Excuses

I'm realizing lately how easy it is to make excuses for myself and how frequently I allow abominable behaviors on the flimsiest of justifications (rationalizations).

For the past week, I've had a really awful cold which may have developed into bronchitis. I gave myself instant permission not only to go off the diet completely, but to pig out to ridiculous extents. I haven't wanted to cook, of course, so I've been ordering in all kinds of awful meals and treating myself to cookies, ice cream, and whatever I want, mentally whining "But I don't feel well!"

I realize that what I really need to get better is a healthy diet, plenty of water, and exercise. I remember from sports training in high school (forever ago) that it's okay to exercise as long as congestion is in one's head, but it's important to take it easy when it's in the chest. Considering I bust into a burning, wheezing coughing fit if I run up stairs too quickly, I'd say odds of me making it through an aerobic workout right now are slim to none.

Still, I could be doing weight training or even just mild things like going for walks. Instead I've been lazing under the covers pouting and continuing on in a miserable state.

Being sick is one thing, and I am not being completely insane, in that I realize I truly do need to rest and take it easy until I'm better. The thing is, it's really given me the opportunity to reappraise how I spend my other, non-sick days. And those are the places where making excuses has become not only dangerous, but ridiculous.

Since this semester is already a pretty crazy busy and stressful one, I've concluded that I will not "get to the gym" if I don't specifically schedule times during the week to do so. I have plenty of times when I could squeeze in a workout or even a class, but I've avoided sitting down and creating a schedule for myself for over a month now. It seems I've always got something "more pressing" to attend to, be it schoolwork I've left to the last minute (which I do legitimately have to prioritize) or something incredibly important like napping, watching TV, reading a magazine, or knitting. My lack of focus and procrastination is clearly having a negative impact on my life and health, yet somehow I allow myself to use the fact that I'm behind on things or disorganized as an excuse to continue on this path and let it get worse.

Even I know how stupid and self-defeating this is.

So I took a look at my gym's group exercise plan. This is the new gym location that, incidentally, I've been to all of once since transferring my membership. My first responses to all of the classes were "Oooh that looks fun," but that was quickly preempted for "Oh I can't make that time or that one or the other," based on interference with classes. Instead of focusing on the times I can go (including Saturday and Sunday morning yoga & pilates classes), I realize I started making excuses for myself, saying it wouldn't really be that fun anyway and I'd probably be really self-conscious and embarrassed to work out in a group. The litany of excuses I started making to convince myself I didn't really want to go in the first place was absolutely absurd, and I'm ashamed of myself that I let such trivial things get in the way.

The worst part is that at the end of the day, once I've given myself permission to go off the diet, slack off on exercise, not drink water, or whatever else I don't want to do, it's not like I actually gain anything (except more weight). The result of all of these choices is that I will continue to be fat and unhealthy. Then I think about the ways this inhibits my life, wrecks my confidence, affects my relationships, and makes every day a little harder and more unpleasant than it needs to be, and I wonder how the hell anything could be worth all this nonsense. How is protecting my ego or succumbing to laziness ever going to feel as good as taking action and improving my life?

I've put off making a gym schedule some more by taking the time to beat myself up for making excuses. My excuse for this? "At least I'm becoming more aware of what I do..."

Argh, I really need to change things.

Frustration

So I've been on the Nutrisystem diet more than a month, and I've cheated more times than I think I ever did when I was on e-diets. I'm becoming discouraged at my lack of willpower, as well as the fact that I can barely stand the food anymore.

To be fair, I may have griped a lot about e-diets, but at least a lot of the food tasted okay. Many of the Nutrisystem dishes are heavily sauced, have funny flavors, and make me wish I'd eaten something blander. Fortunately, when I make selections for my next shipment, I'll know what to steer clear of and which dishes I should order in bulk.

I've started a new semester at school, which presents plenty of challenges, particularly that I have to come back to the apartment to eat and I frequently feel hungry during the day.

Most of all, I did break 180, but barely. My weight vacillates now between 179-181 no matter what I do. I need to regroup, get motivated, and do something (like exercise) to get this project moving again.

Frankly I've been on a diet most of this year and I'm getting tired of it, so I want to make some progress soon!