- half of a Domino's deluxe feast pizza, with garlic dipping sauce
Well now I've done it. I broke and had a really awful fat and sodium-laden calorically astronomical bingefest.
I came home from class exhausted and in an awful mood. I'm really stressed and worried about some things, but mostly I'd let myself get really hungry and cranky. I didn't want to go to the store (or even rummage around to figure out what I needed to buy). I didn't want to clean the kitchen. I didn't want to do anything but sit around, mope and whine.
So finally I caved. I convinced my boyfriend we should order a disgustingly unhealthy pizza, and then we both ate half. Truth be told, I probably could have eaten the whole thing myself, and it's a good thing that the grocery was closed by the time I finished because I could have gone for a whole bag of cookies as well.
I don't know what's wrong with me or why I'm sabotaging myself like this. Even if I were trying to rationalize eating pizza for dinner (which actually, I'm allowed to do, within reason), this HAS to be more than a full day's calories and provides little to no nutrition at that.
I know I've been growing increasingly unsatisfied with the food on the plan - or more to the point - that whenever we have appealing food in the apartment, my boyfriend eats it all. I've been getting envious that he can eat whatever he wants in whatever quantities so long as it's within his daily carbs. I've also been getting incredibly resentful that with packages of hot dogs and sausage in the fridge, he chooses to eat all of my low-sodium ham or snack on the rest of the turkey that could have made lunch for several days. I get angry when I find there are only a few sips of milk left or a sprinkle of cheese... and while he's usually very considerate with not eating all of my food (or at least saving me a portion of meat or similar if he's going to eat the rest of something), this week has been bad already.
It's not his fault though. I am the one who has refused to clean the kitchen or go food shopping, so I knew I wasn't going to want to come home and cook. I also let myself go almost the whole day without eating any kind of balanced nutrition, so I knew I was coming into the decision irrationally hungry (or with an irrational appetite) and was bound to make a foolish choice.
What really bothers me in this, though, is not all of the above since that's to be expected... no, what I'm upset about is that I made this decision for emotional reasons. I told myself I was going to pig out and forcibly give up control because I was having a hard time keeping things under control (not just diet-wise, but with my schoolwork and some personal things). I wanted to make a really bad decision and enjoy it - and I really really did - but I know that when I don't lose this week (or more likely gain), I'm going to regret this and feel really disappointed in myself. At the moment though, I really don't care.
(I may have mentioned, I'm in an awful mood.)
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