On occasion I'll click over here or look at the Blogger icon on my phone, maybe get a comment notification that isn't spam, and I feel like a total fool. "I'm the heaviest I've ever been," I think, "I've basically stopped trying, who am I kidding?"
Then I get good and angry with myself because actually, no, I haven't stopped trying, and it doesn't really matter how many times I try and fail, so long as I get up and try again. (I'm sure I'm paraphrasing someone who put it much more eloquently).
At the end of 2014, after a really turbulent year, I moved into a new apartment. My commute is reduced from 2.5-3 hours each way to about 45 min. I am noticeably, appreciably happier and calmer every single day, and I am delighted to have made such a positive change.
I made a promise to myself when I was looking at apartments: I am going to be happy and healthy in my new home. That sounds easy enough, especially when I've gained 4-5 hours of free time every work day, but it is also incredibly easy to slide back into bad habits, to give up on things and despair, to relent to unhappiness and wallow in paralysis instead of trying to make meaningful changes.
I also made the deal, or compromise really, that happy came before healthy, which is to say I'm trying not to stress about my body (it doesn't help anyway). I'm trying to be positive and enthusiastic instead of beating myself up and getting frustrated. Eventually I know I will have to get tougher and hunker down, but for now the motto is: Come on, be nice to yourself.
Changing lifelong habits and solving decades-old problems won't happen overnight. I realize that I need to be patient and persistent, gradually introducing changes towerd long-term goals.
Step one was finding an apartment closer to work and everything I do in the city. Step two is getting it to be a well-organized and productive space. I'm especially pleased with the progress I've made on the kitchen, namely picking one that I actually enjoy spending time in (my previous kitchen was terribly claustrophobic, and this one is the opposite). I've challenged myself to keep the kitchen clean and usable, so that I can get back in the habit of cooking again.
As much as possible, I am buying ingredients and not processed food. But yes, there are still the occasional cookies, candies, or ice cream. I'm planning one or two large-pot style dinners that I can eat throughout each week, and I'm loading those with vegetables. I'm making green smoothies at night for breakfasts, but if I fall asleep early or just don't feel like sipping spinach the next morning, I'm not giving up if I have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for breakfast instead.
Once I am comfortable cooking and eating real food, breaking my habit of delivery, eating out, or relying on prepackaged foods, I'm going to segue from pasta or chili to healthier choices. I'm going to try to order more salads and less Pad Thai for lunch at work. And most of all, I'm going to aim for exercising much more than I do (which has been a whopping once on the elliptical machine, for 20 min., dogging it so much that it was no challenge to keep reading my book).
I have roughly 75 pounds I'd like to lose. I'm going to break it into 25-pound increments, with maintenance periods built in. In theory, if I'm doing it right, I will be developing healthy habits as I go so at the end I will just have a healthier lifestyle, and it won't feel like I'm constantly dieting and trying to lose weight. Won't that be nice.
More than anything, I'm going to keep trying.
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