not a single room in the house where I can do schoolwork right now, and they couldn't care less. They don't actually realize that if I can't get this work done, I will not graduate, and my father keeps harping on that if I really wanted to, I could write my thesis in three days. He has no idea what he's talking about, nor does my mother, because neither of them have written a graduate dissertation before, but they seem to think it's just a big paper. I want to cry.

Late-night Snack, 11pm

• bowl of tomato soup with basil, salt and fresh cracked pepper
• 16 oz. Crystal Light lemonade (np)

I had closed myself up in my room trying to get anything done, and I couldn't concentrate because my parents were bickering about something and coming in literally every few minutes to talk to me about nonsense. I took a break on Facebook, where my mom started IMing me, pestering me to play my word in Scrabble. I nearly threw my computer out the window and told her I was going to drive to the store to buy soda and while I was there I was going to get cookies too, since it doesn't matter what I do this week, the whole diet is going to get ruined this weekend. She responded by saying if I do get cookies, only get enough for myself because she has no self control if they're in the house. Then nagged me about laundry, while the machines were still full of her laundry and like, the sheets to the guest bed and curtains and stuff.

I went downstairs and decided to have soup and found the dregs of a pitcher of lemonade in the fridge. I was so tired and had such a caffeine-deprivation headache by this point that I just slurped down both and went to bed, annoyed beyond belief.

Summary
Today was a stupid, frustrating day. I want to move out of my parents' house immediately, but I have nowhere to go. That's how I started living here in the first place, and that's the same situation I'll be in IF I am able to graduate. My life is enormously stupid.

New Plan, Day Nine

I don't know why, but I slept until after noon today. I wasn't even really tired, but I think I was avoiding responsibilities.

Breakfast, 12:30pm

• ham and cheese toasted on Lite whole grain English muffin
• navel orange
• 12 oz. Diet Fanta orange (not pictured)

It was an interesting contrast between real orange and orange soda - I really enjoyed both.

Lunch, 3pm

• leftover chicken, vegetable and tomato risotto
• fresh herb salad with creamy Caesar dressing
• 12 oz. Coke Cherry Zero

I worried that this wouldn't reheat well (because risotto is famous for its fickleness and ability to quickly turn to slop if not treated gently), but in fact I think it got better after a little time in the fridge for the Arborio rice to absorb even more tomato flavor. It looks dry in this photo, but once I stirred it up, it was creamy, delicate, and really tasty. It had barely any chicken in this serving, which is probably good since I worry about how long ago that was first cooked - I'll have to thank my father for picking so much of the chicken out when it was in the fridge.

Pre-Dinner Snack, 8pm

• fresh herb salad with creamy Caesar dressing
• several glasses of Diet Coke (I lost count)

While my mother was cooking dinner, I was hovering, and of course standing in a kitchen while food is cooking is the easiest way to get hungry. I kept milling around trying to think of something to eat and finally decided on a salad, which I inhaled.

Dinner, 8:15pm

• beef tacos with reduced fat Cheddar cheese, salsa, sliced avocado, Romaine lettuce, tomatoes, pickled jalapeños and fresh cilantro
• 24 oz. Diet Coke (not pictured)

Oh man, so delicious. I don't think there will ever be a time in my life when I couldn't go for a taco, and these were superb. I ranted and raved while eating them, feeling like I was pigging out.

Snacks, 10-11:30pm

• Yoplait Light Thick n' Creamy yogurt, Cinnamon bun flavor (not pictured)
• 2 caramel popcorn cakes with sugar-free Concord grape jelly
• navel orange (np)
• broccoli florets dipped in Walden Farms calorie-free Ranch dressing
• 72 oz. water (np)

I'm not sure what to say except that I was grazing. I wasn't hungry per se - dinner was very satisfying and filling. It was more like having the munchies, which I think is hormone-related at the moment. I was going for crunchy foods in the popcorn cakes and broccoli, though I realize now that the cakes probably put me over for breads.

The broccoli was surprisingly delicious, even if I had a "who are you and what have you done with Vicki?" moment as I was preparing it to eat. I'm still mystified by how a dressing (which was actually rather tasty) could be calorie free, and it seems to have a lot to do with Xanthan gum and other wacky chemical food additives more frequently encountered in molecular gastronomy. Mmmm, delicious science.

I also drank all of my waters in one shot, two bottles in a row and the third about 45 min later. I dunno, it's just easier to sit and sip it through my water bottle straw, and if I have to spend an hour or two having to pee every 15 min, it seems less awful than feeling like I'm about to wet my pants all day.

Summary

I had an enormous appetite today, which is dangerous when combined with an utter lack of activity. I think I made decent choices, and I'm glad I got 9 waters in, though I forgot I was supposed to aim for 10-12. Sigh. One more bottleful.

I really need to do some exercise, but I've been using a looming deadline (which I've been procrastinating like a champ) as an excuse not to do anything. Disorganization and poor time management have a global negative effect on my life, but I am also starting to see the clear ways they impact my diet and fitness. I may elaborate more on that in a separate post.

New Plan, Day Eight

I slept in again this morning, for no good reason, until about 10. I know that my sleep schedule is getting progressively worse, so I should make some effort to get on track.

Breakfast, 12:30pm

• low-fat cottage cheese mixed with honey toasted wheat germ, on double protein bread
• navel orange

I figured I should eat the rest of the cottage cheese before I even wonder if it's turning. I don't know why I'm so sensitive to food freshness, but the thought of spoiled dairy gives me chills.

I added twice the wheat germ this time, since I read the nutrition facts and saw it only had 1g of dietary fiber per serving. This, combined with the 3g from the bread, put me at 4 before I ate the orange. I started wondering about the RDA for dietary fiber and varying internet sources put it around 24g for a 2000 calorie diet. I don't actually know if you should have more or less if you're on a lower calorie diet, and for that matter, I don't actually know what kind of calorie diet I'm on. Part of me wants to investigate and add it up, but most of me is equally aversive to doing the math and finding out the number. It's much better for me to look at things as exchanges and try to eat right rather than treat my body like a not-always-reliable math problem to solve.

Lunch, 3:30pm

• leftover Cuban pork and Arborio rice with vegetables
• 12 oz. Diet Coke (not pictured)
• 24 oz. water

I was in the middle of working on something, so this was a nice quick meal to pop in the microwave and enjoy.

Dinner, 8:30pm

• chicken stir-fry with carrots, celery, green beans, water chestnuts, bamboo shoots, and fresh cilantro cooked in chicken broth and soy sauce, with ginger and other spices, over rice
• 24 oz. Diet Coke (not pictured)
• 24 oz. water

My mom made her beloved chicken stir-fry, to great success. Our whole family loves this meal, and I really enjoyed so many fresh vegetables. I worried a little that I may have gone over for the amount of chicken in my serving, but I think it ended up alright.

Snack, 11pm

• Yoplait Light Thick n' Creamy, cinnamon bun flavor
• navel orange
• 24 oz. water

As usual, love this yogurt. When I realized I'd hit almost all of my exchanges for the day, I had my second fruit and the rest of my water to try to make it a perfect day.

My mom and I talked a little this evening about how it doesn't really feel like dieting, still, and because we're eating such delicious, balanced meals, we feel really satisfied and almost like we're indulging when eating right.

Summary

Today was a great day - I got a lot of work done, I forgot I was on a diet, I was energetic and able to concentrate, and I even got all my waters in. The only downside is that I feel like every time I turned around I had to pee. I'm sure I'll get used to it with time.

New Plan, Day Seven

I just realized that the days I've been on this diet, so far, correspond with the dates of the month. Neat.

So I was up very late last night talking with someone... I would say more, but I'm still pretty paranoid that my Blogger account will somehow link this site through Google Buzz and publish everything I say directly to him, which would make for a horribly embarrassing situation.

On one hand I need for this site to be anonymous, so that I can be honest with myself and use it in a meaningful way (not to mention that I'm publishing my weight and information about my colon health on the internet), but then I also realize that anyone who knew me could probably easily figure out it's me if they happened across this page. I also know that at least one of my friends and my ex-boyfriend know the URL and could share it with other people at any time (wow, I hope that doesn't happen). Still, I don't want to start self-censoring or going back and deleting overly personal things, because it's really helpful for me to keep track of my health and thoughts on things.

Anyway, because I was up until 4, I slept in until 10:30 and was a little groggy. In days gone by, I might have slept in until late in the afternoon, so at least I'm still up in the morning, but I know I should make more of an effort to have a consistent sleep schedule.

Breakfast, 12pm

• low-fat cottage cheese mixed with honey toasted Wheat germ and spread on wholegrain Double Protein toast
• navel orange
• 12 oz. Coke Cherry Zero (not pictured)

I wasn't really sure how to explain this bread, so I took a photo of its bag. It evidently has "18 grams of whole grains" (I wish they would just put it in terms of dietary fiber, but it's 3g per 18g of carbohydrates) and 14 grams of protein per 2 slices, so 7 in this one. All that notwithstanding, it was delicious, and I really enjoyed its flavor with the cottage cheese and subtle sweetness of the wheat germ.

This was a nice breakfast, and as much as I adore the ham and cheese breakfasts, I figure it's a good idea to mix it up a little, especially if I can find ways to work wheat germ into it, since I want my hair to get healthier.

Whining about my Skin and Hair

Boy, I am chatty today. So something that happened this week, which could be hormonal, stress, could be from not showering one day, could be from using a different shampoo and soap, or could be from all of the above, is that my skin and hair went to hell. I don't mean like dry or frazzled, I mean greasy as anything. My hair was so gross that if I showered in the morning, it would look as if I hadn't by the afternoon. I know I need to get it cut, but this was a pretty noticeable change.

As a consequence, or perhaps in a related phenomenon, my skin erupted in tiny pimples, especially around my hairline, eyebrows, nose and chin. While I would generally complain that I have bad skin because I have a lot of clogged pores (makeup) and occasional breakouts, it's never like this. I look like I'm thirteen again!

I'm sure it is coincidental to having started this diet, since my body can't possibly object that much to healthy food and water, but it's certainly a pain in the neck. I was already planning to lighten my hair today, which will probably cut the grease a little, and I'll switch back to my regular shampoo from the super moisturizing kind I'd been using. I'm going to really wash the hell out of my Clarisonic brush and try to be more consistent with which face products I use. Also change my sheets, clean my room up, and not skip any more showers! I hope all this, combined with my hormones sorting themselves out, will fix my skin quickly because man, it's not pretty.

Lunch, 3pm

• leftover Cuban pork with rice
• fresh herb salad with lite creamy Caesar dressing
• tomato soup with herbs and pecorino Romano
• Yoplait Light fat-free yogurt, Boston cream pie flavor (not pictured)
• 32 oz. Diet Coke

The pork and rice was, predictably, delicious, maybe even more than last night since the flavors melded together more. I also shouldn't discount the anticipation, knowing that this was delicious food I couldn't wait to eat again.

The other components of this meal were sort of like grazing, thinking through what foods I had that I could eat for my exchanges. Always tasty, of course, and I loved the yogurt. I do worry that my "pinches" of pecorino Romano are getting a bit too big... even if I use them as my main fats, I should be careful not to go over.

Dinner, 9pm

• chicken, vegetable and tomato risotto
• 24 oz. Diet Coke
• navel orange (not pictured)

My family agreed we'd have leftovers tonight, and while I very much wanted more pork, I knew the chicken and vegetables from last week would go to waste if I didn't have them. I livened them up with crushed tomatoes, then added water and Arborio rice, simmering and stirring until it took on the feel of a very tasty, creamy risotto. I'm completely obsessed with Arborio rice and risottos at the moment, so this was a great dinner.

Snack, 11:30pm

• Yoplait Light fat-free yogurt, Apple turnover flavor
• 12 oz. Diet Coke
• 24 oz. water

It's nice having three servings of dairy, as that means I can enjoy another yogurt as a dessert. The apple turnover was crazy delicious, as all of these yogurts are, which really takes the edge off of dieting.

I've been guzzling Diet Coke all day, and I didn't realize until almost midnight that I hadn't had any water, so I began a campaign of drinking all 72 oz. between 11:30 and 1:30. I haven't been mentioning when I take the fiber supplements, but I took an extra one today. I can't actually find my other vitamins, so I haven't been taking those yet.

Summary

Today was very satisfying, food-wise - I actually felt like I was pigging out. I did realize that when I was procrastinating schoolwork I needed to do, or when I was just puttering around the house, I kept wanting to snack. Instead I took that fidgeting energy and applied it toward lightening my hair (it came out nice), doing a mini facial with scrubs and a grease-fighting mask, and reading art monographs (always a pleasure). My skin and hair are looking a lot better already, and I hope they continue to improve as the week goes on.

I feel like I'm cheating when I drink all my water in one go. It's not like I'm not drinking any fluids - I had quite a hefty amount of Diet Coke, but I know that's not enough. Anyway, I have to assume it still does its job without major diminished efficacy.

Weigh-In, Week Two

After about a week of dieting, I was a little nervous about weighing in this morning.



At 179.5, it turns out those fears were unfounded. I lost 2.5 pounds this week, and I'm really happy about that.



I'll try to get more sophisticated about a graph when I have a few more data points to enter. Right now I've lost 4% of the weight I want to lose. 59.5 pounds to go.

I made a weight loss ticker thing too, though it won't be accurate after I enter new data each week. Oh well.




My mother lost 5 pounds, which I found rather remarkable. At first she shrugged it off saying she had a lot more to lose, but then she started theorizing about how she must have eaten more vegetables or been more active. I also know that I'm supposed to get my period this week, so I'm retaining water a little and my metabolism always gets sluggish this time in the month. I have to remember it's not a contest - I'm really happy to lose at all!

The Week in Review, Week One

I weigh in tomorrow morning, and while I've only been on this diet for a week, I'm feeling really good about being able to do this as a real lifestyle change this time.


(click to see larger)

The meals I've prepared were mostly fantastic: colorful, flavorful, full of fresh vegetables, and really satisfying. I think I'm developing staples in the ham and cheese breakfast, flatbread pizzas for lunch, and tomato soup for snacks (yum).

The dinners I enjoyed most this week were the tacos and turkey tostada... and the Cuban pork, which I guess says how much I love Mexican and Cuban flavors. So much the better, since they're quick and easy to cook too.

I struggled with water this week, though I think I'm improving. I also barely exercised at all - now that the weather is starting to look up, perhaps I can get myself running again this coming week.

All in all, I'm feeling good, and I hope to see that reflected in some kind of weight loss in the morning. Either way, I know my body is benefitting from healthier foods and so many fresh vegetables.

New Plan, Day Six

I woke up about 8:30 feeling much better than yesterday (several stresses alleviated), and I was overjoyed that it was sunny outside.

Breakfast, 10:30am

• ham and cheese toasted on a whole grain English muffin
• navel orange
• 12 oz. Coke Cherry Zero

I really love this breakfast - it's great to start my day with protein and some fresh fruit. I have a feeling it's going to become the usual.

Exercise, 12pm

• walked approximately 1.97 miles, at a slow pace

I went for another dog walk with my parents, on the same route as the other day, but I couldn't find my pedometer, so I don't have the exact distance or pace. I know it was slow, but at least I got outside and enjoyed the sunshine. I spent the afternoon out in the yard as well, which I think is very good for me.

Lunch, 2pm

• flatbread pizza made with tomato sauce, part-skim mozzarella, mushrooms, and broccoli, seasoned with basil, garlic powder, salt, fresh black pepper, red pepper, and nutmeg
• 32 oz. Diet Dr Pepper (not pictured)

I am so in love with these pizzas, I feel like I could eat them every day and still want to sing songs about them. Yum.

Dinner, 8pm

• Cuban pork cooked with Arborio rice, tomatoes, green beans, green peppers, and tons of paprika
• 12 oz. Coke Cherry Zero (not pictured)
• 24 oz. water
• herb salad with Lite Creamy Caesar dressing

My mom found this recipe online (I'll ask her for the source tomorrow), and it was incredibly delicious. I don't usually eat pork (then again I don't usually eat eggs either), but prepared this way, with so much flavor from paprika and cumin, it was tremendous. I could have eaten five more bowls of this, and fortunately, we have enough leftovers that I can have it for future meals.

Snack, 11pm

• Yoplait Light Thick n' Creamy, cinnamon roll flavor (not pictured)
• 2 caramel popcorn cakes (not pictured)
• 48 oz. water

I realize that I went over for my dairy, but I've decided that I'm going to allow myself 3 low-fat servings of dairy rather than 2, after reading a little bit about the benefits of dairy in weight loss. Technically I think the popcorn cakes should have been a bread, but they're so low in calories and have such a good trade-off of dietary fiber to carbohydrates that I'm inclined to call them a wash.

I really wanted to get all my water in for the day, so I spent some time chugging it late at night. I don't know if that will have much health benefit beyond making me wake up fifteen times in the middle of the night to pee, but hey, at least I got 9 glasses in.

Summary

Today was a pretty great day. I really enjoyed all the food, and I got in my waters. I got to spend time outside and generally moving around doing stuff, which makes my body feel nice. My mom and I talked about how even if we find we haven't lost weight tomorrow, we're winning already, and that feels great.

New Plan, Day Five

I slept until about 9 this morning, but I didn't sleep well because I was worried about a family member having surgery today. I spent the morning sipping Coke Cherry Zero and fretting, puttering around doing this and that but nothing really worthwhile.

"Breakfast," 1:30pm

• 1/2 green pepper and 1 egg cooked with fresh black pepper, salt, and red pepper in 1 TBSP olive oil
• 7 reduced fat Triscuits
• 1/4 papaya, sliced, with lime juice
• 24 oz. water
• 12 oz. Coke Cherry Zero (not pictured)

It was silly to wait so long to eat breakfast, as my appetite had kind of dwindled by the time I did. I have been savoring meals lately, and this time I was just kind of "meh" about it. I'm not discouraged about dieting - I'm still loving it actually - I think I'm just in a general malaise from worrying and procrastinating school and work stuff.

Lunch, 4:30pm

• bowl of tomato soup with basil, salt, fresh black pepper, and pecorino Romano
• a few horrible bites of radicchio with balsamic vinegar
• 24 oz. water (not pictured)
• 24 oz. Diet Coke (not pictured)

The soup was fantastic, as usual, but the radicchio was just inedibly gross. A friend of mine grilled some when we were in Italy and drizzled it in balsamic, proclaiming it a heavenly flavor. I wasn't able to recreate that and came up instead with unevenly warm, powerfully bitter dreck that couldn't even be saved by some really tasty balsamic. Blech.

Dinner, 9pm

• leftover chicken with vegetables
• 9 asparagus spears (not pictured)
• 24 oz. water (not pictured)
• 12 oz. Diet Coke (not pictured

I was in a foul mood (I have been really on edge and irritable all day today), and I got annoyed when my mother pawned off her turn at cooking dinner onto my father, who prepared an undercooked hunk of beef and leftover orzo that was about to turn. We bought a special asparagus steamer last week, but somehow he even managed to make that weird - I think he left it on the stove steaming after they served themselves from it, as the bottom halves of the spears resembled his overcooked mushy broccoli. As I pondered the mysteries of a man who can so consistently undercook meats and overcook vegetables, at the same time, I decided I would have leftovers instead.

This was not bad without rice, but probably would have been better with it. I can't say I really enjoyed this meal, since things were a little terse with my parents through it, but at least it was full of vegetables and satisfying.

Snack, 10:30pm

• Yoplait Light fat free yogurt, Red velvet cake flavor
• Yoplait Light Thick n' Creamy, cinnamon bun flavor

I was overjoyed to realize I hadn't had any dairy yet today, so I indulged in two tasty yogurts. I really love these dessert flavors - they're so much more interesting than fruit-flavored yogurts, and the thick kind is such a treat.

Summary

I only reached 6 glasses of water, as I fell asleep before finishing my third bottleful. I was in a junky mood all day, which I think is more stress and hormone-related than anything else, will have to work on keeping that under control.

New Plan, Day Four

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I fell asleep downstairs until 6am, so my sleep was not what it should have been. I moved up to my bed and slept until 8am, but I was in a bad mood because I needed to drive a lot and deal with some stressful stuff at work.

Breakfast, 9am

• ham and cheese on a light whole grain English muffin
• cubed cantaloupe
• 48 oz. water
• 12 oz. Diet Coke

I was right that ham and cheese would be even better on the muffin - it crisped up nicely and felt more "breakfasty". I was pleased with myself for chugging so much water, and right after drinking one bottleful, I had a second, so that I was six glasses in before I'd even gotten in the shower.

I then drank another 24 oz. of water in my car while driving, such that I'd had 9 glasses before lunch. My smugness over this fact was dampened by just how desperately I needed to pee by the time I got to campus. There was more than an hour extra of traffic, and in the last 45 min or so, I was certain I was going to wet my pants. That was super uncomfortable, and I cursed myself for drinking so damn much water so fast. I think I need to spread it out a little more carefully throughout the day.

Lunch, 1pm

• steamed vegetable dumplings with soy-ginger dipping sauce (not pictured)
• 12 oz. water

I was an hour late to my lunch meeting, thanks to traffic, and I was anxious about eating at a Thai place because I love Thai food so much, but it's not always the healthiest (at least not what I like). Fortunately, these dumplings were delicious and satisfying, and by ordering the veggie kind, I was pretty sure they were light enough on fat that they wouldn't blow my diet. I explained to my coworkers/friends that I am dieting again, hence the relatively small appetizer for lunch, and they just shrugged. I guess I talk about wanting to lose weight and get healthier pretty frequently, and prior to formally dieting again, I had been trying to make smarter choices all year.

I had to laugh about drinking more water, but I thought that a soda, with caffeine, would make matters even worse, and the water was free.

I spent the rest of the afternoon stressing about work/school stuff and stopping to pee what felt like every 20 minutes. The drive home was also traffic-heavy (argh), so I had another close call between the driveway and our house. I hate that antsy feeling of constantly having to pee, but I hope my body will get over that as it becomes accustomed to so much more water.

Dinner, 9pm

• chicken quesadilla made with chicken breast and reduced fat Cheddar cheese in a whole grain tortilla
• homemade guacamole
• 24 or more oz. Diet Coke (not pictured)

When I planned the menu for this week, I scheduled it so that I would cook the first three meals, and my mom would take over from Thursday forward. I was trying to make it pleasant for everyone, by giving my parents a break on meals and getting us all warmed up to the concept of eating healthier with way more vegetables.

Tonight my mother took over, and I was happy for that, as she makes fantastic quesadillas and arguably the world's best homemade guacamole. This meal felt like a treat, even though she made it within the diet guidelines, and we were all happy to have one of our favorites.

Late-night Snack, 2am

• 2 caramel popcorn cakes with Smart Balance peanut butter
• 12 oz. Coke Cherry Zero

Once again, I fell asleep in a chair after dinner (watching Planet Earth with my dad, who was snoring beside me), but this time I woke up early enough to move up to my bed for something more closely resembling a proper night's sleep. I was really hungry, which was weird (probably not enough vegetables), and desperately craving sweets. I didn't want to go over on my milks with a yogurt, and I rationalized that the dietary fiber in these popcorn cakes probably made them an okay bread, though it did put me well over my breads for the day. The peanut butter was so good I didn't care that I'd probably used my fats with guacamole, and I resolved to have much more vegetables and take it easy tomorrow.

Summary

Today was mostly a success, in that I drank even more than my 8 glasses of water (I think I totaled 10 glasses), but I'm going to have to spread them out better so I don't walk around worrying about peeing myself all day. I could have done better on vegetables and had less bread, but I think the choices I'm making are still pretty sensible and realistic for lifestyle changes.

New Plan, Day Three

I slept in until 8, which felt downright luxurious. It was a cold, rainy and occasionally snowy morning, so it was good to face it well-rested and feeling good.

Breakfast, 10:30am

• ham and cheese on a whole wheat roll
• cubed cantaloupe
• 24 oz. water

Because I was cold and put off by the weather, I really wanted a hot breakfast, and I realized that if I prepared this sandwich open-faced and heated it under the broiler, it would fit the bill perfectly. I might have swapped the whole grain roll for one of the light multigrain English muffins we got - will keep that in mind for future.

I Googled the serving size for cantaloupe and have come up with around 1 cup, which in this instance turned out to be about 1/4 of this cantaloupe. I need to make a list or chart of the portion sizes for these things, but I think overdoing on fruit is a lot less harmful than, say, accidentally eating a cupcake.

I'm very pleased with drinking so much water. A friend of mine happened to post a link to this page about water on Twitter, and it had many tips for making yourself drink more, as well as some interesting things to think about (though I really wish the author had used more paragraph breaks and some reference citations). I dug my Camelback bottle out of my swimming bag and have been toting that around - it's easy to suck down a few sips here and there and find suddenly the bottle is near empty.

I do think I'm going to make it a plan to drink an extra 2-3 glasses of water as well, totaling 10-12 8-oz. glasses per day. If I aim for 12, that's 4 refills of my bottle, which I think I can work my way up to.

Midday

• 24 oz. water

Lunch, 2:30pm

• flatbread pizza made with tomato sauce, part-skim mozzarella, broccoli and mushrooms
• bowl of tomato soup with herbs and sprinkle of pecorino Romano cheese
• 12 oz. Diet Coke

I was so enamored with yesterday's pizza that I made them again for my mother and me. We both really enjoyed this, and I think the success of it comes from flavoring the sauce, as well as crisping the pita in the broiler so it feels like a very satisfying crust.

I decided, while eating my soup, that hot tomato is probably my favorite savory flavor, and I am absolutely in love with tomato soup.

Dinner, 8pm

• turkey tostada, made with lean ground turkey cooked with onions and garlic, with mushrooms in salsa, served on a whole grain tortilla with reduced fat Cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, pickled jalapeños, sliced avocado, and fresh cilantro
• Diet Coke (not pictured)

This meal was absolutely delicious, and both of my parents seemed to really enjoy it. My father complimented me on my cooking this week, saying he was pleasantly surprised at such nutritious, colorful, flavorful, "refreshing" meals and that he looked forward to more of this type. I felt very much the same, and we all agreed that it feels great to eat right.

Using my fats in the avocado is a nice move, I think, since I enjoy it so much more than I would a pat of butter or a glob of dressing. I'm also in love with jalapeños and fresh cilantro, as well as turkey perked up with salsa.

Summary

I meant to have another serving of fruit and some more vegetables, as well as the rest of my water, but I fell asleep in a chair downstairs (I've been doing this a lot lately) and didn't wake up until 6am, at which point it seemed silly. I really need to work on making the actual decision to go to bed, rather than fall asleep wherever I plunk down.

Apart from being short on water, I think today was a pretty good day.

New Plan, Day Two

I woke up at 5am after falling asleep around midnight, downstairs with my computer in my lap. Not the best night's sleep, but I'll address that another time.

Breakfast, 6:45am

• 1.5 oz ham and 1 oz. American cheese on a whole wheat sandwich roll
• 1 orange
• 16 oz. water

I love this breakfast - it's good to start the day with protein. While eating, I talked with my dad about a bunch of things and eased into the morning.

Exercise, 8am

Walked 1.97 miles with my parents and the dogs. Pedometer read 5082 steps, 679 of which were at a moderate pace (6 min), for approximately 188 calories burned. Not fantastic, but it was nice to spend time with my folks and get outside in the morning.

Mid-Morning Snack, 10am

• can of tomato soup with salt, pepper, basil, and a sprinkle of pecorino Romano cheese
• fresh herb salad with 2 TBSP Light Creamy Caesar dressing

I was vaguely procrastinating some work I needed to get done for an afternoon meeting, and I kept convincing myself I was hungry so that I could rationalize taking a break. I realize I do this a lot, using food or eating as a means to avoid doing what I'm supposed to, but in this instance it was a delicious and welcome diversion.

The tomato soup was absolute perfection - I think hot tomato is my favorite flavor. The salad was also extraordinary - I actually measured out the dressing to make sure I was using an appropriate amount to count it as one of my fats. Such a treat.

Lunch, 1:45pm

• flatbread pizza made with tomato sauce, part-skim mozzarella, broccoli and mushrooms on a pita
• 24 oz. Diet Coke (not pictured

I was running late, and ordinarily in those circumstances my plan would be to grab Burger King to eat while driving, which is obviously out of the question. I was going back and forth on what to do, wondering if I really had time to prepare pizzas for myself and my mother, but I decided that rather than waste time hemming and hawing, I should just cook the silly things.

This was absolutely phenomenal, and both my mom and I agreed that we enjoyed it more than anything we've had for lunch in weeks. I think a lot of the success came in flavoring the tomato sauce with basil, oregano, garlic powder, fresh black pepper, salt, and a tiny sprinkle of nutmeg. I then assembled the rest of the ingredients and put it under the broiler until the vegetables were cooked and the cheese was slightly browned. This crisped the pita into a very satisfying crust, making for one tasty little pizza. After eating this, I spent about 6 hours driving to Brooklyn and back for this meeting, and I wasn't hungry the whole time - I was actually in a spectacular mood and feeling very energetic. Score for the flatbread pizza!

More "Exercise," 4-5pm

I don't really think it counts as exercise, but I wore my pedometer for the rest of the afternoon and kept track of how much I walked from my car to my meeting, around campus etc. It was an additional 2731 steps, 1391 and 12 min. of which were at a moderate pace, for an additional 1.1 miles and approximately 94 calories.

This brought my day's totals to 3.07 miles or 7813 steps, 2070 and 18 min of which were at a moderate pace, for approximately 282 calories burned. It's not great, but it's not nothing.

Dinner, 9pm

• chicken breast cooked with onions, garlic, Crimini mushrooms, sliced zucchini, broccoli florets, sliced red pepper, eggplant, and stewed tomatoes, with herbs and spices
• approximately 1 cup white rice

My parents were antsy for me to cook dinner when I got home, but I was in the middle of video chatting with a friend (aforementioned massive crush), so I had to rush preparing it once I got to it. This sort of resembles the meal I prepared most frequently when I lived in Italy, based on finding the best-looking produce and cooking it all together with olive oil in tomato sauce or more often fresh tomatoes, either with or without added meat. The difference, of course, between cooking for one and cooking for three, meant that it was much more time consuming to chop down and cook all the vegetables, and I needed to move everything from a large skillet into a cast-iron pan so it would all fit.

Nevertheless, the flavor was bang-on, I suspect from letting the vegetables and chicken simmer together in the liquid from the stewed tomatoes, as well as generous spicing. My parents both seemed surprised that a bowl of mostly vegetables over rice could have so much flavor, and we all agreed that this was a great way to get more fresh vegetables into our diet.

Something I have observed, in the past few meals, is the immense difference that cooking with fresh vegetables makes. I am accustomed to always using fresh, having lived down the street from a grocery and produce stand for five years in Brooklyn, as well as only buying and cooking with fresh vegetables in Italy. My parents, by contrast, would usually microwave or boil frozen vegetables when preparing meals, and I think that is part of why they're happy to omit them regularly, or at the very least, rarely enjoy them. Lately they've been observing just how flavorful they are and commenting on the exciting textures and such, which gives me hope that they will continue coming over to the fresh side more often.

Summary

I had planned on having a yogurt and almonds for a snack, but I fell asleep before I got around to it. I think it's alright, since I probably had more than one serving of cheese on my lunchtime pizza. I was also planning to have my second fruit after dinner, but I had more than enough vegetables to have compensated for that.

The only area where I'm disappointed with myself is that I was woefully under on my waters again. My mother has taken to carrying around her 24oz. refillable water bottle to sip on water throughout the day, and I'm thinking I should probably do the same, since I am so much more likely to grab a can or glass of soda than get a glass of water. Otherwise today was a very nice day, and I felt cheerful and energetic throughout. It's nice to feel such immediate benefits from eating right!

Weigh-In, Week One

182. Not actually as bad as I thought it would be. Current BMI is 30.3, which is obese. Not great.

If I keep my goal weight at 120 pounds, I then have 62 pounds to lose. If I lost on average 2 pounds a week (which would be generous), that's 31 weeks, or just under 8 months. Of course, 3-4 months in, I'll already be looking a lot better and the weight loss will be noticeable, so I've got that to look forward to this spring and summer.

I'll start charting my weight again, once I have more than one data point, and perhaps at some point soon I'll take my measurements again so I can see what kind of obese I am.

New Plan, Day One

I started my day waking up at 5:45 without setting an alarm. I went to sleep pretty early last night, and my parents' dog was barking, but it still surprised me. It would be very pleasant to be able to feel awake that early every day.

Breakfast, 7am

• "peppers and eggs" made with half a large green pepper and 1 egg cooked in 1 tsp. olive oil, with salt, pepper, and a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese
• 7 Reduced Fat Triscuits
• 1 orange
• 16 oz. water

This was a tasty meal which used to be one of my favorites on eDiets. As a rule, I don't like eggs, and if you asked me lately, I'd say I just don't eat them, but when combined with cooked peppers and scooped onto Triscuits, the egginess is not so bad.

I took my time cooking and eating this meal, spreading it out while I wrote my last post and did some computer stuff for work. I think savoring food makes me less aware that I'm on a "diet," so much as that I'm taking the time to eat right. I like that mind-set.

Lunch, 4:30pm

• 2 oz. turkey breast and 1 oz. American cheese with mustard and lettuce in a whole grain wrap
• 16 oz. Diet Coke
• 1/2 a can of tomato soup with fresh black pepper, salt, basil, and a sprinkle of Parmesan

I know it's a horrible photo, but it was a good sandwich. I love the flavor of these whole wheat grain wraps, but they break easily and fall apart while handling. I absolutely love tomato soup, so this was a wonderful treat. I had planned on eating a big salad or some roasted vegetables with this, but soup sounded so much easier and tastier and, most of all, warmer.

Dinner, 8pm

• tacos made with ground beef cooked in spices, Reduced Fat sharp Cheddar cheese, salsa, sliced avocado, lettuce, tomato, pickled jalapeños, and fresh cilantro
• 16 oz. Diet Coke (not pictured)

Part of the challenge of every diet I've been on for the past few years has been making it amenable to the people I live with. To this end, I spent time this weekend planning out dinners that both my father and mother would also like, and this is not an easy task, since in addition to being a very dinner-centric family, my dad's idea of a good meal is a huge hunk of meat with a pile of starch. He regularly criticizes my cooking for "cutting the meat into tiny little pieces" (i.e. bite-size) because he finds it unsatisfying if he can't take a huge bite of meat.

I was therefore really surprised that both parents seemed to really like this meal. I think my mom was happy that I made a menu for the week where she doesn't have to cook until Thursday. I suspect that my dad ate several scoops of taco meat by itself before preparing his tacos (whatever, he's not on the diet), and my mom still felt hungry after eating hers, so she rationalized that she was "light on protein" for the day and made a taco salad too.

As for me, I was really happy and perfectly satisfied, since I love this meal (it was my favorite from the Glycemic Impact plan on eDiets). I worked it in by using the avocado as one of my fats, which gives it a really rich and satisfying, fresh taste. I'm also crazy about the pickled jalapeños and fresh cilantro - it elevates it from "diet food" to something delicious I love to eat. I will definitely be making these again soon.

Snack, 11:30pm

• Yoplait Light Thick & Creamy, blueberry pie flavor yogurt (not pictured) with 1 tbsp wheat germ

Yoplait makes these phenomenal dessert-flavored yogurts, and this was a new one for me. The thick and creamy variety is especially satisfying, but it was tricky to stir the wheat germ in, not a big deal. I counted this as a milk, then realized I'd had cheese with my sandwich as well as a bit of cheese on my tacos (not a full serving, I think, though). I think it'll be alright.

Summary

I did well today, in that I wasn't hungry and stuck to the plan. I didn't drink nearly enough water - actually I only had a shameful two glasses - so I know I need to work on that. I probably could have eaten one or two additional servings of vegetables, as I'd intended, but I did get at least 3 servings. I just realized I forgot my second fruit though.

Still, for the first day, I tried hard, and I feel like dinner was a big success for my family. Tomorrow morning I'll weigh in to get a baseline, so I can see what this does from there.